The Diaboliad a poem. Dedicated to the worst man in His Majesty's dominions. Also, the Diabo-Lady: or, a match in hell [by William Combe] |
THE DIABO-LADY:
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The Diaboliad | ||
THE DIABO-LADY:
OR, A MATCH IN HELL. DEDICATED TO THE WORST WOMAN IN HER MAJESTY'S DOMINIONS.
ADVERTISEMENT. BY THE EDITORS.
When the following Poem was put into our hands, we thought it necessary to write Notes on some of the passages, in order to render the Text more clear and intelligible; for though the Author, in his Preface, takes the liberty of comparing himself to Juvenal, we are of opinion that he more resembles Persius; whose writings are both more severe, and obscure. But in some places, indeed, he has spoken rather too plain; which has induced us to leave out several of his lines, as may be seen by the asterisks, in some of the following pages.
Of all God's works, creature in whom excelled
Whatever can to sight or thought be formed,
Holy, divine, good, amiable, or sweet!
How art thou lost!
Milton.
Quamvis Elysios miretur Græcia campos,
Nec repetita sequi curet Proserpina matrem.
Virg. Georg. I.
--- now seated on the Infernal Throne,
Thought it not good the Devil should be alone;
Fit Consort, could be found, to match his life.
“Observe his precepts in my own abode;
“Restrain my acts within the Christian scope,
“And whore in celibacy, like the Pope?
“What tho' I'm head of that Hierarchal Scheme,
“Which deems it sin in Priest to quench their flame
“In Marriage rites; yet Modern Records tell,
“Tho' made in Heaven, they are confirm'd in Hell.
“Since such the present state of Wedlock, I,
“As Priest and Devil, will the adventure try.
“Besides the Pagan system is my Creed,
“And in that antient ritual all may read,
“A mortal female to his throne and bed.”
The Poet may possibly be reprehended here, by some Critics or Divines, for the confusion of theology that may be objected to this passage. But as the good old proverb says, that Example is better than precept, we shall refer his defence, first, to Ariosto, or Tasso, I forget which, for I am but a poor scholar in the bastard Latin Authors, where the Heathen mythology and the Christian system are mixed together in the same scene; and, next, to Rubens, who in his Luxemburgh Gallery has made Hymen and St. Denis (I think it is) jointly preside at the marriage of Henry IV.
And chuse a Paramour for Satan's love
The ready Ministers of Hell's commands
Obedient fly, and take their several stands
At Court, Cornely's, and the Coterie;
Where Vice, more vicious by effrontery,
Fearless, unblushing, braves the eternal laws
Of God and Man, to aid the Devil's cause.
So hopeful a Seraglio, that 'twould pose
The Devil himself to judge the equal claims
To Hell's Sultanaship, between such Dames;
Who eager all to obtain Infernal sway,
In order thus prefer their several plea.
First appeared, and to conviction swore,
Her smallest crime was that of being Whore;
Adultery she added to her plan,
Defying equally both God and Man;
In forgery and perjury owned such art,
She palmed the Gold, while others paid the smart:
And lest her just pretences should be vain,
The Adelphi P--- vouch the tragic scene.
Sir T--- F--- too might have sufficiently supported the same evidence; but, by his not being mentioned in this cause, 'tis to be supposed that his avocations in 'Change-Alley had prevented his appearance yet in Court.
But inward griev'd such merits there should fail;
“The Vice defeats itself,” replied the Devil,
“That makes examples to deter from evil.”
Next --- forward came, as frail as fair,
And urged her suit with confidential air:
“Tho' nobly born,” she cried, “and high in life,
“A spotless Maiden, and an honoured Wife,
“Yet scorning these, I spurned such humble fame,
“And boldly sacrificed a Matron's name:
“My first amour was with a Youth of Blood;
“But here I would not have it understood,
“No—'twas to aggrandize my infamy;
“I chose, to shew all sense of virtue lost,
“A Swain who nought but pedigree could boast:
“Ask treach'rous D---, if you doubt my word,
“Who first abetted, then approved me whored,
“And stampt the shame she had herself procured.
“A first amour is seldom found the last,
“From hand to hand thro' low intrigues I past;
“I ceased at length to be the public care.
“Yet being resolved thro' all mankind to rove,
“I, when neglected, proffered love for love;
“And tho' an Earl's Coronet I still possest,
“Corona Veneris was my favourite Crest.”
Lest the equivocation of Titles might lead our readers to mistake the person, we think it proper to acquaint them that this Galant was not the hero of C---, but the one who going to bed by himself, was surprized, when he awoke, at finding himself by himself quite alone. See certain Love-Letters upon record.
One of the senses of this verb is, in a legal sense, to accuse, to inform against, or convict; from whence the Noun Approver. This note had been unnecessary, if Lexiphanes, among the other neglects in his pompous Dictionary, had not left this article imperfect.
A certain Lady of quality who was a confidant in the amour, and afterwards proved the Crim. Con. in Court.
This is not the Myrtle Wreath with which the Venus Amica crowns her Votaries, but a certain Frontlet, with which her Bastard Sister, the Venus Meretrix, is used to stigmatize her Devotees.
Deemed these but petty-larcenies in vice;
She pilfered from herself, she injured none,
And therefore was unfit to grace his throne.
“They but prefer you to be ---'s bride:
“Besides, to credit your first Shame we're loath,
“As being acquitted on a Bible-Oath.”
With front assured, and dressed en Cavalier:
A--- led her forth, Jack H--- followed,
While Grooms and Jockeys in full chorus hallooed.
The tale she told 'twere needless to repeat,
'Twas Messalina's history compleat;
And came prepared to give the Devil his due.
And quick dismissed her from the Stygian coast.
To ---'s Case in point, he thus alludes,
“Rough Riders, male or female, Hell excludes.”
Slowly advancing, ---, once fair,
Appeared in distant view. The Cyprian Dame,
Escorted by her Mars, aspired to claim
Perceiving in a nook some Imps at play,
She turned aside, to learn some sleight of hand,
To cut, or shuffle, and the game command;
Some new device, some yet-unpractised cheat,
To cozen, pilfer, and the Rook compleat. [OMITTED] [OMITTED]
This gave advantage to a rival Quean
To take her place, and prior audience gain.
We confess ourselves to be in doubt whether the Poet alludes to general C---, or to the Secretary at War, in this passage.
For having broke a too fond husband's heart;
Yet to the joys of marriage-rites still true,
Ere one was dead, she had engaged with two:
The first she jilted, being thought too tame,
Preferred the Bully of her ticklish fame,
The bleeding Basil wed, Camacho left to rail: [OMITTED] [OMITTED]
But timorous ---, in a sore affright,
Hearing the desperate prowess of her Knight,
Replied, “I dare not to this match agree,
“Who fights my Priests, would play the Devil with me.”
And his railing has had good effect, we hear, as the Don has got ten thousand pieces, and a good riddance into the bargain, for a release of contract. This is the second Suitor this Heroine bought off. The first was one to whom she had been affianced by her father's will, and who piously attending to the advice of Solomon, Leave off Contention before it be meddled with, remitted his claim upon that Condition.
This alludes to a late extraordinary Duel; but we cannot see why the Poet has taken the liberty of putting the Noun into the Plural Number here; for the Member of the Church Militant in that martial strife, is but one; and we cannot suppose our Author meant to compliment him with the name of Legion— Nor is that Reverend Person yet in possession of Pluralities, either. In our Second Edition perhaps we may be able to explain this matter further.
A weight to put poor Atlas to his trumps;
A Dame that late had puzzled heraldry
To say what Alias it should stile her by;
Who, had she been but born in days of yore,
Would have given Hercules one labour more;
For sure no mortal Might for her was able,
But his who cleansed the foul Augean Stable.
Beauty she had, and wicked wit at will;
Consistent still in Vice, from first to last,
Thro' scenes of many-coloured life she past.
Not brooking long in amorous flames to burn,
She whored or wedded, as it served her turn;
She married and unmarried as she pleased,
While Lords and Doctors Commons stood amaz'd!
But now grown wiser, she resolv'd to fix
Her seat of empire on the banks of Styx;
“A Devil on earth, whom Men call Le Boiteux?
“For vengeance on him, even to Hell's-gates I come;
“And know, my Liege, I'm just arrived from Rome:
“As Satan's Queen, a right to make him fry?
“What music to my ears, to hear him yell,
“And make his Trip to Calais, one to Hell!
“Above he 'scaped my utmost spite and power,
“Grant me revenge, I ask no other Dower!
“That I am recommended by the Pope.”
Who saw and heard her pleading, must confess,
Sh'had Falstaff's flesh, and wit, and wickedness;
Tho' some there were who thought her wanton plight
Resembled more Doll Tear-Sheet, than the Knight.
“For want of one Vice more, Hypocrisy;
“Your barefaced Sinners are not worth my notice,
“Demure pretending Saints, hoc est in votis.
“And taste an Hell on earth, ere you come here.”
Our Aristophanes, or Devil upon Two Sticks, with whom this Lady held a sort of Mountebank Correspondence, upon the occasion of a Piece of his then coming out, in which some part of her private history of public notoriety, was to be exhibited on the stage.
The Author we suppose, meant here to allude to one of her Letters upon the above occasion; but he is mistaken in the passage; the Lady did not promise to carry her complaisance so far. As well as we can recollect, she only mentioned that she would attend him to Tyburn, and then leave him to shift for himself, and go to the Devil his own way.
This expression was rather premature—She was but presumptive Consort. But, perhaps, she thought she might do in Hell as she had done on Earth, and marry whom she pleased, right or wrong.
This Piece was afterwards represented; but whether through fear, favour, or fee, was so garbled, as soon to sink into oblivion.
These two Potentates have ever been in strict confederacy together; and his infallible Holiness has sent more souls to Satan's empire, by his pardons, absolutions and indulgences, than ever were dispatched thither from the Scaffold or the Gallows.
This was the answer of the late Lord Chesterfield, to a profligate Parson who was recommended to him as a Chaplain, once, when he was going Ambassador to The States. There were scandalous persons in those times, it seems, as well as in the present ones.
This is a Sentence from Horace, but falsely quoted.—The Verb Substantive Sum is in the preter-imperfect tense there, but turned into the present time here. This is one of the vices of verse, which, like the tyranny of Procrustes, lengthens or shortens the members, according as they suit its own measure. But possibly our Author, who is an adept in metaphysics, may reply, that there is no distinction of times or tenses, in the Region of Spirits—the past, the present, and the future being all the instant now, among immortal beings.
Of female libertines appeared en groupe;
O---, B---, E---, B---,
H---, T---, and a Hundred more;
Which noisy Amazons made such a riot,
That Satan thought 't had been a Polish Diet.
“Call up my guards—What! is all Hell broke loose?”
The deafened Cryer thrice proclaimed, O Yes!
And Imps and Implings gave a general hiss.
We have looked for this diminutive, of a diminutive, in Johnson's Dictionary, in vain.—We are, therefore, at a loss for sufficient authority to support the word, except we may suppose it an allusion to the vulgar expression, which is sometimes applied to a demure Sinner, that he is as innocent as a Devil of Two Years old.
Her several right to rule the roast below;
“Your claims so like, and equal are, that I
“Can see no choice, except Polygamy:
“But when my future Queen takes state upon her,
“Ye shall be all preferred to—Maids of Honour.”
Here the Devil seems to have been a little out, in the point of Etiquette; for as this illustrious groupe are all Matrons, he could only appoint them as Ladies of the Bed Chamber.
The Sock and Buskin Heroines, linked in pairs;
Next A--- and B--- intervene,
'Twixt Y--- and B---, who close the Scene.
Their Plea was modest, which is something rare,
In any Modern male or female Player;
For, not presuming on their own demerits,
Their puny Vices, in this land of spirits,
They only claim'd, that having acted Queens
On Covent Garden and old Drury's scenes,
Their rank they challenged in the Shades below;
And thought themselves intitled to obtain
An equal dignity in Pluto's reign.
Satan, who has wit and humour, if he'd shew it,
For who but him made Rochester a Poet?
Inspired to write the filthy Pucellade?
Or instigated the Diabolade?
Thus, with a sly, Sardonic smile replied:
“Your claim, fair Puppets, must be here denied;
“Whate'er your state, while on earth ye dwell,
“Your Green-room Dolls are Kitchen Maids in Hell.”
A poetical licence again! See our former Note, upon a similar passage, in p. 2. But probably the Author meant to be critical, in this place, by making a distinction here between the imaginary Tartarus of the Pagan Creed, and the real Hell of the Christian belief. In the first, Souls were but Shadows, which was too metaphysical a notion to sway the multitude. But the latter doctrine tells us, that we shall pick up our Crumbs again at the day of judgment, in order to receive corporal punishment. This is sensible, substantial, and edifying.
The Diabolade, for The Diaboliad. The first should have been the Title, by all rules of Derivation. 'Tis a Substantive, and the latter is an Adjective. Diaboliadus, da, dum. Besides the justness of the alteration in the Word, our Author might have had a further interest in it, also, as his own Title of Diabo-Lady derives more fairly from one word than the other.
This is meant in Opposition to Maids of Honour above-mentioned; as he did not think their station or character in life, entitled them to any higher office in the Household of the Pandemonium.
Long noted in the rolls of Infamy,
--- stept forth and claim'd the vacant crown,
For every crime that bears in Hell renown.
Recounting deeds of blame from bad to worse:
“Tho' blest with beauty, rank and powers to engage,
“To charm in Youth, and win Time-honour'd age,
“Yet still ambitious of a nobler aim,
“I squandered beauty, dignity, and fame,
“To earn thy notice, thy loved Empire own,
“And, jure infernali, share thy throne—
“False to my husband's bed, I scorned to rove
“Thro' common guilt, but chose incestuous love;
“And then removed a Sister and her heir;
“To make Succession sure, and seal the deed,
“Which helped my spurious issue to succeed [OMITTED] [OMITTED]
“Of favours profligate and nothing nice,
“In many another mean ignoble vice;
“And raised finances in less legal way;
“I sweated gold, and practised every cheat,
“Which, known to thee, I need not here repeat.
“My deeds with thine compared, in every art,
“Prove me in all—thy worthy counterpart:
“In fine, to crown my merits, you shall find
“I'm the reverse of her you left behind:
“Nay more, to shew me fit to share thy sway,
“Behold, my Liege, my locks, like thine, are grey.
“What richer portion canst thou now demand;
“For e'en to all the Russias shou'dst thou rove,
“I equal Catherine, both in hate and love;
“And were Semiramis herself alive,
“With her in deeds of darkness I dare strive.”
This is an old Story; and we confess that we agree in the same Charity with the good old Woman, who, hearing of the Passion, one Sunday at Church, said, that, as it was so long ago, she hoped in the Lord that it was not true.
And at each period subtler sulphur blazed;
While at a distance, on the Elysian Plains,
Where even the Blest re-act their former scenes
Of mortal life, was seen in gesture wild,
A mournful Mother weeping o'er her child.
Satan grinned horribly a ghastly smile;
Then cried, “Resolved—I swear by Sacred Styx,
“On thy alliance my firm choice I fix.”
The nuptial torches yield a brimstone flame,
And Heralds are commanded to proclaim,
With Ætna's thunders, and infernal Yell,
“--- is crowned unrivalled Queen of Hell!”
The Diaboliad | ||