University of Virginia Library

ADVICE TO A SON.

I HAVE in my hand a letter purporting to be from

a lady of standing and respectability, addressed to
her son at Newport; the means by which it has
reached me, do, I must confess, throw a little
doubt upon its authenticity; but its spirit is so
prompt and ingenuous, that I have no doubt that a
great many elegant mothers will be tempted to endorse
it over to their sons, even though it should
prove to be a pleasant fabrication of my friend
Tophanes.

It begins;—I am about to give you some advice
Tommy, concerning your course at Newport;
which, I am sure, if faithfully followed out, will
be of great service to you. You must not suppose
that our watering places are to be used, or enjoyed,
merely as places of amusement, or for the pursuit
of health. These are indeed the vulgar opinions
on the subject; but the education I have given
you Tommy, will, I hope, make you aware, that a
high position in fashionable society is one of the
choicest objects which a youth of parts and respectability
can set before him; and believe me,
Tommy, when I say, that proper discretion at our
watering places is one of the readiest means of attaining
this object.

Your marriage, my dear boy, your position, your
happiness, and the admiration of your too fond
mother, all depend very much upon a proper regimen

at the place, where you now find yourself for
the first time. You will be careful in the beginning
about your associates. Evil communications
as the poet says, corrupt good manners. (Do not
forget to read your Shakspeare). And as for good
manners, my son—lud! without good manners,
what is a man worth?

The Shrimps, I see by the papers, are at Newport;
and you would do well to cultivate them;
the daughters are not pretty, but let me assure you
that the mamma is of the very first set; and, as I
am told, very easily approachable by young gentlemen
of address. She is, I am told, particularly
vain of her figure; I beg, my dear son, you will
bear this in mind. The daughters not being elegant,
or belles precisely, you will of course win by
a little considerate (but no special) attention. And
let me caution you here, my dear boy, against undue
civilities to such beautiful girls, as may possibly
tempt you, but who are of quite vulgar, or second-rate
families. Your name in that case will
inevitably become associated with them, which
may do you incalculable harm on your return to
the city. Be assured, my dear boy, that the temporary
and evanescent pleasure of dancing or flirting
with a belle, will poorly atone for even the
smallest degree of degradation from our set.

Whenever you wish to elevate your mind above
such things, Tommy,—think of your mother.

I know gentlemen enjoy greater liberty in these
intimacies than ladies; at the same time, a young
man whose position is not fully established, has
need to be very cautious. The families of wealth
whom I have taught you how to distinguish by the
character, rather than the amount of their display,
it would be well to treat with great, but cold,
respect, since, however vulgar they may be, it is
impossible to say how soon they may fill positions
of excellent odor.

The distinguished visitors you will use your best
efforts to find out, and never fail of any opportunity
to make their acquaintance. If they be from
distant States, or are people whom you will never
be likely to meet again, pray study their manner
as much as possible, and this study will enable you
to profess an acquaintance in town, although you
should fail of all opportunity for an introduction
Mr. Clay, although since the City Hall kisses he
has become somewhat vulgar, I would still commend
to your observation, and enough acquaintance
to pass a flippant word or two with him in
the ball room, will not be undesirable.

But, above all things, my dear son, cultivate intimacy
with the ladies of note; your own sagacity

will teach you their weak points, and then it wil
be your own fault if you do not succeed. Of conversation
I have already told you at home; do not
be afraid of making errors, or rather of being detected;
fearlessness is a great deal better than too
much honesty,[1] and nothing will so mortify your
hopes with women of the world as that foolish
naturalness which falters at a compliment, or which
shows a quick sense of burdensome stupidity.
`Learn to labor, and to wait.'

For your dress I need not now give you rules;
you know already, my dear boy, its great advantage.
A light undress of a morning, of plain
colors, and loose fit, is not only recherché, but has
a very aristocratic air. You will attentively observe
the English mode in this particular, and will
recal what I have told you of the Duke of Devonshire's
toilette, on the occasion of my meeting him
at Brighton. Nor should you by any means overdress
at dinner, it bespeaks a new man; you must
seek to give the impression that your position
makes you able to afford simpler tactics. Champagne,
my dear son, is vulgar, and I do hope you

will study to overcome that perverse taste; if you
think, from your position at table, that it would be
polite to make a little show of extravagance, you
can order Chambertin, or Lafitte, which are both
expensive and genteel.

As you do not ride remarkably well, I would
caution you against engaging yourself in that way;
if unavoidable, pray arrange it for an hour when
you will be least subject to observation. I think
your polking very creditable; but remember that
you had much better endure the clumsy step of a
lady well placed, than to enjoy the grace of a
second-rate girl. You will not, of course, be
tempted to sing; but I would advise that you hum
to yourself, in strolling about the galleries, some
snatches from the newest opera; any inadvertencies
will escape notice, and you will get the reputation
of having an appreciative taste.

You would do well, I think, my son, to read
some work on fishing and shooting, and to wear
your shooting jacket on occasions. These pursuits
are gentlemanly, but they will hurt your complexion,
and if ventured upon, will expose your
ignorance. There is not the same objection to the
shooting gallery, and I would advise occcasional
practice; beside that it may sometime stand you
in need,—not, my dear son, that I would ever have

you fight a duel,—but with the name of a good
shot, you may escape with less imputation on your
bravery.

As for the degree of your intimacy with ladies,
particularly married ladies, I scarcely know how to
advise you. To become the subject of some talk,
and even scandal, is certainly sometimes effective.
But, my dear boy, you must remember that religion
and morality are, after all, highly respectable,
and though not brilliant, are yet worthy of consideration.
I must say that conjugal infidelity,
striking as it is, has always seemed to me quite
questionable, particularly when discovered. So
that, my dear boy, in this matter of liaisons, (which
are certainly sometimes very effective,) you must
yield to a mother's modesty, and be guided—as I
hope you always are—by your own discretion, and
your mother's suggestions. But be sure, my dear
Tommy, that if you err, you err upon the safe side;
believe me that nothing is more odious than association
of one's name with a nursery maid, or a
grocer's wife.

I hope you will go to church; it has a respectable
appearance, and I am told that the Newport
clergymen are generally genteel people, and a trifling
acquaintance with them would not, I think,
much hurt your position. You will be cautious,

however, of lawyers; they are working men, and
are of very little assistance to a young man who is
building up a brilliant reputation.

Newspaper correspondents, and literary men
generally, you must always treat kindly; but do
not, I beg of you, be too familiar. They are, for
the most part, poor scamps, who will be easily won
over by a dinner, and a bottle of wine; farther
than this, you should not suffer your attentions to
run. You may be assured that however much
they talk about gentility in their papers, they know
very little about it in earnest, and are the sorriest
set of mountebanks that are to be found. A popular
author, however, who has any chance of becoming
a lion, you will at once perceive the necessity
of humoring; and, for my sake, Tommy, you will
excuse his vulgarities for the use you can make of
his acquaintance.

Should you attend the fancy ball, Tommy, consult
scrupulously your complexion, and figure in
your choice of dress. I think the debardeur would
suit your style. If Miss Shrimp, as I hear, plays
the Sultana, do you, my dear boy, play the Sultan;
it will become you, and I do assure you that they
are the very pink of gentility.

I hear of a very pretty young lady who has this
year made her first appearance at the Springs.

My dear boy, I do hope you will do yourself the
credit of a measurable flirtation with her. At her
age, she will be easily flattered; but remember,
don't lose your self-possession. All depends on
your own nerve and resolution, and I have too
much confidence in you, Tommy, to think you
would be so indiscreet as to fall in love with a mere
girl.

Do, dear Tommy, pay heed to my counsels, and
rejoice the heart of your fond mother. Adelia.

I have nothing to add, Fritz.

If we had been blessed with such mothers, what
gay fellows we might have been in our day! Instead
of wearying out our life in the tame pursuits
of industry, and reclining, as we do now, in the
autumn of our days, a pair of humble Benedicks,
smoking out quietly the remnant of existence, and
quaffing up the simple waters of content, we might
have had a life-range of gentility, and grown old—
notorious.

As it is, we shall drop off by and by, silently,—
with only so little knowledge of the great whirl of
gaiety, as our chance glimpses have afforded. Poor
outsiders,— from first to last! — and may God
grant that, in the making up of the twin divisions
of the dead, we may be outsiders still! Timon.