University of Virginia Library

SCENE II.

Enter MENÆCHMUS of Epidamnum, with a robe, speaking to his wife within.
Were you not good for nothing, were you not
An ass, a stubborn ideot, what you see
Displeas'd your husband, would displease you too.
From this day forward, if you use me thus,
I'll turn you out of doors, and send you back
A widow to your father: for whenever
I would go forth, you hold me, call me back,
Ask where I'm going, what 'tis I'm about,
And what's my business, what I want abroad.
I've married sure some officer o'th'customs,
I'm so examin'd—what I've done—what do—
Too kindly you've been treated hitherto;
I'll tell you how you shall be—Since I allow you
Maids, jewels, cloaths, wool—Since you want for nothing,
If you were wise, you'd dread the consequence,
And cease to watch your husband. So, that you
May watch me to some purpose, for your pains,
I'll dine abroad now with some trull or other.

Pen.
(aside.)
He means to gall his wife by what he says:
But me he spites; for if he dine abroad,
On me he recks his vengeance, not on her.

Men. Epi.
Victoria! by my tauntings, I at length
Have driven her from the door.—Where, where are all
The intriguing husbands? why do they delay
To bring me gifts, and thank me for my prowess:—
I've stol'n this robe here of my wife's, and mean
To carry it to my mistress.—So we ought
To trick these crafty husband-watching dames:—
'Tis a fair action, this of mine, 'tis right,
'Tis pleasant faith, and admirably carried.
With plague enough, I've ta'en it from one plague
To give it to another.—Thus I've gain'd
A booty from the foe, without our loss.

Pen.
(aloud.)
What portion of the booty's mine, young Sir?

Men. Epi.
Undone! I'm fall'n into an ambuscade.

Pen.
You've lighted on a safe-guard: never fear.

Men. Epi.
Who's that?

Pen.
'Tis I.

Men. Epi.
O my most welcome friend,
Save you.

Pen.
And you.

Men. Epi.
How fares it?

Pen.
Let me take
My genius by the hand.

Men. Epi.
You could not come
More opportune than now.

Pen.
It is my way:
I know to hit each point and nick of time.

Men. Epi.
Shall I acquaint you with a saucy prank?

Pen.
Saucy? what cook has drest it? I shall know
If he has marr'd it when I see the relicks.

Men. Epi.
Now prithee tell me, have you never seen
The picture of an eagle bearing off
Jove's Ganymede, or Venus with Adonis?

Pen.
Ay, many a time. But what are they to me?

Men. Epi.
Look at me.—Do I bear resemblance to them?

Pen.
What means that robe?

Men. Epi.
Say I'm a pleasant fellow.

Pen.
Where shall we dine?

Men. Epi.
Poh, say what I command you.

Pen.
Well then,—thou art a pleasant fellow.

Men. Epi.
What,
Canst add nought of thy own?

Pen.
Yes, joyous fellow.

Men. Epi.
Proceed.

Pen.
Not I, i'faith, unless I know
Why there's a falling out 'twixt you and Madam.
I take great care to have this from yourself.

Men. Epi.
Tell me without the knowledge of my wife,
Where shall we kill, where bury, time?

Pen.
Come, come;
You say right; I will dig its grave: the day's
Already half-expired.

Men. Epi.
'Tis mere delay,
Your chattering thus.

Pen.
Knock out my only eye,
Menæchmus, if I speak one other word,
But what you bid.

Men. Epi.
Draw hither from the door.

Pen.
I will.

Men. Epi.
Draw hither.

Pen.
Well.

Men. Epi.
Come quickly hither,
Come from the lioness's den.

Pen.
'Fore heav'n,
You'd make a dext'rous charioteer.

Men. Epi.
Why so?

Pen.
You look behind you, lest your wife should follow.

Men. Epi.
What say you now?

Pen.
What say I?—what you will
I say and unsay.

Men.
Were your nose to any thing,
Could you not make a shrewd guess by the smell?

Pen.
Aye, surely: the whole college, Sir, of Augurs
Have not so quick a scent at divination.

Men. Epi.
Come then, and smell this robe which I have here.
What does it smell of? (holding it up.)
won't you take it? Hey-day!

Pen.
A woman's garment should be smelt at top;
The scent is else too strong for any nose.

Men. Epi.
Come, smell it here then, good Peniculus:—
How you make faces at it!

Pen.
I can't help it.

Men. Epi.
What does it smell of? answer.

Pen.
It smells strong
Of theft, of whore, and dinner.

Men. Epi.
I'm now going
To carry it to my mistress, my Erotium:
I'll bid her to provide a dinner for us,—
For me, for you, and for herself: we'll there
Carouse it till the morrow's morning star.

Pen.
O bravely spoken!—shall I knock?

Men. Epi.
You may.—
Yet hold a while.

Pen.
The cup was just at hand;
'Tis now a thousand paces off.

Men. Epi.
Knock softly.

Pen.
Are you afraid the door is made of crockery?

Men. Epi.
Hold, prithee hold:—herself is coming forth.

Pen.
Oh, Sir, you look upon the sun: your eyes
Are blinded with her brightness.—