LETTER LXXII.
TO MR. CHARLES DEIGHTON.
Hartford.
Confusion, horror and despair
are the portion of your wretched, unhappy
friend! Oh, Deighton, I am undone! Misery
irremediable is my future lot! She is gone;
yes, she is gone for ever! The darling of my
soul, the centre of all my wishes and enjoyments
is no more! Cruel fate has snatched her
from me; and she is irretrievably lost! I rave,
and then reflect: I reflect, and then rave! I
have not patience to bear this calamity, nor
power to remedy it! Where shall I fly from
the upbraidings of my mind, which accuses me
as the murderer of my Eliza? I would fly to
death, and seek a refuge in the grave; but
the forebodings of a retribution to come, I
cannot away with! Oh, that I had seen her;
that I had once more asked her forgiveness!
But even that privilege, that consolation
was denied me! The day on which I meant
to visit her, most of my property was attached,
and to secure the rest, I was obliged to shut
my doors, and become a prisoner in my own
house! High living, and old debts, incurred
by extravagance, had reduced the fortune of
my wife to very little, and I could not satisfy
the clamorous demands of my creditors.
I would have given millions, had I possessed
them, to have been at liberty to see, and to
have had power to preserve Eliza from death!
But in vain was my anxiety; it could not relieve;
it could not liberate me! When I first
heard the dreadful tidings of her exit, I believe
I acted like a madman! Indeed, I am little
else now!
I have compounded with my creditors, and
resigned the whole of my property.
Thus, that splendor and equipage, to secure
which, I have sacrificed a virtuous woman, is
taken from me; that poverty, the dread of
which prevented my forming an honorable
connection with an amiable and accomplished
girl, the only one I ever loved, has fallen,
with redoubled vengeance, upon my guilty
head; and I must become a vagabond in the
earth!
I shall fly my country as soon as possible;
I shall go from every object which reminds
me of my departed Eliza! But never, never
shall I eradicate from my bosom the idea of
her excellence; or the painful remembrance
of the injuries I have done her! Her shade
will perpetually haunt me! The image of
her, as she appeared when mounting the carriage
which conveyed her for ever from my
sight, she waved her hand in token of a last
adieu, will always be present to my imagination!
The solemn counsel she gave me before
we parted, never more to meet, will not
cease to resound in my ears!
While my being is prolonged, I must feel
the disgraceful, and torturing effects of my
guilt in seducing her! How madly have I deprived
her of happiness, of reputation, of life!
Her friends, could they know the pangs of
contrition, and the horror of conscience which
attend me, would be amply revenged!
It is said, she quitted the world with composure
and peace. Well she might! She had
not that insupportable weight of iniquity,
which sinks me to despair! She found consolation
in that religion, which I have ridiculed
as priestcraft and hypocrisy! But
whether it be true, or false, would to heaven
I could now enjoy the comforts, which its votaries
evidently feel!
My wife has left me. As we lived together
without love, we parted without regret.
Now, Charles, I am to bid you a long, perhaps,
a last farewell. Where I shall roam
in future, I neither know nor care; I shall
go where the name of Sanford is unknown;
and his person and sorrows unnoticed.
In this happy clime I have nothing to induce
my stay. I have not money to support
me with my profligate companions; nor have
I any relish, at present, for their society. By
the virtuous part of the community, I am
shunned as the pest and bane of social enjoyment.
In short I am debarred from every kind of happiness.
If I look back, I recoil with horror from
the black catalogue of vices, which have stained
my past life, and reduced me to indigence and
contempt. If I look forward, I shudder at the
prospects which my foreboding mind presents
to view, both in this and a coming world!
This is a deplorable, yet just picture of myself!
How totally the reverse of what I once
appeared!
Let it warn you, my friend, to shun the
dangerous paths which I have trodden, that
you may never be involved in the hopeless ignominy
and wretchedness of
