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Typhon

or, The Gyants War with The Gods. A Mock-poem. In Five Canto's [by John Phillips]

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 III. 
CANTO III.
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CANTO III.

The Argument.

The Gyants give the first Alarm
With ill success: again they arm,
Renew a second time the fight
With like success, are put to flight.
Back they return, and gain the odds;
They rout, and they pursue the Gods,
Who cunningly do vary shape
In Wood, the better to escape.
The news of Gyants war is hot:
Some say they'l fight, & some say not:
But Gods and Gyants do intend
By War to seek each others end.

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The Gyants think it better far,
Then be as meerly Gyants are:
For if of Jove they gain the odds
By conquest, they shall all be Gods.
Jove likewise summons Exhalations,
With other warlike preparations:
With these (as in a trice) he tries
To plant defences for the skies.
The Gyants being told by Scout,
(For such went hourly in and out)
They silently without bravado,
Consult to stop the Barricado.
For things of such a nature sprung,
Want action rather then a tongue.

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So having labour'd all that night,
Without or noise, or use of light,
Encelades the Gyant bold
At first attempt almost got hold
Of window small, & thought with chains
To make a bridge should answer pains,
By which according to his will,
With ease he'd tumble hill on hill.
Now by great chance, as Jove would ha't,
He having got a worm in pate,
While other of the Gods were sleeping,
Had near-hand dearly paid for peeping:
For standing high upon a Cricket,
With hand he open'd heaven-Wicket;

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Encelades began to run:
Ods waouns, quoth Jove, we're all undone.
Both were amaz'd; but Gyant pist
A mighty river ere he list
Look back: then seeing Jove to nod;
Let Jove be ne'er so much a God,
Quoth he, I'll to him, and relate,
As Prophet, his prodigious fate.
But Jove was not so much a fool,
To stay when Gyant put up tool:
For you may think, 'twould stir his bloud
To see the Gyant piss a floud,
And then return with courage new.
Jove knowing better what to do,

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Wisely clapt to the Wicket, and
Cry'd to the Gyant, Prethee stand,
And cool thy heels. With this his voice
Juno awoke, and hearing noise,
Came running: she for haste had spread
An old blue Apron on her head;
And on her breech, in stead of coat,
A thredbare Cloak not worth a groat:
'Twas Ganimed's; but I shall spare
To shew its cause of being there.
Juno through cranny did espy
Encelades was standing by;
And judging fit, (as she had reason)
Extended mouth to utter Treason;

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And she was not of chops so small,
But that she could full loudly baul.
Two of the Gods with sword in hand
Rusht headlong in: the one cry'd, Stand.
Jove mean while keeps a heavie pother:
Some Powder here, the rogues to smother;
My Thunder-bolt, my Match, my Flask:
Now come, you dogs, I'll set a task,
Quoth he; and instantly doth catch
Up Powder, Thunder-bolt, and Match:
No noise, quoth he, of Pipe and Drum;
Finger on nose, and crying Mum:
He fits his tackling; then quoth he,
What Jove can do, you straight shall see:

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With that, unto the window goes,
Opes it, and stands upon his toes,
Thunder in hand, and strutting now,
As in the gutter does the Crow.
But Fate had almost done its worst:
For whenas Jupiter did burst
The Wicket open second time,
Encelades did upward climb;
For he had piled stones below,
Whereon he stood: and it was now,
As soon as Jove had gotten thither,
Encelades with quill or feather
So brusht the God upon the eye,
That he cry'd out, I die, I die:

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For you may note, the quill was big,
Or Jove would not have car'd a fig:
Besides, with stroak, upon the ground
Was cast, and thereby fear'd a wound:
But as it hapt, the greatest hurt
Was onely that he fell in durt.
Jove was no sooner on his back,
But all the rest amazed pack:
'Twas wisdom to secure their lives,
(And they must go, the devil drives.)
Jove seeing all were fled away,
Got up, and ran as fast as they:
And well he scap'd; for what says Pluck?
The greater Knave, the better luck.

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The Wicket was (it seems) so small,
That Gyant had no room to crawl:
Which Jove perceived (being gone)
As far as we may cast a stone:
And if from thence he had not seen
Encelades to stick between,
As Ram that is trappan'd in thicket,
Jove never had return'd to Wicket:
For at that time, one silly elf
Might beat a God or two himself,
Their fear amaz'd them so. But when
Great Jove returned back agen,
Encelades the Gyant saw
'Twas time and wisdom to withdraw;

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And so he did, with much ado:
But Lord, the rubbish that they threw
On's head, when he was gotten down!
And after they had Piss-pots thrown,
Went heaps of stones to further slaughter,
And Kettles too of scalding water.
This made the Gyant quit his place
To Mimas, one of Loobie-race,
Who loving mischief with his heart,
Most ready was to take his part:
And th'other Gods on noise of summon,
Forsaking beds, in clusters come on;
Some so possest with Leaden sleep
And terrour, that they seem'd to peep

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Through the thin curtains of their eyes.
Immediately the Gods advise:
The number now grown great, 'twas hard
You'll say, if Jove should want a guard;
Nor did he: for when Gyant rascal
Came, quoth Jove, My friends, I ask all,
Will ye agree to fight? for why?
You have your choice, or fight, or die:
My resolution is to force on,
Beyond the angry strength of Orson:
But they as Gods made this resolve,
Whatever dangers do involve,
We'll follow thee; nor will we spare
In thy behalf to do and dare.

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With that, Jove taking heart-a-grace,
Pluckt Thunderbolt from out of case,
And having prim'd and cockt the same,
Now then, quoth he, begins the game.
By this time Mimas (almost enter'd)
Surprized Jove, who forthwith ventur'd,
Discharging of his Thunder-gun,
(The biggest ever seen by Sun.)
No sooner had the Powder took,
But instantly a mighty nook
From Gyant Mimas monstrous snout
Flew off; which grieved him, no doubt.
But hold, methinks I hear it sed,
Could Gyant Mimas get in head

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And body too, when as the other
Could not, with all his art and pother?
For information, you may conster
Encelades the greater Monster:
I have consulted those that know,
And have maintain'd it with a Vow,
Mimas was much the lesser man,
By furlongs three, and half a span.
When Mimas did perceive his treat,
He fear'd his dangers might be great:
As Proverb faith, his judgement saw,
Necessity has little Law.
Out did he get more fast then in:
'Tis true, he left behinde his chin;

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What then? 'tis better when in strife,
To lose a chin, then forfeit life.
'Twas now, when Gods perceived this,
That they unanimously hiss;
Call'd Gyant coward, frown'd, and strut,
As Cocks o'th' game within a Hut:
Their uproar was so hugely lowd,
That other Deities do crowd;
From divers parts they're seen to run,
This with a Pitchfork, that with Gun,
Another with a Spit, a fourth
Perhaps with weapon lesser worth:
For when they heard the noise command,
Each seiz'd on what came next to hand.

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The jolly troop in this disguise
Marcht on, commanded by the wise
And skilful Pallas: never troop
More like to make the Gyants stoop.
Jove having spied this recruit,
Quoth he, Let's follow in pursuit;
And crying, All's our own, my boys;
Lay down (continu'd he) these toys,
Take each of you a well-made sword,
'Twill serve the turn, I'll pass my word.
With that, Jove on his Eagle strides;
Swift as the Bird could move, he rides
After the Rebels, at which time
Each God does to the window climb,

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Ambitious in their heat of love,
Which should be neerest unto Jove.
Thus they press on, the Gyants run;
The Gods would fight, the Gyants shun;
The Gods pursue, the Gyants flie;
The Gods prevail, the Gyants die.
But as some wiser are then some,
Jove order gave, that sound of Drum
Should rally forces; thinking fit,
That being weary'd, they should sit
And breathe a while. At which God Mars
Incensed, cry'd, If us'd to Wars,
Or knew of Victory the gain,
You'd surely blush when you complain:

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Not to pursue them and their fate,
May make our selves unfortunate:
Let's on; for having won the field,
Not to persist, is half to yield:
And how can we our prize maintain,
Unless we do augment our gain?
Ods nigs, see how the raskals sneak.
Silence, quoth Jove, that I may speak:
You see them there; I'll lay my life,
Ere it be night I'll end the strife
My self: however, follow me;
Keep close, and you'll the better see:
Although the Sun is scorching hot,
And I both Powder want and Shot,

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I will so cool the rebels courage,
You shall have room enough to forrage:
They boast they'll rob us of our lives,
Plunder our wealth, enjoy our wives;
Now may they come, if they think good:
I feel a fire within my bloud,
Which must be quencht. The Gyants now
Rally afresh in Battel-row:
Encelades appear'd i'th' front:
Quoth angry Mars, Now fie upon't,
Delays are dangerous; I'll go,
And fight, before they rally so.
Great Mars he had no sooner done,
But spy'd Encelades to run,

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As if he did intend to say,
I am in haste to win the day.
Mars does prepare to entertain
This Gyant and his Bumkin-train:
They meet; but that is not so strange,
As were the blows that they exchange:
They hack and hew behinde, before,
Till both were little else but gore.
Encelades the Monster bold
Was almost spent, when Mars cry'd, Hold:
So both contended for the field,
And either willing was to yield:
At last quoth Mars, If you or I
Should now in this encounter die,

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'Twere ill: whose valour does persever,
Deservedly should live for ever.
With that, both being weary grown,
They stop, and cast their weapons down;
Salute each other, and retire,
Not to engage, but to admire:
For there were others that could fight,
Gods and Gyants too of might;
Blows freely fell on either side;
Here lay a broken scull, a hide
Lies there, in third place leg or arm:
Deities were no more a Charm
'Gainst Gyants, then the others oddes
In stature was against the Gods.

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But Oh the dreadful noise was made
With Thunder, Powder, Flask and Blade!
Pan from the Sea had borrow'd shell,
Whose sound was loud as that of bell
When struck upon. Nor was Jove heard
To thunder when he syng'd the beard
Of Gyant Mimas, who was struck
Not long before, and cursing luck,
As he upon the ground did lie,
It fortun'd that he cast his eye
(As it took liberty to wander)
On Pallas, son to great Evander.
This Pallas did so far engage
Among the Gods, that they in rage

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Surrounded him; but Mimas rose,
And with such courage dealt his blows,
That he at once brought Pallas off,
And on the Gods revenged scoff
Which Jove did to him, when by thunder
He parted chin and chaps asunder:
At which disaster, boyling hot
His bloud was waxt, and he had got
In's hand an implement of War,
By some ycleped Iron Bar;
With this, God Mercury he strook,
That down he fell; and then he took
The rising blow with such a force,
Grim death it self was little worse.

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Just now the Goddess Pallas came;
(For there were two that bore the name)
She with the weapon that is common
With Goddess as it is with Woman,
Exclaim'd on Gyant: he to reach
The full proportion of her breech,
Erected lofty foot so high,
That down he fell: there let him lie.
For Bacchus some had called bastard,
Enflam'd beyond the rage of dastard,
In did he rush, and made such pother,
That Gyants fell on one another.
Some that were present did divine
His valour did proceed from Wine:

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Howe'er it was, he did excel
All but those few that did as well.
Silenus drunk as David's Sow,
Spurring his ass on, cry'd, Now, now;
Ride over Mimas there in blood:
But that did him more harm then good;
For Mimas who was laid to rest,
Rose up, and seiz'd upon the beast:
Then to Silenus said, I gather
You should be that same Bacchus's father:
With that, he smote him on the head,
That down he fell ('twas thought) for dead.
But wonders now I mean to tell;
For thus to Gyants it befel:

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Whilst all the Warriors were in fight,
Each studious to declare his might,
The silly Ass began to bray,
And Gyants fairly ran away:
For they not us'd unto the sound,
First swore, then swiftly quit the ground:
The Gods pursue with might and main,
But all their haste and speed was vain;
For what with fighting, and the toyl
Of thus pursuing after spoil,
Weary'd, they do conclude it fit
On grass or somwhat else to fit.
No sooner were they seated than
A Foot-man came, and thus began:

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By'r leave; I from old Saturn come,
To tell you he has learn'd in Rome
Some while since of a Cunning man
Gyants shall still survive; nor can
The Gods prevent it, (this you'll finde,
Or else say he's a Prophet blinde)
Until by search somewhere on earth,
You finde a Knight of humane birth,
Got on a mortal, by the seed
Of one that's of immortal breed.
Besides, he bade me tell you more,
One Proteus said as much before;
And this same fellow knew his art
So well, he'd instantly impart

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A secret, whether wise or silly,
Soon, or as learnedly as Lilly.
As for Example, thus it was;
Base thief one morning stole from Lass
A Bodkin and a Silver-Spoon:
The man was took, and hang'd by noon;
But all was by his art: for he
Discover'd where the thief could be.
Dixi, quoth Footman: Jove with that
Commanded he should don his hat,
And rest himself, whilst he doth muse,
Reflexions making on the news:
They Bacchus and Minerva call,
Old Neptune, Mercury, and all

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The Gods that then were nigh at hand:
Quoth Jove, You are to understand—
Then he began the tale again;
And leaning o'er the Asses Main,
Quoth he, Let's think what must be done.
Pallas reply'd, You have a son
Nam'd Hercules; 'tis fit you dub
Him Knight of the Majestick Club;
And in requital, he alone
Will slay the Rascals. Ev'ry one,
By voice, or holding up of paws,
Gave Pallas her deserv'd applause:
Some cry, Defer no longer, send;
Others, Our time too fast does spend;

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And we may finde, perhaps too late,
The danger to procrastinate:
Send Mercury. But Jove forbad;
He'd rather send the Irish Lad
That brought the news but now. With that
The nimble Tory dofft his hat,
Which shew'd his readiness, to Jove,
Who promis'd to requite his love.
The Lad rejoycing be was sent,
Drank onely Usquebah, and went.
No sooner was the Footman gone,
(The Gods carousing) but anon
In haste returns a careful Spie,
Cries, Arms, the Gyants drawing nigh:

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The routed ones that ran so fast
Before, met Typhon: he at last
Perswaded them to face about,
With promise of a total rout
To all your Godships. Then quoth Jove,
You talk of routing, pray for Love-
Sake, tell me what 'twas made them run.
Silenus's ass (Sir) sure as Gun,
(Quoth Bacchus) with his noise did fright
Philistins fierce from heat of fight.
Jove then reply'd, He merits much;
Would we had many asses such:
I'd give a pound for mine own part.
If all of you did know the art;

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Or if but one that might excel,
Could play the Ass but half so well.
Jove call'd Silenus then, cry'd, Hark,
Came he from Smithfield, or Hyde-park?
Silenus answer did extend,
'Twas sent as Token from a friend:
But if (great Jove) it be your will,
My Ass shall be your servant still.
Jove forc'd a smile at that: for yet
When laughing, he could not forget
Dangers that were so neer him; though
He thus discours'd, he thought of foe.
Then mad that's Gun did not suffize
The Gyants pride to civilize,

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In dumps he sate, as if he'd got
A smack too much of Cup or Pot.
O' th' sudden now a fearful noise
Approacht: 'twas Typhon and his boys:
Which when the Gods perceive, they call,
Heavens have mercy on us all:
And well they might; for had you seen
The rabble with their swords so keen;
Big Gyant with his hundred heads,
And those how monstrously he spreads;
You surely would with me conclude,
Such foes were dreadful, fierce and rude.
By this time both the Armies meet,
And Typhon thus began to greet

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The Gods: Where's he that does command
This Host? we'd have him understand,
We hold our selves agriev'd, and now
Bound to our selves by solemn Vow,
Resolve, before we part, to have
Or satisfaction, or a grave.
In's hand he held a stately Oak.
Jove, that he might prevent a stroak,
Well thinking 'twas no time to think,
Fills his great Thunder to the brink,
Then throws it at the Gyants head;
However, Typhon is not dead,
But eying Jove with scorn and smile,
Coughing and sneezing for a while,

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(Because some Powder, I suppose,
Had flown upon his face and nose.)
Thunder when from an angry cloud
In its extreams, was not so loud
As Gyants Oaths: he stampt and swore,
As if the Gods were to be tore
With words: then lifting mighty tree,
'Tis thus, base Jove, I'll answer thee,
Quoth Typhon; and with that he flew
As Furies may be thought to do.
God Mars, who boldly rusht on foes,
Receiv'd a fillip on the nose;
'Twas given by an angry Gyant,
(For why should I tell you a ly on't?)

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And tumbled backwards on the ground
The God of Hectors in a swound.
This daunted all the other Gods:
The Victors do pursue their oddes.
Mars does revive and run: great Jove
On Eagles back began to move:
Minerva from the skirmish steals,
So light was she about the heels.
In one word, all the Gods did run,
As if the Devil upon Dun
Was at their posterns. But O curse,
Then evil luck what can be worse?
Whilst Jove with expedition flies,
The Bird slips from between his thighs:

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Down drops great Jove upon the ground;
But as it hapt, scap't hurt or wound.
Typhon, whose sole delight was plunder,
(Commanding Gyants to a wonder)
Fell on the Booty and the Wine:
These Prizes now (quoth he) are mine.
Then resting after Chase and Slaughter,
Drank Wine in full bowls fine water:
Then with a stately step and stride,
Continues quest of Jove and Bride,
With all the rest o'ch' wandring Gods,
Frighted as children are at rods;
They shelter seek in pathless Wood:
(That shift at need was hugely good)

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For being there in place obscure,
A Metamorphosis in ure
They put; and (if it be no flam)
Jove chang'd himself into a Ram;
Dame Juno lookt like any Cow,
And deigned to the grass to bow;
Neptune assum'd the shape of Hound;
Momus a Jack-a-napes was found;
Apollo wisely acts the Rook;
Bacchus a he-Goat; Vulcan crook-
Ed back and hips, a silly Calf;
Pan was a Rat more big by half
Then little Dog; and Venus Dame,
A lovely milk-white Goat became:

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The warlike Mars chose for his share,
To be transform'd into a Hare:
His Valour sped so ill, 'twas meet
To learn the swiftness of the Feet:
Luna would not the Cat disdain,
Nor Mercury the form of Crane.
Thus Nature, that the Gods might scape,
Contended was to play the Ape.
Mean while the Gyants chase and scout,
As Victors do when after Rout
They seek for prey: but Gyants finde,
Their sorrow is not far behinde;
For meeting with the Gods, they prove,
No foe more dreadful is then Jove.

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So true is that which Stories tell;
Those that live ill, shall not die well.