 | Valentine And Orson |  |
24
ACT II.
Scene.—A Wild Ravine in the Forest.Pic-nic Hunting-party discovered, with Blandiman, Pacolet, &c.
Opening Chorus.
“La Première Volée.” (A. Toller.)
Tally ho! Tho' that is rather out of date we know!
Still, yes! still serve it will sporting tendencies to show
So once more, tally ho!
Right through the forest let our voices go!
Wolf or bear, who needs care, yoicks and tally ho!
But the modern way we quarry slay
Is to pic-nic out on a shiny day.
And we feel tip-top, when the fizz goes pop!
And the game's gone a mile away,
For we don't pursue—that the keepers do.
Or we may go in for a small battue!
But you'd never think we would leave a drink
For the finest game e'er grew.
And the pigeon we're willing should die,
'Cos he tastes very well in a pie.
But the wearisome wolf and the bear
May remain where they are—
In their distant lair—their lair, tally ho!
Pac.
No sign of sport across our path has hovered!
Bland.
(touching dish with game)
This is the only game that's been dish-covered!
All.
(disgusted)
Oh!
Bland.
(bowing)
Thanks! That “Oh” 's a compliment to me!
Bert.
It makes me call for—oh!—
All.
What?
Bert.
(helping himself)
Eau-de-vie!
Where's Valentine?
Pac.
Why, where a lover should!
Spooning with Eglantine amidst the wood!
Yes, it's a case!
25
Hauf.
to Henry)
D'ye hear? It's quite court talk
Day after day with him she'll loll or walk,
Whilst we—a cut above him—
Henry.
(parenthetically)
Rather! blow him!
Hauf.
His pedestal of strength can't cut below him!
Henry.
Well, I said “blow him!”
Hauf.
Hear my explanation—
I meant the adverb, not the objurgation!
Think—Here's his henchman, faithful, shrewd, and sharp!
Enter Hugo, with shield.
At'enchman such as I you cannot carp!
(aside)
A fishy lot!
Hauf.
Encroach on him we may
O-bleak-ly, thus!
(shakes purse)
Henry.
We may! some dace, some day!
Hugo.
The jack-o'-dandies!
Hauf.
This his heart will search!
No doubt 'e'll bring his master off his perch!
Henry.
The Princess, then—
Hauf.
With arts we can surround her!
I am a dab at that!
Hugo.
There's not a doubt of it, you're fairly caught!
Hauf.
(to Henry)
All men have got their price—he can be bought!
Money is quite omnipotent, we know!
Hugo, we'd like to know how far you go?
Here's cash! If you'll the road before us clear!
Henry.
(showing purse)
I say, here's cash!
Hugo.
(as if reflecting)
My master to cashier
Well-money's money!
Hauf.
See, he's getting soft!
Money!
Hugo.
I've said so, money a time and oft!
Your wish!
Hauf.
To let this Orson simply win!
Hugo.
A march on him to steal you offer tin!
I'll take the coin!—how must I work this guilt?
Hauf.
(touching sword)
When he draws this—he'll only draw the hilt!
And then, deprived of buckler and of sword!—
Henry.
Orson “walks over!”—and our friend is floored!
(trumpet)
Hauf.
Hush!—to this plan agree, or you will rue it!
Hugo.
It is extremely wicked, but I'll do it!
Hauf.
Thus to successful close our plots we bring!
Hugo.
Gentlemen! let us go to meet the King!
(Exeunt All.)
26
Bland.
And this is hunting, is it? Nice diversion!
Pac.
D'ye mean to fly!
Felix.
No! it's too much exertion!
Concerted Piece.
(at conclusion, exeunt.)
Enter Valentine.
Val.
Once more! Where are you, Eglantine, I say!
I guess, tho', what's occurred—she's lost her way!
Which is not complimentary; no doubt
When you are “sparking” a nice girl about,
Stick to a fellow is my simple motto!
Yes! Sparkin's well enough—but where's she got to?
Perphaps I've lost myself! They told me “Go
“Down so!” (points)
or—goodness! pr'aps it was “up so!”
Oh! faithless Memory!—but why make a fuss?
As Tom Moore wisely sings—“'Twas ever thus!”
Song—“Memory.”
My memory never was very big—
(My chances in life it must rob)—
You've only to ask me, “do Thingummy jig!”
And I'm bound to do “Thingummy bob!”
Down a street, we will say, I am asking my way—
I'm regarded of senses bereft—
For, by memory's spite, told to “turn to the right,”
I'm certain to turn to the left!
(My chances in life it must rob)—
You've only to ask me, “do Thingummy jig!”
And I'm bound to do “Thingummy bob!”
Down a street, we will say, I am asking my way—
I'm regarded of senses bereft—
For, by memory's spite, told to “turn to the right,”
I'm certain to turn to the left!
Oh! memory! come to me; once for all!
You're getting me into the ranks
Of those whom the common people call—
(forgets)
What is it? (Prompter: “Duffers!”)
Thanks!
You're getting me into the ranks
Of those whom the common people call—
(forgets)
What is it? (Prompter: “Duffers!”)
Thanks!
If invited for seven, I turn up at six,
From hostess and host catch it hot!
When I ask folks to dine there's the deuce of a shine
When they find that the dinner's forgot!
Then, of trifles to speak, month or day of the week,
I never recall—to my shame!
For, I can't remember the fifth of November!
And always forget my name!
From hostess and host catch it hot!
When I ask folks to dine there's the deuce of a shine
When they find that the dinner's forgot!
Then, of trifles to speak, month or day of the week,
I never recall—to my shame!
For, I can't remember the fifth of November!
And always forget my name!
If matters much further like this should go,
In prison I'll work at the “cranks,”
Want of mem'ry will make me, I know—
(forgets)
A—what is it? (Prompter: “convict!”
Thanks!
In prison I'll work at the “cranks,”
Want of mem'ry will make me, I know—
(forgets)
A—what is it? (Prompter: “convict!”
Thanks!
27
There seems no end to the whims grotesque
That plague this forgetful elf—
If I write I leave the note on my desk!
And I stamp, and I post, myself!
At night, thro' this weakness within my head,
My misery's still “all there,”
For my clothes I tuck carefully into bed,
And throw myself over the chair!
That plague this forgetful elf—
If I write I leave the note on my desk!
And I stamp, and I post, myself!
At night, thro' this weakness within my head,
My misery's still “all there,”
For my clothes I tuck carefully into bed,
And throw myself over the chair!
I order a carriage and walk, with a groan,
On the much slower “mare of shanks”
And destined for Brixton I land at Boulogne!
And find that—(Prompter: “You're out of it!”)
Thanks!
On the much slower “mare of shanks”
And destined for Brixton I land at Boulogne!
And find that—(Prompter: “You're out of it!”)
Thanks!
I've been in the Army—of course you know!
And figured, I'm sure, by chance—
For often I've sounded “Retreat!” (bugle)
Just so!
When, of course, I intended “Advance!”
The Navy I tried, and forgetfully cried
“Land Ho!” when we'd lots of ”sea room,”
And told quarter-deck swells to “reef all their eight bells,
And to fire the aft-jib-boom!”
And figured, I'm sure, by chance—
For often I've sounded “Retreat!” (bugle)
Just so!
When, of course, I intended “Advance!”
The Navy I tried, and forgetfully cried
“Land Ho!” when we'd lots of ”sea room,”
And told quarter-deck swells to “reef all their eight bells,
And to fire the aft-jib-boom!”
I heaved the lead at the Admiral's head!
And ran 'em on big sand-banks—
And sang (when my memory served!) this strain—
(forgets: to Muscal Conductor.)
Beg pardon! what is it? (ultimately)
—Thanks!
And ran 'em on big sand-banks—
And sang (when my memory served!) this strain—
(forgets: to Muscal Conductor.)
Beg pardon! what is it? (ultimately)
—Thanks!
(Exit)
(Enter dogs and huntsmen—cheers)
Enter King Pepin.
Pep.
(much knocked about.)
My! what a run! Our nerves are awful shook!
Twice in a hedge, and four times in a brook!
Next time, tho', I'll, to cope with that high-stepper,
Engage a forester who's played Mazeppa!
Hugo.
You shouldn't ride a horse that's so unruly!
This is nice “change for a sovereign,” truly!
Pep.
Here, don't you chaff your monarchy, sirs or scoff
But for inspection through the woods be off
(Exeunt Court, &c.
(Solus)
I hate wild beasts, although I'm mighty bold,
I wish I was in bed—I've such a cold.
Enter Haufray.
Hauf.
Your Royal coat is, Sire,
Muddy
Pep.
All right! mud's nothing to ad-mire!
Give us a drink! your Royal Monarch's dry—
(Inside! ahem!) upon my word, Sirs, I
28
Enter Eglantine with dogs and Court.
Egl.
(appears at top of ravine)
Then, like the old year, we might wring you out!
That's one to me!
(comes down)
Pep.
(annoyed)
Of course! yes, off you go!
Egl.
My spirits are so buoyant, dear, you know!
Pep.
(pushing her away)
“Buoyant,” indeed!—with all the larks of men!
Egl.
(laughing)
Yes, buoyant!—shall we say “Tom-buoyant,” then?
(dogs leap about her)
See, how the darlings love me! Down you go!
But first your splendid training you must show!
First class! (dogs come down)
You'll hear now how they shine in song—
Pep.
(angry)
How long?
Egl.
Excuse me, they will not howl long!
I do not wish to put you all to pain!
Attention! (sings)
“Slap bang! here I am again!”
A final proof of their high training see!
(to dogs)
I say I'm here!
Dogs.
(joyfully, sitting up)
“What jolly dogs are we?”
(they disperse)
Egl.
Houp, la! (dogs form tableaux)
That's training, eh?—my own invention,
Without the School Board's kindly-meant attention!
What sport?
Hauf.
As usual, of game a dearth!
Egl.
(pointing to pic-nic)
As usual, tho'—ran a game-pie to earth!
With other quarry not much to complain,
And had a rattling “burst,” too, with champagne!
To other wild thing, thro' the wood a creeper,
Shutting your eyes, whilst opening your “Piper”!
Hugo.
(to Haufray)
She's in rare form to-day! D'ye like it?
Hauf.
No!
Egl.
Come on, then! Who'll with me a hunting go?
I like large game—don't you?
(to King)
Pep.
No, not a bit!
(Bear comes down)
Egl.
You've not the spirit of a Thomas Tit!
I'd like to fight a lion!
Pep.
(despairingly)
Off again!
Egl.
Hold him with all my might—and by his mane!
Within his tawny hide my knife to cram it!
Or else a bear—
(excitedly)
Hugo.
(seeing it)
You've got your wish, then!
Pep.
Damn it!
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Escape!
Hauf.
The dogs!
Henry.
Observe its rolling eye!
Pep.
Hold! emulate your Monarch's pluck, and fly!
(They set the dogs on to the bear; the chase begins; all off but Eglantine)
Egl.
Each to show manliness too much afraid is!
Well! for most qualities give me the ladies!
Song.—Eglantine.
What makes men so bold? (the young or the old!)
What gives supernatural strength?
What makes them so weak they sometimes cannot speak
Their sentiments freely at length?
What troubles their mind—makes them morally blind—
And all imperfections look o'er?
What has thousands down-hurled from success in the world?
And will do it, I fear, evermore!
What gives supernatural strength?
What makes them so weak they sometimes cannot speak
Their sentiments freely at length?
What troubles their mind—makes them morally blind—
And all imperfections look o'er?
What has thousands down-hurled from success in the world?
And will do it, I fear, evermore!
Why, the Ladies! Yes, the Ladies!
Darlings—if dark or fair!
The world made is by the Ladies!
Ruling it ev'rywhere!
Darlings—if dark or fair!
The world made is by the Ladies!
Ruling it ev'rywhere!
What makes life so sweet? What—pretty and neat—
The miser's tight purse-strings will draw?
What leaves you in rags? What bullies and “knags?”
What boasts an unlimited “jaw?”
What saves you from sorrow, looks out for to-morrow,
And scatters a blessing around?
The best thing that's human! a sweet-tempered woman!
But where is the thing to be found?
The miser's tight purse-strings will draw?
What leaves you in rags? What bullies and “knags?”
What boasts an unlimited “jaw?”
What saves you from sorrow, looks out for to-morrow,
And scatters a blessing around?
The best thing that's human! a sweet-tempered woman!
But where is the thing to be found?
'Mongst the Ladies! &c.
(Repeat chorus.)
(Repeat chorus.)
Egl.
Escaped! With baffled sport I'm fit to smother!
Orson.
What are you up to?—chevying my mother?
Egl.
That man! I call you “man,” observe, for courtesy!
Orson.
Thanks—oh, so much! I dont appear, though, hurt, see!
This is my realm.
Egl.
I thought it was the King's.
And, oh! why don't you put on proper things!
Orson.
(aside)
Another, to my want of clothes, allusion!
I feel I'm covered only with confusion!
Are you aware that I am wild and rough,
And utterly too dangerous?
Egl.
Oh! stuff!
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(She helps him
Orson.
(drinks)
I ask again, why chevy my dear mother?
Another glass!—might win a heart of wood!
She has been devilish kind, and (drinks)
devilish good!
So you're a girl?
Egl.
That any fool might see!
Orson.
(aside)
Fool!—has that distant reference to me!—
(coming to her)
Under what category me d'ye bring?
(he is listening earnestly)
Egl.
Perhaps I best describe you as a “Thing!”
Orson.
Yes! ex-Zacky-ly, my dear!
Egl.
Don't call me “dear!” Be off!
Orson.
I plainly see!
I call you “deer”—you make gazelle of me!
Deer! while to win your smile I'm scarcely hoping!
Mark, if with t'other chap you aren't elope-ing!
Don't ye think—I'll have it out before we part—
The child of Nature hasn't any 'eart?
Say something! my poor nerves is quickly “rose!”
Egl.
(coolly)
Good day!—get measured for a suit of clothes!
(Exit)
Orson.
It's palpable she takes me for a brute!
She spurns my suit!—I mean my lack of suit!
Clothes! in these rocks, undressed, I've been a fixture!
My only costume, say, your Oxford mixture!
Or go to Poole's? and brave this stormy weather!
He is, I'm told a strong Poole altogether!
I am a savage and I act as sich!
Yet I the difference see 'twixt poor and rich.
Song (Orson).—G. W. Hunter.
There's lots of discussions on “charity views,”
And much we must fairly call “cant,”
Why should earnest reflectors the poor men abuse,
While the rich men are dying of want!
The poor have the best of things of this life,
So, why should the rich be despised?
Perhaps my remarks may occasion some strife,
If my feeling are not analysed!
Then give to the poor when they're not in distress,
Be it only a crust or a penny,
Reflect that a swell wears a beard and moustache,
While the poor working girl hasn't any!
And much we must fairly call “cant,”
Why should earnest reflectors the poor men abuse,
While the rich men are dying of want!
The poor have the best of things of this life,
So, why should the rich be despised?
Perhaps my remarks may occasion some strife,
If my feeling are not analysed!
Then give to the poor when they're not in distress,
Be it only a crust or a penny,
Reflect that a swell wears a beard and moustache,
While the poor working girl hasn't any!
The poor go to Brighton each year for their health,
The rich have to sorrow at home!
For the poor have unlimited sources of wealth,
And can spend it in Venice or Rome.
The rich man his modest half-pint might obtain—
If the poor man his debts will but pay;
But the poor man is living on grouse and champagne,
And the rich man is starving on hay!
Then, pray, give a thought to the weak or undressed,
Be it only the half of a penny;
Remember a Duchess may show two black eyes,
While the sempstress's needle's not any!
Chorus.
The rich have to sorrow at home!
For the poor have unlimited sources of wealth,
And can spend it in Venice or Rome.
31
If the poor man his debts will but pay;
But the poor man is living on grouse and champagne,
And the rich man is starving on hay!
Then, pray, give a thought to the weak or undressed,
Be it only the half of a penny;
Remember a Duchess may show two black eyes,
While the sempstress's needle's not any!
Then give what you can to those who've too much,
Tho' they fight like the cats of Kilkenny!
Think! a Duke may despair of possessing an heir,
While the poor working-man has too many!
Tho' they fight like the cats of Kilkenny!
Think! a Duke may despair of possessing an heir,
While the poor working-man has too many!
Enter Valentine above.
[Music
Val.
This is a Ravine!—and my steed's a spavin!
Good business that! My! what a day we're avin'!
So there's a pic-nic going on! Nice sight!
For one who's “on” for a tremendous fight!
It isn't pleasant to—(you'll own the truth!)
Be made a meal of in the flour of youth!
(Scream off)
Good business that! My! what a day we're avin'!
So there's a pic-nic going on! Nice sight!
For one who's “on” for a tremendous fight!
It isn't pleasant to—(you'll own the truth!)
Be made a meal of in the flour of youth!
A scream! My nerves, now bear me through this toughly!
Like Eglantine's, when she's been squeezed too roughly!
Enter Eglantine and Orson.
'Tis she! (seizing Orson)
You—
Like Eglantine's, when she's been squeezed too roughly!
Enter Eglantine and Orson.
'Tis she! (seizing Orson)
You—
(Eglantine falls into Valentine's arms)
Orson.
I'm a man, sir, and a brother!
(furious)
What did she mean by “chevying” my mother?
I live midst toadstools in the clear, cool air!
Egl.
Toadstools!
Val.
One comfort is, you've mush room there!
We in the Court experience worse ills!
Egl.
You live amongst blue bells—we 'mongst blue pills!
Yet from your rustic draughts, my friend, deliver us!
Orson.
(tasting)
It's river-water, and its eau-de-river-ous!
Val.
The Board of Works shall soon our health secure,
“Making assurance”—
Orson.
Quite so!—“doubly sewer!‘
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No! I'm afraid your state 'gainst ours don't “show up!”
On that point, friend, the sponge you had better throw up!
Orson.
(innocently)
“Sponge, what is sponge? If you'ld your strength compare,
I'd “throw a sponge up” with you anywhere!
Egl.
If you should come across one, don't refuse it;
Don't “throw it up” at all, but simply use it!
Orson.
Again! there's something lurks in that remark!
I don't half like this lady and her spark—
With rage I flame,—their chaff I don't admire!
Tho' I can thrash her spark I can't defy her!
Val.
The simply savage is “played out!”
Egl.
Quite true!
We've had a tattoo-ed nobleman like you!
Val.
Such exhibitious folk are not now “gone on!”
You woundn't draw as much as your are drawn on!
Orson.
I see! upon my costume you'd refine, oh
“A little less of skin, and more of Kino!”
(Shakespeare).
Are you to come, and over me to glory?
Here? dash my wig! in my own Terry-Tory!
Look here! and here! (hurls rocks, etc.)
Val.
(coolly)
Well! now your wrath's assuaged!
For the Aquarium you are engaged! (takes note)
Egl.
Excellent! Yes,—I'm so glad that he picked you!
Val.
(still writing)
It's understood, friend, after I have licked you.
The time of battle now approaches!
Egl.
Yes!
You'll make mince-meat of him—in that—want of dress!
Orson.
I'll heap, proud beauty, all surprise, surprise on!
Mince-meat! “what's one mince-meats' another mince-pies-'on!”
Val.
(quails)
Ah!
Egl.
Tell me, love, what are you shrinking at!
Val.
I'm done—if he comes armed with puns like that!
Orson.
I rather think I fetched my dandy nicely
At two!
Val.
Tat-too! we fight at two, precisely!
Trio.
Egl.
It almost seems a pity thus to squabble, row, and fight,
When if youl'd calmly come to town, you'ld make a splendid sight!
Val.
The profits I should make on you I really cannot guess!
Ors.
And pray, my enterprising lad, where comes your great success?
33
Well! I'd first show you at the Aquarium!
Ors.
Say: We'd cage you up at the Zoo!
Val.
You'd knock 'em, I know, at the waxwork show
Egl.
And the Crystal Palace, too!
Ors.
Oh! it's all very well, but if you get squashed,
When I give it you left and right!
Val.
I shall see, too, my friend, you are properly washed
Every Saturday night.
Ors.
What right have you, fine sir, like wine, to draw me from the wood?
You'ld make engagements? Can you make the said engagements good?
Egl.
As far as proper payment goes—well, that I guarantee!
Val.
What are the terms, my simple savage, you expect from me?
Ors.
A Thousand for the Aquarium!
Two Thousand for the Zoo!
Val.
If this is but scoff, the thing I'm off!
Egl.
I drop the business, too!
Ors.
Three thou' at Tussaud's, or the Palace I'll smash!
Val.
This is overwhelming quite!
Ors.
And I won't take cheques, I'll have it in cash,
Every Saturday night!
Enter Haufray.
Hauf.
Well! so far, all goes well for our new plot!
Does Hugo mean us fair, or does he not?
Valentine armed, the savage foe must thrash him!
Disarmed, the savage foe will simply smash him!
Then I shall soon regain my rank and power!
I mean to reign! Reign!—yes, of that I'm shower!
Song.—Haufray
It's very nice, I can't deny
To feel yourself in love,
Although the party's station's high—
And yours—well, far above!
I knew a village maiden once,
In her's my heart was bound—
For daisies and for buttercups
We roved the meads around.
Chorus.To feel yourself in love,
Although the party's station's high—
And yours—well, far above!
I knew a village maiden once,
In her's my heart was bound—
For daisies and for buttercups
We roved the meads around.
Since then I've gone thro' many a strife,
And so much wiser grown,
And now look for a wealthy wife,
Who's not far off a throne.
And so much wiser grown,
And now look for a wealthy wife,
Who's not far off a throne.
34
The buttercups may fade for me,
The daisies die, or worse!
What I look to, is l s d,
My aim to fill my purse!
The daisies die, or worse!
What I look to, is l s d,
My aim to fill my purse!
She don't touch my chin,
But I often grin,
When owning love's pretty fetter,
At the girl I took up with the buttercup,
And I think I'm doing better!
But I often grin,
When owning love's pretty fetter,
At the girl I took up with the buttercup,
And I think I'm doing better!
Enter Henry.
Henry.
(hastily)
I say, that beggar's coming!
Hauf.
Hugo?
Henry.
Yes!
It's understood, of course, about the dress;
Also the sword—the—
Hauf.
Call a spade a spade!
The trick for which our creature's Hugo made!
Why, what on earth in this scheme you're afraid for?
Enter Hugo.
Hugo.
(touching himself)
He calls a spade a spade—that's what he's paid for!
When Valentine comes out—then comes the rub!
Orson will introduce him to his club!
And 'gainst that club, what's 'art?
Hauf.
Just so—that's true!
Hugo.
It's “on the cards,” all diamonds to you!
You understand this somewhat hidden lingo?
(They nod)
(aside)
Diamonds!—yah! this trick you'll rue, by Jingo!
Up earl-y you must get my trust to hire!
Diamonds!—oh, my very heart's a-fire!
Hauf.
You talk of jewels like a very Jew!
Hugo.
(humbly)
Jewels!—oh, yes, I amethyst-ing you!
(trumpet)
Henry.
The King returns! For what's to come, prepare!
Hugo.
There's one thing you have overlooked—the bear!
A dangerous second, that!
Hauf.
All right, don't chaff!
(to Henry)
Forgot the Bear!—might have got off for half!
(Music)
Enter Pacolet, Blandiman, &c.
Hauf.
What news?
35
Escaped! The dogs a failure quite!
Bland
The Bear just “doubled,” and was out of sight!
Pac.
The whole affair was one disgraceful rout!
Bert.
What odds? I didn't come to rush about!
Rab.
Nice sort of work a man like me to bring!
Give us a glass of fizz, or anything!
(Cheers)
Hauf.
The King! Bad manners, pray, put on the shelf!
Pac.
Oh, you shut up! He's awful “slue-d himself!
Enter Pepin and Huntsmen, with Dogs.
(Music)
Pep.
(assistants try to take his cloak off)
Here, whip 'em off! We live a life, we Kings!
Whip 'em off! Idiots! I don't mean my things!
I've been bear-hunting; but, pray, be aware,
There's not the least cause for my hunting bare!
Give us a drink! my throat's with shouting sore!
What is it, friend?
Hugo.
(presents cup)
The mixture as before!
Pep.
It seems to sparkle, also fizz, and bubble some;
Hugo.
To be repeated when the cough is troublesome!
Pep.
(aside, pleased)
This man must be advanced!
Hauf.
(to Henry)
What means this shine?
Pep.
(to Hugo)
You are—?
Hugo.
The Valet to Sir Valentine!
Pep.
(laughing)
Of course! the fight!
(pats Hugo on back)
Hauf.
What's this?—this is a new go!
“Le Roi s'amuse!”
Pep.
He'll be the Victor, Hugo!
Meanwhile, let's lark!—all trouble us annoys;
Kick up a devil of a row, dear boys!
(Sports; Ballet at end.—Trumpet)
Hauf.
Valentine! (to Hugo)
Is all safe?
Henry.
For goodness sake,
Don't let there be this time the least mistake!
Hugo.
(showing sword)
It's right!
Hauf.
Hush!
Henry.
Mum!
Pep.
(very drunk)
Ha, ha! that's devilish good!
(Bear growls)
I think we've “drawn a whine, there, from the wood!”
I shall resume the chase. I cannot see
An inch before me. Follow, follow me!
(Exeunt all)
Enter Valentine and Eglantine.
Val.
It isn't very pleasant, is it it, my dear?
But through the business I must go, that's clear!
36
Egl.
Yes! I shudder at the roar!
Val.
“Coming events,” dear, “cast their shudders before!”
So Campbell says.
Egl.
How do you feel? Speak, plain!
Your nerves will be so started by this strain!
Why fight the thing?—
Val.
Don't rail!
Egl.
Oh! you'll be ruein' it
You cannot look a motive up for doin' it!
Val.
I can!
Egl.
You can't! To beg you off I sue!
What do you do it for?
Val.
What for?—For you!
Duo.—“Rouge et Noir.”
Valentine and Eglantine.
Val.
Tell me what I wouldn't do for you!
Name, and I'll the danger seek!
Egl.
Yes! I quite believe that you are true,
Only woman's nerves are always weak!
Val.
Do I not the foeman bravely dare?
Egl.
Certainly I grant you that!
Val.
Will not I with you my fortune share?
Egl.
Well! to that, I have an answer pat—
I can only give you all my heart!
Val.
The answer that I crave.
You are just perfection—jokes apart!
Egl.
And you're so strong, so brave!
Val.
I can only say, since first we met
I've loved you—man and boy!
Egl.
When in collars—(can I e'er forget?
We shared each sweet and toy!
Val.
Tell me what I wouldn't do for you!
Name and I'll the danger seek!
Egl.
Yes! I quite believe that you are true,
Only woman's nerves are always weak!
Val.
Will you my poor lot contented share?
Egl.
Love! to that I answer “Done!”
Val.
Then for wedded bliss we will prepare
When they weld the happy two in one!
(Dance off)
Enter Orson, with huge tree.—Bear follows.
Orson.
Don't think, dear mother, I too much have dared;
I don't feel happy— (wields tree)
but I feel prepared!
(Music—Pageant)
37
(Guards excepted), Hugo at side, with shield set.
Pep.
We're up to time, I think! or something's in it!
Hauf.
You're punctual, as usual, to the minute!
Egl.
Oh! how my heart beats! What results 'twould bring
If it could only beat—that awful thing!
Hugo.
Don't be afraid! I'm on the spot, you know;
(showing shield)
Isn't it lovely? I have cleaned it so!
You ought to like it—
Egl.
(puzzled)
Can't say just this minute!
Hugo.
You should—'cos you can see yourself, dear, in it!
(Trumpets.—Cheers)
Enter Valentine and Suite.
Val.
Thanks! But perhaps this cheering might be stopped
Because it's possible I may be whopped!
Egl.
Absurd!
Hauf.
(aside to Henry)
Not quite!
Henry.
I'm watching Hugo!
Hauf.
Good!
Pep.
(anxious)
Oh, here's our undressed party from the wood!
I say!—This is a fight! No blooming “cross!”
Val.
Well! I mean business! Come, old man, you toss!
Enter Bear, in crinoline.
Pep.
(searching)
Where's my bad shilling?”
Orson.
(loudly)
Hem! I am a stranger!
And hitherto have not invited danger;
But, I should like it fully put forth now,
Mother and I are “ready for a row!”
Pep.
(applauding)
Ring! Ring!
Hauf.
(to Hugo aside)
It's right?
Hugo.
Right as the rightest banks!
Give us the money!
Henry.
(gives purse)
We must “part.”
Hugo.
(pocketing purse)
Oh! thanks!
Egl.
(to Orson)
Is that the weapon you to use intend?
Val.
I think I told you, “bar the Bear,” my friend!
I can't fight both!
Orson.
You won't fight bear! You're right!
I'm bare! and you are clothed in armour bright!
38
Val.
If question 'tis of bare,
What do you think of this, then?—there! and there!
(Throws off armour—Tableau)
Orson.
Well! since I've seen you in that sweet undress,
I shouldn't like to harm you, I confess!
Egl.
He quails at pigeon into you! Go on!
You shall not ride the high 'orse on—Orson!
Pep.
Time!
Hauf.
Now to work!
Orson.
Thus, then, my club I wield!
Val.
(draws sword—only hilt)
I this!
(chord)
Orson.
(lifting tree)
Then, victory!
Hugo.
(pushing shield forward)
Not so! The shield!
Orson.
(sees himself)
Myself! myself! in hideousness great!
Civilization! and Electro-Plate!
To art like this, I own I'm bound to yield!
Hugo.
(to Hauf)
I've got your money, and I cleaned the shield!
Give in?
Orson.
I do! I never knew before
How very horrible a mug I bore!
You're beautiful! Goody lessons preach me!
And how to yellow soap use—bless you!—teach me!
Egl.
Then all stand by, and right go in with might!
Bear.
Hold! hang it all, don't let two brothers fight!
Pep.
Brothers!
Hugo.
What's this! a sort of spell seems broken!
Bear.
(drops on all fours)
It's truth!
Pep.
(rising)
It is! a miracle has spoken!
Both in the forest lost—amongst the rocks!
Val.
I see it all! 'Tis he!
Orson.
'Tis he!
Val.
Box!!
Orson.
Cox!!
(Embrace—tableau)
Pep.
So, all well ends; the moral, though, I say!
Egl.
A moral in burlesque?
Val.
Why not, dear, pray?
Of course, our object's trying to be funny,
Orson.
With just a sort of side-glance as to money!
The moral's, though, apparent to the nation:—
Brotherly Love—
(holding Val's hand)
Val.
And blow the Education!
39
FINALE.
“He's an old 'un.”
To this harmless piece of nonsense there's an ending,
No doubt you'll all be glad to get away;
But we beg you say a little word befriending
This wild farrago which we call a play!
No doubt you'll all be glad to get away;
But we beg you say a little word befriending
This wild farrago which we call a play!
It's very well to pull down a construction,
Which once has taken lots of time to build!
But a kindly hand or two's an introduction
Of joy to us, and helps to gild the pill!
Which once has taken lots of time to build!
But a kindly hand or two's an introduction
Of joy to us, and helps to gild the pill!
It's an old 'un, but it's a golden
Saying—“Be to others' failings charitable, good!”
You will find we'll to you beholden,
And we'll still be friends, of course, as ever we should!
Saying—“Be to others' failings charitable, good!”
You will find we'll to you beholden,
And we'll still be friends, of course, as ever we should!
CURTAIN
| Valentine And Orson | |