 | Lavv-Trickes or, VVho VVould Have Thovght It |  |
Actus Tertius.
Enter Count Lurdo and Winifride.Lur.
Cvrrant in Law, & how encountred you.
Win.
Ile tell you my good Lord (I thank
my bringing vp, I can talke, I vse not to haue my
tongue to seeke when it should pleasure anye man,
especially my good Lord) I tolde her what a credit
it was to haue a man of great credit, & that which is
more, a skilfull Lawyer that can stand out in her case
at a dead lift, and one that if need were, could make a
crazy action sound, I put her in minde what it was to
haue such a one to her sweet heart.
Lu.
Thou speakst but right, for so I am indeede.
Wi.
You are, I vrg'd it, and she confest to me that the
verie first night shee saw you she dream't on you, and
wisht you in her bed, and her bed in the midst of the
Riuer.
Lu.
How, ith the Riuer?
Win.
Yes forsooth,
Lu.
In the middle of the tide.
Yes in her dreame.
Lur.
Good,
But she doth loue me.
Win.
Beleeue it my Lord she doth, marrie you must
thinke I drew her and drew her, and wrought her
and wrought her, till I made her as plyant and, tractable
as wax, marrie with all, she is as constant as Lucretia,
and will not for a thousand pounds, till shee
hath the law of her side.
Lur.
I sound her meaning, first ile gull my Nephew.
Win.
Her intent right, she intends to make a Gull
of the Prince, and an absolute Goose of you.
Lur.
Still good in Law, ile fetch him ore of all,
Get all, pursse all, and be possest of all,
And then conclude the match, marrie at least,
When can you tell? Ile vse her as a hand
To picke the Princes coffers, and for reward
To prison, marrie her, for tricks can doo't,
The worlds squint-eyd, and dares not prie into our actions.
Here lyes her walke (my Lute Win) she shall see,
Youthe's leaden footed in respect of me.
Play and daunce.
Enter Emilia.
Em.
Win, prethee giue the Fidler a testar and send
him packing, what a scraping the roague keepes?
doe's a thinke the Count keeps a Tauerne or a Bawdie-house?
my good Lord! beseech your honour
pardon me.
Lu.
No harme sweet Loue, how dost thou like this
Caper?
Em.
Passing wel my Lord, wil you neuer leaue these
coltish tricks? but to the matter: I sent you my resolution
by your Maid, haue you receiu'd it.
Lur.
I haue, and it holds currant,
Then tender me possession.
Of what?
Lur.
Of thy chast loue.
Em.
Not too much hast for that, you haue a wife.
Lur.
I had one.
Em.
And still haue.
Lur.
Thy loue shall quickly wed her to her graue,
I nere did loue her.
Em.
When she was a maide
You swore you did, how soon poore youth's betraid
To helplesse ruine: doe you loue me?
Lur.
I faith.
Em.
For how long?
Lur.
Till death.
Em.
O deadly lye.
Ile tell you iust how long, loue's bred i'th blood,
Prospers as long as beauties in the bud.
When beautie withers, lustfull loue growes colde,
And ere it be halfe ripe, tis rotten old.
If you haue me, you must not put on yellowes,
Ile haue my felfe, my servant and my fellowes.
My loue, my liking, and a second me,
I loue to rellish sweet varietie:
Your old wife mou'd you, I shall vex you more.
Take Coach with Gallants euen afore your dore.
Take Rings, giue bracelets wouen of my haire,
Which to spight you, my Seruants arme shall weare.
Ile in your presence sit vppon his knee,
Exchanging kisses if you speake to me.
Ile pout in scorne, crie mew, and looke aside,
At which, if you but frowne, ile roundly chide,
I am not as I seeme, dissembling wit
Is my best meanes.
Lur.
Square to my humour fit.
Em.
I was a Beggar borne.
Lur.
And so was I.
Em.
Traded in lust and gainefull brothelrie.
Lur.
The fitter for my turne, I was a man
Borne to no hopes, but a few shreds of witt
Dealing for priuate vse twixt man and man,
and by close broakeage set them at debate:
Incenst them vnto Law, which to maintaine,
I lent them money vpon Lands and Plate,
After the rate of seauen-score in the hundred.
Then did I learne to countefeit mens hands,
Noble-mens armes, interline Euidences,
Make false conueyances, yet with a trick,
Close and cock-sure, I cony-catch'd the world.
Hauing scrap'd prettie wealth, I fell in League
With my first wife, and (though I say't my selfe)
She had good dooings, her backe commings in
And priuate goings out, rais'd me aloft:
I followed cases of the law abroad,
and she wae merrie with her friends at home.
Em.
Did you nere take her kissing?
Lur.
Twentie times.
Em.
Were you not Iealious?
Lur.
Neuer nothing lesse.
Em.
Yet saw her kisse with Strangers.
Lu.
Kisse and play.
Em.
And were you a Cuckold.
Lu.
Cuckold by this light.
Em.
What? a wittall.
Lur.
And a Wittall too.
Em.
And knew't?
Lur.
And knew't.
Em.
And sufferd it.
Lur.
I did.
Lur.
It went attirde in golde, a golden Crest,
Is a braue fashion, and accounted best.
Enter Winifride.
Wen.
Madam, my Lord.
Lur.
What newes?
Win.
The Prince.
The Prince.
Win.
And Iulio.
Lur.
Which way?
Em.
Where?
Lu.
From thence.
Win.
That way the vault, from thence the priuate
dore, as I stood Centinell at the further end of the
Vault, they being vnacquainted with the turnings,
came gtoping and feeling, as commonly men wil do
especially in a strange place, and as I am true sinner,
had I not spyed the Diamōd on his finger (twinne, to
this a my conscience) they had beene vpon me in the
darke ere I had bene aware of them.
Lu.
The Prince.
Win.
And Iulio.
Em.
Quick away.
Lu.
What plot?
Em.
Behinde the Arras? scapt behinde the Arras.
Lu.
Behinde the Arras.
Em.
Close, cocke, sure, be wise,
They onely thriue that best can temporize.
Enter Polymetes and Iulio.
Pol.
A rare vault by this light, and neuer deuis'd
without the aduice of a grand Iurie of Bawdes, a
word with your lips Tris.
Win.
As god mend me Prince you smell bawdie.
Pol.
Since I came into thy company Win. And how
ist Tris? fore-God a prettie lodging.
Iul.
And verie faire hangings.
Pol.
Passing good workman-ship, what storie is
this Tris?
Em.
Why my Lord? the Poeticall fiction of Venus
kissing Adonis in the violet bed.
Iul.
Fore-god tis true, and marke where the Cuckoldly
knaue Vulcan stands sneaking behinde the
Pol.
A prettie conceit Iulio, doost see Vulcan with
the horning parenthesis in his fore-head! I hit indirectly
vpon the leaft pap at three passes for a hundred
Crownes.
Iul.
Not for a hundred.
Pol.
Ist a match?
Iul.
Tis done, where will you take your stand?
Pol.
Here, any where, hart has the Arras an ague, it
trembles so?
Em.
No, Vulcans fearefull.
Pol.
And with a feare it comes, haue at the Cuckold.
Lur.
Oh!
Pol.
Harke, the Arras is in labour.
Iul.
Mas I heard something groane.
Poly.
Ile be the Mid-wife and helpe to deliuer it.
Em.
Sweet Prince.
Pol.
Harke Wench, I smell Bores grease.
Em.
Will you but heare me?
Pol.
Now excuse what tricke?
She whispers to him.
Em.
How? but a Picture? ile trie that presently,
If you loue me, disfigure it not, I esteeme it onely for
the liuely workmanship.
Pol.
Then let me haue a sight on't.
Em.
Vpon condition youle neither deface it with
weapon, nor soile it with your breath—
Pol.
On my Virginities maiden-head wee will not
discouer Lurdo behinde the Arras.
Iul.
Hart a the Deuill, your Vncle.
Pol.
O forbeare, fore God passing good workman
indeede.
Em.
Marke but the glance of his eye.
Iul.
The hanging of his neither lip.
Pol.
The blush of his cheeke.
Win.
The curle of his haire.
The pit of a chin.
Iul.
What a smooth hand a hath?
Iul.
Long fingers like a Lady.
Win.
Not so much but a seale Ring.
Pol.
Armes and all, viz a tame Gudgeon.
Em.
And the foole swallowes it rarely, & you marke
him.
Pol.
Is the numbe Asse insensible of Scoffes?
Ile touch him neerer, yet mine eye deceiues me,
And this be not Count Lurdoes counterfeit.
Iul.
You may soone know that my Lord.
Pol.
As How?
Iul.
If it be his, a hath the Gowte in his left foote,
Poll.
The verie same, his shoe is cut and all,
Farwell Tris, and yet ile startle him a little better afore
we leaue him, fore-god tis so like him, I doubt,
wether it be the shadow or his substance.
Iul.
A blocke.
Em.
A shadow.
Win.
A meere sencelesse stone.
Pol.
Then tis a counterfeit.
Em.
An absolute counterfeit, what doe you
meane?
Pol.
Marrie many Counterfeits walke in the likenesse
of good mony, and so may this doe, which to
preuent ile naile him to a poast, for feare a passe currant
on your lips in my absence, and so deceiue me?
Em.
Ile sweare a shall not, gentle Prince be short,
Length kils the heart of the moste feeling sport.
Pol.
Well Maiden, I am content, this iest shall repriue
your head for this once, but beware the next encounter,
come Ariadnes clew, will you vnwinde, and
light vs through this vault of darkenesse, and theres
your Naulum.
Win.
Thanke you my Lord, and your businesse
stand this way at midnight, ile let you in by this token,
and take this frō me, when you come againe, bring the
cā tel you these same paultrie stones are in high request
amongst Ladies, especially such old mowsers as I haue
beene in my time, & as I say when you come, be not asham'd
to knock, and if I come not knocke lustely, and
again, and neuer giue ouer knocking till you heare my
hem, did you neuer know Wins hem?
Pol.
Neuer.
Iul.
Why hast thou a priuate hem?
Win.
Haue I? I faith sir I, few Gallants ith the town
that are of any standing at all, but are acquainted with
my hem, but come close my Lord, close, & besure the
next time you come you doe not forget to knock lustily,
Exeunt, manent Lurdo and Emilia
Em.
My Lord.
Lu.
My Loue, my life, oh thou art made
Out of the soule of wit, and thy conceits,
Of the best fashion.
Em.
Did you taste the iest?
Lu:
Diuinely, oh diuinely, tart and quick,
Pleasing, yet not teadious I was wrapt
Em.
In a knaues skin.
Lur.
My sences were entranc'd.
Em.
Into a fooles Paradice.
Lur.
Oh my sweet Phœnix, out of thy ashes.
Em.
Is your loue so hot, you meane to burne me?
Lur.
Oh! it honnyed me,
And then their numnesse, didst thou neuer reade
Of any Lawyer came to be Duke?
Em.
Neuer, but I haue heard of a Cuckold that was an
Vsurper.
Lur.
Why such a one would I be.
Em.
What, a Cuckold?
Lur.
Yes, and an Vsurper too.
Em.
So you are, for you Lawyers vsurpe more crowns
then halfe a Countrie.
Vlisses, Tully, Lawyers, but no Dukes.
Em.
Menelaus and Vulcan were Cuckolds but no
Lawyers.
Lur.
Fore-mee tis true, but now I doe remember
nought to that purpose:
Em.
The most lustfull Goates
Weare guilded hornes, and goe in Veluet Coates.
Enter Win.
Lu.
What newes Win?
Win.
Faith ordinarie houshold newes, yonders a wel-fac'd
Gentleman craues a may change a word with
you.
Lur.
His name?
Win.
Horatio.
Lur.
Leaue vs to confer.
Exeunt ambo
A trustie friends, the soules high Treasurer.
Enter Horatio
In dumps Horatio? what, my second selfe clowded
with passion?
Hor.
O my honor'd Lord,
Our soules and our affections are made all of one fashion
now the slightest wrong that scars the reputation of my
friend, stabs daggers to my heart.
Lu.
I know it true, and I can proou't,
Our loues are twinnes,
But to the wrong, dares any idle tongue
Barke at our greatnes?
Hor.
Yes.
Lur.
Their names?
Hor.
Your wife.
Lur.
My wife? the manner?
Hor.
Mongst her lustfull Mates,
She shame's not to giue out, that by your greatnesse,
knowledge, credit, and friends in highest place,
You haue diuorc'd her without due desert.
Lur.
We must demurre of this, ile haue a tricke
This talking Gossip, come Horatio,
Some proiect, how? what course for her remoue:
Hor.
I cannot counsell, but fore-god my Lord,
My lodgings mightily annoy'd with rats,
That eate my papers and deface my books
How should I rid them.
Lur.
Easily, poison them,
And well remembred, this she Rat my wife,
That eates and teares the leaues of my repute,
Shall taste like speeding Phisicke in thine eare,
Canst temper poison?
Hor.
Yes.
Lur.
And kill a Rat.
Hor.
That she shall neuer swell on't.
Lur.
Mum for that,
This she Rat is a Deuill.
Hor.
A Limbe of Sathan.
Lur.
Enuy.
Hor.
Destruction.
Lur.
Mallice.
Hor.
Ratsbane doo't?
Lur.
Ere my disgrace get age, rare tricks and I
Will foole the world, woo't, doo't?
Hor.
The Rate shall die.
Exeunt seuerally.
Enter Countesse, three or foure young Gentlewomen, sowing by an houre-glasse.
Cou.
Quick prettie Damsels, that your task were done
The fore-noones eldest minutes almost runne.
1 Gen.
Then the glasse runs to fast.
Con.
I thinke not so,
Hadst thou my cares, thoudst think it ran too slow.
2 Gen.
I haue my taske for sooth.
Co.
So haue not I.
I turne them with the glasse, the glasse is run,
Yet my hudge masse of cares is scarse begun,
Here's a fault, little one what worke make you.
1 Gen.
True stitch forsooth.
Count.
Then see you worke it true.
3 Gent.
Pray madam teach me to take out this knot
Of hearts ease.
Count.
Hearts ease, I haue almost forgot,
I could haue wrought it well when I was young:
But in good sadnesse, I haue had none long.
What's that?
2 Gent.
A branch of Rue.
Count.
A comon weede,
of all herbes else I worke that well indeede,
how chance your flower is behinde the glasse?
2 Gen.
Indeede Ile get it vp:
Coun.
Indeede alas.
I cannot chide with her, yet tyrant care,
At my intreate will not one sight forbeare:
2 Gen.
Why sigh you madam?
Cou.
Oh I greeue to see,
Youth run to cath at their owne misery.
You are like Aprill or Rose buds in May,
You neuer wither, till the wedding day,
Euen so did I, so pretty soules will you,
Youth wears mild Hearts ease, marriage bitter Rue.
2 Gen.
Be not so sad, good madam, do but smile,
Weele haue a song sad sorrow to beguille.
Cantant.
Enter Horatio.
Her.
Saue you faire Ladies, madam, my businesse
leads me to you.
Execæteræ.
Coun.
If in your antient suite,
My eares are deafned and my vtterance mute.
Ho.
Your eare, be wood, what shold beget this coynes
I would comend thee, but I know the worlde.
Lodging is costly, maintenance askes charge:
Thou art diuorc'd and hast no other helpe,
But thy bare comings in: accept my Loue,
I will allow thee twenty pound a quarter.
To buy thee Pinnes.
Count
Leaue this ymodest suite.
Or by my honor—
Hor.
Come, these words of course
My fame, myne honor, and my deare respect:
Are but like Ignes fatui to delude,
Greene and vnseason'd wits, pry thee be kinde,
A guilded slip carryes as faire a show,
As perfect gold, guilt honor may do so
Count.
But put your slip to triall, the slight gold,
Is soone rubd of:
Hor.
Come, thy distinctions solde
Let not thy Aprill bewty like a Rose,
Fade in the bud, and ripened pleasures lose,
My sword thy honor: thy estate my purse,
Shall man and strenghten,
Count.
I detest that course.
Hor.
Your husband hath a sweete heart:
Count.
For his ill.
Shall I turne traitor & myne own fame kill?
Hor.
Tis dead already, euery idle tongue,
Stabs it to death.
Count.
I haue the greater wrong.
Hor.
Thou wrongst thy selfe & spurnst thy proper good
Am I not youthfull see my wanton blood
Daunceth within my vaines, and blushing, Courts
Thy generous bewty to more amorous sports,
You shall not choose.
Count.
hands of.
Hor.
I loue thee deere.
Count.
I hate thee deadly.
Doost thou?
Con.
Shall I sweare?
Ho.
No, ile beleeue thee Phœnix of thy sex,
I glorie in thy vertues, and reueale,
What by my oath I promisd to conceale.
Your iealious husband vrgde me to this tryall,
Pawning his oath vpon your strict denyall,
all bastard Iealosie should be exilde,
and antient loue entirely reconsilde.
I touch'd your heart, and now I finde it true,
Ile giue you notice, ile impoison you.
Co.
Thou speak'st all comfort.
Hor.
I was made of hope.
and rich perfourmance waits vpon my words.
Cou.
Father of my faire fortunes, whose rich loue
begets this reuniting couenant,
When comes this long expected sealing day?
Hor.
To morrow, the houre eight.
Cou.
Certaine?
Hor.
As life.
Cou.
Then follow mee to feast,
Thy newes Horatio is the Welcomst guest.
Exit
Hor.
Swell heart, hold bosom, yeeld not to relent,
and yet her beautie, colourable trash,
Her vertues, vengeance Hypocriticall,
I loue her, furie, poison, Hidraes gall,
Impatience man me, blacke damnation
Vsher my practice, poyson play thy part,
and doe my latest greetings to her heart.
We all must downe, yet here the difference lyes.
Many for sins, she for her vertue dyes.
Exit.
| Lavv-Trickes or, VVho VVould Have Thovght It | |