The works of Allan Ramsay :: :: University of Virginia Library

How lady after she grew sickly
Without a testment drapt aff quickly,
To nae sma tinsel of stepdoughter
When twa grave pows came in and hought her
I sing the tale to toun and landart,
And verity shall be the standart.
Nor need I the lang-nebit diction
That's aften used to varnish fiction.
Thus far, as porter or Swiss sentrey
Preface well bred stands in the entrey.

Then wauk in, gentles, we are just showing
The honest stepmother a going.
Baband the dervise, her relation,
Bestows what's calld for in his station;

296

Of which he gies a rantan rug
Of thae things grown amaist a drug—
Whyt een, heh heys, and greetin grunzie,
And sic wares as cost little cunzie.
E'en while she had the use of breath
And his right not secured by death,
In part of payment the sweet singer
Steals twa gowd rings frae aft her finger.

In the mean time snack Tittypow
Is doing a' that e'er she dow
To see that ilk thing be in order
When Madam's on the mortall border.
This she performs wi' meikle care
Till the rich relict is nae mair.

What joy it gies dependant's heart
When wealthy friend daigns to depart!
Now there's nae cheeks blabed wi' tears
But blythness throu' forced glooms appears.
Soon's Atropos had used her gooly,
A' hands to wark about the spooly.

“Deal honest,” quoth stepdoughter heires[s],
“Ye's get a skair and that right fair is.”
“Young miss, ye'r servant,” quoth Mess Jon,
“There is nae testment; pray, stand yon.
Lear to be civil in your carriage.
Ye're nae bairn of the second marriage,
Nor did ae drap of her blood ever
Glow in your cheek or warm your liver.
But wee ar her ain nearest of kin
And think it nowther shame nor sin
To nick ye fine and upo' sight to
Sease ilky thing she claimed a right to.
Tis mair, indeed, than I expected,
But since the latter-will's neglected,
Come, lass, gie's in a glass of claret—
A hale fou bottle, let's nae spare it.
I plainly see that ane had twice
Better be canny than be wise.”

297

He took his penfou very dously,
Then fell a plundering unco crously,
But quarrel shor'd to happen niest
Tween Tittypow and canny priest
Till he was forced to condescend
That Titt should have her dividend.
“Then this be yours and that be mine;
All's fair, an ther's nane els comes in.”
Nought in the house escaped their cloutches,
With very meal they cramn'd their poutches.

What in our youthhood we recive
We natruly bear to the grave;
Tho set a beggar o'er a leal flock,
His mind will hanker to a meal poke.

A butter lump, in May well sauted,
Their gabs baith watterd to be at it.
The holy man linkt out a lingle
And hav'd it soon wi' little pingle,
Then slap dash nievs in nuckle deep
Ilk ane their parts peremptor keep.

Speets and racks, pots, pans, and caudrons,
The lady's messen and poor baudrans,
Bowies, lugies, spoons, and dishes,
And things wherin fouk s---s and p---s
Are a' laid hands on by the truffer.
The cocks and hens, poor fowls, maun suffer;
Alak, yer kind auld lady's cavie
Frae hungrey maws nae mair will save ye.

Now whiles a tiptaes, whiles on hunkers,
They scrambled throu presses and bunkers.
'Mang mony things the garesome harlot
Fand a gay miekle deug of scarlet
And cryd she'd keep it a' thegither
For under-mutches to her mither.

To these fair miss had sma regard
And without scruple coud have spared,
But when she saw ilk sneaking divel
Sae cursed greedy and uncivil

298

To take the jewels and the rings,
The watch, and sindrey castly things
That had pertaind to her ain mither,
Gi'en to her stepdame by her father,
Her heart b[e]ing fou—as well it might—
She asked them as her proper right.
Reply'd ane o' the duddy kin,
“Whisht, Mestres, gie's less o' yer din.
It setts you well, indeed, to speer
Gin wee'll twin wi' sic wally gear
To beet your vanity and pride.
They'll look as well hung at my side.”
“Ay, sister,” said the cussion dadder,
“Really, sic things make wenches madder.
They shouldna hae diamonds and watches
That deal in fardingales and patches.
I coudna answer to my conscience
If I consented to her vain sense.”
Neist when they had this point decided,
The siller plate maun be divided;
Which they perform'd with equal scales
And left fair miss to bite her nails.
Wow, but they coud bauth laigh and clean,
Frae gowd and siller to a preen.
Bootless she strave her case to mend—
She's ay snigg'd off at the wob end.
Beds, bousters, blankets, sheets, and codds,
Courtains, hingings, twilts, and rods,
Table linnen, body cleathing—
In short, the greedy rooks left naithing.
They gutted servant lass's bed,
And thus grave Babband to her said:
“Ye maun gae hame and spin wi' me
Or els ye's ne'er be pay'd your fee.
But for sae lang, mind what I tell,
Young miss may lair to sair hersell.”
The very sheets they sought away
Off bed where this young lady lay;

299

Wi' much difficulty and skill
Only in this she gain'd her will,
And that indeed was nae sma ferly
When ilka thing's consider'd nerly,
For the sweet creature to her sorrow
Oblidg'd was a' things else to borrow.
They left na the worth of a snishing
But stoury floor and bare partition.
A mop was like to saw dissention
And jumble up a great contention,
But after meikle wark and cangle
(Deel speed the liars, threep and brangle!)
Auld cleave-a-hair wi' solemn face
He spake and said: “Here lys the case.
My wife, ye ken, lives far frae Reeky;
Then Tittypow I woud beseek ye,
Since ye live here upo' the spot
Gie her the map, and nae mair o't.”
“I'll hae,” quo Titt then, “spite the nose ye,
The lady's breeks that keept her cossie.”
“I beg your pardon,” quo Mess John,
“Upon your a---e they's ne'er gae on.
They for my spouse will do fow fine
And stap her gab frae seeking mine,
Wha aftentimes has wat her cheeks
Because I wadna yeild the breeks.”
“I'll draw them aff again,” quo Titt,
“Gin e'er her buttocks in them sit.
Then had your chafts, make nae mair stir,
I loo to be as warm as her.”
Now ye maun ken after auld Madam
Was boughted wi' the bairns of Adam,
They sent express for further augment
Of former stock to glean ilk fragment;
Moolings of plumbcake, short bread, bisket
Gart soup-up clean into a basket,
And wine left or in glass or stoups,
Wi' a' remaining candle dowps

300

That douminies loos dowps may a' say
Was well observ'd by servant lassie.
Well, embassy was trew transacted,
And crumbs and dribles up were paked,
After transferd with carefou care
Into hands of dividing pair.

What qwam of conscience it coud be
Possest them, mair's than kend by me—
But back, O generous, they sent
The bitts and dribs, rare complement.
But dire mischance! There is a sort
Of greedy gleds hing at the port,
Wha for the sake of king and land
Grip a' the goods are counterband
And pro and con ne'er stand to argue.
These made a seasure of the cargo,
Syne after claught to his skair
And swaloud this sma bill of fare.

Frae a that has been sung or said
Some application should be made.
First, for improvement let me tell ye
In a ye do forgetna selly
And never slight a gowden offer
[To]gather gear into your coffer.
[Think] but a freet these auld wifes tales
[Of] justice wi her kittle scales,
For ane that's rich can eith exhoner
His making free [w]ith her and honnour.
If you wi' brass can theek your front
And pit a good grave face upon't,
Ye may scelp throw baith thick and thin,
Do ought and ne'er be charged wi sin.

A second lesson's worth your hearing
Tho ne'er a barrell better herring;
That is, men may have great preten[ses]
To sanctity, yet want the sens[es]
Of real virtue and good man[ners]
If they of lucre can be gainer[s].

301

This I have scottished frae a scroll
Of a gush oriental drol
Frae virteous vien to—Awband
On ilky Tittypow and Babband.