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The Diaboliad

a poem. Dedicated to the worst man in His Majesty's dominions. Also, the Diabo-Lady: or, a match in hell [by William Combe]
 

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THE DIABOLIAD.
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THE DIABOLIAD.

DEDICATION TO THE WORST MAN IN HIS MAJESTY's DOMINIONS.

17

The Devil, grown old, was anxious to prepare
A fit Successor for the Infernal Chair.
At length, he summon'd forth his chosen band;
And thus the Monarch gave his last command:

18

“Expand your sable wings, and speed to Earth
“To every Knave of Power, and Imp of Birth,
“Statesmen and Peers, these welcome tidings tell,
“That I resolve to quit the Throne of Hell:
“But, ere I cease to reign, 'twill be my care
“From my dear Children to elect an Heir.
“For this important end, I now proclaim,
“And swear by Satan's high and mighty name,
“That ere the posting Sun's resplendent ray
“Dawns on the Upper World another day,
“With all terrific pomp, I will appear
“On the dark, ebon Throne of Hell, to hear
“The Claimants of its honours each display
“Their titles—to my proud, imperial sway.
“This purpose let my favourite Mortals know,
“And give them convoy to my realms below.”
They heard, and instant soar'd upon the wind;
The infernal Regions soon were left behind.

19

By whirlwinds borne, they urge the rapid flight,
Till, gently fluttering round the giddy height
Of Paul's black, sooty Dome, they unobserv'd alight.
In strict obedience to their King's command,
The human shape assum'd, along the Strand
They bend their course, to where the Scaffold stood
That whilom smok'd with streams of royal blood:
And where, I trust, if Tyrant Kings succeed
To spurn our sacred Laws,—those Kings shall bleed.
Here they disperse:—Some take their fav'rite way
To those fam'd mansions—where the Sons of Play
By trick and rapine share a base reward;
Shake the false dye, and pack the ready card:
In solemn tone their errand they proclaim,
Their high commission, and their Sovereign's name.

20

With joy and wonder struck, the Parties rise!
“Hell is worth trying for,” F--- cries;
Pigeons are left unpluck'd, the game unplay'd,
And F--- forgets the certain Bett he made;
E'en S---l---n feels Ambition fire his breast,
And leaves, half-told, the fabricated Jest.
Well-pleas'd, th'Infernal Ministers resume
Their real forms, and thro' the midnight gloom,
On wide-stretch'd wings the eager Claimants bore
To the dank darkness of the Stygian shore.
The rest of Hell's industrious Band resort
To the corrupted Purlieus of the Court;
To lure the Statesman from his deep-lay'd scheme,
To wake the Courtier from his golden dream,
And make the C---b---l---n desire to hold
Hell's weighty Sceptre,—for 'tis made of gold.
Sure he'd resign for such a tempting fee!
Hell's Sceptre far outweighs the golden Key!

21

But cautious H--- shrinks, when risks are run,
And leaves such Honours for his Eldest Son.
Now prowling onwards to the noisome caves
Where Prostitution rules her needy slaves,
They tempt the Lordling, by Ambition's charms,
From the rank pleasures of a Harlot's arms;
Then, with the Mortal Croud, they bend their flight
To the dark realms of everlasting Night.
Lords of the Chamber,—Ministers of State,
With Sons of Lords, and Hirelings of the Great;
Men whom the Villain only loves, the Worthy hate;
Follow'd by Pimps, Bawds, Parasites and Whores,
In crouds, approach'd Hell's adamantine doors.

22

As they came onward, Mercury the gay
With lively greetings met them on the way;
He was the brisk Sir Clement Cotterell of the day.

23

The winged God thrice wav'd his magic wand!
The massive doors acknowledg'd his command;
And, to the Claimants wond'ring Eyes, display'd
Satan in all his gloomy pomp array'd.
High, in his throne, on golden columns rear'd,
The venerable King of Hell appear'd.
In his right Hand a weighty mace he bore,
And on his brow a regal crown he wore;
Begirt around with spiral flames, which shed
A silver lustre o'er his aged head.
Beneath the Throne, arrang'd in order, sat
The long establish'd Council of the State.
In every hand the flaming torches wave,
And cast their splendor through th'imperial cave.
High in the vault the fiery Dragons shone,
And Monsters, whose dire shape was never known
To mortal fantasy,—when, Reason flown,
Fear fills the mind with spectres of her own.
With flaky flames the distant region glow'd,
Whose angry light, in all their horrors, shew'd

24

Those fields of fire where guilty Spirits dwell,
And in loud ceaseless shrieks their anguish tell,
Nor respit know:—Hope cannot enter there,
To calm their sorrows or to soothe despair.
With horrid clangor now the clarion sounds;
Through the dark dome the jarring thunder bounds.
Then rose the King;—and all th'Infernal Croud
With threefold reverence to their Monarch bow'd.
Throughout the Court the expecting murmur ran,
But soon was hush'd;—when Satan thus began.
“Thousands of years have pass'd since, first, I fell
“Into the deep abyss of flaming Hell;
“And many an age since my Almighty Foe
“Gave me dominion in these realms below.
“Ambition's Slave, from Heaven I was hurl'd
“Down to the depths of this Infernal World.

25

“Tho' Heaven was lost, Ambition still possess'd
“Its darling Empire in my haughty breast.
“My Tribes, with fruitless expectation chear'd,
“And Patriot zeal, this gloomy palace rear'd—
“Here fix'd my throne,—here formed my awful state,
“And to my will resigned their future fate.
“But, cloy'd with power, my Ambition's o'er;
“The boasted charms of Empire are no more!
“Hear then my Children, hear your Sire declare,
“Of Hell's dominions He shall be the Heir,
“Whose past life bore the most obdurate crimes;
“Who gave new vigour to degenerate times;
“False to his God, who every Law defy'd,
“Thief, Traytor, Hypocrite and Parricide;
“Let him who claims these Titles as his own,
“Come forward, prove his claim,—and take the crown.”

26

The Monarch ceas'd!—F--- foremost stood
And wav'd his hand to hush the murmuring crowd.
Then graceful bow'd around; but, ere he spoke,
Satan again the awful silence broke:
“Well-meaning Youth! thy great and noble aim
“Deserves remembrance in the rolls of Fame!
“But know, for to thyself 'tis yet unknown,
“These Characters of Ill thou canst not own.
“Within the deep recesses of thy breast
“The pregnant seeds of many a virtue rest.
“Now baneful passions do their place supply,
“And check their progress to maturity.
“The feverish ardor of disastrous Game
“Burns with a furious, unrelenting flame;
“And daily seeks to quench its parching thirst
“By deeds esteem'd the noblest and the first
“In Hell's black Calendar.—The foul design
“To make another's wealth, by treachery, thine;

27

“To charm, with pleasing arts, the artless Heir,
“To call thee friend,—then lay th'unerring snare,
“Pocket his fleeting gold,—and leave him to despair.
“But I, who every distant Age can see,
“Whose keen look kens the vast Futurity,
“Ill-pleas'd thy alter'd character behold,
“No more by hungry Appetites controll'd;
“From every hateful vice and passion free,
“Lov'd by the Gods above—and lost to Me!
“Farewel!—Thy well-meant efforts will be vain!
“Cherubs attend to bear thee back again!”
In order due, Volpone next appear'd;
Loose was his hair, unshaven was his beard:
O'er his whole face was spread a yellow hue,
Borrow'd, perhaps, from some relenting Jew

28

Not anxious to be paid.—Gold he had none;
Th'inverted pocket told that all was gone.
But ere he made his claim to Hell's rewards,
His right hand wav'd aloft the fatal Cards.
Then, smiling, thus he spoke;—“All-gracious power!
“Who from my natal to the present hour,
“Didst o'er my life, with fostering care, preside,
“My Friend, my Guardian, and my faithful Guide!
“How weak the Task my Actions to review!
“You know them all, dread Sir, they sprung from You,
“And now, I trust, 'tis You alone suggest
“The great, determined purpose of my breast,
“To try my chance, at this important hour,
“And stake my Soul against your sov'reign power—

29

“Who wins have both.”—“Thy soul's already mine,”
Satan replied:—“and I this day assign
“Thy earthly duty.—Hence, begone, to bait,
“With mastiff zeal,—a Minister of State.”
“Poor C--- dismiss'd, next comes a noble Peer,
Grooms, Pimps, and Link-boys, give the triple cheer.”
His right hand bore a Horse-shoe and a Bit;
His left, a Book by Angelona writ;
To whose fair pages—anxious after fame,
His Lordship ventur'd to prefix his name.
A Wife complain'd that matrimonial dues
Were nightly wasted in the wanton stews;
A Friend lamented how he was beguil'd,
And mourn'd a ruin'd and forsaken Child;

30

While two attendant Parsons boldly swore,
They never wanted—but he paid the Whore:
Then loud proclaim'd his knowledge in the wiles
Of drabby Drury and of low St. Giles.
E'en Saint-like Godby blasts her eyes, and swears,
P---'s the most abandon'd of his Peers .

31

His Vouchers done, with simper on his cheek
He silent stood;—for P--- cannot speak;
When the sage Council, with one voice declare—
“Rough-riders would disgrace a regal Chair.”
Without one Virtue that can grace a name;
Without one Vice that e'er exalts to Fame;
The despicable B--- next appears,
His bosom panting with its usual fears:
He strives in vain,—and fruitless proves the art,
To hide, with vacant smile, the treacherous heart.

32

The faithful Harry stands not by his side,
His learned Counsel, and his constant guide;

33

Who for an hard earn'd, narrow competence,
Supplies his tongue with words, his head with sense .
At length, recovered from his huge affright,
He, stammering, reads the Speech he did not write:
“Curst with hereditary love of pelf,
“I hate all human beings but myself;

34

“Cross and perplex my wife, because she prov'd,
“Poor girl!—not rich enough to be belov'd.
“But all return my hate:—where'er I go,
“My coward eye beholds a ready foe.
“And tho' to Earth's extremes my feet I bend,
“These arms would ne'er embrace a real friend.
“When my breast throbs with unrelenting grief,
“No friendly Spirits bring the kind relief.
“If I sink down beneath oppressing pain,
“Surrounding foes rejoice as I complain.
“I'm scoff'd by those, who from my hand have prov'd
“That kindness which would make another lov'd;

35

“Men, who to other Patrons bend their knee,
“Are proud of their Ingratitude to me.
“Thus, without Friends on earth, I humbly sue
“To find, my gracious Liege, a Friend in you.
Hated by all,—I'm fit to be allied
“To your Imperial State!”—The King replied:
“If vacant smiles and hypocritic air
“Could form pretensions to this sov'reign Chair;
“If my pale Crown by meanness could be won,
“Who'd have so fair a claim as H---'s Son?

36

“But Meanness is a Vice which Devils disdain!
“Should'st thou attempt, base Mortal, here to reign,
“To wield the Sceptre,—and to wear my Crown;
“The infernal Host would rise to cast thee down,
“With furious zeal, where outcast Spirits lie,
“In the dark dens of gnashing Infamy.
“Such minds as thine,—Observe the truth I tell!
“Find neither Friends on Earth,—nor Friends in Hell.

37

Appall'd the hapless Lordling sneak'd away,
And Harpies hiss'd him to the realms of Day .

38

The murmurs hush'd,—the Herald straight proclaim'd
S---l---n the witty next in order nam'd

39

But he was gone to hear the dismal yells
Of tortur'd Ghosts and suffering Criminals.
Tho' summon'd thrice, he chose not to return,
Charm'd to behold the crackling Culprits burn.
With George, all know Ambition must give place,
When there's an Execution in the case. .

40

Then in Succession came a Peer of words,
Well known—and honour'd in the House of Lords,

41

Whose Eloquence all Parallel defies!
So Sandwich says, and Sandwich never lies.
No doubt, the partial Earl delights to see,
In this young Lord, his own Epitome.
Behind him came, in Regimentals drest,
The brazen Gorget hanging on his breast,
Th'obsequious Cousin, ready to obey,
Whate'er might be the business of the day,
With solemn look the conscious Peer began
Thus to address the Military Man:
“Friend, Cousin, Pimp, or by whatever name
“You would be blasted by the trump of Fame,
“Approach, and lend me now unusual aid!
“You, my brave Soldier, never are afraid,

42

“But when the critic brow of Ladies frown:
“With thy assistance, I shall mount the Throne;
“And then, to thee, my Coz, these Powers shall bend,
“Their Monarch's favourite Counsellor and Friend.
“Oft at thy curious vice I've stood amaz'd,
“While half stedg'd Subalterns, with wonder, gaz'd.
“Of you their sage Lieutenant, Ensigns learn
“The weakness of all Virtue to discern!
“You fill their brains with Honour and Renown;
“And teach them how to live—upon the Town;

43

“To whore, to bully, to blaspheme, to game,
“To scorn the boyish blush and honest shame;
“And having vers'd them in each common evil,
“Lead them to Masques to personate the Devil:
“Their grateful Parents will your pains requite,
“And fill the Boxes on an Author's Night.
“'Twas you unlock'd a pious parent's doors
“For Panders, Gamesters, Whores, and Sons of Whores;
“And, with uncommon filial duty blest,
“Sent her from Hell on earth, in Heaven to rest.

44

“But to my purpose.—In the world above,
‘Bound by resembling characters and love,
“We liv'd together, and together stray'd
“In Vice's public walk and secret shade.
“I found thee apt in every artful wile,
“Proud to defame, and eager to beguile.
“Whene'er I sigh'd to practise a Deceit,
“In thee, my Coz, I found the ready Cheat.
“Whene'er I wanted Falsehood to supply
“The place of Truth,—you found the ready Lie.
“When, to give spirit to some tedious hour
“I wish'd to see the Pedant Parson lour,
“To make the Simple stare, the Virtuous sigh,—
“Your tongue pour'd forth the ready Blasphemy.

45

“But now the scene is chang'd; that farce is o'er,
“And e'en your Falsehood will assist no more.
“Start not at what I say,—well-temper'd Youth!
“Be not alarm'd—you now must speak the truth.
“Look not so pale, 'twill suit your nature well;
“You ly'd on Earth, and you speak truth in Hell.”
This chear'd him much, and made his cheeks to glow,
And sav'd his bosom from the threat'ning woe;
Which when his Lordship saw, in haughty tone
He thus laid claim to the Infernal Throne.

46

“Is there a guilty deed I have not done?
“What say you, Coz?” The Captain answer'd, “None!”
“Have I not whor'd myself, and made thee whore?
“Confirm it with an oath!”—The Captain swore.
“Have I not acted every Villain's part?
“Have I not broke a Noble Parent's heart?
“By deeds of ill have I not seem'd to live?”
The Captain gave a bold affirmative.
“Do not I daily boast, how I've betrayed
“The tender Widow, and the virtuous Maid?
“These serious crimes you know, and many more:
“Swear, Sir!”—By Egypt's Queen the Captain swore!

47

(The Queen who lur'd him to disgrace his cloth,
And gave him bread, now serv'd him for an oath).
But as he spoke, there issued from the croud,
--- the base, the cruel, and the proud;
And eager cried, “I boast superior claim
“To Hell's dark Throne, and --- is my name.
“What, shall that stripling Lord contend with me?
“I have four Sons as old and bad as he!
“Whate'er he swears, I'll swear—he says, I'll say!
“And look, All gracious King, my hairs are grey!

48

Th'astonish'd Demons on each other gaz'd,
And Satan's self sat silent and amaz'd;
Revolving, in his dubious mind, the state
And crimes of each aspiring Candidate;
When clanking chains, and doleful shrieks were heard,
And injur'd ---'s raving Ghost appear'd :
His bosom heav'd with many a torturing sigh,
And bloody streams gush'd forth from either eye.

49

With piteous look he did a Tale unfold,
Black with such horrid deeds, that, being told,
Hell's craggy vaults with acclamations ring,
And joyful shouts of—“--- shall be King!”
FINIS.
 

If the Orthodox Critic should here observe, that I have thrown a slight upon his Devil, by introducing so great an Heathen as Mercury to his employment, he will discover, when he lowers his eyes to this part of the page, that I have made the observation before him.—But, if according to some of the ancient Christian Fathers, his Satanic Majesty was supposed, for his own private ends, to concern himself with the Heathen Oracles, Sybils, and Pythonesses, I may, surely, under their respectable authority, make him have occasional recourse to another of the same family, without the least degradation. Besides, I had not one of the Rabbinical Writers within my reach, while I was writing this Poem, to give me the name of Satan's Gentleman Usher: so that, to save myself trouble, which I at all times hate and detest, I borrowed an acquaintance from the Grecian Poets.—Again, if my Critic will but consider of whom the troop consisted which received safe conduct from this winged guide, he must esteem Mercury, who is (Heathenly speaking) the presiding Genius of rogues, sharpers, &c. as properly introduced to be their conductor. —And, as an Orthodox Critic must consider all such in the light of Heathens, my application to the Pagan Mythology will not appear so mal apropos as he at first imagined.

This noble person, verging to that time of life when he may say of the Brothels, “I myself have no pleasure in them,” is fond of introducing Gentlemen of the Black Cloth and Character into these places, where he enjoys the contemplation of their pleasures, and pays for them. Mrs. Godby's piety suffers very much upon these occasions, and can only be equalled by his L---'s refinement, which is so universally known, that I expect every day to hear of its being sung in a proverb.

It is not impossible that the scene of the two M---ly---ts, Father and Son, may be acted over again, and again, when a certain young Nobleman returns from his travels.

Godby's Nocturnals, p. 116.

N. B. The manuscript from which this last note is taken, will make its appearance in due time, and unfold some transactions which the world little thinks of.

This young Nobleman's character is, in every respect, a striking contrast to his ------; but the following Anecdote will give a very strong explanation of my idea concerning him.—When Mr. C--- F--- proposed him to be elected into one of the fashionable clubs, he was almost universally black-balled. Mr. F---, who at that time had great interest there, was much surprised that his friend should be thus rejected. But as he concluded, and not without reason, that the universal disgust in which the family of his Friend was held had prevented his success, he proposed him again, with a declaration, on his honour, that Mr. C--- had not one quality in common with any of his family. The event justified Mr. F---'s penetration, on the second Ballot not a single black-ball appeared against his friend.— This Anecdote has been asserted to me as fact: but be that as it may, the principle of it is founded in truth, and serves the purpose of doing justice to a most amiable Character, whose great merit the Author of these pages, who sincerely loves him, is glad to attest.

It is not uncommon for an avaricious Father to saddle a younger Brother for a maintenance on the elder, especially if he has a place. And if the latter should possess an hereditary baseness, he will carry on the spirit of conditionalizing, and insist that the former shall, in return, give him the use of his understanding. It too often happens that elder brothers want spirit and understanding, and that younger ones who have both in an eminent degree, stand in need of a provision. It is hard that Worth and Genius should be so situated! but this is among the sore evils under the Sun!

Several of my friends who were kind enough to approve, and, indeed, enforce the publication of this little Work, seemed to think that I had frustrated my intention of marking the insignificance of this Character, by giving so many lines to the delineation of it. But as the bold strokes are more easily imitated than the finer pencillings of nature, those colourless bad qualities which have not sufficient strength or spirit to rise into daring, manly vice, require a great length of description to impress them properly on the attention of the Reader. Indeed, it is my serious opinion, that this man's life would be a profitable lesson to the world, to prove, that meanness of spirit, though unaccompanied by any bold, open violations of virtue, will ever be more contemptible, obnoxious, and distressing, than any of those public vices which are seldom wholly unconnected with some sort of principle, and often originate from the same source with many virtues. The ebullitions of youth, the spur of necessity, the prevalence of example may hurry to enormities. In these cases, however, the cause is not always difficult to be removed, and frequently removes itself. The effects will then cease, and honour and virtue return.

But a mean spirit, as in this example, is a low, sneaking, base, fixed propensity to what is bad, which it loves; and yet is compelled by its fears to assume the semblance of good, which it hates. It is wholly incorrigible, and attends the Character it has once possessed through every degree of station and of life; and is very seldom or never known to rise into momentary courage or spirit; unless suicide, to which it has sometimes applied for a dismission from universal contempt may be considered as examples of them.

But this subject, which I have already extended beyond the limits of a note, shall be considered in a separate publication, illustrated and proved by anecdotes of the Character before me when he was at School, the University, in France, Ireland, Warwickshire, and London; as a School-boy, a Collegian, a Traveller, a Secretary, a Militia-commander, a Husband, and so on to the present times,—with collateral relations.

I would not be guilty of injustice to any Character. George does not want humanity! nay he has an uncommon portion of this virtue: it extends even to the gallows; and is well known to have bedewed his cheeks with tears at the lamentable fate of that pious personage, commonly called, Sixteen-String Jack. And I may venture to assert, that he never saw a man hang'd in his life, but when the sport was over, he would have been really happy to have restored him to life. It requires a kind of knowledge which every body does not possess, to reconcile the apparent contradictions in the human character. However, I shall not, at present enter further upon the subject than to observe, that there are certain propensities in the mind, which, being long indulged, become irresistible, and stand between Men and their best interests. All the World knows that Mr. S--- is attached to gaming, and that when he games, he wishes to win. And there are many will tell you, that this love of play, when it has taken root, becomes the leading, if not the sole, propensity of the human breast. But in the Character before me, there is an evident example of two leading propensities in the same mind, which, upon certain occasions, form a spirit of accommodation, and blend with each other. This very Gentleman, though he had made a very considerable bet that he should not be at a certain execution, was, notwithstanding, discovered to be actually present at the spectacle, dressed like an old woman, in a joseph and bonnet, and seated on horseback, &c. &c. This is a twofold irresistible propensity! Nevertheless, George is a man of humanity.

See the Letters of Junius, where the able Writer has observed, with his usual spirit and good sense, upon this guilty transaction. Junius felt for human nature, and would not suffer his pen to trace all the particulars of it. To degrade the Criminal, they should be remembered; but for the sake of humanity, they had better be forgotten.