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How's that! did not you bring mee to the Taverne;
shew mee the fellowes, and direct me to apprehend
them? Did you not promise me a share if they might
be brought to a composition?

Warr.

Who? I? verily I say I know thee not.

Consta.

How! not know the Constable! Come Mr.
Warrant, let mee understand the mysterie without being
farther abus'd. You forget the place where wee had recreation
for nothing, onely promising the wenches favour
upon occasion: against whom wee afterwards inform'd
to get fees.

Sir Gener.

Is't noe otherwise? it shall raise some mirth.

Dobs.

Did not I tell thee Ralph, the Gentlewomen?

Ralph.

Well, 'tis a rare thing to bee a Justice. Were
I but swel'd with a little authoritie, mee thinks I could

crye, you Rogue, you Rascall, or you Constable, most
gravely.

Dobs.

And 'tis as rare a thing to bee a Constable; to
command in the name of authority, and bee drunke at
midnight, without danger of the stocks.

Sir Gen.

I shall respect him Mris. Tongall. Mr. Constable
I doe conceive an abuse done to my person, in that
you here traduce two strangers, pretending appointment,
when none will accuse them; nor can I suddainly discover
the errour.

Constable.

Now by all the painted authoritie of my
staffe—

Sir Gen.

No swearing Constable; I have determin'd
to conferre a power upon the accused, to judge both
it and you; and the most offendors shall suffer what shall
be due.

Consta.

Whither shall I fall! from my Empire of command,
to obey a mock-Constable! I be danger of example
forbid it, that Clownes and fooles be not made Justices
in earnest.

Sir Gen.

No more of this modestie: I'le have it so;
and exercise your wit. I have knowne a Countrey fellow
full of knavish clinches.

Dobson.

Yes Sir, 'tis ordinary in a Smith.

Ralph.

Then if I fit you not for a Justice.

Dobson.

And I for a Constable. You shall heare my
tone.

Const.

And I for an offendor.

Ralph.

Can you write and read young gentleman?

Ieffr.

Like a gentleman.

Ralph.

Then you shall be my Worships Clerke. And
so I assume authoritie. (hem, hem)

Spruce.

Now shall we be jeer'd out of our skins.

Warr.

Set a good face on't.

Ralph.

(hem, hem,)
what are you sirrah?

Dobs.

I am Dobson, the Constable and't please your
Worship.

Const.

Hee lies and't please your Worship, I am the
Constable.

Ralph.

You were the Constable; but your dignitie is
justly taken from you, and conferr'd upon honest Iohn
Dobson. Thou hast beene a raskall sirrah, a corrupt Constable.
Thou hast converst with deeds of darknesse, hating
the all light, but wenches and a lanthorne: which a
married Constable can never want at midnight. Thou
hast watch't little and pray'd lesse: thou shalt therefore
fast thy selfe into amendement. And so I commit thee
with thy guard of Bill-men to the mercie of a Shrove-Tuesdayes
rebellion. (hem, hem.)

Dobson.

Here's an other refendant, and't please your
Worship.

Ralph.

Now Sir, what are you?

Warr.

A Justices Clerke.

Ralph.

Oh, I know you sirrah.
You write true Latine, not to be understood by the Worshipfull
bench.

Warr.

Your Worship is misinform'd. I cannot write
true Orthographie without a Copie; and for Latine, I
have lesse then the Deane of Dunstable. I have read Ignoramus:
but finding hard words which were not in the
Dictionary; I sweare I understand it no more then Ignoramus
himselfe.

Ralph.

Make his Mittimus and send him to schoole;
(hem, hem,)
what are you Sir?

Spruce.

A Gentleman Vsher.

Ralph.

You are a Malkin of mock-Gentry, made up
of silke and vaine-glory. You begin to grow out of fashion.
I will therefore have you stitcht into a case of complements,
and commended to some thrifty house-keeping
Ladie in the Countrey, where you may save her Ladiship

the charge of a Taylour; and if you can read, serve for a
house-Chaplaine in rainy weather. (hem, hem.)
Bring
that Countrey Gentleman before me.

Dung.

You'l grow saucie sirrah.

Sir Gene.

Pray let's uphold the jest. I'le not spare mine
owne person. Your servant's witty.

Ralph.

You are a Countrey Gentleman; a Gallant out
of fashion all the yeare; but especially at Sessions, and
upon high Holi-dayes, when your sattin doublet drawes
away the eyes of the simple, and distracts their devotion
almost into Idolatry: giving it more worship then the
Heraulds ever gave your Auncestors. You intend as I
understand to come forth in a new Edition: and when
the Mercers and Tailors have new printed you; and that
some gentile wit may be read in your Character to marry
a Wife in the City. You shall then have a passe sealed upon
her by a Courtier; be ship't at Cuckolds haven, and
so transported into Cornwall. (Hem, hem.)
Now Sir,
what are you? never a wise word to answere a Justice?

Tong.

He is my friend Sir; and if you abuse him, you
shall not have my daughter Iinny.

Ralph.

There is a tempest in her tongue able to shake
the foundation of the wisest Justice-ship.

Dobs.

My Ladie Sir.

Ralph.

Madame, I have heard complaints of your Ladiship,
that you rise early every morning before noone,
and are readie before night, unlesse there bee a maske at
Court. You are likewise a great frequenter of the balls,
meerely out of charitie to the poore Fidlers.

Sir Gen.

He hits you home Wife.

Ieffr.

And this is my Ladies Gentleuman.

Ralph.

Stop your eares Gentlewomen, here's a foule
businesse towards. But you may tell the man, the time
and place, though not the manner.

Secre.

Truely Sir, if I am with child, its but with a
bottle of Sack.

Ralph.

Give it me; I'le keepe it. Many a Justice in the
City keepes children are none of his owne.

(Drinks.)
Ierk.

A right Sack Justice.

Ralph.

And now for you Gentlemen. You are of the
wits that give Poets Sack and old Bevers, and vent their
conceits in Tavernes for your owne.

Ieffr.

Please you Sir, these Gentlemen are my friends.

Ralph.

How's that! a Justice take bribes! the example
is too frequent, and I will have it mended.

Sir Gen.

You begin now to overdoe.

Ralph.

Bribes have purchas'd more then the whole
race of Aldermen since Luds time.

Sir Gen.

You are bitter now: 'tis time to resigne.

Ralph.

'Tis time indeed, when I will not take bribes
to be a Justice Quondam.

Sir Gen.
When Wit makes not abuse it's exercise,
The users of it then are truely wise:
But 'tis a foolish Vanitie, not Wit,
When Conscience bounds are broke to practise it.