University of Virginia Library

ACT IV.

SCENE I.

Enter ERGASILUS at a distance.
O Jove supreme! how has thy providence
Preserv'd me! how hast thou increas'd my means,
And thrown most ample plenty in my way!
What store of honours and emolument,
Celebrity, sport, pastime, holidays,
With ev'ry choice provision for good cheer,
Potations deep, and feastings in abundance,
Till the gorg'd appetite shall cry, Enough!—
Tis fix'd, in future I will cringe and crouch
To no man, I: for now I am possess'd
Of means to help a friend, or hurt an enemy.
O this delightful day has heap'd upon me
Delights the most delightful:—I am master
Of an inheritance without incumbrance.—
Now will I shape my course to Hegio here,
And bring him as much happiness, as himself
Could wish for from the Gods, and even more.
Well—I will throw my cloak then o'er my shoulder,
Like slaves in comedies, for expedition,
That I may be the first to tell it him:
And for my tidings I have hopes to get
Good eating with him to eternity.

SCENE II.

Enter HEGIO.
The more I think on this affair, the more
Is my uneasiness of mind increas'd.—
That they should gull me in this sort!—and I
Never perceive it!—When this once is known,
I shall be made the jest of the whole town;
And soon as e'er I come into the Forum,
“That's the old fellow there,” they all will cry,
“Who has been trick'd.”—But is not this Ergasilus,
I see at distance?—Sure it is,—his cloak
Thrown o'er his shoulder.—What is he about?

Erg.
(Advancing.)
Haste, haste, Ergasilus,—look to thy business.—
(Loud.)
Hence,—have a care,—I warn you, and forewarn you,—
Let no man stop me in my way, unless
He thinks that he has had enough of life;—
Whoever stops me, he shall kiss the ground.

Heg.
He puts himself in posture as for boxing.—

Erg.
I'll do't,—by heav'ns I'll do't.—Let ev'ry one
Pursue his own track, nor by any business
Clog up the street.—My fist is a Balista,
My arm a Catapulta, and my shoulder
A Battering-Ram.—On whomsoever once
I dart my knee, I'll give him to the ground.—
Whatever mortal I shall light upon,
I'll knock his teeth out, and employ the wretch
To pick them up again.

Heg.
What mighty menaces!
They quite astonish me.

Erg.
If any dare
Oppose my course, I'll make him to remember
The day, the place for evermore, and me:
Who stops me, puts a stop to his existence.

Heg.
What would the man be at with all his swaggering?

Erg.
I give you notice, caution you before-hand,
That it may be your own fault, if you're caught.—
Keep home then, guard you from assault.

Heg.
'Twere strange this,
Had not his belly got him this assurance.
I pity the poor wretch, whose cheer has swol'n him
To all this insolence.

Erg.
Then for your bakers,
Breeders of swine, rascals who feed their hogs
With refuse bran, that no one can pass by
Their bake-house for the stench;—let me but see
One of their swine here in the public way,
My fists shall give the owner such a dusting,
As shall beat out his bran about his ears.

Heg.
He issues royal and imperial edicts!
His belly's full: his belly gives him impudence.

Erg.
Then for your fishmongers, who hawk about
Upon a four-leg'd dull provoking jade
Their stale commodities, whose very stench
Drives off our saunterers in the Forum;—troth,
I'll beat their filthy baskets 'bout their chaps,
That they may know how much offence they give
To others' noses.—Then too for the butchers,
Who under the pretence of selling lamb
Will put off ewe upon you, fob you off
With ram for weather mutton;—in my way
If I should chance to meet a ram of theirs,
Woe to the ram, and woe too to it's owner!

Heg.
Heyday! this swaggering fellow issues out
His edicts and commands, as though he were
Comptroller of the Victualling:—Our Ætolians
Have made him, sure, Inspector of the Market.

Erg.
No more a parasite, but I'm a king,—
More kingly than a king,—a king of kings;
In port I have it, such an ample store!
Provision for the belly.—Why do I
Delay to load old Hegio here with transport,
Who is in troth the happiest man alive.

Heg.
What transport is it, that himself, it seems,
Is in a transport to impart to me?

Erg.
(Knocking at Hegio's door)
Hoa there—where are ye? some one, ope the door.

Heg.
He's come to sup with me.

Erg.
Ope both the doors,
Ere piece-meal I demolish them with knocking.

Heg.
I have a mind to speak to him.—Ergasilus!

Erg.
Who calls Ergasilus?

Heg.
Turn your head—Look on me.

Erg.
Look on you?—That's what Fortune never does,
Nor ever will.—Who is it?

Heg.
Look.—I'm Hegio.

Erg.
(Turning.)
Best of best men, most opportunely met.

Heg.
You have got some one at the port to sup with,
And therefore do you treat me with this scorn.

Erg.
Give me thy hand.

Heg.
My hand?

Erg.
Thy hand, I say.
Give it this instant.

Heg.
There it is. (Giving his hand.)


Erg.
Be joyous.

Heg.
Joyous! for what?

Erg.
Because it is my order.—
Come, come, be joyous.

Heg.
Joy alas! with me
By sorrow is prevented.

Erg.
Do not grieve:
I'll wipe away this instant ev'ry stain
Of sorrow from your soul.—Pluck up,—be joyous.

Heg.
Well,—though I know no reason to rejoice.

Erg.
That's bravely done.—Now order—

Heg.
Order what?

Erg.
A monstruous fire.

Heg.
A monstruous fire?

Erg.
I say it:
An huge one let it be.

Heg.
Why how now, Vulture?
Think you, that I will fire my house to please you?

Erg.
Nay, prithee don't be angry.—Will you order,
Or will you not, the pots to be put on?
The dishes to be wash'd? the larded meats,
And kickshaws to be set upon the stoves?
Won't you send some one to buy fish?

Heg.
He dreams
With his eyes open!

Erg.
Bid another go
For pork, lamb, pullets?

Heg.
Yes, you understand
Good living, had you wherewithal to get it.

Erg.
For hams, for turbot, salmon, mackerel, cod,
A fat cheese?

Heg.
Easier 'tis for you to talk
Of all those dainties, than with me to eat them.

Erg.
Think you, I speak this on my own account?

Heg.
You will have nothing, don't deceive yourself,
Like what you talk off.—Prithee bring with you
A stomach suited to such common fare,
As you may meet with ev'ry day,—no nice one.

Erg.
But let me tell you, I shall be the author
Of your providing a most sumptuous treat,
E'en though I should forbid it.

Heg.
I?

Erg.
Yes, you.

Heg.
Hey! your are then my master.

Erg.
I'm your friend.—
Say, shall I make thee happy?

Heg.
Certainly
I'd rather so, than you should make me wretched.

Erg.
Give me thy hand.

Heg.
There,—there's my hand.

Erg.
The Gods,
The Gods are all your friends.

Heg.
I feel it not.

Erg.
You are not in a thorn-bush, else you'd feel.—
But let your sacred vessels be prepar'd,
And bid them bring forthwith a fatted lamb.

Heg.
For what?

Erg.
To make a sacrifice.

Heg.
To whom?
Which of the Gods?

Erg.
To Me.—For I am now
Thy Jupiter supreme,—I thy Salvation,
Thy Life, thy Fortune, thy Delight, thy Joy.—
To make this God propitious, cram him well.

Heg.
May Jupiter and all the Gods confound you.

Erg.
Nay, you should rather thank me for the news
I bring you from the Port, such gladsome news.—
Your supper likes me now.

Heg.
Be gone, you fool,—
You're come too late.

Erg.
Your words had been more true,
Had I come sooner.—Now receive from me
The transport that I bring you.—At the Port
Just now I saw your son, your Philopolemus,
Alive and hearty,—in the pacquet-boat
I saw him,—with him too that other spark,
Your captive, he of Ælis,—and besides,
Your slave Stalagmus, he that run away,
And stole your little boy at four years old.

Heg.
Away,—you joke me.

Erg.
Holy Gluttony
So help me,—as I wish for evermore
By her high title to be dignified,—
I saw—

Heg.
My son?

Erg.
Your son, my Genius.

Heg.
With him
The captive youth of Ælis?

Erg.
By Apollo.

Heg.
Stalagmus too, who stole my child—

Erg.
By Sora.

Heg.
Long ago,—

Erg.
By Præneste.

Heg.
Come?

Erg.
By Signia.

Heg.
Art sure?

Erg.
By Phrysinone.

Heg.
Have a care,
You do not tell a falshood.

Erg.
By Alatrium.

Heg.
Why do you swear thus by these barbarous cities
With uncouth names?

Erg.
Because they are as hard
As is the supper which, you said, you'd give me.

Heg.
A plague confound you!

Erg.
Why? because you won't
Believe me, though I speak in sober sadness.—
But of what country was Stalagmus, when
He ran away?

Heg.
Of Sicily.

Erg.
But now
He's no Sicilian: he is a Slave-onian,
To a Slave-onian yoke-mate tied for life.
A fit match for him to keep up the family.

Heg.
And may I then rely on what you've said?

Erg.
You may rely.

Heg.
O ye immortal Gods!
If he speak truth, I shall seem born again.

Erg.
And can you doubt me, when I swore so solemnly?
If you have little faith then in my oaths,
Go to the port yourself.

Heg.
And so I will.—
Take thou the necessary care within:
Use, and demand, broach any cask you like,
I make you cellar-man.

Erg.
And if you find me
Not a true prophet, curry me with your cudgel.

Heg.
If your intelligence should turn out true,
I will insure you everlasting eating.

Erg.
From whence?

Heg.
From me and from my son.

Erg.
You promise?

Heg.
I do.

Erg.
And I too, that your son is come.

Heg.
You'll manage for the best.

Erg.
All good attend you.

[Exit Hegio.

SCENE III.

ERGASILUS
alone.
He's gone,—and has intrusted to my care
The high and grand concern of catering.—
Immortal Gods! how I shall cut and quarter!
How I shall chop the crags from off the chines!
What devastation will befal the hams!
What a consumption rage among the bacon!
What massacre of fat sows paps! of brawn
What havock will arise!—Then what fatigue
Awaits the butchers! what the hog-killers!—
But to say more of what concerns good eating,
Is loss of time, and hindrance.—I will now
Go enter on my government, and sit
In judgment o'er the bacon,—set at liberty
Hams that have hung untry'd and uncondemn'd.

[Exit.