University of Virginia Library

7. CHAPTER VII.
The Author becomes a Politician, and seeks for an office.—The result
of that project.

My essay in politics was soon made. I spent a
whole week in finding out who were the principal
office-holders, candidates, and busybodies, both in
the state and the general governments; and which
were the principal parties; there being so many,
that an honest man might easily make a mistake
among them. Being satisfied on these points, I
chose the strongest party, on the principle that
the majority must always be right, and attended
the first public meeting that was held, where I
clapped my hands and applauded the speeches
with so much spirit, that I was taken notice of
and highly commended by several of the principal
leaders. In truth, I pleased them so well, that
they visited me at my house, and encouraged me
to take a more prominent part in the business of
politics; and this I did, for at the next meeting, I

got up and made a speech; but what it was about
I know no more than the man in the moon, otherwise
I would inform the reader. My only recollection
of it is, that there was great slashing at
the banks and aristocrats that ground the faces of
the poor; for I was on what our opponents called
the hurrah side, and these were the things we
talked about. I received uncommon applause;
and, in fact, there was such a shouting and clapping
of hands, that I was obliged to put an end to
my discourse sooner than I intended.

But I found myself in great favour with the
party, and being advised by the leaders, who considered
I had a talent that way, to set about converting
all I knew in the county who were not of
our party, and they hinting that I should certainly,
in case the county was gained (for our county
happened to be a little doubtful at that time), be
appointed to the postoffice in the village, I mounted
my old horse Julius Cesar, and set out with
greater zeal than I had ever shown in my life before.
I visited everybody that I knew, and a great
many that I did not know; and, wherever I went,
I held arguments, and made speeches, with a
degree of industry that surprised myself, for certainly
I was never industrious before. It is certain,
also, that there was never a labourer in the
field of politics that better deserved his reward,—
never a soldier of the party ranks that had won a
better right to a share in the spoils of victory. I
do not pretend to say, indeed, that I converted anybody

to our belief; for all seemed to have made
up their minds beforehand; and I never yet knew
or heard of a man that could be argued out of his
politics, who had once made up his mind on the
subject. I laboured, however, and that with astonishing
zeal; and as I paid my own expenses,
and treated all thirsty souls that seemed approachable
in that way to good liquor, I paid a good
round sum, that I could ill spare, for the privilege
of electioneering; and was therefore satisfied that
my claim to office would hold good.

And so it did, as was universally allowed by all
the party; but the conviction of its justice was all
I ever gained in reward of my exertions. The
battle was fought and won, the party was triumphant,
and I was just rejoioing in the successful
termination of my hopes, when they were blasted
by the sudden appointment of another to the
very office which I considered my own. That
other was one of the aforesaid leaders, who had
been foremost in commending my zeal and talents,
and in assuring me that the office should be mine.

I was confounded, petrified, enraged; the duplicity
and perfidy of my new friends filled me
with indignation. It was evident they must all
have joined in recommending my rival to the office;
for he was a man of bad character, who must,
without such recommendations, have missed his
aim. All therefore had recommended him, and all
had promised their suffrages to me! “The scoundrels!”
said I to myself. I perceived that I had

fallen among thieves; it was clear that no party
could be in the right, which was led by such unprincipled
men; there was corruption at the heart
of the whole body; the party consisted of rogues
who were gaping after the loaves and fishes; their
honesty was a song—their patriotism a farce. In a
word, I found I had joined the wrong party, and I
resolved to go over to the other, sincerely repenting
the delusion that had made me so long the advocate
of wrong and deception.

But fortune willed otherwise. I had arrived at
the crisis of my fate; and before I could put my
purpose into execution, I was suddenly involved in
that tissue of adventure, which, I have no doubt,
will be considered the most remarkable that ever
befell a human being.