University of Virginia Library

LETTER LXX.

The pill I give the Cabinet, and the rest of the Government
here on the 27th of last month, is jist beginnin
to operate, and I dont think some on 'em will want
any more fisik for a good spell to come. Some of our
folks make plagy ugly faces at me, but I told 'em that's
a sure sign they want fisik, and they'd feel better to
rights. It was well I stop'd jist where I did in that
Cabinet paper, for my dander was jist liftin; and if I
had gone on ten minits longer, I'd hit some on 'em
so hard they would'nt swell.

But that aint what I want to write you about now.
I want to thank them folks up in Carthage, in York
State for the ax they made for me, and which they sent
to you to send to me. I have jist got it, and it
has tickled me eny most to death. I never got such
a present afore in my born days. I started right up
chamber with it to the Gineral, and bolted strait into
the Cabinet room with my ax on my shoulder—the Gineral
was there with pretty much all our folks overhauling
the Post Office accounts, and tryin to git them
straite, which is a plagy tuf job; but no matter: in I
smash'd but afore I could git out one word, I never see
such a scamperin. I turned to head some on 'em, jist
to tell em what I was arter, but it seemed the more I
tried, the more they tried to streak it, and in less than
one minit there warnt a livin criter left but I and the
Gineral; and the Gineral some how got a notion in his

head, and would a gone too, if there warnt no pluck in
him. He was standin up with his back agin the mantil
tree, and his hickory in his hand, and look'd for all
the world as tho' he was jist expecting a fight.

Why, says I. Gineral, what on earth is all this scampering
for? Well, says he, I reckon you can tell better
than I can; and with that, he blink'd at me most
plagily; and says he, what is the news now? Why,
says I, there aint nothin new but this ere ax, and
I brought it to show you; its a present to me, says I
from Starks & Co., away up in York State, on the
Black River. The Gineral changed face in a minit,
and it was jist like the sun risin. He step'd up to me
and took the ax, and walk'd to his chair, and sat down,
and throw'd his head back, and ha haw'd right out. It
does me good, in these times to see the Gineral tickled
at any thing. As soon as the Gineral could say any
thing,—says he Major call back Tany and Barry and
Amos, and haw, haw, haw, says the Gineral; and jist
then, I got the notion why they all scampered off so;
and sot down right in front of the Gineral, and we haw
hawd'd I tell you, for more than half an hour.

And so to rights, we got talkin agin, and the Gineral
he wiped his eye, and blew his nose jist for all the
world as tho' he had been cryin; and says he, Major,
it aint strange they was a leetle afeard of you, for do
you know jist as you come in, some on 'em was sayin
about the plagy Post Office accounts. If they did'nt
git em strait pretty soon, you would git at 'em and
chop em all up into mince meat; and jist then sure enuf
in you come, and then haw, haw, haw, says the Gineral
agin. Well, says he, Major, I'm glad that people
about are beginnin to look at you pretty much as I do.
I knew, says he, the time would come when they would
say I knew what was what when I got you to be with
me; and says he Major, let's look at this ax, and the
Gineral he rubb'd his specs; well says he, this is a
splitter aint it; why, says he, if a man only got lathered
he could shave himself without a barber, for

for this ax is as bright as a looking glass and sharp as
a razor; and here is the maker's name too: “Starks
& Co.' Carthage, New York” I do wonder now, says
the Gineral, if that aint the same “Stark” who lick'd
the British at Benington a spell ago?” “I aint certin,”
says I. “Well, nor I nother,” says the Gineral,
for do you know Major I have been in so many
wars myself, that I some times mix em up, and I have
now got so much to attend to here, that I am bother'd
about names and places and times, most plagily. Now
there is our little district attorney, our folks telled me
when I appointed him a Bank Director that he was jist
the kind of man we wanted “to ride Biddle” and upset
him; and when they tell'd of “ridin” “upsettin,
and mentioned his name, I got a notion in my head that
I can't get out yet, that he may be the same man I've
heard tell on, who took a ride once, and then wrote a
long account on't in poetry. Well, says I, I'm not
certain of that nother; but I've got a notion that the man
you mean was John Gilpin. “That's the same man,
aint it,” says the Gineral. No, says I, I guess it aint,
for he lived in London. “O, that makes no odds,”
says he Gineral; “for they used to call Philadelphia
the London of America.” Well says I, then it must
be the same, and if he's got on the squire to ride him,
I guess it will turn out pretty much such another ride;
for, says I, the squire is a pretty good horse for a tight
pull; but I don't think he'd stand easy under a saddle;
it aint the natur of that breed.

Well Major, says the Gineral, we must thank those
folks for the ax any how, and as soon as the Senate pass,
upon that message we sent em t'other day about other
presents, you can have the ax. Very well, says I, Gineral,
and if Congress dont pass upon something else,
says I, so as to git things as leetle better in the money
way, I'll want the ax, for we shall all come to choppin
agin for a livin.

I want you to send a printed copy of that letter to the
makers of that ax, and when you git all my letters to

you printed in a book send em one of the books with
my thank, for the ax.