The Works of Peter Pindar [i.e. John Wolcot] ... With a Copious Index. To which is prefixed Some Account of his Life. In Four Volumes |
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| IX. | ODE IX. |
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 | The Works of Peter Pindar [i.e. John Wolcot] |  |
ODE IX.
The gossiping Peter telleth a strange Story, and true, though strange—Seemeth to entertain no very elevated Opinions of the Wisdom of Kings—Hinteth at the narrow Escape of Sir Joshua Reynolds—Mr. Ramsay's Riches—A Recommendation of Flattery as a Specific in Fortune-making.
I'm told, and I believe the story,
That a fam'd Queen of Northern brutes,
A gentlewoman of prodigious glory,
Whom ev'ry sort of epithet well suits;
Whose husband dear, just happening to provoke her,
Was shov'd to Heaven upon a red-hot poker!
Sent to a certain King, not King of France—
Desiring by Sir Joshua's hand his phiz—
What did the royal quiz?
Why, damn'd genteelly, sat to Mr. Dance!
Then sent it to the Northern Queen—
As sweet a bit of wood as e'er was seen!
And therefore most unlike the princely head—
He might as well have sent a pig of lead.
That a fam'd Queen of Northern brutes,
A gentlewoman of prodigious glory,
Whom ev'ry sort of epithet well suits;
72
Was shov'd to Heaven upon a red-hot poker!
Sent to a certain King, not King of France—
Desiring by Sir Joshua's hand his phiz—
What did the royal quiz?
Why, damn'd genteelly, sat to Mr. Dance!
Then sent it to the Northern Queen—
As sweet a bit of wood as e'er was seen!
And therefore most unlike the princely head—
He might as well have sent a pig of lead.
Down ev'ry throat the piece was cramm'd
As done by Reynolds, and deserv'dly damn'd;
For as to Master Dance's art
It ne'er was worth a single—!
Reader, I blush!—am delicate this time!
So let thy impudence supply the rhime.
As done by Reynolds, and deserv'dly damn'd;
For as to Master Dance's art
It ne'er was worth a single—!
Reader, I blush!—am delicate this time!
So let thy impudence supply the rhime.
Thank God! that monarchs cannot taste control,
And make each subject's poor, submissive soul
Admire the work that judgment oft cries fie on:
Had things been so, poor Reynolds we had seen
Painting a barber's pole—an ale-house queen,
The Cat and Gridiron, or the Old Red Lion!
At Plympton, p'rhaps, for some grave Doctor Slop,
Painting the pots and bottles of the shop:
Or in the Drama, to get meat to munch,
His brush divine had pictur'd scenes for Punch!
Whilst West was whelping 'midst his paints,
Moses and Aaron, and all sorts of saints!
And make each subject's poor, submissive soul
Admire the work that judgment oft cries fie on:
Had things been so, poor Reynolds we had seen
Painting a barber's pole—an ale-house queen,
The Cat and Gridiron, or the Old Red Lion!
At Plympton, p'rhaps, for some grave Doctor Slop,
Painting the pots and bottles of the shop:
Or in the Drama, to get meat to munch,
His brush divine had pictur'd scenes for Punch!
Whilst West was whelping 'midst his paints,
Moses and Aaron, and all sorts of saints!
73
Adams and Eves, and snakes and apples,
And dev'ls, for beautifying certain chapels:
But Reynolds is no favourite, that's the matter—
He has not learnt the noble art—to flatter .
And dev'ls, for beautifying certain chapels:
But Reynolds is no favourite, that's the matter—
He has not learnt the noble art—to flatter .
Thrice happy times, when monarchs find them hard things,
To teach us what to view with admiration;
And, like their heads on halfpence and brass farthings,
Make their opinions current through the nation!
To teach us what to view with admiration;
And, like their heads on halfpence and brass farthings,
Make their opinions current through the nation!
I've heard that Ramsay
, when he died,
Left just nine rooms well stuff'd with queens and kings;
From whence all nations might have been supplied,
That long'd for valuable things.
Viceroys, ambassadors, and plenipos,
Bought them to join their raree-shows
In foreign parts,
And show the progress of the British arts.
Left just nine rooms well stuff'd with queens and kings;
From whence all nations might have been supplied,
That long'd for valuable things.
Viceroys, ambassadors, and plenipos,
Bought them to join their raree-shows
In foreign parts,
And show the progress of the British arts.
Whether they purchas'd by the pound or yard,
I cannot tell, because I never heard;
But this I know, his shop was like a fair,
And dealt most largely in this royal ware.
See what it is to gain a monarch's smile;—
And hast thou miss'd it, Reynolds, all this while?
How stupid! pr'ythee, seek the courtier's school,
And learn to manufacture oil of fool.
I cannot tell, because I never heard;
But this I know, his shop was like a fair,
And dealt most largely in this royal ware.
See what it is to gain a monarch's smile;—
And hast thou miss'd it, Reynolds, all this while?
How stupid! pr'ythee, seek the courtier's school,
And learn to manufacture oil of fool.
Flattery's the turnpike-road to Fortune's door—
Truth is a narrow lane, all full of quags,
Leading to broken heads, abuse and rags,
And workhouses—and refuge for the poor!—
Truth is a narrow lane, all full of quags,
Leading to broken heads, abuse and rags,
And workhouses—and refuge for the poor!—
74
Flattery's a mountebank so spruce—gets riches;
Truth, a plain Simon Pure, a Quaker preacher,
A moral mender, a disgusting teacher,
That never got a sixpence by her speeches!
Truth, a plain Simon Pure, a Quaker preacher,
A moral mender, a disgusting teacher,
That never got a sixpence by her speeches!
The true reason that induced his Majesty to sit to Mr. Dance, was laudable royal economy. Mr. Dance charged fifty pounds for the picture—Sir Joshua Reynolds's price was somewhat more than a hundred—a very great difference in the market-price of paint and canvass; and, let me say, that justified the preference given to the man who worked cheapest.
| The Works of Peter Pindar [i.e. John Wolcot] | |