University of Virginia Library

EPIGRAMS.

A MAN OF PROMISE.

When Hal protests he'll keep his word,
He says so very much about it;
From his own warmth may be infer'd
That there's prodigious cause to doubt it.

ON THE SPLENDID FUNERAL OF A MISER.

Rich Gripe, to gain a liberal name
Kept open house too late;
For that was only once, says fame,
And then—he lay in state.

Crescit amor nummi, quantum ipsa pecunia crescit.

Ten thousand pounds Avarus had before
His father died, and left him twenty more.
Till then, a roll and egg he could allow,
But eggs grow dear, a roll must dine him now.

SECOND SIGHT.

Scotus, you say, has lost his Mate,
Yet bears it with a manly woe:—
Why he, poor man, foresaw his fate,
So chose another—months ago.

A MAN OF PUNCTUALITY.

Hal sent me word he'd dine with me
Precisely at the hour of three;
But, meeting with some tavern-goer,
Agreed to join his mess at four.
With which d'ye think he kept his word?
“Perhaps with both.” No, friend the third
Happen'd to cross him on his way,
And he with him has pass'd the day.

ON A SELF-APPLAUDER.

To speak in Nimium's praise I'd plan'd,
But he out-plans me hollow:
And he's so much the abler hand,
I can't attempt to follow.

SENTIMENTAL CHARITY.

TEMPORA MUTANTUR.

Serenus and his loving Wife
Shar'd all the sweets of tranquil life:
One only wish compos'd their pray'r,
And this was granted in an heir.
But since young Master turn'd their quiet
To sleepless nights, and days of riot;
And servants growl, and nurses scold'em,
Their house becomes too hot to hold'em.

ON A CLERICAL GAMESTER.

What, can he be a teacher of moral regards
Who reads us a Sunday-night lecture on cards?
Who cites “Hoyle on Whist” both in chapter and verse,
With the orthodox chances of silling a purse?
Tells of eighty odd pounds, in a family way,
He won at a sitting—by dint of mere play!
Counted thirteen by cards, in revokes and in tricks,
And ne'er flinch'd all the evening from seven to six;
But took odds on each point his opponent could name,
And call'd this improvement, I think, on the game.
O! if such be a Priest whom promotion delights,
Ordain him Arch-Deacon of Weltje's and White's.

A QUERY.

Ben says the rudest, grossest things,
Then swears he never thought to teaze you:
But Ben, was Ralph to kick your shins,
Would you believe he meant to please you?

ON A FEMALE WASP.

Vespa has such a captious sense,
At every word she takes offence;
But what more lamentable makes it,
Gives it still oft'ner than she takes it.

AN APPEAL.

Quid pro quo?

When last we met, I heard from Will,
That all his friends had us'd him ill:—
Now by his friends, both great and lesser,
I'm told that Will was the aggressor.—
How in this case must judgment run,
For many plaintiffs—or for one?

La Consolation dérniére.

Do you not pity honest Ned,
Whose jealous wife ding-dongs him,
Till every comfort else is fled,
But knowing that she wrongs him.

TO A FRIEND, ON HIS BEING LAMPOONED.

Why seem surpris'd that ribald Sly
O'er you his Grub-street bounty scatters?—
When a full mud-cart passes by,
Tis odds that you escape the spatters.

ON A DULL DIVINE WHO PREACHED UP “PATIENCE.”

The use of “Patience” Somnolus explains
In tedious, torpid, sleep-seducing strains;
And sure his hearers edified must be,
Who learn the practice with the theory.

MORAL ARITHMETIC.

Flam, to my face, is oft' too kind,
He over-rates both worth and talents:
But then he never fails, I find,
When we're apart—to strike the balance.