 | Lavv-Trickes or, VVho VVould Have Thovght It |  |
ACTUS PRIMUS.
Enter Count, Horatio solus.Hor.
Diuine inuention, O how I could hug,
And like an amorous Louer court thy beauty,
That crownst me King of pleasures: were my braine
Fordg'd out of vulgar metall without fier,
And sprightly motion, my big-swolne hopes,
Had bene still-borne, but when deiected minds,
Out slept the golden pleasure of the night:
My serious meditations haue out-watch'd,
The glorious tapers that attend the Moone:
I turnd my thoughts into a thousand shapes:
Moulded the fashion of ten thousand plots,
Lik'd and dislik'd so many, that my brayne
The mother of Inuention grew barrayne,
Almost past bearing, still my laboring thoughts
Conceiu'd a yet more strange and quaint Idea,
Gaue it proportion, and I brought it forth:
And that blest infant of Inuention
Beyond all hope hath my contentment woon,
And that's Loues heauen I loue a face more faire
Then Cintheas hue that seems aboue compare,
Vshers her steps, oh wedded slauery!
This tender rose, whom artles marriage,
Hath grafted on a nettle (testy age)
Haue I vngrafted, made himselfe vntie
The knot of wedlock: thanks sweete industrie.
Enter Count Lurdo. meditating.
And here a comes, that which most heaps my fame,
His wit's well spoken of.
Lu.
This wit's a sprightly thing.
Ho.
For such as haue't.
Lu.
It not alone doth bring,
Publique applause, but knowledge i'the law,
Teacheth to speake in distance.
Ho.
How the daw
Scoures ore his rustie phrases? honord Count,
How growes your plot?
Lu.
My thriuing fortunes mount
Aboue suppose, euen to my harts content:
Wee are diuorc'd.
Ho.
My hopes are preualent.
Lu.
You know the cause on't, two sufficient men
Swore her a harlot, and the partiall Bench
Inspirde by my good Angels (Angels wings
Sweepe a cleare passage to the seat of Kings)
Seald our diuorce.
Ho.
But doth her brother swallow
This grosse abuse?
Lu.
Abuse, away, away.
Whilst this holds out, my cause shal neuer sincke.
Enter Duke Ferneze and Angelo.
Ho.
See where a comes, his sad complexion weares,
Griefs mourning liuery, he is clothde in teares.
Ang.
Whence springs this sorrow?
Fer.
For my sisters shame,
My sister, oh my sister, whose repute
Hung like a Iewell on her sexes forehead.
Ang.
And what of her?
Fer.
Shee is, o no she was
Pure as the Diamond, cleere as christall glasse,
But now, O hell, her credit is more foule,
Then speckled scandall, or black murders soule.
Ang.
I cannot thinke it.
Lu.
But I know't too true,
She was my wife and by her meanes, my head
Was fayrely tupt and you will buy a Lanthorne:
Bespeake my sconce, tis ready hornd and all.
Ho.
Not yet, but Ile take order that it shall.
Fer.
And are yee parted?
Lu.
What a question's that?
Shall I weare crackt rings, Diamonds with a flaw,
Ile carry coles and you wil, no hornes, I know the law.
An.
Is this your griefe?
Fer.
This is inough, to make
Patience turne ruffin, she that was the paterne,
To whose proportion all our courtly dames,
Cut out their actions, she to fall: a signe—
Lu.
More will fall shortly.
Her shame—
Lu.
Growes here, who euer broacht the wyne,
The butt stands here, my forehead bears the signe,
Ho.
It merrits none, the shame's nor yours nor his,
That foot's euen made that neuer treads a misse,
Beauty came first from Heauen, Prometheus,
Stole it to make proud women bewteous,
Now, stolne goods thriue not: women steale from men
Then blame not them to seeke their owne agen.
Kings haue for this bene felons, and tis prou'd,
He neuer was diuine that neuer lou'd.
Lu.
I finde no law for this.
Ho.
Custome you proue,
And what's more Auncient then to pilfer loue?
Lu.
A quillet well applide.
Ho.
Then bury griefe,
Yf this be fellonie, my self's a theife.
Lu.
A nimble witte, iust of the length of mine,
But come my leidge, forget it so will I,
Our infant griefs must be old men and die,
Fer.
Not whilst hir fault suruiues,
What newes with thee.
Enter Horatio's Page.
Pa.
I bring your honor comfortable newes,
Your sonne's return'd from Pisa,
Fer.
A comes ill,
And yet I hope his blest arriue will kill
This monster griefe.
Ho.
He is a toward Prince.
Fe.
Toward inough, and yet most strangely wean'd
And wedded from this worlds societie.
Lu.
A parlous youth, sharpe and sattyricall,
Would a but spend some study in the law,
A would proue a passing subtle Barrister.
Ha's a quick wit.
Lur.
And a speakes Latin too,
Truely and so few Lawyers vse to doe.
Enter Prince Polymetes with a Booke.
Poly.
Health to this honour'd presence: passing good!
Ang.
Welcome sweet Prince.
Poly.
Thanks: superpassing good!
But honord father, see how he proceedes:
Learning was first made pilot to the world,
And in the chaire of contemplation,
Many degrees aboue the turning cloudes
Held in his hand the nine-leaf'd marble booke,
Drawne full of siluer lines and golden Stars.
Fer.
But Sonne?
Poly.
But father, it was learnings place,
Till emptie outsides, shadowes daub'd with golde
Pluckt him downe headlong, then alost his wits,
And euer since liues Zany to the world,
Turnes Pageant-Poet, toyler to the presse,
Makes himselfe cheape, detested, hist and stale,
To euerie bubble and dull Groome.
Who for his out-sides gawdie, will presume
To make poore wit a hackney to his pride.
And with blunt rowled Iestes spur-gall his side
Till his soule bleede, O, I am more then mad,
To see meere shadowes censure and controule,
The substance, worthier both in sence and soule
Fer.
Fie Polymetes, though the robe of learning,
Sit comely on a Prince, yet weane thy thoughts
From this strict contemplation, and embrace
Publique assemblies, knightly exercise.
Poly.
How's that? to sweare and giue the sunden stab?
Sell Lands to purchase fashions? O tis base!
Bought gentrie, should true-borne worth disgrace.
Practise to hunt.
Pol.
No, some that vse that sport
Giu't ore, being scarce one haire the better for't.
Fer.
Then practise Reuels.
Pol.
Reuels sprightly play.
Yet euerie yeare, some reuell all away.
Lur.
All these are triuiall: Prince, be a Lawyer:
Pol.
Of all Land monsters, some that beare that name,
Might well be sparde, whose vultur Auarice
Deuours men liuing: they of all the rest,
Deale most with Angells, & yet proue least blest.
Lur.
Wrong not the Law.
Pol.
I cannot, tis diuine:
And ile compare it to a golden chaine,
That linkes the body of a common-wealth,
Into a firme and formall Vnion.
It holds the sword, with an impartiall hand,
Curbs in the raines of an vnruly land,
Tis twin'd to Iustice, and with holy zeale,
Rightly determines the poore mans appeale.
And those that are lawes true administers,
Are fathers to the wrong'd, heauen's Iusticers.
Lur.
Fore-god tis true, right properties of the Law
But vnder fauour, and with due respect
Of that vnualued perle, and the professors,
Your selfe and such lacke-Latin Aduocates
Infect the heart, and doe their best to change
The true intent of sanctimonious law.
Turne Churchyards Champions, and make the ground growne rancke with Grandsires flesh,
Beare corne to feed the Sonne.
Fer.
Will this be suffer'd?
But Polymetes, in thy stay at Pisa,
When heardst thou of thy Sister?
Pol.
Much to late,
Beautious Emilia, whome I neuer saw,
But in the Rhethorique of discoursiue tongues
In Sancta Monta, neighbour to Sardinia,
Where siluer Arno in her Christall bosome,
Courts the fresh bancks with many an amorous kisse.
My Sister (as the countrie custome claim'd)
With all the choycest virgins of the Land,
Met at the Temple halfe a league remote,
From all resort of people, which was deck'd
With all the Reliques, and the choicest Iemmes,
Marcellis, Pisa, or Ligorne could yeeld.
Fer.
What follow'd this rich preparation?
Pol.
Whilst they securely tend their Orizons,
Three armed Gallies of the faithlesse Turkes,
At this aduantage set their men on shore,
Enterd the Temple, and prophande their shrines,
On the high Altar sacrifiz'd the Priests,
Disray'd the Temple of the golden robes,
Murder'd the matrons, rauished the Maides,
And dragging them by the disheueld haire,
Did with their rauish'd bodies fill their boates,
Amongst the rest, Emilia whome report
Cald by no name but onely beautifull,
Was rauish'd, slaine, or taken prisoner.
Fer.
O Polymetes! thy discourse confounds,
Thou healst old hurts, yet giu'st vs deeper wounds,
But words are ayre, see our arm'd Gallies man'd,
And in them place as many of our Knights
As lou'd Emilia and their Soueraignes health.
Ile vnto Pisa, and till our returne,
Because our widowed Duke-dome shall not mourne.
Be thou her minion, and possesse her chaire,
Fill that with honour, t'will fill thee with care,
Vrge no denialls, Genowaes a dew,
Exeunt: manent Lurdo and Horatio.
Lur.
Better and better, now my hopes are fit,
The Duke thus gone, what tongue so bold dares say
I wrong'd my wife?
Ho.
That dares Horatioes.
Lur.
Thou art my self, we both haue but one bosome
One tongue, one soule, two bodies & one heart.
Hor.
I know't my Lord.
Lur.
Tis true, but let that passe,
Wee two are one.
Hor.
I know your honour's wise.
Lur.
And I know thee
For no small foole, twa's simple pollicie,
And not without some counsel of the lawe,
That not withstanding my wiues neere allyance
Vnto the Duke, I purchac'd a diuorce.
Hor.
What was the cause?
Lur.
I tell thee, the moste wrong
Was this, my Auarice thought she liu'd too long.
I know one man hath coffind vp sixe wiues
Since she was mine, and by the poorest, purst
A brace of thousand pounds: still good in Law,
Men must be rich, by thrift our treasures rise,
Giue me the man's knaue rich, take you poore wise,
But close, cocke sure ile feed me fat with sport,
Gull all, foole all, why? I haue Law-tricks for't.
Exit
Hor.
How Iustice Slender glories in the plot,
Which to deceiue him, my full braine begot?
But to his wife, true vertue though disgrac'd,
Shee's now halfe woo'd because shee's thought vnchast
Her sexes credit, or discredit thriues
In th'outward shape and fashion of their liues,
and be a womans vertues nere so strong,
Her honour's weighed vpon discourses tongue.
Be her same sullied, were her thoughts as bright
For though mongst women, moste are beautious,
They that please time are counted vertuous,
And in this hope, ile to the Countesse goe,
Shee's counted light, Loue grant I finde her so.
Exit.
Enter Emilia and Ioculo.
Joc.
Welcome to Genoa Madam, and to make a
short cut of our long trauell, faith tell mee, how doe
you feele your selfe since you came a shore?
Em.
Feele my selfe? why with my hands, what an
idle question's that?
Ioc.
Then pray bee you better occupied in your
answere: but Madam, doe you remember what a
multitude of fishes we saw at Sea? and I doe wonder
how they can all liue by one another.
Em.
Why foole, as men do on the Land, the great
ones eate vp the little ones, but Ioculo, I am great, passing
great, and readie to lye downe.
Joc.
Doe Madam, and ile stand by and doe my
good will to deliuer you.
Em.
Mans death of what?
Ioc.
Why of your Maiden-head Madam & if you
please, or rather of the huge birth of knauerie y'are in
trauell of.
Em.
And in sooth Ioculo at this time I stand in
some need of a wittie Mid-wif: but may I trust thee?
Ioc.
Aboue the girdle-stead, and below the knee
Madam without any danger, why Madam, you
know at our first meeting in the Turkes Gallies,
where we were both prisoners, and in a manner
strāgers, I rested faithful when we counterfeited ourselues
lunaticke to escape their furie I proued not
false when wee were cast naked a shore: I stood
firme to you, and neuer since left your companyes
now hauing had these tryals of me abroade, neuer
Em.
I wil credit thee, and now receiue this embrion
of knauerie, brieflie as I deliuer it. I vnderstand
since our priuate arriuall heere at Genoa, that the
Duke my father hearing of my surprisal from Montasancta,
attended with a hundred Knights, is gone to
seeke a needle in a bottle of Hay.
Io.
Or rather to catch a quicke Eele by the—
Em.
Teeth, as I haue done you sir?
Io.
Nay, and you breake iestes a my teeth once,
I haue done with you.
Em.
If the breaking of the iest kept your teeth
whole, twas well broken: but to the purpose; as well
to trie what mettle our Genowaies wits are made of,
as also to put my Brothers humor to the test, I intend
to dance a prettie change with my name (for by nothing
else I am sure they can knowe me, being in my
infancie carried to my Aunts at Pisa) then insteed of
Emilia, call me Tristella.
Io.
Agreed, but what man i'th mist is this?
Em.
I know not yet, lets walke, and take occasion
to confer with them.
Enter Polymetes reading, and Iulio taking Tobacco.
Ioc.
Yet keep without eye-shot so long as you can.
Poly.
O moste Diuine!
Iul.
Tobacco? the best in Europe, 't cost mee ten
Crownes an ounce by this vapor.
Pol.
Art not asham'd?
Iul.
Of your foppish humor? yes by this Element
villanously asham'd, pox on't, leaue it, you are a
scholler, goe but to antiquitie, reade the Chronicles,
you may finde some of your Ancestors chronicled
for winning a Wenches fauour for loosing their armour,
but few for wit and Schollership: Souldiers &
in this kicking age: but who comes heere? one
she-Satyre or other to pitch vp her Tent, cast downe
her gauntlet and proclaime thee coward for not
stabbing her, when shee gaue thee the moste plaine
apparant and open lye.
Em.
Ioculo, we are fallen into their eyes.
Ioc.
Theile hardly see their way then, for we are
shrew'd moats, but al's one, ile giue occasion of quarreil,
answert you as you can.
iustle Iulio.
Iul.
Your reason Sir?
Ioc.
To make thee recoile, or with the Souldier to
fall off, i'st your countrie manner to corriue a leader,
being vpon or before present seruice as I am?
Iul.
Pardon me sir, I did not see your charge.
Would I had neuer seene her, for her eye
Hath set my thoughts in a strange mutenie.
Pol.
What, in loue Iulio?
Iul.
No Prince, loue's in me,
I like a slaue indure loues tyrannie.
Ioc.
Madam, your Brother.
Pol.
Slaue to all slaues be he that snares his eye,
In a weake Syrens Cob-web flatterie.
Iul.
God saue faire sweete.
Em.
Amen, from such as you.
Iul.
You had said for such, had your tongue gone true.
Em.
Why then belike I lye.
Iul.
I would you did, within my Curtens.
Em.
Marry loue forbid.
Iul.
Nay, loue is willing, for he cries lets goe:
Em.
Then loue hath two tunges, for he tels me no,
so pray let's part.
Iul.
What, and our lips not meete?
Em.
Now fie vpon't, like Broom-men in the street?
Y'are a young wooer, or else much to rude,
To shew this kindnesse fore a multitude,
You would scarce doo't in a more priuate place.
Po.
This same strāge thing i'th likenes of a womā,
Tastes of much wit, though I not loue her sex,
Ile arme my thoughts to cracke a iest with her.
What, graueld Iulio?
Em.
No, but run a Land:
Is your wits shipping any better mand?
Pol.
Yes, will you board it?
Em.
No, I dare not venter:
Pol.
Make but a shot in iest and you may enter.
Em.
You are a Scholler.
Pol.
I haue seene some Schooles.
Em.
You came not ore i'the last fleet of Fooles.
Pol.
You tooke my roome vp.
Em.
I pray tak't agen,
Weele haue no women fooles saile amongst men.
Pol.
Your wit's much currish.
Em.
Why't bites not you,
It feedes on fooles flesh, so wise men adieu
Iul.
Please you accept the curtsie of the towne?
Em.
I need not, I haue curtsies of mine owne:
ther's one for you.
Pol.
How chance your wit's so free?
Em.
Onely to out-goe Iadish company.
Iul.
Here are none such.
Ioc.
Take heede, for if you tire,
Sheele keepe her pace and leaue you in the mire.
Pol.
A womans feature, but a Schollers tongue
In quick discourse, Philosophers nere wondred
More at the strange conception of the windes,
Then I admire how she attain'd this wit:
Did not true learning make the soule diuine,
She hath spoke enough to make me conuertine.
Iul.
My loues are sound, & wait but your reply,
A short lin'd accent, either no or I.
I am not too seueare, nor yet so kinde,
To fall for euerie idle puff of winde.
But farwell, ile take counsell of my pillow,
Pittie fresh youth should wither in greene willowe.
Iul.
Appoint the place sweete, ile not misse mine
houre.
Em.
At the three fooles.
Iul.
Ile meete.
Em.
And make vp foure.
Pol.
Sweet wordes, kinde lookes, what? and a parting kisse.
Words, lookes and lips crie all, the wenche is his.
I am possest deuill, loue perswades my minde,
That if to him, to me shee'le proue more kinde.
What's Iulio made of? hadst thou soule or sence,
Thou wouldst not prentise thy affections,
Nor tie thy fortunes to a strangers loue.
Iul.
A little liking my Lord, a ierk a trick or so, but
no pure loue I protest, but be impartiall, cast of the
furd-gowne of hate, and speake out of the naked
Doublet and hose of iudgement: is she not worthy
to be beloued? nay, might not she and I liue passing
well together?
Pol.
Yes, if to liue in bondage be no hell,
I thinke you two, might doe exceeding well.
Iul.
Well my Lord, because ile bee no example of
selfe-will, ile breake off our meeting at the three
Fooles, and send for her to Court, where ile put al my
loue into one quart of Maligo, & your melancholly
humor into another, and he that hath done last, shall
for penance giue her a kicke a the lips, and a pipe of
Tobacco be my witnesse, that's all the loue I beare
her.
Pol.
Well Iulio,
How ere you iuggle, if you doe agree,
You must be pleas'd to weare the keepers fee.
Exeunt
| Lavv-Trickes or, VVho VVould Have Thovght It | |