 | Pleasant Odes |  |
145
The Clerk of the Weather.
[Maundy-Thursday, 1900.]
147
I.
My dear Clerk of the Weather,—
Next week, as you know, will be a holiday week:
We are all going to the spas,
Or to Paris,
Or to Wembley,
Each man according to his taste—
Which is to say,
Each man according to his wife's taste
And the numerical extent of his family.
148
II.
Wherefore, sweet coz(Excuse this little term of endearment—
It is well meant)—
Wherefore, sweet coz,
I venture to approach you
With a pleasant ode,
Hoping by this means to propitiate you,
To put you in a good humour with yourself and mankind, as it were,
And to extract from you sundry favours.
149
III.
I think I may venture to remark, dear sir,That, taking you in the lump,
You are a person of infinite variety,
An out-and-out enemy of that unholy thing, monotony,
A sort of meteorological quick-change artist:
Indeed, it has been asserted
By a certain jocose American
That from your British office
You never issue any real weather at all,
Contenting yourself rather
With the brisk dissemination of samples—
But that is neither here nor there.
150
IV.
Sir, an' it please you,What we want for next week
Is sunshine in solid chunks,
Sunshine beneath which
Old and young may disport themselves
Merrily and as new-yeaned lambs,
And without fear of spoiling their gay apparel;
We also want specially fine mornings
(For it is an awful job getting the twins to the station when it rains);
We also want mild and fairly starlight evenings,
In order that the adolescent among us
May do a little useful Spring courting
Without suffering thereafter from cold in the head;
And lastly, we do not want anything in the way of rain, hail, snow, fog, mugginess, blackness, frowning, obnoxious winds, thunder, lightning, or kindred phenomena.
151
V.
Of course, I am well awareThat the Worshipful Company
Of Umbrella Makers and Mackintosh Manufacturers
Are, even at this present hour,
Busily importuning you
To make it rain like Billy-oh;
But my good, dear, kind, honest Clerk of the Weather,
You may take it from me
That the Company referred to
Do not in any way represent
Public feeling in this country—
Far from it, sir,
On the contrary, sir,
Quite otherwise!
152
VI.
And lest you should run away with an ideaThat in imploring you to do your best for my excellent friends the British public,
I am merely thinking about myself,
Let me assure you, dear sir,
That, next week, I do not propose
To leave the precincts of my own leasehold messuage,
On the third floor of which
I have a snug four-poster bed,
Also a large supply of improving literature,
And several pounds of tobacco;
With these and an occasional biscuit,
And a little wine for the stomach's sake,
I shall be quite happy
Even though it rain pitchforks
And thunder to the tune of “Green Sleeves.”
153
VII.
For all that,Please do be kind to the British public.
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