University of Virginia Library

The Inquisitive Bridegroom:

A TALE.

Frank Plume, a Spark about the Town,
Now weary of Intriguing grown,
Thought it adviseable to wed,
And chuse a Partner of his Bed,
Virtuous and Chaste—Ay right—but where
Is there a Nymph that's Chaste as Fair?
A Blessing to be priz'd, but rare.
For Continence, penurious Heav'n
With a too sparing Hand has given;
A Plant but seldom to be found,
And thrives but ill on British Ground.
Should our Advent'rer haste on board,
And see what foreign Soils afford?
Where watchful Dragons guard the Prize,
And jealous Dons have Argus' Eyes,
Where the rich Casket close immur'd,
Is under Lock and Key secur'd?
No—Frank by long Experience Wise,
Had known these Forts took by Surprize.
Nature in spite of Art prevail'd,
And all their Vigilance had fail'd.
The Youth was puzzled, should he go
And scale a Convent? would that do?
Is Nuns-Flesh always good and sweet?
Fly-blown sometimes, not fit to eat.
Well—he resolves to do his best,
And prudently contrives this Test;
If the last Favour I obtain,
And the Nymph yield, the Case is plain:
Marry'd, she'll play the same odd prank
With others—she's no Wife for Frank.
But could I find a Female Heart
Impregnable to Force or Art,
That all my Batt'rys could withstand,
The Sap, and even Sword in hand;
Ye Gods! how happy should I be,
From each perplexing Thought set free,
From Cuckoldom, and Jealousy!
The Project pleas'd. He now appears,
And shines in all his killing Airs,
And ev'ry useful Toy prepares.
New Opera Tunes, and Billetdoux,
The clouded Cane, and Red-heel'd Shoes;
Nor the Clock-Stocking was forgot,
Th' embroider'd Coat, and Shoulder-knot:
All that a Woman's Heart might move,
The potent Trumpery of Love.
Here Importunity prevails,
There Tears in Floods, or Sighs in Gales.
Now in the lucky Moment try'd,
Low at his Feet the Fair-one dy'd,
For Strephon would not be deny'd.
Then if no Motives could persuade,
A Golden Show'r debauch'd the Maid,
The Mistress truckled, and obey'd.
To Modesty a sham Pretence
Gain'd some, others Impertinence;
But most, plain downright Impudence.
Like Cæsar now he conquer'd all,
The Vassal Sex before him fall;
Where'er he march'd, Slaughter ensu'd,
He came, he saw, and he subdu'd.
At length a stubborn Nymph he found,
For bold Camilla stood her ground;
Parry'd his Thrusts with equal Art,
And had him both in Tierce, and Quart:
She kept the Hero still in play,
And still maintain'd the doubtful Day.
Here he resolves to make a stand,
Take her, and marry out hand.
The jolly Priest soon ty'd the Knot,
The luscious Tale was not forgot,
Then empty'd both his Pipe and Pot.
The Posset drunk, the Stocking thrown,
The Candles out, the Curtains drawn,
And Sir and Madam all alone;
My Dear (said he) I strove, you know,
To taste the Joys you now bestow,
All my persuasive Arts I try'd,
But still relentless you deny'd;
Tell me, inexorable Fair,
How cou'd you thus attack'd forbear?
Swear to forgive what's past (she cry'd)
The naked Truth shan't be deny'd:
He did; the Baggage thus reply'd:
Deceiv'd so many times before,
By your false Sex, I rashly swore,
To trust deceitful Man no more.