 | The Hollander |  |
Actus primus.
Scena prima.
Doctor and his Wife.Doctor.
How doe these new Guests like us?
Mrs.
Very well:
That fortnight they've beene here, I have observ'd
From them not the least relish of distaste;
The Lady and her sister are so good
Themselves, their innocence cannot mistrust
Ill in another, specially in us,
Who doe assume that formall gravity
Might dash prying eyes: But is the sister
Cur'd of her Ague perfectly?
Doct.
The Spring
Does not produce an Ague but for Physicke,
The Lady Yellow, otherwise I feare
We should not have her company.
Mris.
Green-Sicknesse take her,
I thought it had beene that, and then my Art
Would have beene requisite. I should have found
Some lusty youth that would have given her physicke,
More powerfull to expell that lasie humour
Than all your Cordialls: Heaven, I can but thinke
How in this seven yeares, since we came to towne,
The Tide is turnd with us: when thou wert an Inne-
Keeping Apothecary in the Country,
The furniture of our shop was Gally-pots,
Fild with Conserve of Roses, empty Boxes,
And Aqua vitæ glasses: and now thou art
My most admir'd Doctor, walk'st in Sattin,
And in plush, my heart.
Doct.
Applaud my wit that has effected it.
Mris.
You will grant I hope
An equall share to me? Was it not I
That first advis'd you to set up a Schoole
For Female vaulters, and within pretence
Of giving Physicke, give them an over-plus
To their disease. How much this has conduc'd
To our advancement, forgetfulnesse it selfe
Cannot deny.
Doct.
Nor will I, my deare associate, I have now
Atchiev'd a wealth sufficient to procure
My selfe a license, though the murmuring Doctors
That doe not bite-backe it, though they watch
All opportunities that may undoe
My estimation: we must therefore arme
Our selves with circumspective care: be sure
Those vertuous gentlewomen, who are now
Domesticke guests, have no cause to suspect
A misdemeanour here, nor that our daughter,
So timerous of society, that shee seemes
Neglectfull of mankind, be expos'd to every common eye,
Frequents our house, we must be politicke, wise, or our state,
Will soone embrace a ruine.
Enter Urinall.
Urin.
Are you the Doctor Artlesse pray sir?
Doct.
My name is Artlesse.
Vrin.
Sir, I am sent from Mr. Mixum, your Apothecary, to
give attendance on you.
Doct.
Your name is Vrinall, I take it?
Urin.
you take my name by the right end sir, my father was a
brother of master Mixum's function: marry my mother told me
a Doctor got me, for professions sake I hope you'l use me kindly.
Doct.
Doubt not good Urinall, if thou beest not crack'd, canst
thou hold water.
Mist.
Well, that is, bee secret, insooth husband, the young
man will be very good at a dead lift, to serve our patients turnes,
he has a promising countenance.
Vrin.
A good subsidy face mistris, but master Mixum has certified
me, that hither come Ladies and gentlewomen, City
wives and country wives, and the better sort of saylors wives:
Nay wives of all sorts, but Oyster wives, some to have the falling
sicknesse cur'd, others the inflammation of the blood, the
Consumption of the body and lungs; if I doe not to any man or
woman administer a glister, vomit, potion, Iulip, Cordiall, or
what physicke your worship shall thinke fit, with dexterity, say
I am no sound Vrinall, and beat me to pieces.
Doct.
I believe thee, but did Tom Mixum give you nought in
charge to say to me?
Vrin.
O yes sir, hee bad mee tell you hee had a fat Goose in the
pens, only for your pulling: a yunker of a thousand pound per annum.
Doct.
Sayst so, what is he, knowest thou?
Urin.
I saw him sir, he was a properman: but I thinke has
not much more wit then my selfe, he seemes of a good eane disposition,
and may I believe, be led by the nose as quietly as the
tamest Beare in the garden: he has not wit enough to be a knave,
of him sir, when you see him you'l understand him better.
Enter Popingale, Sir Martine Yellow as his man.
Pop.
With licences, is not this house a receiptacle
For sinners?
Doct.
Now you are in't perhaps it is, what meane you?
Pop.
Pish, seeme not to obscure, is it not in plaine termes, a
house of ease.
Doct.
There is one in the garden sir.
Pop.
Where one may do his businesse without fear of Marshall,
Constable, or any one of that most awfull tribe.
Vrin.
Surely this gentleman comes to take a purge, hee talkes
so cleanely.
Pop.
Shall I have answer sir? I come as hot from sea, as a
Hollander from herring fishing, I have an appetite,
The most insatiate citizen who frequents
Your mansion cannot tame; had she beene fed
With amber possets, eaten sparrowes egges, or her accustom'd
Bevendy, been the juice of Clare or Sparagus.
Doct.
What abuse may this be?
Perhaps your most officious pander monsieur
That for a shilling will betray his sister
To prostitution, did mistake, be gone, or I shall
Fetch a gentleman will whip your hot blood out of you.
Vrin.
Shall I runne for the Bead les mistris?
Mist.
No goe to the next Justice for a warrant, and make haste,
be sure Ile have the knave smoak'd for abusing my house.
Pop.
This must not fright me, doe you not keepe a pimping
Roaring varlet, noted as much as pig, have you not constant
She souldiers in your citadell, none such,
Had Hollands Leager, Lambeth Marsh is held
A Nunry to your Colledge.
Vrin.
And the three Squirrels in the towne, I warrant a very
Sanctuary to it.
Pop.
Come here's gold, be not so bashful, Mistris pray receive it,
I know you are open handed.
Now I defie thee for a Rascall: Vrinall why run you
not to the Justice, his man would have taken your money ere
this time.
Pop.
Yet least I should mistake you, though I am by all
Truth confident this is the house: pray resolve me;
Has the Lady Yellow a chamber here?
Vrin.
Yes sir, she lies in the yellow chamber, and has done this
two months.
Pop.
I did believe it.
Vrin.
Nay you may believe mee if you will: I know neither
Lady Yellow, nor yellow chamber, I have not beene here above
halfe an houre.
Doct.
Tom Mixum, sure sent this fellow hither, he's so unmannerly,
silence Vrinall, what if that Lady have a chamber here sir?
Sir Mart.
Now he comes to the purpose.
Pop.
Nay speake directly suppositions: include a doubtfull
sence, if she have not, I shall repent the error of my language
and crave your mercy.
Doct.
Impudence I thinke, beyond my own rests in this youth,
I must finde out his meaning; tis perchance some one
Sent from her jealous husband, whom she told me,
In discontent was travel'd, prithee wife goe in, and tell the
Lady Yellow, here is one wishes the knowledge of her.
Mrs. Art.
Hang him young whifling, he know a Lady, pity of
his life first.
Doct.
Does as I bid you: Vrinall attend your mistris in.
Vrin.
Yes, I will attend her in and in too, to do her any service.
Exeunt Vrinall, and Mistris.
Doct.
Sir, the uncivill language you have given me,
Might justly stirre a passionate man to rage;
But it no more stirs me then the light wind,
If you've relation to the Lady Yellow:
She's one whose vertues merit that respect,
Twould be a staine to manners not to use the meanest of her
Friends with due regard: pray sir what is she to you?
Pop.
As any woman else is for my money, onely I must confesse,
I have an itch, a tickling thought to her before the rest of
common prostitutes: I know she'l lodge in none but vitious
Doct.
Tis a misconceit, Ime sorry for her sake (whom I esteem
So chast, the pure untainted Doves may envy
Her unstain'd whitenesse) should be cast upon
My innocent house, expect Ile send her to you, shee'l shape you a
Just answer, would she were as they suspect her.
Ex. Doct.
Sir Mar.
This Doctor is dishonest, speakes untruth,
My jealousie is just, that any man
Should so undoe his reason; in beliefe
Of womens goodnesse, as on their loose soules,
To venture his creation; nay transforme
His essence by them: for a cuckold is
Natures huge prodigy, the very abstract
Of all, that is wonderfull: contempt and shame, are accidents as
Proper to his brow, as haire and whitenesse.
Enter Lady Yellow.
Pop.
Is this she sir?
Sir. Mar.
I nephew that's the monster.
Pop.
If Africke did produce no other monsters, there would
Be more cuckold in it then Lyons, but to my businesse,
Madam the old tradition of this house invites your
Knowledge to conceive for what I sent to speake with you.
Lady.
As yet indeed it does not.
Pop.
Truely it does, I hope I shall obtaine
The virgine glories of this daies encounter,
Come shalls kisse, and then retire into your chamber.
Lady.
My chamber, sure your manners lies in your berd, what
doe you take me for?
Pop.
An excellent creature; one whose meanest smile
Would tempt a votary earnest at his prayers,
Before the image of his tutelar Saint; to vary his
Fix'd brow: yet I must tell you, you are a factresse of the
Divells, one who sell damnation pleasingly as Asps
Infuse their itching venum: a standing poole,
On whose salt wombe the too lascivious sun
Begets of Frogs and Toads a numerous off-spring,
Compar'd with you is empty of corruption.
Ist so, have at him, a strange complement to win a Lady,
Sir by your first discourse I had imagin'd
You came to spend part of this cheerefull morne
In amorous dalliance with me, I am apt
For entertainement of it, as a bride
Long time contracted to some exquisite man
Is on her wedding night, but your quicke change,
(Did not my glasse assure me) no great blemish
Dwels in my cheekes, would urge me to mistrust
An imperfection in them: they are my owne sir,
I doe not weare (though its common among Ladies)
My face ith' day-time only, and at night
Put off the painted visor, this haire beleive it,
Was never shop-ware, you may venture on me, let but your
Creature keepe the doore, my chamber is empty for you.
Sir. Mar.
Impudent strumper.
Pop.
Can you be a woman, & utter this, the hot desire of quailes,
To yours is modest appetite, you carry
A stone about you, not to warme your blood
Oppress'd with chilly cold, but to enflame it
Beyond all sensuall heat, which you would extinguish,
(Had you a soule about you) with your teares,
Or weepe with the continuance that tall Pines
Diffuse their gummy drops in summer, and
Faster then trembling Isicles, or snow, at their own dissolution.
Lady.
This is stranger yet sir, I see you come to convert mee
Prompted with a zeale would choake ten precisians earnest in
Their hot house of convention, alasse poore youth thy want
Of practice in the sweet delights of love,
Undoes thy judgement, can there be a joy
Equall to this to have a sprightfull Lady,
Whose every lineament speakes captivity
To the beholder, claspe with the same strictnesse
That curling billows doe embrace a wracke,
Her lovers necke, kisse close, and soft, as mosse
Does some oregrowne Oake; but I see tis vaine,
To prate to thee whose ignorance may plead
Excuse for thy fond heresie; goe depart,
A petty Cannons place in some blinde chantry.
Enter Doctor and Dalinea.
Doct.
Ile cut off their discourse, if she be right ile have my
benefit out of her: Dalinea attend her Ladyship, Madam I feare
you take cold here, your Sister, Mistris Know-worth expects you
too within; Gentlewoman you cannot complaine you have been
us'd uncivilly; pray now depart, tis time.
Lady.
They may returne to the wise man my husband, from
whom I'm sure they come, and tell him my disposition, ha, ha, ha.
Exeunt Lady, and Dalinea.
Sir Mart.
Flames rise on flames successively, the spheare
Has no such fire as I doe harbour here.
Pop.
What divine creature should the other be, well master
Doctor, we shall be even with you.
Exe. Sir Mart. Pop.
Doct.
I, doe your pleasure sir, the small Riveret
Does in its cold waves, seeme to drench the sun
(When liks a riotous drunkard) his hot rayes
Suckes up the pearly waters, if this Lady
Weare in her brest, the burning spots of lust,
They shall encrease, and like the Starres, light her soule
To th'firmament of pleasure. The businesse sirrha?
Enter Vrinall and Sconce.
Vrin.
The businesse sirha, he's gotten into th'Lordly phrase
Already, Sir the gentleman I speake off?
Doct.
Is this he? would you have ought with me sir?
Scon.
Amon Deui, this is the Doctor: Foutra I would faine
speake to him, Sir I should bee happy to initiate my knowledge
in your acquaintance Master Mixum an Apothecary, at whose
shop I use to eate Eringo Roots, did recommend me to you.
Doct.
Honest Tom Mixum, you are welcome; what's your designe
with me?
Scon.
Fame does divulge you to be a man experienc'd in the
Arts.
Vrin.
Of cousenage and lying excellently.
Scon.
Which does concerne our bodily health.
And you perhaps labor of some disease,
And come to seeke for remedy, I can
As Gallen or Hipocrates, read a lecture,
On maladies, their causes and effects,
Tell by the countenance of a man, the ill oppresses him,
You by that Linea curva ith' altitude of your horoscope,
Should be subject to Calentures.
Scon.
Neen up mine seale min here: ick neet, infection vanish
I never was subject to disease, but the gentile itch which I obtaind
in the Low Countries.
Vrin.
Twas in hot service certainely.
Doct.
With licence sir, let me desire your character, I long to
know you, Symptomes of worth declare you in my opinion
noble.
Scon.
I shall explaine my selfe by land shape a far off, my father
was a Dutch man.
Vrin.
Which makes him looke so like a smoak'd westphalia
ham, or dry Dutch pudding.
Scon.
And one in the conspiracy with Barnevet, at whose
hanging he fled ore hither.
Vrin.
And the gentle noose had knit up him, and a hundred of
his country men, jour land would not be pestred so with butterboxes.
Scon.
Thinking to have purchas'd a monopoly for Tobacco:
but that the Vintners tooke in snuffe, and inform'd the gallants,
who had like to smoak'd him for't.
Doct.
And admirable project.
Scon.
Afterwards he undertooke to have drayn'd the Fens, and
there was drown'd, and at the ducking time at Crowland
drawne up in a net for a widgin.
Doct.
Pray sir what tribe was he of?
Scon.
He was no Jew Sir, yet he would take pawnes, and their
forfeits too, and has left me such as you see, I am a proper man: a
trifling patrimony, a thousand pounds perannum.
Vrin.
I admire no man begs him for a foole, and gets it from
him.
Doct.
May I request your name?
Seo.
My name is Sconce sir, Master Ieremy Sconce, I am a gentleman
of a good family, and can derive my pedigree from
Vrin.
And brought all Sects in thither.
Scon.
And tooke their surname from Kickin pot, the strongest
Sconce in the Netherlands.
Vrin.
An excellent derivation for a Dutch-man, Kickin-pot.
Scon.
I had a good strong cosen taken in by th'enemy, last
summer, Skinks Sconce Mr. Doctor, my cozen german once remov'd
by a stratagem of hay boats a fire on them.
Doct.
That should have beene before they came there Master
Sconce.
Scon.
But tis thought our nation had recover'd it ere this,
but that the villanous Dunkerkers at sea met with the Herrinbusses
and made stocke-fish of them.
Urin.
They beat them soundly then it seemes.
Doct.
Have you no brothers Mr. Sconce?
Scon.
Not any that I know of, as I am gentleman, nor was there
any of my name till of late, that gallants have begot me namesakes
in every Taverne.
Doct.
But the businesse you have with me is unrelated yet, and
I have haste, pray what may it concerne?
Scon.
A household matter Mr. Doctor; I would be loath to be
accounted troublesome, I should be none of your vulgar guests
though: Mixum has inform'd me you have faire lodgings in your
house, convenient for ease and pleasure, might I be so much engag'd
to your goodnesse, as to affoord me a hansome one for my
mony, it should be an endearement conspicuously trenching upon
my gratitude, and render me your oblig'd servant everlastingly.
Urin.
As long as his money lasts, that is
Doct.
If that be all, for Tom Mixums sake, were chambers
scarcer, you should not be denyed. Vrinall bring the gentleman
into the dining roome, Ile goe acquaint my wife with it.
Scon.
Vrinall, art thou stil'd Vrinall?
Exit Doct.
Vrin.
It is my right and title to be term'd so.
Scon.
Come hither my sweet Rascall, canst keepe councell,
there's gold for thee, thou shalt have a new case sirrha, wilt thou
be true to me?
Vrin.
I will steale nothing from you Mr. Sconce.
Thou lookst not like a man of theft, I mean in a designe.
Vrin.
Tis not to convey gold over, in hollow anchors, to pay
your Countrimen souldiers; if it be, Ile heare no more of it.
Scon.
Pish, not that neither. Mixum thou knowst him, dost
not?
Vrin.
Twas he preferd me hither.
Scon.
I did imagin't; my fine Vrinall reports thy Mr. to have
the rarest salve.
Vrin.
The weapon salve I warrant.
Scon.
Which would, if I were desperately hurt, cure mee
without a Surgeons helpe.
Vrin.
So I have heard indeed.
Scon.
Now Vrinall, it is our Countrie Custome onely to Stick
or Snee. But couldst thou but procure this pretious salve, I
would confront the glistering steele, out-face the sharpest
weapon.
Vrin.
My Master is very cautious in parting with it.
Enter Freewit.
Free.
Save you gentlemen, belong you to this house?
Vrin.
No sir, this house belongs to us.
Free.
Mistris Know-worth, the Lady Yellowes sister, she is not
stirring?
Vrin.
Tis a lye sir, she is.
Free.
Your wit is very scurvy Sir: if you serve a Creature here
to carry messages; pray deliver one to her.
Vrin.
I may chuse whether I will or no though.
Scon.
Nay, and he shall chuse sir.
Free.
Prethee good friend let him; ile doe't my selfe.
Urin.
Nay, that you shall not neither: what stand I here for?
But sir, 'tis not the fashion of this liberall age, to imploy a man
of merit in a message without consideration: your Lawyers Clark
will not acquaint his Master with a Clyents cause, untill his fist
be soundly greas'd: Why may not I then use the priviledge of
my office? Sir, wee Doctors men take aurum palpabile for Restorative:
you are not unfurnished sir.
Free.
O thou wouldst have money; there's for thee, prethee
Intreat her presence.
Vrin.
Instantly, instantly, noble sir. Mr. Sconce pray bear this
Exit Vrinall.
Free.
Why should she lodge here? all similitude
Explaines this house for vicious, and this Doctor
For an impostor: Though she have'bin sicke,
She might have found to remedy her disease,
Another, and more fam'd Physitian
Than this: She stayes perhaps to beare
Her sister company. Whatsoere's the cause,
Who dare deprave her innocence, or cast
A thought of blemish on her vertues? Light
Diffus'd through aire (although some thicke-brow'd fogge,
Or sickly vapour doe invade ayres sweetnesse)
Suffers no loath'd corruption. Thornes may gore
With envious pricking, the discoloured leaves
Of the chaste wood-binde, but can never blast
Their unstain'd freshnesse.
Scon.
Now in the name of madnesse what ailes this man? Sir
are you jealous of your wife before you have her?
Free.
What if I be sir.
Scon.
She may chance Cuckold you after you have her for it.
Free.
Good Coxecombe hold thy pratling.
Scon.
Coxcombe? how Coxcombe to a naturallis'd Dutchman?
Death sir, shall I blow you downe with my Can; or
shew you Twibill.
Free.
How Sir?
Scon.
Nay, bee not angry man, I meant no harme, tis but a
complementall salutation, I purchas'd of the Mr. of the Order
oth' valiant Knights of the Twibill.
Free.
A new Order of Knight-hood, that may I know the institution.
Enter Mistris Know-worth, Martha, as Mr. Lovering leads her.
Know.
Servant welcome: Lovering intreat
That gentleman to withdraw with Mr. Doctors man.
Love.
Sir, my Mistris begs your absence.
Scon.
Beggars are no chusers my friend: she shall
Undergoe no contradiction: but Madam, tis the fashion Vrin.
Kisses her.
Vrin.
You had best kisse her double Mr. Sconce.
Scon.
Lady, serviture vostre & a vous assi Monsieur tresnoble.
Vrin.
He lookes like a squirrill indeed: this way sir.
Exeunt Lovring, Sconce, Urinall.
Free.
I hope you grow to perfect health,
The Native beauty that once fild your cheeks,
Like to the budding Rose puts forth agen,
After cold winters violence: and your lips
On whose soft touch, had it bin possible,
Death would have dy'd himselfe, begin to shew
Like untouch'd Cherries, pale with Morning dew,
Which once shak't off, the purple fruit aspires
With amorous blushes to intice the small
Linnet and wanton Sparrow from their Layes,
To doate on its pure tincture, till they eate
What they admir'd.
Know.
—O you are pleasant servant; did you know
How neare I am to death, and for your sake,
Your humour soone would alter.
Free.
Truely, faire one,
It is a sweetnesse in you, I could wish
Were temper'd with lesse passion: (Your much care
Of my unworthy selfe;) tis but a fortnight,
Since last my eyes enricht their needy sight,
By the reflection of these starres, and had
The least ill feas'd me, you had bin the first
Whose eares would have receiv'd it; harmes are aptest
To be reported where they are least welcome.
Know.
They are indeed, and one of yours is come
To kill my knowledge; such a one, as had
You worne a common heart, no strong disease
Could have dispatched sooner.
Free.
—I feele
No inclination in my faculties
Tending to sicknesse: I have never yet
By nightly surfets forc'd my youthfull blood
To a distemper.
Would your youthfull blood
Has ne're forc'd you one. Perfidious man,
Had I atchiev'd the patience of a Saint
(Seclude my love to thee) I should in rage
Title thee worthlesse: nay, a name above
That hatefull appellation: did you never
Injure a Creature of your mothers one Martha?
Free.
Ha: how meane you Lady?
Know.
In the blacke act of Sinne, when you design'd
Her honour, as a carcasse to the Grave,
Where ever since your deed of ill was acted,
'T has slept lost and forgotten.
Free.
By just truth.
Know.
Invoke your falsehood, if you dare erect
On the blacke number of your heedlesse oathes
A monument to perjury. White truth,
Flies from the ranckorous poyson of your breath,
As from a stifling dampe. Can you deny
Without a blush what I have urg'd?
Free.
My resolution staggers a tall Oake,
Whose weighty top has discompos'd his roots)
When whirlewinds doe assault it, sits unmov'd,
Ballanc'd with me, to recollect the strength
Of impudence, and deeply contradict
Her mightiest affirmation, were to wage
A feeble warre with truth. Say I did Mistris;
Twas ere a thought reciprocall enjoynd me
A serious duty to you and your mercy,
In which you doe approach as neare heavens goodnesse,
As heaven does blest eternity, wil pardon that witlesse error in me.
Know.
Truth I shall not: the harmlesse Mirtle first shall live in frosts,
And the pale Couslips flourish, ere warme showres
With quickning moysture raises them to tell
The early Violets they are not alone
The Springs prime Virgins: my peculiar wrong
I freely pardon: but if you respect
Your conscience, seeke that injur'd woman, and
Restore by sacred marriage the sad losse
Will smile at thy integrity; my teares
Shall strive to wash your crime away.
Ex. Mrs. Know.
Free.
She weeps: so choice flowers, when extracting fire,
Inforces their soft leaves to a mild warmnesse,
Doe through the Lymbecke temperately distill
Their odoriferous teares. But tis most just
To lose a chaste love, when distain'd with lust.
Exit.
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