 | The Chances |  |
Actus Tertius.
Scæna prima.
Eter Land-lady and Peter.Land.
Ccome ye doe know.
Pet.
I do not by this hand Mistris.
But I suspect.
Land.
What?
Pet.
That if egges continue
At this price, women wil ne're be sav'd
By their good works.
Land.
I will know.
Pet.
Yee shall, any thing
Lyes in my power: The Duke of Loraine now
Is seven thousand strong: I heard it of a fish-wife,
A woman of fine knowledge.
Land.
Sirrah, sirrah.
Pe.
The Popes Buls are broke loose too, and 'tis suspected
They shall be baited in England.
Lan.
Very well sir.
Pet.
No, 'tis not so well neither.
Lan.
But I say to yee,
Who is it keeps your Master company?
Pet.
I say to you, Don Iohn.
Lan.
I say what woman?
Pet.
I say so too.
Lan.
I say againe, I will know.
Pet.
I say 'tis fit yee should.
Lan.
And I tell thee
He has a woman here.
Pet.
And I tell thee
'Tis then the better for him.
Lan.
You are no Bawd now?
Pet.
Would I were able to be call'd unto it:
A worshipfull vocation for my elders;
For as I understand it is a place
Fitting my betters farr.
Lan.
Was ever Gentlewoman
So frumpt off with a foole? well sawcy sirrah,
I will know who it is, and for what purpose;
I pay the rent, and I will know how my houle
Comes by these Inflamations: if this geere hold,
Best hang a signe-post up, to tell the Signiors,
Here ye may have lewdnesse at Liverie.
Ent. Fredrick.
Pet,
'Twould be a great ease to your age.
Fred.
How now?
Why what's the mater Land-lady?
Lan.
What's the matter?
Ye use me decently among ye gentlemen.
Fr.
Who has abus'd her, you sir?
Lan.
'Ods my witnesse
I will not be thus treated, that I will not.
Pet.
I gave her no ill language.
Lan.
Thou lyest lewdly,
Thou tookst me up at every word I spoke,
As I had been a Mawkin, a flurt Gillian;
And thou thinkst, because thou canst write & read,
Our noses must be under thee.
Fr.
Dare you sirrah?
Pet.
Let but the truth be known Sir, I beseech ye,
She raves of wenches, and I know not what sir:
La.
Go to, thou know'st too well, thou wicked varlet,
Thou instrument of evill.
Pet.
As I live Sir,
She is ever thus till dinner.
Fr.
Get ye in,
Ile answer you anon sir.
Pet.
By this hand
Ile break your Possit pan.
Exit.
Lan.
Then by this hood
Ile lock the meat up.
Fr.
Now your grief, what is't?
For I can ghesse—
Lan.
Ye may with shame enough,
If theer were shame amongst yee; nothing thought on,
But how yee may abuse my house: not satisfi'd
With bringing home your Bastards to undoe me,
But you must drill your whores here too; my patience
11
And as they say am willing to groan under)
Must be your make-sport now.
Fred.
No more of these words,
Nor no more murmurings Lady: for you know
That I know something. I did suspect your anger,
But turne it presently and handsomely,
And beare your selfe discreetly to this woman,
For such a one there is indeed.
Land.
'Tis well sonne.
Fr.
Leaving your devils Matins, and your melanchollies,
Or we shall leave our lodgings.
Land.
You have much need
To use these vagrant wayes, and to much profit:
Ye had that might content
(At home within your selves too) right good gentlemen,
Wholsome, and yee said handsome: But you gallants,
Boast that I was to beleeve ye—
Fr.
Leave your suspicion:
For as I live there's no such thing.
Lan.
Mine honour:
And 'twere not for mine honour.
Fr.
Come, your honour,
Your house, and you too, if you dare beleeve me
Are well enough: sleek up your self, leave crying,
For I must have yee entertain this Lady
With all civility, she well deserves it,
Bowle of wine ready.
Together with all secresie: I dare trust yee,
For I have found yee faithfull: when you know her
You will find your owne fault; no more words, but doe it.
Lan.
You know you may command me.
Ent. Don. Ioh.
Io.
Worshipfull Lady,
How does thy Velvet scabbard? by this hand
Thou look'st most amiably: now could I willingly
And 'twere not for abusing thy Geneva print there,
Venture my body with thee.
Lan.
You'll leave this roperie,
When you come to my yeares.
Ioh.
By this light
Thou art not above fifteen yet, a meere girle,
Thou hast not half thy teeth: come—
Fred.
Prethee Iohn
Let her alone, she has been vex'd already:
Shee'll grow starke mad man.
Ioh.
I would see her mad,
An old man woman
Fred.
Prethee be patient.
Ioh.
Is like a Millers Mare, troubled with tooth-ache.
Shee'll make the rarest faces.
Fred.
Goe, and doe it,
And doe not mind this fellow.
Lan.
Well Don Iohn.
There will be times agen; when O good Mother,
What's good for a carnosity in the Bladder?
O the green water, mother.
Ioh.
Doting take yee,
Doe ye remember that?
Fr.
She has payd ye now sir.
La.
Clarry, sweet mother, Clarry.
Fr.
Are ye satisfied?
Lan.
Ile never whore againe; never give Petticoats
And Wastcoats at five pound a peece; good Mother,
Quickly Mother: now mock on Son.
Ioh.
A devill grinde your old chaps.
Exit Land.
Fr.
By this hand wench
Ile give thee a new hood for this.
Has she met with your Lordship?
Touch-wood rake her.
Enter Anthony.
Shee's a rare ghostly mother.
Ant.
Below attends yee
The Gentlemans man sir that was with yee.
Joh.
Well Sir;
My time is come then: yet if my project hold,
You shall not stay behinde: Ile rather trust.
A Cat with sweet milk Fredrick; by her face
Enter Constan.
I feele her feares are working.
Const.
Is there no way,
I doe beseech yee think yet, to divert
This certaine danger?
Fr.
'Tis impossible:
Their honours are engag'd.
Con.
Then there must be murther,
Which, Gentlemen, I shall no sooner heare of,
Then make one in't: you may, if you please sir,
Make all goe lesse yet.
John.
Lady wer't mine owne cause,
I could dispence: but loaden with my friends trust,
I must go on; though generall massacres
As much I feare—
Const.
Doe ye heare sir; for heavens pittie
Let me request one love of you.
Fred.
Yes any thing.
Con.
This gentleman I find too resolute,
Too hot, and fiery for the cause, as ever
You did a vertuous deed, for honours sake
Go with him, and allay him: your fair temper
And noble disposition, like wish'd showres,
May quench those eating fires, that would spoile all else.
I see in him destruction.
Fred.
I will doe it;
And 'tis a wise consideration,
To me, a bounteous favour: harke ye John,
I will goe with yee.
Joh.
No.
Fred.
Indeed I will,
Ye goe upon a hazzard: no denyall;
For as I live, Ile goe.
John.
Then make ye ready,
For I am straight a horse-back.
Fred.
My sword on,
I am as ready as you: what my best labour,
With all the Art I have can work upon 'em,
Be sure of, and expect faire end: the old gentlewoman
Shall wait upon you; she is both grave and private,
And yee may trust her in all points.
Const.
Ye 're noble:
And so I kisse your hand.
John.
That seale for me too,
And I hope happy issue Lady.
Const.
All heavens care upon yee, and my prayers.
Joh.
So,
Now my mind's at rest.
Fred.
Away, 'tis late John.
Exeunt.
Scæne 2.
Enter Antonio, a Surgeon, and 2. Gent.1 Gent.
Come sir be hearty: all the worst is past.
Ant.
Give me some Wine.
Sur.
'Tis death Sir.
Ant.
'Tis a horse sir.
'Sbloud, to be drest to the tune of Ale onely,
Nothing but sawces to my sores.
12
Fie Antonio,
You must be govern'd.
Ant.
Has given me a dam'd Glister,
Only of sand and snow water, gentlemen,
Has almost scour'd my guts out.
Surg.
I have giv'n you that sir
Is fittest for your state.
Ant.
And here he seeds me
With rotten ends of rooks, and drown'd chickens,
Stewd Pericraniums, and Pia-maters;
And when I goe to bed, by heaven 'tis true gentlemen,
He rolls me up in Lints, with Labels at 'em,
That I am just the man ith' Almanack,
In head and face, is Aries place.
Surg.
Wilt please ye
To let your friends see ye open'd?
Ant.
Will it please you sir
To let me have a wench: I feele my body
Open enough for that yet?
Surg.
How, a wench?
Ant.
Why look yee gentlemen; thus I am us'd still,
I can get nothing that I want.
1 Gent.
Leave these things,
And let him open ye.
Ant.
De'ye heare Surgeon?
Send for the Musick, let me have some pleasure
To entertaine my friends, beside your Sallads,
Your green salves, and your searches, and some wine too,
That I may onely smell to it: or by this light
Ile dye upon thy hand, and spoyle thy custome.
1 Gen.
Let him have Musick.
Ent. Rowl. with wine.
Surg.
'Tis ith' house, and ready,
If he will aske no more: but wine—
Musick.
2 Gent.
He shall not drink it.
Sur.
Will these things please yee?
Ant.
Yes, and let 'em sing
John Dorrie.
2 Gent.
'Tis too long.
Ant.
Ile have John Dorrie,
For to that warlike tune I will be open'd.
Give me some drinke, have yee stopt the leakes well Surgeon,
All will runne out else?
Surg.
Feare not.
Ant.
Sit downe Gentlemen:
And now advance your plaisters.
Song of Joh. Dorry.
Give 'em ten shillings friends: how doe ye finde me?
What Symptomes doe you see now?
Sur.
None Sir, dangerous:
But if you will be rul'd—
Ant.
What time?
Surg.
I can cure ye
In forty dayes, so you will not transgresse me.
Ant.
I have a dog shall lick me whole in twenty:
In how long canst thou kill me?
Surg.
Presently.
Ant.
Doe it; there's more delight in't.
1 Gent.
You must have patience.
Ant.
Man, I must have busines; this foolish fellow
Hinders himselfe: I have a dozen Rascalls
To hurt within these five dayes: good man mender,
Stop me up with Parsley, like stuft Beefe,
And let me walke abroad.
Surg.
Ye shall walke shortly.
Ant.
For I must finde Petruchio.
2. Gent.
Time enough.
1 Gent.
Come lead him in, and let him sleep: within these three dayes
Wee'll beg yee leave to play.
2 Gent.
And then how things fall,
Wee'll certainly informe yee.
Ant.
But Surgion promise me
I shall drinke Wine then too.
Surg.
A little temper'd.
Ant.
Nay, Ile no tempering Surgion,
Surg.
Well, as't please ye,
So ye exceed not.
Ant.
Farewell: and if ye finde
The Mad slave, that thus slasht me, commend me to him,
And bid him keep his skin close.
1 Gent.
Take your rest sir.
Exeunt.
Scæn. 3.
Enter Constantia, and Land-lady.Con.
I have told yee all I can, and more then yet
Those Gentlemen know of me; ever trusting
Your Councell and concealement: for to me
You seem a worthy woman; one of those
Are seldome found in our sex, wise and vertuous,
Direct me I beseech ye.
Land.
Ye say well Lady,
And hold yee to that poynt; for in these businesses
A womans councell that conceives the matter,
(Doe ye marke me, that conceives the matter Lady)
Is worth ten mens engagements: She knows something
And out of that can worke like wax: when men
Are giddy-headed, either out of wine,
Or a more drunkennesse, vaine ostentation,
Discovering all: there is no more keep in 'em,
Then hold upon an Eeles taile: nay 'tis held fashion
To defame now all they can.
Con.
I, but these gentlemen—
Land.
Doe not you trust to that: these gentlemen
Are as all Gentlemen of the same Barrell:
I, and the selfe same pickle too. Be it granted,
They have us'd yee with respect and faire behaviour,
Yet since ye came: doe you know what must follow?
They are Spaniards, Lady, Gennets of high mettle,
Things that will thrash the devill, or his dam,
Let 'em appeare but cloven.
Con.
Now heaven blesse me.
Lan.
Mad Colts will court the wind: I know 'em Lady
To the least haire they have; and I tell you,
Old as I am, let but the pinte pot blesse 'em,
They'll offer to my yeares—
Con.
How?
Lan.
Such rude gambolls—
Con.
To you?
Lan.
I, and so handle me, that oft I am forc'd
To fight of all foure for my safety: there's the yonger,
Don John, the arrantst Jack in all this City:
The other, time has blasted, yet he will stoop,
If not ore-flowne, and freely on the quarry;
Has been a Dragon in his dayes. But Tarmont,
Don Jenkin is the Devill himselfe, the Dog-dayes,
The most incomprehensible whore-master,
Twenty a night is nothing: Beggers, Broom-women,
And those so miserable, they look like famine,
Are all sweet Ladies in his drink.
Con.
He's a handsome Gentleman.
Pitty he should be master of such follies.
Land.
Hee's ne're without a noise of Sirrenges
In's pocket, those proclame him; birding pills,
Waters to coole his conscience, in small Viols;
13
Whose chastity he chops upon, he cares not.
He flies at all; Bastards upon my conscience,
He has now in making multitudes; The last night
He brought home one; I pitty her that bore it,
But we are all weake vessels, some rich woman
(For wise I dare not call her) was the mother,
For it was hung with Jewels; the bearing cloath
No lesse then Crimson Velvet.
Con.
How?
Land.
'Tis true Lady.
Con.
Was it a Boy too?
Land.
A brave Boy; deliberation
And judgement shewd in's getting, as I'le say for him,
He's as well paced for that sport—
Con.
May I see it?
For there is a neighbour of mine, a Gentlewoman,
Has had a late mischance, which willingly
I would know further of; now if you please
To be so curteous to me.
Land.
Ye shall see it:
But what do ye thinke of these men now ye know 'em,
And of the cause I told ye of? Be wise,
Ye may repent too late else; I but tell ye
For your owne good, and as you will find it Lady.
Con.
I am advis'd.
Land.
No more words then; do that,
And instantly, I told ye of be ready:
Don Iohn, I'le fit ye for your frumps,
Con.
I shall be:
But shall I see this Child?
Land.
Within this halfe houre,
Let's in, and there thinke better; she that's wise,
Leapes at occasion first; the rest pay for it.
Exeunt.
Scæne 4.
Enter Petruchio, Don Iohn, and Fredrick.Iohn.
Sir, he is worth your knowledg; and a Gentleman
If I that so much love him, may commend him,
Of free and vertuous parts; and one, if foule play
Should fall upon us, for which feare I brought him,
Will not flie backe for phillips.
Pet.
Ye much honour me,
And once more I pronounce ye both mine.
Fred.
Stay, what Troope
Is that below i'th valley there?
Iohn.
Hawking I take ir.
Pet.
They are so; 'tis the Duke, 'tis even he Gentlemen,
Sirrah, draw backe the Horses till we call ye,
I know him by his company.
Fred.
I thinke too
He bends up this way.
Pet.
So he does.
Iohn.
Stand you still
Within that Covert till I call: you Fredrick,
By no meanes be not seen, unlesse they offer
To bring on odds upon us; he comes forward,
Here will I waite him fairely: to your Cabins.
Pet.
I need no more instruct ye?
Iohn.
Feare me not,
I'le give it him, and boldly.
Ex: Pet. and Fred.
Enter Duke and his faction.
Duke.
Feed the Hawkes up,
Wee'l flie no more to day: O my blest fortune,
Have I so fairely met the man!
Iohn.
Ye have Sir,
And him you know by this,
Duke.
Sir all the honour,
And love—
Iohn.
I do beseech your Grace stay there,
(For I know you too now) that love and honour
I come not to receive; nor can you give it,
Till ye appeare faire to the world; I must beseech ye
Dismisse your traine a little.
Duke.
Walke aside,
And out of hearing I command ye: Now Sir,
Iohn.
Last time we met, I was a friend.
Duke.
And Nobly
You did a friends office: let your businesse
Be what it may, you must be still—
Iohn.
Your pardon,
Never a friend to him, cannot be friend
To his own honour.
Duke.
In what have I transgress'd it?
Ye make a bold breach at the first Sir.
Iohn.
Bolder,
You made that breach that let in infamy
And ruine, to surprize a noble stocke.
Duke.
Be plaine Sir.
Iohn.
I will, and short;
Ye have wrong'd a Gentleman
Little behind your selfe, beyond all justice,
Beyond mediation of all friends.
Duke.
The man, and manner of wrong?
Iohn.
Petruchio,
The wrong, ye have whord his Sister.
Duke.
What's his will in't?
Iohn.
His will is to oppose you like a Gentleman,
And single, to decide all.
Duke.
Now stay you Sir,
And heare me with the like beliefe: this Gentleman
His Sister that you named, 'tis true I have long loved,
Nor was that love lascivious, as he makes it;
As true, I have enjoy'd her: no lesse truth
I have a child by her: But that she, or he,
Or any of that family are tainted
Suffer disgrace, or ruine, by my pleasures,
I weare a Sword to satisfie the world no,
And him in this cause when he please; for know Sir,
She is my wife, contracted before Heaven,
(Witnesse I owe more tye to, then her Brother)
Nor will I flye from that name, which long since
Had had the Churches approbation,
But for his jealous danger.
Iohn.
Sir, your pardon,
And all that was my anger, now my service.
Duke.
Faire sir, I knew I should convert ye; had we
But that rough man here now too—
Iohn.
And ye shall Sir
Whoa, hoa, hoo.
Duke.
I hope ye have laid no Ambush?
Enter Petru.
Iohn.
Only friends.
Duke.
My noble Brother welcome:
Come put your Anger off, we'l have no fighting,
Unlesse you will maintaine I am unworthy
To beare that name.
Pet.
Do you speake this hartely?
Duke.
upon my soule, and truly; the first Priest
Shall put you out of these doubts.
Pet.
Now I love ye;
And I beseech you pardon my suspitions,
You are now more then a Brother, a brave friend too.
14
The good man's over-joy'd
Enter Fred.
Fred.
How now, how goes it?
Iohn.
Why, the man 'has his mare agen, and all's well Fredrick,
The Duke professes freely, hee's her husband.
Fred.
'Tis a good hearing.
Iohn.
Yes, for modest Gentlemen.
I must present ye: may it please your Grace
To number this brave Gentleman, my friend
And noble kinsman, amongst those your servants.
Duke.
O my brave friend! you showre your bounties on me
Amongst my best thoughts Signior, in which number
You being worthily dispos'd already,
May place your friend to honour me.
Fred.
My love sir,
And where your Grace dares trust me, all my service.
Pet.
Why? this is wondrous happy: But now Brother,
Now comes the bitter to our sweet: Constantia.
Duke.
Why, what of her?
Pet.
Nor what, nor where, do I know?
Wing'd with her feares last night, beyond my knowledge,
She quit my house, but whether—
Fred.
Let not that—
Duke.
No more good Sir, I have heard too much.
Pet.
Nay sinke not,
She cannot be so lost.
Iohn.
Nor shall not Gentlemen;
Be free agen, the Ladie's found; that smile Sir,
Shewes ye distruct your Servant.
Duke.
I do beseech ye.
Iohn.
Ye shall beleeve me: by my soule she is safe.
Duke.
Heaven knows, I would beleeve Sir.
Fred.
Ye may safely.
Iohn.
And under noble usage: this faire Gentleman
Met her in all her doubts last night, and to his guard
(Her feares being strong upon her) she gave her person,
who waited on her, to our lodging; where all respect,
Civill and honest service now attend her.
Pet.
Ye may beleeve now.
Duke.
Yes, I do, and strongly:
Well my good friends, or rather my good Angels,
For ye have both preserved me; when these vertues
Dye in your friends remembrance—
Iohn.
Good your grace
Lose no more time in complement, 'tis too pretious,
I know it by my selfe, there can be no hell
To his that hangs upon his hopes; especially
In way of lustly pleasures.
Pet.
He has hit it.
Fred.
To horse againe then, for this night I'le crowne
With all the joyes ye wish for.
Pet.
Happy Gentlemen
Exeunt.
Enter Francisco.
Fran.
This is the maddest mischiefe: never foole
Was so fubd off, as I am; made ridiculous,
And to my selfe, mine owne Asse: trust a woman,
I'le trust the Devill first; for he dare be
Better then's word sometime: what faith have I broke?
In what observance failed? Let me consider,
(Enter Don Iohn, and Fred.
For this is monstrous usage.
Fred.
Let them talke,
Wee'll ride on faire and softly.
Fran.
Well Constantia,
Fred.
Constantia, what's this fellow? stay by all means.
Fran.
Ye have spun your selfe a faire thred now.
Fred.
Stand still Iohn.
Fran.
What cause had you to fly? what feare possest ye?
Were you not safely lodg'd from all suspition?
Us'd with all gentle meanes? did any know
How ye came thether, or what your sin was.
Fred.
Iohn.
I smell some juggling John.
John.
Yes, Fredrick, I feare it will be found so.
Fran.
So strangely,
Without the counsell of your friends; so desperatly
To put all dangers on ye?
Fred.
'Tis she.
Fran.
So deceitfully
After a strangers lure?
John.
Did ye marke that Fredrick?
Fran.
To make ye appeare more monster; and the Law
More cruell to reward ye? to leave all,
All that should be your safegard, to seeke evils?
Was this your wisedome? this your promise? well
He that incited ye—
Fred.
Marke that too.
John.
Yes Sir.
Fran.
'Had better have plough'd farther off; now Lady,
What will your last friend, he that should preserve ye,
And hold your credit up, the brave Antonio,
Thinke of this slip? he'll to Petruchio,
And call for open justice.
John.
'Tis she Fredrick.
Fred.
But what that he is John.
Fran.
I do not doubt yet
To bolt ye out, for I know certainly
Ye are about the Towne still: ha, no more words.
Ex.
Fred.
Well.
Iohn.
Very well.
Fred.
Discreetly.
Iohn.
Finely carried.
Fred.
You have no more of these tricks?
Iohn.
Ten to one Sir,
I shall meet with 'em if ye have.
Fred.
Is this honest?
Iohn.
Was it in you a friends part to deale double?
I am no asse Don Fredrick.
Fred.
And Don Iohn,
It shall appeare I am no foole;
Disgrace me to make yourselfe a lecher?
'Tis boyish, 'tis base.
Iohn.
'Tis false, and most unmanly to upbraid me,
Nor will I be your bolster Sir.
Fred.
Thou wanton boy, thou hadst better have been Eunuch,
Thou common womans curtesie, then thus
Lascivious, basely to have bent mine honour.
A friend? I'le make a horse my friend first!
Iohn.
Holla, holla,
Ye kicke to fast sir: what strange braines have you got,
That dare crow out thus bravely? I better been a Eunuch?
I privy to this dog tricke? cleare your selfe,
For I know where the wind sits, and most nobly,
Or as I have a life—
Fred.
No more: they'r horses.
A noyse within like horses.
Nor shew no discontent: to morrow comes;
Let's quietly away: if she be at home,
Our jealousies are put off.
Iohn.
The fellow
(Enter Duke, Petruchio.
We have lost him in our spleenes, like fooles.
Duke.
Come Gentlemen,
Now set on roundly: suppose ye have all mistresses,
And mend your pace according.
Pet.
Then have at ye.
Exeunt
| The Chances | |