 | A Pleasant and VVitty Comedy : Called, A New Tricke to Cheat the Divell |  |
Actus primus
Scæna prima.
Enter Slightall, and Mistresse Anne.Slightall.
I doe protest.
An.
Come, you flatter mee.
Sl.
May I perish then, if ever thought was
Harbour'd in this brest,
That did intend you harme;
Your Father hath consented you shall be mine;
Your Mother still holds off: but having yours,
I care not who withstands;
I am fixt your Servant and true Lover.
An.
And I thine, in spight of Father, Mother, kinsfolkes,
Friends; thy Anne will ne're forsake thee.
Sl.
Then here my dearest, doe I plight a vow,
And sweare by thy owne vertuous grace and sweetnesse,
By those intrammell'd Raies, those star-like eyes
Endymion blushes on; those Ruby lippes,
By rocks of pearle, by these joyn'd hands, and all things
That have tyed my love to thine; Ile ne're forsake thee.
An.
Slightall, My vow is fix'd, no more, my Father.
(Enter Changeable.
Chan.
I have over-heard all,
My blessing on you both:
Slightall, I love thee, and am glad th'hast sped;
How I have pleaded for thee, Minion, you know.
An.
Father I doe, pray you for a while
Conceale it from my Mother.
Chan.
Feare not that wench, how I have labour'd with her
You know well, but no consent from her, it is impossible:
What I have stor'd for thee high Heaven does know,
But 'tis my love, which stil continues to this wayward Girle
Who never could have pleas'd her Father better
Then in this mutuall and conjoyn'd assent.
Ent. Mrs. Changable, & Mr. Treatwell.
Further I would proceed, but see, my wife
Consorted with a stranger.
Wi.
Sir, here's a gentleman (Slightall so neere?)
Desires your conference (no devise at all
To shift him hence?) His businesse craves dispatch,
And is of serious urgence; 'twould become
Your modesty to spare us some few minutes,
Since it no whit concernes you.
Chan.
He shall stay, hee's now ingraft a scien in our Family:
Therefore what us concernes must needs touch him,
Sonne, sonne, be constant to your place I charge you.
Wi.
Sonne?
Chan.
Remove for no man, now sir speake your mind.
Tre.
What in a place so publique?
Chan.
Yes, even here,
Tre.
A place more private would become my message,
And give it gentle hearing.
Wi.
Pray with draw, it comes from a great man.
Chan.
Came it from on of the Guard, from Sir Iohn Falstaffe?
Nay, Hercules himselfe; with bumbast limbes
It should have publique audience.
Wi.
Daughter, a word.
Chan.
Now your bigge man, name him I pray.
From the yong Lord Skales.
Chan.
I cry you mercy, my honourable friend, I pray
What service will't please him to command us?
Wi.
Listen unto't, 'tis all for your preferment.
Sl.
Feare and doubt perplex me equally.
Tre.
The Lord my Master, to whom the fame of
Your faire Daughters beauty hath throng'd by infinite
Tongues, hath in his breast
Tooke such a strong impression, that hee's pleas'd
(So your consent and his may paralell)
To make her his faire Bride.
Chan.
How spake you that?
Wi.
You shall be a great Lady.
Chan.
His faire Bride?
Wi.
And take place of al Knights wives in the Shiere.
Tre.
Sir, I have full Commission from his mouth
To treat so much; and what I undertake
He hath engag'd his honour to make good.
Wi.
His honour? so you shall be honourable,
Be every day Caroach'd; and ride in state.
An.
A Lady, and Caroach'd?
Tre.
Pray sir, your answer.
Chan.
I wish his Lordship had not sent so late,
My word is pass'd unto this gentleman;
Which to my power I will not change, nor breake
For any King or Keisar.
Wi.
But you shall sir, and send his Lordship satisfaction
Even to his best desire; tell him from me
She shall attend his pleasure; you shall, Nan,
Vse him with all obsequious reverence,
And gladly embrace his motion; Girle, you shall.
Chan.
Without our approbation?
Wi.
Forward sir, if you withstand the fortune of your Daughter
In this tract of preferment with out yours.
Send him faire humble language, doe my wench
Accept his noble pleasure, and returne him
Courteous and loving thankes; thinke what it is
To be attended, honoured, and advanc'd.
An.
My Lady Anne?
Wi.
How poore and slightly Mistresse Slightall sounds?
An.
Good troth and so it doth.
Tre.
But Donna Anne, Madona, Madam, Lady,
What breadth those Titles beare?
An.
And so they doe.
Wi.
Mistris? thou shalt have such to be thy servants,
And curchy to thee when thou turn'st thy head;
Bow at each nod, and make their Farthingales,
At every word thou speak'st, to kisse their heeles.
Sl.
Well pleaded Grannam Eve.
Chan.
What should I say? or how in equall
Ballance beare my selfe?
Wi.
Footmen, Pages, and your gentlemen Ushers,
Walke bare before you.
An.
Bare before me? well.
Chan.
For all the stiles of honour in the World,
I would not breake my faith.
Wi,
Where I was wont to call thee baggage, Nan,
And paltry Girle, I must not dare to speake to your
Honour, without a Prologue of some halfe an houre long,
Which must begin, an't please your Ladiship.
An.
'Tis passing good an't please my Ladiship.
Chan.
Son Slightall, for that Title Ile still fasten
Upon thy name, advise me' what shall we doe?
Tre.
Me thinkes the motion might be faire and even,
To make her mistresse of her owne free thoughts
And chuse where she best likes.
Wi.
Weele stand to that, let it be put to her.
Chan.
Son, what say you?
Sl.
In her knowne love I am so confident,
And of her faith so constantly assur'd,
So void of all distrust; that I give backe
All interest, Title, claime, and Ceremony
T'attend a second Censure. Mristris Changeable,
You now are your owne woman.
Wi.
Madam, may it please you take a second choise?
Here's Gentry, and here's Honour, Mrs. or Madam.
A single ambling Nag, or a Caroach
With foure, foure great Dutch Mares; a private Gentlewoman
Or a great Lady, my worship, or my honour;
To be a Wife to a Squire of low Degree,
Or a Lord Baron: Gentry shall give place,
And in a puff'd stile his Lordship Ile embrace.
Thus, Slightall, I thy Title will out-strip,
That all may say, there goes my Ladyship.
Wi.
You have your answer Slightall, and good sir,
Returne this to my Lord.
Chan.
Sir be my witnesse, I have no hand in this.
Exeunt all but Slightall.
Sl.
All come to this? shone the Sun bright i'th' morne
To be ere Noone envelopp'd in this Cloud?
To be forsooke, despised, and disgrac'd
All for a verball Title? shall I avenge me
On the proud Don, or this his changeable stuffe?
Whose name and disposition suite so well:
Something I must, but in the interim
Never to fixe a constant thought againe
Upon that Moone-like sexe: Ile weigh them all,
Poore, rich, old, yong, and middle Age alike;
Make no distinction 'twixt the loose and chast,
The Matron and the wanton, women kind;
For the so base inconstancy of one,
Henceforth Ile forme my selfe alike to all:
Licentiousnesse shall be my Mistresse now,
Voluptuous pleasure, riot and excesse
My future study; Ile let loose desire
And appetite unbridled; and the more
Of that intemperate Sexe I can corrupt
Count it my greatest deede of Charity:
And for thy sake, thou falsest faire; I vow
Affection and all loyall Love t'abjure,
Striving to make the clearest streames impure.
Scæn. 2.
Enter Usurer, and his Scrivener.Usu.
How goes the newes o'th' Change?
Scri.
Faith never worse, Merchants are wary,
Tradsmen provident, Artificers turn'd frugall, and I thinke
All the World will prove good husbands.
Usu.
Better they, with halfe a number of that thrifty world
Were three parts hang'd; but so much for the City:
What newes in Holborne, Fleet-street, and the Strand?
In th'Ordinaries among Gallants, no young Heires
There to be snapp'd?
Scri.
Th'have bin so bit already
With taking up Commodities of browne paper,
Buttons past fashion, silkes, and Sattins,
Babies, and Childrens Fiddles, with like trash
Tooke up at a deare rate, and sold for trifles
That now scarce one will bite.
Usu.
What a world's this? what will't grow to in th'end?
Scri.
Faith sir Heaven knowes,
We Scriveners fare the worse by't.
Usu.
How smart wee then?
We Mony Masters, from whose bagges you feede,
And without whom your Pens would cast no Inke?
Nor your VVaxe take impression: none in chace?
Scri.
Yes, sir, I have one Spung that could you squeeze him,
Would yeeld good substance.
Scri.
Is he well possess'd?
Scri.
Yes sir, he hath in Acres glebe and medow,
Upland, and Dale, in woods and arrable;
And though in name a private Gentleman,
Yet hath he three faire Lordships, besides Sheepe-walkes,
Parkes, and other large Demesnes.
Usu.
And will he fell?
Scri.
I have dealt closely with a man of his
To undermine him, one that soothes him up
In all his riots, quarrells with his thrifty,
Leades him to Game and guzzle in Vaulting houses,
Usu.
An honest fellow, Ile warrant him;
Can hee doe ought in this?
Scri.
Hee's one to whom he trusts his whole Estate,
And can doe all things with him: In these Lands
I promis'd him, if when they were in sayle
That I might bring his Chapman; a round summe,
To which he seem'd to listen.
Usu.
'Twas well scented,
Nor shalt thou lose by't: there's a share for thee;
Acquaint me with the further Circumstance,
In which I would be perfect.
Enter Roger and Geffrey, 2. Servingmen.
Rog.
I doe not like this shufling.
Gef.
What Roger, al amort, me thinkes th'art off o'th' hookes?
Rog.
Yes 'faith, and Henges too, I'me almost desperate,
And care not how I am.
Gef.
Faith I was never on a merrier pinn,
Nor my breast lighter hearted.
Rog.
More Rogue thou.
Gef.
Ha?
Rog.
So, and if thou beest not pleas'd with that,
Thou must prepare for worse.
Gef.
Thou wilt not swagger, Hodge?
Rog.
Faith scarce with thee, thou art not worth my anger
Gef.
Are we not of one House?
Rog.
Yes, but I hope we ne're shall be of one heart,
My fellow no better than a Pander?
Gef.
Pander?
Rog.
Yes, would that were all, a Traytor to that House
Where thou hadst thy first Bread, and almost thy being;
Thy making I am sure, but ne're that poyson
That swells so in thy bosome: My good old Master,
Heaven rest his soule, uprising, and downe lying,
Kept twenty stout tall fellowes, whom thy basenesse
Hath shrunke to two already; if this Ryot
To which thou still perswad'st the young man hold,
We shall be none, he nothing.
Gef.
I could answer thee, but that I spy two Gentlemen,
Scri.
That's the man.
Usu.
And to me none more welcome.
Scri.
Is it done?
Gef.
All's plotted, we want money, sell we must,
The rate we live at must have fresh supply;
Ile give you the whole project.
Rog.
Get you together, for a true-love knot
Tyed by the Divell, may his Dam unloose it,
For I shall never: a Scrivener, an Usurer, and a Pimpe,
All joyn'd in one, to ruine a yong hopefull Gentleman.
Now are they turning an old three mens Song,
We be knaves all three, mount your notes aloft;
For he that I nam'd last will beare the burthen;
A load best fitting him, you'le find him one day
A fellow of excellent carriage, hee'le beare with you,
Because he loves you so: So now all's plotted
Exeunt all three.
And there's a Lordship, or a Mannour at least
Gone at one lift: but what to doe with money,
Of which the least is like to come to him
That hath most interest in't; some to the Pot,
Part to the Pipe, not least share to the smocke:
And what remaines to gaudifie the backe,
Must fill the Cheaters pocket; oh my old Master,
Should thy soule see this, it would suffer for't,
As my heart bleedes to thinke of't.
Enter Slightall, & 2. Gentlemen.
Gen. 1.
But did she breake so with you?
Sl.
Worse than a shop-keeper, that hath
Run long behind hand.
Gen. 2.
Slight you so?
Sl.
S'foot, like a puffe, a Feather; 'tis my Lord
Must deale in whole-sale with her Lady ware,
And I am quite casheir'd.
Gen. 1.
Troth I commend you, that, so loving her,
You doe not tak't to heart.
Sl.
A heart? at heele; that poore worme, Love,
Which some doe stile a God;
I thus tread underfoot, stampe on his shaft,
I once lov'd beyond thought, but when I saw
My troth so bafled, and my faith despis'd;
I set it at defiance, and I now
Will be for all, or any.
Gen. 1.
What, so generall, I pray? is't possible
One that hath lov'd sincerely, as you say
You once did, should with such an easinesse
Change his affection?
Sl.
I can teach thee do't.
Gen. 2.
Good, prompt us that.
Sl.
I love all fashions, features, formes and faces,
Proportions, sexes, ages, and degrees,
Discretions, wits, disposures, callings, places,
Indowments, faculties, and all alike;
Since one hath fail'd, I affect all as any, any as one.
Gen. 1.
This is not possible.
Rog.
I pitty the young Monster.
Sl.
For example, Ile teach thee how to love
The loathed'st Creature; Marry I must turne Poeticall.
Gen. 1.
Prompt us that.
Sl.
Nay I must be in rime too.
Gen. 2.
All is pardon'd.
Sl.
Then thus I doe begin;
Dissemble every fault in their Complexions.
And take no notice of their imperfections:
Andromeda was belly, sides, and backe
To Perseus seene, he did not tearme her blacke;
Andromache was of too large a stature,
One loving Hector prais'd her gifts of nature.
To her whose skin was blacke as Ebone was
I have said ere now, Oh, 'tis a Nut-browne Lasse.
Or if she lookt a squint (as I am true
So Venus look'd) if she be bleake of hew;
Pale, for the World, like Pallas; be she growne
By Iove, Minerva up and downe,
If she be tall, then for her height commend her,
If she be leane, like envy terme her slender.
Is but full fat, and Daphne she is like.
She that is Dwarfish, name her light, and quicke;
And call her well set, this is grubbed thicke.
Rog.
Is this your Lesson? curse upon that Tutor
That read you this damn'd Lesson.
Sl.
This was Ovid; how approve you these his precepts?
Gen. 2.
Excellent Tutor.
Rog.
Or rather excellent Divell.
Sl.
I could instruct you in a Thousand such.
And never trouble Memory.
Rog.
To what the poxe, will this your practise bring you?
In these dayes men doe sell their Lands, their Fortunes,
And their Estates to purchase them diseases.
Sl.
Rog?
Rog.
Sir.
Sl.
Provide me a good lusty Lasse to night,
I purpose to be merry.
Rog.
Sir, not I.
Sl.
I care not of what humour, face, or feature,
So thou canst find one impudent enough;
Search all the Allyes, Spittle, or Pickt-hatch,
Turnball, the Banke side, or the Minories,
White Fryers, St. Peters Street, and Mutton Lane,
So thou canst find one to disgrace her sexe,
She best shall please my Pallat,
Rog.
He hath ill tast, that loves to feede on Carrion.
Sl.
Get me likewise a noise of Fidlers, and a supper too,
Equall with that which old Vitellius made,
When Art would exceed Nature; had I beene he
And had his rich Exchequor, I would have fed
On nothing but Earths choisest rarities,
Drunke nought but Pearle dissolv'd.
Rog.
Pray sir a word:
Can this world last ever? you sell, and sell,
But when the mony is spent, are you resolv'd
To feede on Huskes, and Acornes? I am plaine,
How many monthes did your old Fathers spend
Ha, doth this startle you? I am trusty Roger,
And so you still shall find me: did he compasse
That competent Estate he left to you
By Fidlers whores, and Cheaters? looke you big?
Nay sir, I can affront you; where be now
Those furnish'd Tables, whose long backes did bend
With Chines of Beefe, and Chargers, feasting both
Neighbours and strangers? are they
Ryotted on lifts and whiflers?
Gen. 1.
Name you any here?
Rog.
If none be gall'd, you have no cause to wince,
But if you be, then Figo.
Gen. 2.
Here's none such.
Rog.
Then doe not interrupt me: Baudes and Whores,
Panders and Pimpes, did he keepe such about him?
I hope none here are touch'd; call him to mind, sir,
And thinke upon his worthy memory,
And how you loose your selfe.
Sl.
My servants servant? slave, fetch me straight a Whore.
Rog.
An Office fit for none but slaves, I am none;
You had best bid these that are acquainted with them.
Sl.
These are Gentlemen, my friends, and my Companions.
Rog.
If they be Gentlemen, let them shew them such,
That is t'abhorre those vices you are wrapt with.
Sl.
Ile have Musicke, and the choisest Cates the Citty can
Afford, and wine in abundance.
Rog.
And pay all.
Sl.
Yes, all and some.
Rog.
But some must sure repent it, when all is gone and wasted.
Sl.
Pox upon you, we shall have you turne Puritan,
Leave big mouth'd Oathes to sweare by yea and nay;
Th'art not for me, give me a man can roare,
Shew hackes upon his Sword, bristle, looke big,
Knowes all the Postures of a true Duello;
Give and retort the lye in his full nature:
Can weigh and drinke by measure all, or halfe
To a rundle, or the circuit of a haire,
And,
And without frownes or grumbling still attend
(Ent. Geffry
On my free humours: Geffrey, well return'd, the newes?
Gef.
I have gone through sir.
Rog.
So would my sword had thee.
Sl.
We shall have money then?
Gef.
A Thousand pounds brought in to night.
Sl.
On what conditions, Geffrey?
Gef.
Trifles sir, acknowledging a Statute, nothing else;
'Tis finisht in a moment.
Sl.
And Ile doe it; In th'interim goe, bespeake us delicates
The best and choicest, the dearer they shall prove
The better they will taste; Wenches too, Geffrey,
Thou know'st my mind, thou see'st our number.
Gef.
Three sir.
Sl.
Unlesse thy selfe wilt make a fourth with us,
And bring (with thee for thine owne appetite)
Some courser stuffe to keepe thee Company,
And sit at the buy Table.
Gef.
It shall be done, Ile be your Mercury.
Sl.
And Musicke Geffrey.
Gef.
If any thing to whet dull appetite,
To heighten pleasure, and inflame delight
Be this night wanting, ere Sun rise to morrow
Cashiere me from your service.
Sl.
Here's a fellow, whose industry doth merit double hire,
Of a free Countenance and a light appetite,
When this still frowning grim and surly sir,
Has nothing in his face but melancholly,
And in his tongue repining.
Rog.
You'le one day find the difference.
Sl.
Come Gentlemen, shall we to Cardes,
And spend an houre at Gleeke?
Gen. 1.
No better motion.
Rog.
Game too, all will helpe to send a man a going.
Gen. 2.
Sixe penny Gleeke?
Sl.
Faith Twelve pence if you please.
I am content.
Rog.
And so is he too, to be gleek'd of all.
Sl.
What, will you please to attend us some few houres,
In absence of your fellow?
Rog.
Yes, so there be no whores in Company,
But rather then feast where they shall domineere,
And bold Rampalian like, sweare and drinke drunke,
Ile feede on Cheese, and Onions; and in stead
Of healthing, quench my thirst with frighted water.
Sl.
Well sir, will you follow?
Rog.
I will not haunt him as the Divell doth,
But for once I will dogge him.
Exeunt all.
| A Pleasant and VVitty Comedy : Called, A New Tricke to Cheat the Divell | |