University of Virginia Library

“O, Tim,—I have lately found out a most Jo-fired discovery!
You know Tim, about the time you was born, I
joined the Masons—at least I thought I did. Now I have
lately found out that business was but little better than a

damn'd hoe-axe. Bill Botherem, the scamp of tophet,
damn him! Well, yer see, he made me believe he could
take me in, and so he did, and be damn'd to him! but he
had no right to, besides more than half of his jigerations
there, initials, I think they call them, were no Masonry at
all amost. And all the scorching and drenching, and all
that flumydiddle about tin pans and pistols and number
ones and number twos—and all that botheration about
going over with it again, cause a fellow could'nt help
swearing a little, to let off the steam, was nothing but
some of Bill's divlish cheatery and whimsification. For I
have found out there is nothing in Masonry against swearing
in a natural way at all amost. Well, yer see, Bill has
at last got found out in his diviltrees. A little while after
you went away, one of the fellows who helped Bill in that
scurvy business, joined the true lodge, and told on't after
he'd kept the secret in his clam shells more than twenty
years. So neighbor Gibson, who is a Mason, came to me,
and told me all as how I had been Tom fooled, and advised
me to join the true lodge, and so I did, and have now
got the bony fide Masonry—and by the Lord Harry, how
easy 'tis! Bill's Masory could not hold a candle to it!
Well, yer see, we now considered what was to be done with
Bill. But some thought he did'nt fairly break his oaths,
and some said it was so long agone that we'd better let it
drop, and so we did, only concluding to let all the brethren
and other trusty folks know in a kinder private way,
that Bill was a villain. But Bill, yer see, did'nt know as
how we'd found him out, and so he lately tried another
trick, and really made a young fellow a Mason privately,
and told all the true secrets, they say. But what is the
drollest is, he's got found out in that too. The fellow,
yer see, was courting a gall, and told her all—and you
know how things drop through wimen. She told it to a
Mason's wife, and so it got to the lodge. We have taken
the young fellow in, but they all say something must be
done with Bill this time, or he will ruin the whole tote of
us. And sure enough. Thunder! must all the world
know all the didos we cut up in the lodge-room—wimen
and all? A pretty kettle of fish that! I am clear for
bringing the perjured scoundrel up to the bull-ring. But
we are in a bother how to come at it in a legal kind of a way,
as yer may say—and so we want you should come home
and insult on the business. So you'd as well ax those
great bug-Masons there in York State, their advice, and
then pull up stakes for Mug-Wump, in no time. Brother
Gibson, says he is agoing to write you too. Your mother
has got the extatics to see you, and so I remain your honorable
father.