 | Valentine And Orson |  |
7
ACT I.
Exterior of King Pepin's Palace.Great Preparations to receive the Return of the Troops: Bells, &c. Concourse of Knights, Ladies, Attendants, &c. Busy Scene.
Opening Chorus.
Hail him, greet him! rush in a mob to meet him!
With your choicest liquors prepare to treat him!
Hear him, cheer him! champagne and claret and beer him!
Noise, noise, dear boys, kick up a pleasing shine!
We'll now have all we axes,
Reduced will be the taxes!
For he a lad of wax is the handsome Valentine!
Ring bells, shout swells! let all to mirth incline!
With your choicest liquors prepare to treat him!
Hear him, cheer him! champagne and claret and beer him!
Noise, noise, dear boys, kick up a pleasing shine!
We'll now have all we axes,
Reduced will be the taxes!
For he a lad of wax is the handsome Valentine!
Ring bells, shout swells! let all to mirth incline!
To-day, no pay, for all we'll gratis dine!
We're happy as can be, lads!
On that we'll all agree, lads,
We'll have a howling spree, lads,
All thanks to Valentine!
We're happy as can be, lads!
On that we'll all agree, lads,
We'll have a howling spree, lads,
All thanks to Valentine!
Soon we'll see the victors in the field advancing!
Shields all bright and many a snowy, waving plume;
Swords so keen, and steeds with glittering harness prancing!
Room for those who have so nobly conquered—room!
Ring bells, &c.
Shields all bright and many a snowy, waving plume;
Swords so keen, and steeds with glittering harness prancing!
Room for those who have so nobly conquered—room!
Ring bells, &c.
Among them all one must shine,
For ever hero, Valentine!
Whose honour is so pure and bright,
As well at home as in the fight!
The glories of the field belong
To him for whom we raise this song.
Hail, champion of the fatal fray!
For ever hero, Valentine!
Whose honour is so pure and bright,
As well at home as in the fight!
The glories of the field belong
To him for whom we raise this song.
Hail, champion of the fatal fray!
8
Hugo.
Here! stop that din, my playful girls and boys!
My ears you don't know how a noise annoys!
Pac.
It's only zeal!
Hugo.
(Polishing a shield)
Each one who makes a rout
Will “catch it” for his zeal—as he'll find out!
(fanning himself)
It's like two English counties, I'd be stating,
A Norfolk crowd, and heat that's Suffolk-ating!
Bland.
We don't mean to be talked to, sir, by you!
Rab.
He always was a cheeky lot!
Bert.
That's true!
Pac.
But any one's allowed to make a shine
Who toadies that “perfection,” Valentine!
Bland.
A Foundling! Pooh!
Bert.
A nobody!
Hugo.
(Sneering)
Rave on!
You're awfully courageous while he's gone?
But present—he would chop you to the chine
For half that speech
Enter Henry and Haufray.
Hauf.
Who would?
Hugo.
Why, Valentine!
Like bits of twigs from off that broken pine!
Henry.
Who are you speaking of?
Hugo.
Why, Valentine!
My master!—yours! Oh! put those swords away!
Beside him, where will you be, please, to-day?
'Twere folly, sure, comparison to raise
'Twixt carpet-knights, and his victorious days!
I had you there!—not that I want you!
(goes up)
Hauf.
(bringing Haufray down)
Brother!
Henry.
'Arry!—excuse the “H”!
Hauf.
I'm fit to smother!
I am a splendid man!—full! plump! not bony
Strong, as—well, not to boast—a Shetland pony
Yet—somehow—do you see my drift?
Henry.
I do!
I see you drift from what I had in view!
You wish to—?
Hauf.
Hush! The banquet!—fill his cup—
After the sweets!—
Henry.
Pies on! To that I'm “up”!
Hauf.
Then!—when the potion he has not a thought on—
Be the drugged article to fill his, brought on!
Henry.
Hush!—we're observed!
(they go up)
Hugo.
There's brewing evil weather
When you get putting your two heads together!
9
A hireling knave!
Hugo.
But master here could see
One true as steel!
Hauf.
(sneering)
Steel!
Hugo.
(nodding head)
Hence his hirin' me!
Talking of metal, here's a warrior's shield!
Was a bit rusty from the battle-field.
But, since I've polished it, looks good as new!
She's like a blessed mirror! Yes! she'll do!
Make a good looking-glass! But, I'll confess,
(pointing off to palace)
With that good-looking lass you're no success!
Hauf.
(to Henry, aside)
It's evident, from this excess of cheek,
Against us somebody at Court must speak!
It also strikes me—(you observed his sneer?)
That Eglantine don't love me much!
Henry.
Same here
In vain to answer “Yes,” I try to rush her,
To each appeal her answer is a crusher!
Hauf.
To every compliment she makes demur!
Hugo.
“Crusher!” She doesn't care a bawbee, sir!—
Scotch for a halfpenny!
Hauf.
Oh, thanks! so much!
Halfpenny! bawbee! might be Greek or Dutch!
Hugo.
I'd bet a bob he don't live in this nation.
Who'd give a halfpenny for your penetration!
But soon, my lively parties, you'll be dumb,
Or sing a smaller tune, when master's come.
Trio and Chorus.
“The Lodger's Come.”
(Haufray, Henry, and Hugo.)
Hugo.
It's very well to bully, and you've certainly contrived
Your very humble servant to abuse;
But your rosy time is over now the real swell's arrived,
And I notice you're delighted at the news!
You've had sinecures by dozens, and the revenues you've drained,
And, like other jolly dogs, you've had your day;
But you'll now have to surrender all the spoil you have obtained,
And the public will enchanted be to say—
Your very humble servant to abuse;
But your rosy time is over now the real swell's arrived,
And I notice you're delighted at the news!
You've had sinecures by dozens, and the revenues you've drained,
And, like other jolly dogs, you've had your day;
But you'll now have to surrender all the spoil you have obtained,
And the public will enchanted be to say—
“I'm sorry to disturb you, but the Great Man's come!
I'm not at all astonished that you look so glum!
You'll disgorge the blessed lot,
And your plans will go to pot,
And you'll find that you're not in it, now the Right Man's come!”
I'm not at all astonished that you look so glum!
You'll disgorge the blessed lot,
And your plans will go to pot,
And you'll find that you're not in it, now the Right Man's come!”
10
If you've done with your tirade, Sir, may we just slip in a word?
(Understand, though, not the least in self-defence!
We shall be prepared for action, ere these wonders have occurred,
And we don't intend to yield to mere pretence!
Henry.
We're as good as your pet, Valentine, the too effulgent swell,
Who means to take our livelihood away!
Hauf.
There's a rod in pickle waiting, Mr. Toady, I can tell,
And I'd like to know what now you dare to say?
Hugo.
(after a pause, getting them near him)—
I'm sorry to disturb you, but my master's come!
From the posts you have commanded he the pair will drum.
You are humbugs, and you look it!
'Pon my soul, you'd better hook it,
For your goose he means to cook it, now the Right Man's come!
Pac.
The King!
(cheers)
Hauf.
Whose throne we mean to try for, eh?
(aside to Henry)
Henry.
Rather! Ha! ha! Hush!
(to Hugo)
(aloud to Hugo)
Hugo, you go 'way!
Flourish.
Enter Pepin and Court.
Pep.
Thanks, thanks, my people, for this cheering dutiful,
It's most affecting, but it isn't beautiful!
I love you, 'cos you keep me very decently,
And raised a much desired loan, too, recently.
You also fight—to me no joy inviting!—
And (bless you for it!) pay for all your fighting!
(Hugo has been filling a tankard)
And so from loyalty I scorn to shrink—
Only one thing is wanting now—
Hugo.
(presenting tankard)
A drink!
Pep.
Take, for this timely proffer of good cheer,
(affected)
This kindly purse! Go on, and purse-severe!
(hands purse)
Well, gents, we're done, at last, with war's alarms,
And victory complete has crowned our arms!
Once more amongst the nations we can shine,
I needn't tell you, thanks to—
All.
(except Hen. and Hauf.)
Valentine!
Hauf.
I burst with spite!
(aside)
Henry.
With rage my heart is swelling!
(aside)
Hauf.
Arrah be japers! I'm on for rebelling!
(aside)
11
The King's advanced us, petted us, and paid us,
And now this mere adventurer appears,
Becomes first favourite—
(Hugo listens)
Henry.
And I've my fears
He'll—but this scurvy treatment he shall rue!
Who, after this, would hesitate?
Hauf.
Quite true!
Even a worm would turn!
Hugo.
Don't wish to bore you!
(close to them)
But I've heard all! Ha! ha! “There's wormwood for you!”
You think, because King Pepin's mild and old,
He hasn't a protector, smart and bold!
You fancy you've his crown already won,
Because he lost in early youth a son!
Hauf.
Two, so the story goes! Oh! you're a bad one!
I don't believe, in fact, he ever had one!
Pep.
(overhearing)
Who says I never had a son? My stars!
(about to make naughty revelations)
We won't descend, though, to particulars!
Hauf.
We meant “successors.” Hem!
(sneering)
Pep.
The puppy'd joke us!
(to Hugo)
You tell the tale! Recital, sirs, would choke us!
(goes up)
Hugo.
The late Queen's life was not “couleur de rose!”
Faults on both sides, sirs—so the story goes!
Neither, of course, would yield—as you'll suppose!
One day she left him—so the story goes!
Within the forest there she bore him twins!
Hauf.
That's where the interest of the tale begins!
(sneering)
She said a bear stole one!—attentive mother!
And pray, what fable have you of the other?
Hugo.
You know a child was found, and we suppose—
Hauf.
Valentine! Pooh! That's where your story “goes!”
Breaks up and fails—
Hugo.
Yes; there's a lot in that!
Yet it might be—
Hauf.
Might be a gipsy's brat!
(trumpet)
Pep.
My niece—with every courtesy address her!
She's got a devil of a temper—bless her!
A spirit almost upon man's abutting!
(flourish)
Enter Eglantine.
(She has a lot of branches and wild-flowers, and looks a tomboy.)
Egl.
It's all right, governor. I've been out nutting!
Pep.
Out in those woods again?
12
Yes! That's quite true!
Hauf.
Nutting?
Egl.
All right. It's nutting, sir, to you!
Such larks!
(to King)
Pep.
With sorrow I could now be sobbin',
The lark I have need set no heart th-robbin'!
Oh! those wild woods! My life, I now begin it!
Only a lark, and such a little in it!
Only a blackberry, just here and there,
Or, pr'aps, the slyly setting of a snare.
There's-ne'er a keeper but will own a twinge
When he hears me sing out, “Springe, gentle Springe!”
Hugo.
'Twas I that in that blitheful art did “coach” her!
Hauf.
You egged her on, we know,
Pep.
Egg on; oh! poacher!
Song—Eglantine.
(Russian Melody.)
Though a tomboy me you call,
I don't care!
All I dare!
I climb up trees, and seldom fall,
I'm sound in wind and limb!
Dull courts I can't stand 'em,
As bores I brand 'em,
I rove at random.
I'd like to shoot or drive a tandem,
I've learned to row, to box, and swim.
I don't care!
All I dare!
I climb up trees, and seldom fall,
I'm sound in wind and limb!
Dull courts I can't stand 'em,
As bores I brand 'em,
I rove at random.
I'd like to shoot or drive a tandem,
I've learned to row, to box, and swim.
Why should women loll at ease?
Mild as milk, soft as silk!
It's always ease amongst us “she's,”
(To men I don't allude!)
Give me pleasure stronger,
Court rules, who'd heed 'em?
I'm on for freedom!
And skirts like these—not longer!
So, you observe, I'm not a prude.
(at conclusion, trumpets)
Mild as milk, soft as silk!
It's always ease amongst us “she's,”
(To men I don't allude!)
Give me pleasure stronger,
Court rules, who'd heed 'em?
I'm on for freedom!
And skirts like these—not longer!
So, you observe, I'm not a prude.
Hugo.
Master! I'm off! To greet him he must find me!
Gents all—“I leave my character behind me!”
(exit)
Hauf.
Best place for it!
Egl.
Oh! Don't so jeer and flaunt one!
He leaves his character.—Be quick—you want one!
Don't you talk love to me. I'd make “sans doute,”
A clean sweep of you, 'cos I spurn your soot!
Each glance, sir, I accept with condemnation!
A nasty risk each note of admiration!
In short—
Hauf.
Yes?
13
It applies to one and t'other!
Hauf.
We'll go and get an “S.-and-B.”
Henry.
Yes, brother!
(exeunt)
Trumpets.—Procession.
Enter Valentine and Hugo.
Cheers.
Pep.
A thousand thanks for this distinguished visit!
Hail! hail! stout warrior!
Val.
Hale!—well! where is it?
In battle from privation I don't shrink,
At peace—I'm thirsty, and I want a drink!
Egl.
My Valentine!
Val.
This is a sweet surprise!
(embraces her)
Hugo.
Just now “drink to him only with thine eyes!”
(hands tankard to Val.)
Egl.
So you're returned, victorious as ever!
It's well to have a general so clever!
I think you said—?
Val.
Quite true this lady speaks!
I said “the war'll be over in three weeks,
At noon”—at twelve we did the trick, precisely,
I like to manage these affairs, sir, nicely!
I've smashed and subjugated all a nation!
Twelve? Yes!—ten minutes just for variation!
(all consult watches)
Pep.
Our best reward!—
Val.
I try, I'm sure, to earn it!
Egl.
My Pearl of Gen'rals!
Val.
Not pearl, dear—Garnet!
Even a Peerage cannot raise my fame;
What's Baron honour to my ancient name?
Hugo.
We don't agree to that! and you won't brag!
Egl.
Where'er you've been you've never lowered our flag!
The flag of France!
Val.
Like puddings, love, of yore!
Egl.
Puddings?
Val.
Yes, “roleys,” with the “treacle o'er!” (tricolor)
Pep.
Now you've returned, we'll live in rout and dance!
It will be vive l'amour while ve've la France!
We think your conduct, sir, is simply “rippin'!”
Val.
Yes, all has ended apple-y, my Pepin!
Egl.
You're very clever, and you're very brave,
How did you manage, then, you're life to save?
Val.
Just for expedience, my head I screened it,
(taking shield from Hugo.)
'Twas thus I held my shield!
Hugo.
And Hugo cleaned it!
14
Like mud away my enemies I shovelled,
Standing upright, like this!
Hugo.
And Hugo grovelled
Grovel—not mud!
Val.
All warrior, I looked it!
I scorned to yield an inch!
Hugo.
And Hugo hooked it!
Egl.
For war or wisdom we on you rely!
Val.
Remember, too, each expedition made is
Not for reward, but to oblige the ladies.
Song—“I'd do it for Mary Ann.”
Valentine.
In me you scan a lady's man!
With pride I this declare!
To please the sex, myself perplex,
I do beyond my share.
Young, old, high, low—no change I know—
I love them all I can!
I can kiss and caress a grand princess
Or worship a Mary Ann!
With pride I this declare!
To please the sex, myself perplex,
I do beyond my share.
Young, old, high, low—no change I know—
I love them all I can!
I can kiss and caress a grand princess
Or worship a Mary Ann!
If they told me to go to Jericho,
I think that I should do it!
If they said make a dash and spend your cash,
I'd take the lot and blue it!
If they told me to jump, or work a pump,
Or be an organ man,
I think that, without the slightest doubt,
I should do it for Mary Ann!
I think that I should do it!
If they said make a dash and spend your cash,
I'd take the lot and blue it!
If they told me to jump, or work a pump,
Or be an organ man,
I think that, without the slightest doubt,
I should do it for Mary Ann!
I'd join the Ribbon Army
Which adopts the colour Blue!
I'd sit for hours amid sun-flowers,
Disgustingly “too too!”
I'd put on rags, and chalk the flags,
Drink champagne with a spoon!
I'd trade in silks, or beer, or whilks,
Fetch green cheese from the moon
Which adopts the colour Blue!
I'd sit for hours amid sun-flowers,
Disgustingly “too too!”
I'd put on rags, and chalk the flags,
Drink champagne with a spoon!
I'd trade in silks, or beer, or whilks,
Fetch green cheese from the moon
If she told me to try to fly the sky
Or turn the prison cranks,
Or swallow a pill, or make my will
In one of the Brighton tanks!
If she told me to wait thro' a late debate,
And tackle the “grand old man!”
To a tax be resigned, or a Bobby to find—
I'd do it for Mary Ann!
Or turn the prison cranks,
Or swallow a pill, or make my will
In one of the Brighton tanks!
If she told me to wait thro' a late debate,
And tackle the “grand old man!”
To a tax be resigned, or a Bobby to find—
I'd do it for Mary Ann!
15
As wise as warlike!
Val.
Sir! I've never boasted
But Valentines are rather widely posted!
Egl.
But come where luncheon and champagne delight us,
And sweetest strains, dear, to the dance invite us!
Val.
Don't want to dance St. Vitus! What d'ye mean?
(aside to Hugo)
Hugo!—get all these people off the scene!
Hugo
(nodding)
I understand! On this trick I am “big!”
Top of the tree!
Val.
Top of the tree?
Hugo.
'I twig!
Enter Haufray and Henry.
Hauf.
(to Val.)
We've breakfasted quite early, we'd be stating!
If you've had praise enough don't keep us waiting
Egl.
(makes at him—he retreats)
You dare to—yes! Step back! you'll find it safer!
If you don't fear whacks what d'ye get a-way for?
Henry.
(to Hauf.)
Don't be so rash!
Val.
(drawing)
All right, my friend, you'll see!
I'll pay you what I owes you, aujourdhui!
Pep.
No strife, my lords! to mar this happy day!
Up with your swords! To luncheon! Lead the way.
Hugo.
He'd lick you, for a tanner, with one hand.
(to Hauf.)
Hauf.
When you are ready, eh! you understand!
(touching his sword, and to Val.)
(Exeunt all but Val. and Eglantine)
Val.
If you would rather with that puppy go,
Trot!
Egl.
And why “Trot?” Don't take a gal up so!
You're much more likely to be faithless!
Val.
(quickly)
Aren't!
Egl.
To gallivant;
Val.
You are the gal I vant!
Soldiers are not like sailors, given to court,
And find a chérie, love, in ev'ry port!
Oh! I'm all right!—are you? I'd ask, my pet?
Egl.
You know that I adore you, so why fret?
Val.
Adore, yet quarrel? That's from true love far!
Adore is not adore when it's a jar!
Egl.
Jar! oh, preserve me! for I think I am
Fit to pass in a crowd!
Val.
Crowd! real jam!
16
Valentine and Eglantine.
Val.
Come, a truce to all your nonsense;
D'ye think that I'm a child?
Egl.
You're impudent, bold, and forward!
You make me almost wild!
Val.
Well! if you mean I turn your head,
That's just what I would do!
Egl.
If you're rude I'll cry!
Val.
Me rude? Not I!
What's gone wrong, love, with you?
(They quarrel, smack each other's hands, &c.)
I shan't play with you any more!
Egl.
You're a flirt!
Val.
(coolly)
Well! you've said so before!
Egl.
You're/I'm naughty, You are,/I am, and too forward by far!
And I/She won't play with you/me any more!
Egl.
All the men are just deceivers!
On womankind they prey!
Val.
You follow the fate of believers,
So take your chance, I say!
Egl.
You know I love you more than life,
My heart is all your own;
Val.
Soon the day will come when you're my wife!
D'ye think you'll change your tone?
(squabble)
Egl.
I shan't play with you anymore!
Val.
You won't when we've past the church-door.
Egl.
You're the dearest of men!
Val.
'Twill be serious then!
Both.
And I shan't play with you any more!
(Dance and exeunt.
Gloomy music. The head of a large Black Bear looks over path L., and retires. Orson follows, carefully coming down. While still on path, he speaks.
Orson.
Arrived at last! For many miles I've travelled,
And half the devious forest paths unravelled!
An' revelled in 'em! for I love the trees!
The good wood races such as mine should please!
Although that point is doubtful in my case;
Darwin consigns me to a lower place!
17
They call me “Orson,” but my tribe is “Simian”!
Man-monkey! Pooh! Philosophers are blind
Sometimes!—but, pray, don't think I'm-onkey-ind!
Tho' my ape-arance is against me! See!
I'm rough and active! but it seems to me
That Might is Right! so all my actions are fair!
And I but wage, at best, gorilla warfare!
For I will own I live but anyhow,
My woodland manners ending in a bough.
A hammock, too, tho' p'r'aps it seems a myth
The only bed I am ac-quainted with!
Song (original).—Tune, “Sam Hall.”
Orson.
The King holds wassail late to-night, they're stating!
I'm a child of Nature quite,
Nothing less!
A noble sort despite
Want of dress!
I say, when people stare,
“It's our first garb, you're aware!”
And I've always 'ad 'em there!
Rather, Yes!
Nothing less!
A noble sort despite
Want of dress!
I say, when people stare,
“It's our first garb, you're aware!”
And I've always 'ad 'em there!
Rather, Yes!
My want of clothes I felt
When I fust
Sat in the nude, to Belt,—
(Torso, just!)
They turned me into sport,
Then troubles came,—in short,
They modelled me in Court—
Then I bust!
When I fust
Sat in the nude, to Belt,—
(Torso, just!)
They turned me into sport,
Then troubles came,—in short,
They modelled me in Court—
Then I bust!
I'm stalwart, straight and tall
“Tiddy fol loll!”
That's not the tune at all—
It's “Sam Hall!”
Of cribbin' I've no fear,
I pick up my tunes by ear,
And my name does not appear—
Harry Wall! (confidentially)
“Tiddy fol loll!”
That's not the tune at all—
It's “Sam Hall!”
Of cribbin' I've no fear,
I pick up my tunes by ear,
And my name does not appear—
Harry Wall! (confidentially)
This silken Court is always wacillatin'!
Whilst I, the simple forest child (noise of revelry)
—a clatter
18
I'll tap and learn (pulls up tree)
—such means, see, I employ 'em!
A tap!—I shouldn't like to much annoy 'em!
(Sways tree and brings it against porch. Smash of glass, &c. Listens.)
I wonder if they heard?—these tiny taps
(seizes rock and hurls it through windows)
Don't tell: They'll hear through raps: at least perhaps!
Somebody's coming!
Enter Servant—Beaujolais.
Beau.
Hallo!—eh, you scamp!
Orson.
(furious)
Civilisation takes me for a tramp!
(seizes him and pulls him up stage)
Come here!—I'll teach you what is false or true!
I'm Orson! (hurls him into the forest)
. It don't matter who are you!
I hope I'm independent!
Enter Valentine.
Val.
Who are you
That 'gainst the King's gate beats this loud tattoo?
'Twill cost you, since this way you seek to pass,
A pretty penny, sir, for broken glass!
Orson.
Ha, ha!—me pay! He, he! this is a go!
Val.
(imitating)
“Ha, ha!—you'll have to pay what you Ho, ho!
Orson.
(angrily)
The child of Nature scorns to pay!
Val.
(coolly)
Quite so!
Perhaps you'll put your things on, then, and go!
Orson.
(amazed)
“Put on my things?” If, sir, as I suppose,
You dimly are referring to my clothes,
The child of Nature spurns 'em!—To your wassail!
Val.
(quietly to him)
Bathing is not allowed, sir, near the castle!
Orson.
Near to such silken fancies am I brought so?
(loftily)
The child of Nature doesn't bathe!
Val.
I thought so!
Orson.
No insult, puny thing! I will not brook it!
Val.
(inspecting him)
“Brook” implies water—No! you do not look it!
Orson.
Another slight! Beware of serious tussels!
I've what exist in water on me—muscles!
Muscles! look on that arch, and you will see
What a tremendous hoister I can be!
(points to where he has thrown Beaujolais)
19
That's a good shy! I think, beyond a doubt,
(coolly)
You'd make a fortune as a “chucker out.”
(noise outside)
But p'raps you'd best retire where gloom and shade is,
Your want of costume might disturb the ladies!
Orson.
Ladies! Soft things—
In silken, soft, long dresses,
With teeth like pearls—
Val.
They cost as much!
Orson.
And tresses
I've never seen 'em, though—
(Trumpets, cheers, &c.)
Val.
They've closed the dance!
You've not seen woman, friend? Well, now's your chance!
Look! From this hiding-place you'll see quite snug—
(points off)
Orson.
(fidgeting)
I wish I'd got a great coat or a rug!
I feel I want some garment, and I know it!
If it were but a bearskin—(which I show it!)
Duo—“Quite Another Thing.”
Valentine and Orson.)
Orson.
I've heard, Sir, that “the sauce for goose
Is sauce for gander too.”
Val.
Precisely!—you possess the right
To do whate'er I do.
So put that in your clumsy pipe!
Orson.
Most willingly—because
There is, in spite of your great type,
No universal sauce!
It's quite another thing, etc.
Orson.
Suppose I smash this place to bits,
And show big proofs of force?
Val.
You'll get about your heads some hits,
And be “run in,” of course?
Orson.
The “Child of Nature” must a shine
Not kick up anyhow!
Val.
No! swells are “let off with a fine,”
If they get in a row!
Quite another thing—
I'm a swell!
Orson.
And I'm a bird without a feather!
And what is law for you—for the “commoner” won't do—
That's quite another business altogether!
20
Suppose two nations want to fight,
Instruct me what they'd do!
Val.
Each land would hail it with delight,
And find the money too!
Orson.
But, if we had a “turn-up” here,
And knocked ourselves about?
Val.
Police, of course, would interfere—
You'ld get a month, no doubt!
It's quite another thing—
Val.
There must be for two nations “longer tether.‘
What with you 's “a sorry pass”—
Orson.
Is “heroic” in the mass!
Yes! it's quite another matter altogether!
Orson.
If you a charming girl should meet,
And pledge a marriage-vow,
And then should leave the sweet—“toute de suite”?—
Val.
(coolly)
Well, damages “a thou!”
Orson.
But if a lady jilts a gent,
Whose heart was fixed and true,
Does he get for the coin he's spent
A little “thou” or two?
Val.
That's quite another thing—
The lady always sails in pleasant weather;
What for man 's “a scandal quite”—is an injured woman's “right!”
It's quite another matter altogether!
Enter Haufray and Henry.
Hauf.
What's this? a friend of yours! Nice piece of goods!
The missing link! A wild man of the woods!
Henry.
Caged here at last!
Enter Hugo.
Hugo.
We heard a smash of glass,
(seeing Orson)
And—oh! I say! don't let the ladies pass!
Val.
This is the terror of the woods!
Hugo.
Quite so!
Say he's an acrobat! They'll stand him so!
Orson.
(furious, but held by Val.)
I'll take that thing there, like a bear, and hug it!
Hugo.
(in agony)
For goodness' sake, lay down a bit or drugget!
Master! these “fads” of yours will spoil your “show!”
Hauf.
The King! the Princess!
Orson.
Damn it! let me go!
21
Pep.
(annoyed)
What means this clatter? Can't outbreak be curbed?
Why, when we're set for drinking, be disturbed?
Hauf.
You'd best ask Valentine!
(Orson is hiding behind Val.)
Egl.
Of course you sneer!
If he has aught to answer for, he's here!
Val.
(nodding)
You're right, old girl!
Egl.
What are you hiding so?
Some little sweet surprise for me, I know!
Orson.
Calls me a “sweet surprise!”—if I've my eyes!
He, who is hiding me just now's her prize!
(to Val.)
Let me sneak off! Is that a woman?
Val.
Yes!
Orson.
I thought so! Don't she wear a lot of dress?
Egl.
I can't think what he's hiding—ill at ease!
Looks like “three shies a penny” thro' the trees!
Upon the object I my eye can't fix!
Orson.
She takes my limbs, as it appears, for sticks!
Hugo.
(to Val.)
It's no good, master, you must trot him out!
Pep.
We want to know, please, what it's all about!
Egl.
Oh!
(seeing Orson for a moment.)
Orson.
In the leaves, my limbs I'd now be rollin' 'em!
Egl.
A bather!—and some wretch his clothes has stolen 'em!
Val.
Not so!—the unfettered child of Nature, see!
(pulling Orson forward)
The wild man of the forest!
Orson.
Yes! that's me!
Val.
That's “I!”
(correcting)
Orson.
He's down upon me like a hammer!
I'm me! and me's myself, a fig for grammar!
Val.
Here is his likeness, quite a thing exquisite,
A photograph! What is called a carte de visite,
It goes immensely in the public mart,
It ought to go—it is an Orson carte.
Orson.
I'm Orson! yes, you all may look and stare!
I've been brought up, well brought up, by a bear!
Behold!
(bear appears at top of slope)
Egl.
You shall be hung!—oh! sign of ruin!
Look out! see there! there is some mischief brewin'!
Orson.
My mother!
(pointing to bear)
Hugo.
Pooh! we'll seize the thing, and cage her!
Orson.
She nursed a minor, and can 'urse a major!
Pep.
(aside)
A bear! my children! thoughts are flitting o'er me!
I can't abear the sight that's now before me!
22
Orson! speak out! and send dispute to flinders!
We own you've broken a rare lot of winders.
Egl.
Three pantries smashed up, and two doors you've riven!
You've killed a servant, too, but that's forgiven!
Hauf.
The precious pet and toady of the King,
May, so it seems to us, do anything!
(Bear comes down—Orson embraces him)
Val.
Bear and for bear!
Egl.
I can't think how you do it!
(to Orson)
Orson.
My wet-nurse! Yes! she will bear wet-nuss to it!
I stole down here (the notion pray forgive!)
To see how monarchs—noblemen—could live;
Egl.
And the result? You like us;—or do not?
Orson.
Like you! Can't help it! but I'll fight the lot!
Pep.
Good gracious! We should treat this scene with hauteur!
Val.
No!—free discussion! Don't go in for “Clôture!”
Is it to be a fight?
(to Orson)
Orson.
A mite like you?
Hugo.
Perhaps I'm rather thicker!—will I do?
Val.
Orson! I'll fight you!
Orson.
For your system, shocks
Await you. I shall shy whole cliffs and rocks!
(to bear)
Come, mother. We are out of place down here!
Egl.
(to Val.)
Oh! Do not run into such danger, dear!
Val.
Not I! Here! Hugo! I've on you reliance!
What we can't do by strength, we do by science!
Whisper!
(they talk aside)
Orson
(aside)
He's young, I do not want to fight him!
But only for his kindness to requite him;
Still, he's damned impudent! and I—and I—
The unfettered child of Nature, means to try!
And you— (kissing hands to Eglant.)
Egl.
Oh! you get out!
Pep.
This pleasant day,
By this disturbance seems quite “put away.”
Hugo.
Master! I'm on!
Val.
Defiance, Orson! What?
D'ye think we're made of paper, sir, or not?
Orson.
Come to the woods, and try conclusions there!
Val.
To-morrow, sir, at twelve! But bar the bear!
Egl.
I see your star of victory shine!
Val.
Orson, I'm at you!
Orson.
Same here, Valentine
23
Val.
Yes! Defiance!
Into your teeth!
Egl.
You will have, sir, to fight!
Orson.
Nature!
Val.
Science!
Pep.
Question of right, then, not might!
Egl.
Here's a chance, now!
Val.
What's the suggestion, my charmer? Speak out!
Hugo.
One advance, now,
Makes him a prisoner, quite!
Hauf.
To brutal strength he seems quite blind!
Henry.
The words I wished to whisper you!
Orson.
The child of Nature you will find
Perhaps, a match for all of you!
Ensemble.
Pep., &c.
Still, there's a row, a general excitement!
Orson.
What odds to me/us so long as there's a fight meant?
Egl.
Well! this is quite a case!
Val.
Only name the time and place!
(Repeat, as before)
Here's defiance!—into your teeth! You will have sirs/sir, to fight!
Nature! Science! Question of right, then, or might!&c.
END OF ACT I.
| Valentine And Orson | |