University of Virginia Library

SCENE III.

Enter MENÆCHMUS of Epidamnum.
Men. Epi.
This day has been unlucky, and to me
Quite adverse—what I thought to have done in secret,
Has been discover'd by this Parasite,
And brought both fear and infamy upon me.
He my Ulysses was, and my adviser;
Yet nought but evil heaps on me his king.
His thread of life, if I but live myself,
Will I cut off. How like a fool I talk!
His thread of life! His thread of life is mine;
He eats my victuals, lives at my expence.
Yes, I will be the death of him. Besides,
This wench has acted but in character,
The manner of them all. When I request her
To give me back the robe to give my wife,
She tells me, she already had return'd it.
'Troth, I'm unhappy!

Old Man.
Hear you what he says?

Phys.
He says he is unhappy.

Old Man.
Pray go nearer.

Phys.
Save you, Menæchmus. Why do you bare your arms?
You know not how it helps on your disorder.

Men. Epi.
Go hang yourself.

[to the Phys.]
Phys.
What think you now?

Men. Epi.
What think?
What can I think?

Phys.
To work a cure requires
More than an acre of good hellebore.
Hark ye! Menæchmus?

Men. Epi.
What would'st thou with me?

Phys.
Answer to what I ask: Say, do you drink
White wine or red?

Men. Epi.
Go, hang yourself.

Phys.
I find
The mad fit just now coming on.

Men. Epi.
Why not
Ask me as well the colour of my bread,
Whether I eat it purple, red, or yellow?
Whether eat scaly birds, or feather'd fish.

Old Man.
Hark! how deliriously he talks! or e'er
He grows stark staring mad, give him some potion.

Phys.
Hold, stay a little, I shall farther question him.

Old Man.
More idle talk will quite demolish him.

Phys.
Tell me but this; do you ever find your eyes
Grow hard?

Men. Epi.
Do you take me for a locust, fool?

Phys.
Do you find your bowels make a noise sometimes?

Men. Epi.
When I am full, my bowels make no noise:
They do, when I am hungry.—

Phys.
By my troth,
In this he does not answer like a madman.
D'you sleep till day-light? When you go to bed,
D'you get to sleep with ease?

Men. Epi.
My debts discharg'd,
I sleep with ease. May Jove and all the gods
Confound this questioner!

Phys.
He 'gins to rave.
[aside.
Take heed of what you say.

Old Man.
In what he says,
He's much more moderate than he was but now.
'Tis but a while ago, he said, his wife
Was a mad bitch.

Men. Epi.
What did I say?

Old Man.
You're mad,
I say.

Men. Epi.
What I?

Old Man.
You there, who threaten'd me,
You'd trample me beneath your horse's feet.
I saw you do it, and I will maintain it.

Men. Epi.
And I well know, you've stol'n Jove's sacred crown,
And for the fact have been confin'd in prison.
And when releas'd, you've been severely whip'd
Under a gibbet. And I know besides,
You've kill'd your father, and have sold your mother.
Think you I am so mad, I can't devise
The same abusive language against you,
As you can do 'gainst me.

Old Man.
Doctor, I beg you,
What you intend to do to him, do quickly.
Do you not see he's mad?

Phys.
'Twere the best thing,
You know, to have him carried to my house.

Old Man.
Do you think so?

Phys.
Why not? I there can treat him
As I think proper.

Old Man.
Do just as you please.

Phys.
About some twenty days, you shall drink hellebore.

Men. Epi.
And you, some thirty days, shall be tied up,
And flog'd severely.

Phys.
Go, and call your men,
To bring him to my house.

Old Man.
How many men
D'ye think will be sufficient?

Phys.
As I see him
So mad, not less than four.

Old Man.
They shall be here
Immediately. Take care of him, good doctor.

Phys.
I'll home to get things ready that are wanting.
Go, bid your servants bring him to my house.

Old Man.
I will take care that he shall soon be there.

Phys.
I'm gone.

Old Man.
Farewell.

[Exeunt Phys. and Old Man separately.
Men. Epi.
The father-in-law is gone,
And so's the doctor. Now I am alone.
How is it, Jove, these men will have me mad!
Since I was born, I've ne'er been sick one day.
Nor am I mad, nor do I seek for quarrels,
Nor stir up strifes. I'm well in health, and see
Others the same: I know men, and I speak to them.
Is't not, that those who say that I am mad,
Are mad themselves? What shall I do? I would
Go home; but then my wife will not permit it.—
My mistress too will not admit me. This
All of it's ill. I'll e'en stay here till night,
And I may get admittance in the dark.

[stands apart.