University of Virginia Library

Scene First.

—The submarine Villa of Neptune—Neptune discovered asleep—Tritrons, &c., in attendance.
Chorus of Tritons
—“Peaceful slumb'ring.”
Peaceful slumb'ring in the ocean,
Nep his nap is taking nigh;
Cease, ye winds, your rude commotion,
While we sing his lullaby,
Lullaby! lullaby!

Nep.
(awaking)
Avast! Belay there! Stow your jawing gear,
Ye noisy swabs! Is that the way you steer?
Shiver my timbers, ha'n't I just turned in?
And must I be disturbed by all this din!
Just as my wife and ev'ry mother's daughter,
Of all the babbling craft that haunt salt water,
Have borne up for the straits of Babelmandel,
And gone ashore to sip tea and talk scandal;
And I had hoped to get a moment's quiet,
You must be making this infernal riot!

Trit.
It ar'n't our making, an' your honour pleases;
It's them there winds that kick up these here breezes;
They blows all ways at once, and never cares,
And so we thought with our squalls to drown theirs.

Nep.
Main-top!

Bor.
(aloft, but invisible)
Ay, ay, sir!

Nep.
Stop that noisy mirth,
And when you see your captain in his berth,
Don't bother him to death in that rough slang way,
Or you shall have a dozen at the gang way.
So now to sleep, Lieutenant Triton!

Trit.
Your honour!

Nep.
Air—Neptune—“The deep deep sea,” C. Horn.

(goes to sleep again)
Trit.
Fast as a church. You heard, lads, what he said.
Now no palaver. Let him be obeyed.
Our captain is a good'un in the main,
So don't you make that thund'ring row again.

Bor.
A strange sail on the weather bow!

Trit.
Hollo!
Pass the glass forward! A strange sail! Why no—
As sure as Neptune's monarch of the seas,
The Amphitrite and Nereides!
Ay, the whole fifty sail—brig, sloop, and smack!
Which of you winds have blown 'em so soon back?

Music—Enter Amphitrite and the Nereides.
Amph., Nereides.
Revenge! Revenge!

Nep.
(starting up)
Again this cursed clatter!
Heyday! my wife returned! Why, what's the matter?

Amph.
The jade!—the minx!—the creature!—to endeavour—
Oh, ladies! Did you ever?

All the Nereides.
No; we never!

Nep.
What ails the women? Have they lost their wits?

Amph.
Where's my rock salts? I'm going into fits!

(faints—Nereides surround her)
Nep.
Haul off, and give her sea-room! Don't crowd round her.
She'll right with the flood tide. I've often found her
As queer as this when she's been out to parties.
I'll fire a shot shall bring her to, my hearties.
What cheer, ho!

(bawling through a speaking trumpet at her)
Amph.
(starting)
Ugh, you great sea-brute! What cheer?
I've been abused—insulted, sir—d'ye hear!
I and these ladies—and your sister Juno.
I don't know what you'll say; but this I do know,
If you have got the spirit of a mouse
You will revenge this insult on our house!

Nep.
Revenge! but who affronted you, and how?
Crack on at once, and tell us what's the row.

Concerted Piece—“Sir, these soldiers.” “Barber of Seville.”
Amph.
Sir, that creature has abused me,
Like a very dog she used me;
Like a dog! like a dog!
Like a very dog she's used me!

1st Nereid.
Queen Cassiope's the cause, sir!
Of this riot and this noise, sir.
She's the cause, &c.

Trit.
While together thus they chatter,
Who can tell what is the matter?
Who can tell, &c.

2nd Nereid.
Sir, that Queen, so pert and flighty,
Scoffed at us and Amphitrite.
Scoffed at us, &c.

All the rest.
Pray, sir, must we be thus slighted;
Won't you see your subjects righted?
Won't you see, &c.

Nep.
Silence! I hear ye!
Are ye tipsy? Are ye tipsy?
Peace, you gipsy! Peace, I say.

Trit.
Sure she's tipsy! Silence, pray.

Amph.
Am I tipsy? Ladies, say.

All.
What confusion! With the dinning
Round the giddy waves are spinning;
No one ending; all beginning.
Ocean's self in clamour drown'd!

Amph.
Well, then, you know, we went out to drink tea,
With Ethiopia's Queen, Cassiope,
And nought occurred to mar our recreation
Until by accident the conversation
Turned upon beauty; when that swarthy creature
Dared to compare herself in form and feature
To me and the Nereides! Compare her-
Self did I say? She vowed that she was fairer!
Fairer than us, or the great queen of Jove,
The ox-eyed Juno!

Nep.
Well, what then, my love?

Amph.
What then! O Gemini! He says, “what then!”
Why, what the deuce has come to all the men?
Have you no gall—no spirit? Hear your wife
And sister thus defamed!

Nep.
My precious life!
What would you have me do? If Juno flies out,
As she is wont, she'll tear the woman's eyes out;
And there's an end of that.

Amph.
Indeed! D'ye think
I couldn't have done that myself? Don't wink
At your sea-hogs there! Don't make me your jest,
But give me vengeance! Vengeance, sir. You'd best
Or I will make the sea too hot to hold you,
And then you'll wish you'd acted as I told you.

Nep.
Well! well! Be calm. (aside)
'Twill never do to thwart her.
(aloud)
What must I do to keep out of hot water?
What vengeance will content you for a word
Carelessly spoken? Come, don't be absurd;
Say what and on whose head it must be hurled?

Amph.
I'm not particular—drown all the world!
Annihilate all creatures made of clay;
Wash the great globe of earth itself away,
And that will do at present. No black looks!
“Do it! Nor leave the task to me!”

Nep.
(aside)
Od's zooks!
Stand by your topsail halyards! Here's a shrew!
(aloud)
Drown all the world! Won't a few kingdoms do?
Or just one quarter?

Amph.
No! I'll grant no quarter
To any—lay the whole four under water!

Nep.
Then if I do, I do; but if I do
May I be—hanged. So now, ma'am! That's for you!
Do as you please; wash all away you dare.
I wash my hands, mind, of the whole affair.

Amph.
Well, then, here goes. (snatches his trident)
'Tis Amphitrite speaks
In Neptune's name! Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks!
Rage! blow! Ye cataracts and hurricanoes,
Spout till the ocean neither bound nor stay knows,
But breaking over all 'twixt earth and sky,
Leaves nothing but Olympus high and dry!

Air and Chorus—Amphitrite, Nereides, and Tritons—“Non piu mesta”—“Cenerentola.”
Let the lightning flash and the thunder roll,
And the ocean rise like winking!
Till it break the banks from pole to pole,
And make each fund a sinking!
Set the mighty storm a brewing.
Heavy wet—till all's blue ruin!
Let the lightning, &c.,—

Thunder and lightning, storm, &c.—Enter the Black Cook of The Ocean.
Cook.
Help! murder! massa captain; only look!

Nep.
Look! Look at what? You son of a sea cook!
Hast seen the Phantom Ship or Flying Dutchman?

Cook.
No, massa! Nebber see him any such man.
Him sarpent!—dan a tousand cable bigger!

Amph.
A serpent!

Music—Serpent appears above.
Ser.
I say! You eternal nigger!
Your boiler must have burst, I calculate,
To stir the sea up at this mortal rate—
You've made me figure in tarnation attitudes;
I've lost my way, I swear, in these strange latitudes!

(descends)
Amph.
You give yourself strange latitude of speech,
And for your longitude—Gods! what a reach
It makes! I ne'er beheld a snake so lanky!

Nep.
Sir, by your accent you should be a Yankee.

Ser.
(advancing)
Guess I am, stranger. A United Stater!
Half man, half horse, and half an alligator.

Nep.
I ought to be no stranger, sir, to you;
My name is Neptune.

Ser.
Mister! How d'ye do?
I've heard of you before.

Nep.
And now your name
And purpose,—whither bound, and whence you came?

Ser.
Neptune, I shan't say no when you say yes;
My tale's a mortal long one, though, I guess,
So long you'll hardly stop while I unfold it;
But you may hear, although you can't behold it.
All bones but yours will rattle when I say,
I am the sea serpent from America.
Mayhap you've heard that I've been round the world;
I guess I'm round it now, mister, twice curled.
Dy'e call that nothing? Don't think me a dreamer.
Listen—you'll find I'm nothing but a screamer!
Of all the monsters through the deep that splash,
I'm “number one” all to immortal smash.
When I lie down, and would my length unroll,
There arn't half room enough 'twixt pole and pole.
In short, I grow so long, that I've a notion
I must be measured soon for a new ocean.
Then I swim faster—dive deeper—stand higher—
Stay longer under water—come up drier—
Eat more—drink more—do more—do less or either;
Sometimes one—sometimes both—and sometimes neither!
In short, again, as I've my jawing tacks on,
I outrank Washington and General Jackson,
Paul Jones and Quintius Curtius—I'm a teaser—
I'm rich as cream, and brave as Julius Cæsar.
To model me at one inch to a mile,
I'll tell you what 'twould take—I guess you'll smile—
Something that's longer far than anything,
And a tarnation quantity of string—
Ten thousand cables—twenty thousand men—
Canvas from here to there, and back again.
'Twould take all these thrice multiplied by two;
And when you'd took 'em all—it wouldn't do.

Nep.
It wouldn't! I can tell you, though, what would.

Ser.
Well, what?

Nep.
The yarns you spin.

Ser.
Oh, yes, that's good!
Now listen, mister.—'Bout this time last year,
As I was dozing handsome off Cape Clear,
A galley laden with the Golden Fleece,
Bore down upon my beam, as slick as grease.
I guess the captain thought me a first rater!
He took me for the visible equator.
Well—he made sail of sixteen weeks, to see
If there was any end at all to me;
And finding neither head nor stern to double,
Alter'd his course, and took no further trouble.

Amph.
A thought!—Make signals to cease firing there!
Haul down the waves and brail the clouds up fair;
I've hit on a revenge that's far more savage.
This monster shall the coast of Afric ravage.
Say! canst thou swallow millions—

Ser.
What of—treasure?

Amph.
No, mortal creatures.

Ser.
Oh, yes, with great pleasure;
My bread-room's cruel empty!

Amph.
Then away!
Eat every living thing till I cry stay.

Ser.
Look sharp, then, or, to speak in moderation,
Swamp me, if I shan't swallow all creation!

Duet and Chorus—Serpent, Amphitrite, &c.—“Yankee Doodle.”
Amph.
Yankee Doodle! munch 'em down,
Fat and lean and bony,

Ser.
I can swallow human kind,
As fast as macaroni.
Mister (to Neptune)
, now, upon my soul,
It's true as any rifle;
Only you ask uncle Ben,
Who owes me that 'ere trifle.

Amph.
Yankee Doodle! munch 'em up,

Ser.
Since for me you cater;
See if I ain't half a horse,
And half an alligator.

Chorus.
Yankee Doodle! munch 'em up,
Yankee Doodle Dandy!
Breakfast, lunch, and dine and sup,
And with your jaws be handy.

Exeunt Omnes—the Serpent leading Amphitrite—the scene closing on “the awful tale.”