 | CHAPTER VII. The monikins |  |
7. CHAPTER VII.
A neophyte in diplomacy—diplomatic introduction—a calculation—a
shipment of Opinions—how to choose an invoice,
with an assortment.
I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow;
for I confess I was heartily tired of being
thought the governor of his Royal Highness Prince
Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my proper
place in society. I was the more incited to make
the change, by the representations of the Brigadier,
who assured me that it was sufficient to come
from foreign parts, to be esteemed a nobleman
in Leaplow, and that I need not apprehend in his
country, any of the ill-treatment I had received in
the one in which I now was. After talking over the
matter, therefore, in a familiar way, we determined
to repair at once to the Leaplow legation, in order
time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People's
Friend might have prepared for his government,—
it being the custom of the Leaplowers to trust to
these God-sends in carrying on their diplomatic
correspondence.
We found the Judge in undress, and a very different
figure he cut, certainly, from that which he
made when I saw him the previous night at court.
Then he was all queue; now, he was all bob. He
seemed glad to see us, however, and quite delighted
when I told him of the intention to sail for
Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He instantly
asked a passage for himself, with republican simplicity.
There was to be another turn of the great and
little wheels, he said, and it was quite important to
himself to be on the spot; for, although every thing
was, beyond all question, managed with perfect
republican propriety, yet, somehow, and yet he did
not know exactly how, but somehow, those who are
on the spot always get the best prizes. If I could
give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it
a great personal favor; and I might depend on
it, the circumstance would be well received by the
party. Although I did not very well understand
what he meant by this party, which was to view the
act so kindly, I very cheerfully told the Judge that the
apartments lately occupied by my Lord Chatterino
and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I
was then asked when I intended to sail; and the
answer was, the instant the wind hauled, so we
could lay out of the harbour. It might be within
half an hour. Hereupon Judge People's Friend
begged I would have the goodness to wait until he
could hunt up a chargé d'affaires. His instructions
were most peremptory never to leave the legation
without a chargé d'affaires; but he would just brush
five minutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It
would have been unkind to refuse so trifling a favor,
and the promise was given. The Judge must have
run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in
about ten minutes, he was back again, with a diplomatic
recruit. He told me his heart had misgiven
him sadly. The three first to whom he
offered the place had plumply refused it, and, indeed,
he did not know but he should have a quarrel or
two on his hands; but, at last, he had luckily found
one who could get nothing else to do, and he pinned
him on the spot.
So far every thing had gone on swimmingly; but
the new chargé had, most unfortunately, a very
long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably proscribed
by the Leaplow usages, except in cases where the
representative went to court—for it seems the Leaplow
political ethics, like your country buck, has
two dresses; one for every-day wear, and one for
Sundays. The Judge intimated to his intended substitute,
that it was absolutely indispensable he should
submit to an amputation, or he could not possibly confer
the appointment, queues being proscribed at
home by both public opinions, the horizontal and
the perpendicular. To this the candidate objected
that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on this
head, but that he had seen his Excellency himself
going to court with a singularly apparent brush;
and he had supposed from that, and from sundry
other little occurrences he did not care to particularize,
that the Leaplowers were not so bigoted
in their notions, but they could act on the principle
of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To
this the Judge replied, that this principle was certainly
recognized in all things that were agreeable;
and that he knew, from experience, how hard it
was to go in a bob, when all around him went in
and as such had been formally voted down in
Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did not
dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as he
would; and if it were known that a public chargé
offended in this particular, although he might be
momentarily protected by one of the public opinions,
the matter would certainly be taken up by the opposition
public opinion, and then the people might
order a new turn of the little wheel, which heaven
it knew!—occurred now a great deal oftener than
was either profitable or convenient.
Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the
fastenings and removed the queue, showing, to our
admiration, that it was false, and that he was, after
all, neither more nor less than a Leaplower in masquerade;
which, by the way, I afterwards learned,
was very apt to be the case with a great many of
that eminently original people, when they got without
the limits of their own beloved land. Judge
People's Friend was now perfectly delighted. He
told us this was exactly what he could most have
wished for. “Here is a bob,” said he, “for the
horizontals and perpendiculars, and there is a capital
ready-made cauda for his Majesty and his Majesty's
first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower,
more especially if there be a dash of caricature
about him, is the very thing in our diplomacy.”
Finding matters so much to his mind, the Judge
made out the letter of appointment on the spot, and
then proceeded to give his substitute the usual instructions.
“You are on all occasions,” he said, “to take the
utmost care not to offend the court of Leaphigh, or
the meanest of the courtiers, by advancing any of
our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute,
you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you
own person, pro tempore, abandon republicanism—
yea, sacred republicanism itself!—knowing that it
can easily be resumed on your return home again;
you are to remember there is nothing so undiplomatic,
or even vulgar, as to have an opinion on any
subject, unless it should be the opinion of the persons
you may happen to be in company with; and,
as we have the reputation of possessing that quality
in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home,
take especial heed to eschew vulgarity—if you can;
you will have the greatest care, also, to wear the
shortest bob in all your private, and the longest tail
in all your public, relations, this being one of the
most important of the celebrated checks and balances
of our government; our institutions being
expressly formed by the mass, for the particular
benefit of all, you will be excessively careful not to
let the claims of any one citizen, or even any set
of citizens, interfere with that harmony which it is
so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain
with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed
themselves to consider their subjects as cattle,
to be worked in the traces of the state, are singulary
restive whenever they hear of any individual
being made of so much importance. Should any
Leaplower become troublesome on this score, give
him a bad name at once; and in order to effect that
object with your own single-minded and right-loving
countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and,
my life on it, both public opinions at home will sustain
you; for there is nothing on which our public
opinions agree so well as the absolute deference
which they pay to foreign public opinions,—and
this the more especially, in all matters that are likely
to affect profits, by deranging commerce. You will,
above all things, make it a point to be in constant
of the newspapers, in order to see that facts
are properly stated at home. I would advise you
to look out some foreigner who has never seen
Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also
paid to write for the journals of Leapup, or Leapdown,
or some other foreign country; by which
means you will be sure to get an impartial agent,
or one who can state things in your own way, who
is already half paid for his services, and who will
not be likely to make blunders by meddling with
distinctive thought. When a person of this character
is found, let him drop a line now and then in
favor of your own sagacity and patriotism; and if
he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about
me, it will do no harm, but may help the little wheel
to turn more readily. In order to conceal his origin,
let your paragraph-agent use the word our
freely; the use of this word, as you know, being
the only qualification of citizenship in Leaplow.
Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and then
proceed to pronounce it, and be careful that he
does not spell it H-O-U-R, which might betray
his origin. Above all things, you will be patriotic
and republican, avoiding the least vindication of
your country and its institutions, and satisfying
yourself with saying that the latter are, at least,
well suited to the former; if you should say this in
a way to leave the impression on your hearers,
that you think the former fitted for nothing else, it
will be particularly agreeable and thoroughly republican,
and most eminently modest and praiseworthy.
You will find the diplomatic agents of all
other states, sensitive on the point of their peculiar
political usages, and prompt to defend them; but
this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from
imitating, for our polity being exclusively based on
the potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any
way lessen the high character that reason already
enjoys, by giving any one cause to suspect you think
reason is not fully able to take care of itself. With
these leading hints, and your own natural tendencies,
which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for
the great objects of diplomacy, being ductile, imitative,
yielding, calculating, and, above all, of a
foreign disposition, I think you will be able to get
on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your
foreign dispositions, for you are now on foreign
duty, and your country reposes on your shoulders
and eminent talents, the whole burthen of its foreign
interests in this part of the world.”
Here the Judge closed his address, which was
oral, apparently well satisfied with himself and with
his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then said,—
“That he would now go to court to present his
substitute, and to take leave himself; after which he
would return as fast as possible, and detain us no
longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper,
to protect it against the moths; for heaven knew
what prize he might draw in the next turn of the
little wheel!”
We promised to meet him at the port, where a
messenger just then informed us, Captain Poke had
landed, and was anxiously waiting our appearance.
With this understanding we separated; the Judge
undertaking to redeem all our promises paid in at
the tavern, by giving his own in their stead.
The Brigadier and myself found Noah and the
cook bargaining for some private adventures, with
a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that the ship
was about to sail in ballast, were recommending
their wares to the notice of these two worthies.
“It would be a ra'al sin, Sir John,” commenced
turn a penny. The ship could carry ten thousand
immigrunts, and they say there are millions of them
going over to Leaplow; or it might stow half the
goods in Aggregation. I'm resolved, at any rate,
to use my cabin privilege; and I would advise you,
as owner, to look out for suthin' to pay portcharges
with, to say the least.”
“The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as
we are ignorant of the state of the market on the
other side, it might be well to consult some inhabitant
of the country about the choice of articles.
Here is the Brigadier Downright, whom I have
found to be a monikin of experience and judgment,
and if you please, we will first hear what he has to
say about it.”
“I dabble very little in merchandise,” returned
the Brigadier; “but, as a general principle, I should
say that no article of Leaphigh manufacture would
command so certain a market in Leaplow as Opinions.”
“Have you any of these opinions for sale?” I
inquired of the broker.
“Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities—from
the very lowest to the very 'ighest prices—those
that may be had for next to nothing, to those that
we think a great deal of ourselves. We always
keeps them ready packed for exportation, and send
wast invoices of them, hannually, to Leaplow in particular.
Opinions are harticles that help to sell each
other; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might
stow enough, provided they were properly assorted,
to carry all before them for the season.”
Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were
immediately led into an adjoining warehouse, where,
sure enough, there were goodly lots of the manufactures
in question. I passed along the shelves, reading
to several bundles that had “Opinions on Free
Trade” written on their labels, I asked the Brigadier
what he thought of that article.
“Why, they would have done better, a year or
two since, when we were settling a new tariff; but
I should think there would be less demand for them
now.”
“You are quite right, sir,” added the broker;
“we did send large invoices of them to Leaplow
formerly, and they were all eagerly bought up,
the moment they arrived. A great many were
dyed over again, and sold as of 'ome manufacture.
Most of these harticles are now shipped for Leapup,
with whom we have negotiations that give them a
certain value.”
“`Opinions on Democracy, and on the polity of
governments in general;' I should think these would
be of no use in Leaplow?”
“Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole
world. We sell powers on 'em on our own continent,
near by, and a great many do go even to
Leaplow; though what they does with 'em there, I
never could say, seeing they are all government
monikins in that queer country.”
An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer
from the Brigadier:—
“To admit the fact, we have a class among us
who buy up these articles with some eagerness. I
can only account for it, by supposing they think
differing in their tastes from the mass, makes them
more enlightened and peculiar.”
“I'll take them all. An article that catches these
propensities is sure of a sale. `Opinions on Events;'
what can possibly be done with these?”
“That depends a little on their classification,”
returned the Brigadier. “If they relate to Leaplow
cannot be termed of current value; but if they refer
to the events of all the rest of the earth, take them,
for heaven's sake! for we trust altogether to this
market for our supplies.”
On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to
dispose of the least fashionable by aid of those that
were more in vogue.
“`Opinions on Domestic Literature.”'
“You may buy all he has; we use no other.”
“`Opinions on Continental Literature.”'
“Why, we know little about the goods themselves—but
I think a selection might answer.”
I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half,
at a venture.
“`Opinions on Leaplow Literature, from No. 1, up
to No. 100.”'
“Ah! it is proper I should explain,” put in the
broker, “that we has two varieties of them 'ere
harticles. One is the true harticle, as is got up by
our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the
most approved models; but the other is nothing but
a sham harticle that is really manufactured in
Leaplow, and is sent out here to get our stamp.
That's all—I never deceives a customer—both sell
well, I hear, on the other side, however.”
I looked again at the Brigadier, who quietly
nodding assent, I took the whole hundred bales.
“`Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.”'
“Why, them 'ere is assorted, being of all sizes,
forms and colors. They came coastwise, and are
chiefly for domestic consumption; though I have
known 'em sent to Leaplow, with success.”
“The consumers of this article among us,” observed
the Brigadier, “are very select, and rarely
take any but of the very best quality. But then
they are usually so well stocked, that I question if a
consumers cling very generally to the old fashions
in this article, not even admitting the changes produced
by time. There was an old manufacturer
called Whiterock, who has a sort of Barlow-knife
reputation among us, and it is not easy to get another
article to compete with his. Unless they are
very antiquated, I would have nothing to do with
them.”
“Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leaplow
quantities of that 'ere manufacture; and the
more hantiquated the harticle, the better it sells;
but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run
at 'ome.”
“I'll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or
thin. Hunt me up a bale of his notions; let them
be as old as the flood. What have we here?—
`Opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow.”'
“Take them,” said the Brigadier, promptly.
“This 'ere gentleman has an hidear of the state
of his own market,” added the broker, giggling.
“Wast lots of these things go across yearly—and I
don't find that any on 'em ever comes back.”
“`Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in
Leaplow.”'
“I believe I'll take an interest in that article myself,
Sir John, if you can give me a ton or two
between decks. Have you many of this manufacture?”
“Lots on 'em, sir—and they do sell so!—That
'ere are a good harticle both at 'ome and abroad.
My eye! how they does go off in Leaplow!”
“This appears to be also your expectation, Brigadier,
by your readiness to take an interest?”
“To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our
beloved country.”
“Permit me to remark that I find your readiness
If I have rightly comprehended our previous conversations,
you Leaplowers profess to have improved
not only on the ancient principles of polity,
but on the social condition, generally.”
“We will talk of this during the passage homeward,
Sir John Goldencalf; but, by your leave, I
will take a share in the investment in `Opinions on
the State of Society and Manners in Leaplow,' especially
if they treat at large on the deformities of
the government, while they allow us to be genteel.
This is the true notch—some of these goods have
been condemned because the manufacturers hadn't
sufficient skill in dyeing.”
“You shall have a share, Brigadier. Harkee,
Mr. Broker; I take it these said opinions come from
some very well known and approved manufactory?”
“All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for
nothing—everything sells, however. I never was
in Leaplow, but we says over here, that the Leaplowers
eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions.
Lord, sir, it would really do your heart good to see
the stuff, in these harticles, that they does take from
us without higgling!”
“I presume, Brigadier, that you use them as an
amusement—as a means to pass a pleasant hour,
of an evening—a sort of moral segar?”
“No, sir,” put in the broker, “they doesn't smoke
'em, my word on't, or they wouldn't buy 'em in
such lots!”
I now thought enough had been laid in on my
own account, and I turned to see what the Captain
was about. He was higgling for a bale marked
“Opinions on the lost condition of the monikin soul.”
A little curious to know why he had made this selection,
I led him aside, and frankly put the question.
“Why, to own the truth, Sir John,” he said,
some shape or other. Now, we are all in the dark
about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always
suspect a native of the country to which I am bound,
on such a p'int; and if the things should n't sell
there, they'll at least do at Stunin'tun. Miss Poke
alone would use up what there is in that there bale,
in a twelvemonth. To give the woman her due,
she's a desperate consumer of snuff and religion.”
We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves,
and the cook, who had come ashore to dispose of
his slush, had not yet been able to get anything.
“Here is a small bale as come from Leaplow,
and a pinched little thing it is,” said the broker,
laughing; “it don't take at all, here, and it might
do to go 'ome again—at any rate you will get the
drawback. It is filled with `Distinctive Opinions
of the Republic of Leaplow.”' The cook looked at
the Brigadier, who appeared to think the speculation
doubtful. Still it was Hobson's choice; and,
after a good deal of grumbling, the doctor, as Noah
always called his cook, consented to take the “harticle,”
at half the prime cost.
Judge People's Friend now came trotting down
to the port, thoroughly en républicain, when we
immediately embarked, and in half an hour, Bob
was kicked to Noah's heart's content, and the
Walrus was fairly under way for Leaplow.
| CHAPTER VII. The monikins | |