 | A Pleasant and VVitty Comedy : Called, A New Tricke to Cheat the Divell |  |
Actus Tertius
Scæne. 1.
Enter Slightall Melancholy.Sl.
A pistoll, Poniard, Poison, or a Cord,
The least of these would doe't; nay, my owne want
The time would end me, for since Charity late is dead,
How can beggers live? Death is the easiest
Of any thing on Earth for man to compasse;
Almost no object but doth offer it:
Fire, Water, not a Stone we stumble at;
Our very meat and drinke but surfeit of't,
It would dispatch one quickly: I have read
Of one choak'd with a flye; another drinking,
Strangled with the berry of a bruised grape,
Another with an haire; what's this life then
We men doe make so much of? if a Pin,
A very Haire hath power to take it hence?
Curs'd fall of man, in whose first disobedience
All things on Earth rebell'd, and warre with him:
How many thousand things hath Fate ordain'd
To stop weake natures course? and among them,
How few which can preserve it? which apprehension
Makes me that now I more desire to live,
The more my life's oppos'd: If there be Divills,
As all Religion tells us, I desire
To have converse and conference with some one
The greatest fiend among them, for by him
My Genius prompts me, either I shall raise
My ruin'd hopes, revenge me on my foes,
Or end my wretched dayes in this despaire.
I could turne Sorcerer, Witch, or any thing
Might I but blast her beauty, brave that Lord;
And shew some power o're my ingratefull friends;
The Divell, I, the Divell; what Musicke's this?
Musicke.
Descends it from the Spheares?
Hangs it in the Aire?
Or issues it from Hell? Come where it can
I will attend the Novell.
Ha? What art thou? I am a Scrivener. The Divell thou art.
Enter dauncing another straine, one written o're his breast,
I am a knave.
Stands as the other.
Why point'st thou to thy breast, I am a Knave?
The Proverbe were not true else, for it sayes, The Divell's a Knave.
Enter a third with this word, I am a Prodigall.
I am am a Prodigall? I was indeed, and thou dost well to
Mocke me; what fury sends Hell next?
Enter a fourth with this, I am a Begger.
I am a Begger? yes, I am indeed,
But how the Divell cam'st thou by my stile.
Enter a fifth with this, I am a Puritan.
I am a Puritane? one that will eate no Porke,
Doth use to shut his shop on Saterdayes,
And open them on Sundayes: A Familist;
And one of the Arch limbes of Belzebub,
A Iewish Christian, and a Christian Iew;
Now fire on thy sweet soule.
Enter a sixt with this, I am a Whore.
I am a Whore? yes, and a hot one too,
And had'st a helping hand in my confusion:
Now the same blessing on thee.
Enter a seventh with money Bagges, and this Motto,
I am an Usurer.
I am an Usurer, Satans eldest Son,
And Heire to all his torments; thou hast swallow'd
Yong heires, and Hell must one day swallow thee.
Enter an eighth with this, I am a Divell.
I am a Divell? good, 'tis the blacke Lad I so long wish'd to meete.
The Daunce continued, in the conclusion whereof, &c.
The Scrivener beares away the Knave; good Morrall.
The Prodigall the Begger; ever so;
The Familist the Strumpet, not amisse;
Oh but the Usurer still the Divell and all,
If thou hast any sufferance here on Earth,
Or limited power o're man, once more appeare
And offer me free language.
Enter the Divell like a Gentleman, with glasse eyes.
Di.
Did you call?
Sl.
Why, what art thou?
Di.
The Divell Belzebub, whom thou so late so loud didst invocate
Sl.
How cam'st thou by this shape of Gentleman?
Di.
As if all habits, fashions, and attires
Were not with me familiar? I sometimes
Into a Lawyer can transforme my selfe
To delay Causes; then to a Divine,
To devise new Sects, Scismes, and Heresies:
To a Taylor for new fashions: to a Sempster,
I was first Father for this yellow Sterch,
Which did succeed the blew; to a Feather-maker
For Gentlewomans Fans, mens spriggs, and falls;
Sometimes I am a Page, and daily attend
Upon my Lords luxurious appetites:
Then can I play the Master, Knight, and Lord,
And then coyne strange varieties of riots,
Lusts, and excesses, never heard before.
Indeed, what can I not?
Sl.
Bee good thou canst not?
Di.
It never was my study, and of all things I onely except that.
Sl.
Thou canst not pray?
Di.
Yes, both on soule and body, where I am suffered.
Sl.
Thou canst not Preach.
Di.
How then came all those Pulpit Heresies
That have with Christians, Christians set at odds?
I read to that great Doctor Arius,
That poyson'd three parts of the Christian World;
There's not a Sectary, nor a Scismaticke,
To whom I am not Tutor.
Sl.
Can I then taske thee in nothing?
Di.
No.
Sl.
Thou canst not—stay?
Thou canst not change affection, nor invert the passions of
The soule; turne hate to love, and love to hate.
Tush, that with ease I can.
Sl.
And revenge wrongs?
Di.
At pleasure.
Sl.
One thing more, and I conclude;
Thou canst not raise a man of desperate hopes
To a full furnish'd palme; to pay his debts,
And to give freely where he please to distribute?
Di.
Am I not Titled Prince of all the World?
And lyes there that in this great Universe
Excepted from my large Dominion?
Am I not Mammon too, the god of gold,
Soveraigne of all Exchequors, treasures, mints,
And those rich Mines that set the World at odds?
In search of which men hazard dangerous Seas,
Expose them to diseases, and strange Climates,
Above their natures: Gold? I am Father of it,
And have it in abundance.
Sl.
Then from can, I come to will; wilt thou, great
Belzebub, so much of thy huge surplusage make mine
As shall doe all that I have here propos'd?
Di.
I will; but on condition.
Sl.
Make thine owne.
Di.
That when thy wishes have attain'd effect,
Thou art full handled, hast paid all thy debts,
And nothing ow'st to any, I may then
Most freely claime thy soule.
Sl.
Come, strike me lucke; it is a bargaine:
Wee shall neede no witnesse.
Di.
Thy conscience is a Thousand, that shall serve;
Let me but have't confirm'd beneath thy hand,
And my Exchequor's open.
Sl.
'Tis confirm'd; I see the Divell yet hath more honesty
Then hath his Son, the Usurer; for to him
A man may pawne his soule a thousand times
Ere he can get a penny: but the Father's,
Of a farre more free nature.
Di.
Come, withdraw, we'le
Have't confirm'd within.
Exeunt.
Scæn. 2.
Enter Lord Skales, Treatwell, 2. Gentlemen, Geffery, and Mistris Changeable.Lo.
But is your house so haunted?
Wo.
Wondrously.
Lo.
How long hath it bin so?
Wo.
Ten daies, no more,
Part of that time that Slightall hath bin Mad,
My daughter past her sences.
Gen. 1.
The whole house?
Wo.
No, onely one by Chamber stands remote,
And in that after Midnight there's a noise,
That troubles the whole house of howlings, shrickes,
Fire-workes and Crackers, as if the great squib-maker
Were new come from beyond Sea.
Gen. 2.
Hath none seene the Vision?
Wo.
Onely my desperate Husband, who, one night,
Would be so foolish venturous as lodge there,
But did returne so frighted, told such wonders,
Still fright me to remember.
Tre.
'Tis most strange: sure 'tis some vex'd spirit that hath
Deceas'd of late from out the house: who dyed last in that Chamber?
Wo.
Heaven rest her soule, my mother.
Tre.
Perhaps hers; who having hid some treasure in her
Life time must, till that be discovered, walke of force,
The like I have read in Legends.
Gen. 1.
It hath bin common, though not in these dayes
Frequent, might I advise, I would seeke out for some
Religious man to exorcise the Spirit, and by that meanes
To banish thence the vision.
Lo.
Counsail'd well; there are in towne 4. severall sorts
of Friers, white and blacke Friers, Gray Friers and crutched Friers.
Gen. 2.
Good, you call to my remembrance
Among them, one expert in the Art of Necromancy,
His Name Frier Iohn, whom Islington hath
Made famous through London.
Gef.
Him I saw but now crosse by the doore.
Lo.
Good Geffrey finde him out, and gently intreat him hither,
But acquaint him not with the cause.
Gef.
Sir I shall doe't.
Tre.
But hath he done such strange things?
Gen. 2.
Wondrous sir; he can transhape his spirits, if fame
Or personate you; he could produce a Divell
In shape of this good ancient Gentlewoman.
Wo.
A Divell sir like me?
Gen. 2.
H'hath done't in habite of a Constable,
And may doe't in a Gentlewomans; for his commons
In the Friers he cares not, he can for a need
Conjure his bread from Spaine, from France his wine,
His dyet from the utmost of the Earth,
Thus hath his fame given out.
Gen. 1.
Would we might see him to make proofe of his cunning.
Enter Changeable, and his daughter Anne.
Chan.
And as I told thee Nan, beswayed by mee,
Ile make him thine, employ my industry,
Counsell and paines, to weane him by degrees
From his wild course of desperate Melancholy:
Ile seeke him out, perswade him, lay thy love
As open as the mid-day: hope in me
And doubt not to prevaile.
An.
Sir, I am yours.
Ch.
Thou knowest he loves me; I was still his friend,
And friend with friend what cannot he performe?
Make thy selfe mine, Ile crosse thy Mothers workings,
And foole that Lords attempts; onely be you of a more
Temperate humour, and more stay'd, observing but what I
Shall project for you, and doubt not my performance.
An.
You in all things
Have prov'd your selfe a Father: Ile henceforth
Strive to expresse a Daughter.
Ch.
Then enough.
Wo.
Here's now my Husband, he can speake it all.
Lo.
But ere I question that, of you, faire Mistris,
Let me be first resolv'd; is your Braine yet
In a more setled temper?
An.
Sir, it is; me thinkes I am new wakened from a
Dreame, in which I long have slumbering lost my selfe.
Wo.
And now art found.
An.
I am, thanke Heaven, and my good
Fathers counsell and advice.
I held it wife, a deed of charity, & did it for the Lords sake.
An.
Sir, henceforth I shall observe you better.
Lo.
You now have wreath'd me with a Crowne of hopes.
Wo.
Made me againe thy Mother, and this worke,
Your ever patient and obedient wife.
Chan.
Marry Heaven continue it wife, 'tis but need;
In conscience thou hast bin froward long enough.
Tre.
These things so well succeeding, pray resolve us
In what forme doth this Divell haunt your house.
Chan.
A womans sure.
Tre.
So I told you, sure your Mothers.
Chan.
Troth she was somewhat shrewish like my wife,
But yet I thinke not hers.
Tre.
Your reason sir?
Chan.
This apparition was the full portract of a young beautious Lady.
Gen. 1.
On my life Acadna then.
Lo.
Acadna? what's Acadna?
Gen. 1.
A harmelesse Spirit fashion'd from the Aire,
And yet assuming substance, shape and forme,
That where she loves, doth all the Offices
Of a faire Lady: can supply with gold.
Gen. 2.
And all things to man usefull.
Chan.
So I have heard; but this cannot be she,
For this had with her beauty so much terrour,
So much affright and horrour in her lookes,
Such a confused noyse, with hellish sounds
Able to drive the sences retrograde;
Turne reason into madnesse, and invert
Capacity to fury; that, I vow
I would not to be heire of all the World
Endure like night againe.
Enter Geffrey & Frier Iohn.
Gen. 2.
Here comes the Frier, the man can best instruct us.
Io.
Haile Gentlemen, this man that stands at Livery
And saith he doth belong to a great Lord.
Hath partly by intreates, part by command,
Enforc'd me from my meditations backe
To know his Lordships pleasure.
Lo.
Welcome Frier, 'tis told us thou canst exorcise a spirit,
Io.
Expect you such things from religious men,
And of our holy Order?
Gen. 2.
Come, we know you are an Artist in that hidden skill,
And have commerce with mighty Asterothe,
That great Arch Divell.
Io.
Now mercy Heaven, who hath seduc'd you thus?
Gen. 1.
Come, come we know it,
And this withall; in what men are most expect,
In that they are most dainty, and so you;
In Dauncers and Musitions 'tis found true;
Of all men, where they are most excellent,
They are most curious to expresse their skill,
So no question, you.
Gef.
Remember Islington, my Host, my Hostesse, and the Constable,
Should we be silent, every Oyster-wife,
Fish-wife, and those cry Milke and Orenges
Can speake of your rare supper; fye, Frier Iohn,
And so dainty to your friends?
Io.
Either I must take upon my selfe, and by some tricke evade it,
Or else shame that which I have done before.
Lo.
Nay gentle Frier.
Wo.
For reverence of your Order.
Tre.
As you would purchase us your lasting friends.
Gen. 1.
Or make us at our deaths,
Give Legacies unto your holy Couent.
Gen. 2.
Come, we know what you can doe, good Frier.
Io.
What, you make me a Conjurer?
Gef.
A man of Art, no more; so much we know you are.
Io.
Well, what's the businesse?
Lo.
This Gentleman, you know him.
Io.
My good Master.
Lo.
His house is haunted by a wicked spirit
Which we would have you by your Art remove.
Io.
As how?
Lo.
To lodge one night within the Chamber,
And know of it the cause of its disturbance,
Or what might be the will of the deceass'd,
Which knowne, and being performed, the troubled Ghost
Io.
Lodge where the foule fiend walkes?
A propper jest t'expose me to such danger,
So I might come to justifie the Proverbe,
Where had the Divell the Frier, but where he was;
But I must face it out: Pray Gentlemen, which of you all
Hath seene that Vision? in what shape walkes it?
Chan.
Like a woman sir, but with such horrour
And astonishment, I tremble once to speake't.
Io.
And I to heare't.
What a shee Divell now? for all the World
I would not once affront her; bring me hither
Ten thousand male Fiends, I could charme their tongues
Before one Female fury.
Chan.
Sure this Frier is wittily conceited?
Io.
Had it bin great Belioth, Asteroth, or Belzebub,
I durst affront them, and confront them too,
Oh but the Divells Dam; why against her
There is no Prayer, no Spell, no Exorcisme;
No Circle that can hold her: But appear'd she
Wrinckled in Brow or faire and beautifull?
Chan.
As lovely to the view as flourishing May,
Clad in the pride of Spring.
Io.
So much the worse,
Well wot you that our Order is by Oath
Confin'd from any meeting with that Sex,
Especially at Midnight; and so late;
Scarce in the day-time durst I meet a face
Of such Temptation, but in dead of rest
'Twould scandalize my Order.
Chan.
Presse him not, if he be so precise.
Io.
Heavens Benison and mine light on you till I meet you next;
But to lye there where a she Divell haunts,
(Lesse with my Hostes by at Islington)
May the Grand Divell fetch me, blesse you all.
Exit.
Chan.
Tush, Schollers still are Cowards, let him passe,
Daughter, you still are mine?
An.
Else not my owne.
Enough; will any of you Gentlemen,
In that my last nights lodging second me?
Lo.
'Tis too full of terrour; Geffrey wilt thou?
Gef.
Offer my selfe to the Divill before my time?
You might accuse my folly.
Chan.
Or any heere?
Gen. 1.
Not I.
Gen. 2.
Nor I.
Chan.
It shall be then my care to finde out one
To conjure downe this spirit, and doubt it not.
Lo.
So much for that: But Mistris, what from me,
Except you to expresse my gratitude
For this so late a favour?
An.
Onely this; t'avoyd all imputation fame may cast
Upon my honour touching Slightalls fall,
In which the World may thinke I had chiefe hand:
'Tis but to find him out, and on his poverty
Bestow some small reliefe.
Lo.
Now as I live, Ile doe't with a full and
Plentious hand if that be all.
Tre.
Ile aide him in the search to make
That sweet conclusion.
Ch.
In the meane time't shall be my providence
To have my house unhaunted; come my Lord,
Leade you the way, my wife and I will follow.
Remember Nan.
Exeunt.
Scæn. 3.
Enter Roger.Rog.
Want whil'st I have, or heare my pockets chide?
While his are silent? there's no justice in't:
And if he doe while my Exchequor lasts,
May I be held a Proverbe made to cast
In every false Groomes teeth?
Vsu.
Is this the day?
Scri.
It is.
Vsu.
Art sure?
Scri.
Upon my—
Usu.
What? thy faith?
Scri.
Upon my Eares 'tis true.
Usu.
I will not trust to heare-say, let thine eyes
Proclaime what's written in this Almanack,
If this be the set Day.
Quindecem Michaelis, certainely the same.
Usu.
If't be not tendred then 'twixt Sun and Sun,
The Morgage is my owne.
Scri.
If you have the conscience to take the forfeit.
Use.
Conscience? what in that is wanting he shall find
Made good in Law.
Enter Slightall Gallant, and his Page with Mony-baggs.
Sl.
I see the Divell yet is good to some,
Though it repents me of the Bargaine seal'd,
Yet am I glad and proud of my supply;
Which the more precious is, being infinite,
Not capable of end; for Mammons treasure,
A prodigall hand may wast, but ne're consume.
Rog.
What sudden change is this? doe my eyes mock me,
Or must I call him Master?
Sl.
Roger? a hand; I know thou art in want, as one some
Weekes that hath bin out of service, take that gold
And spend it freely, when thou want'st here's more.
Rog.
And you are both in cash and sence likewise?
Sl.
Why man, 'tis want of mony makes men mad,
For that disease here's Physicke: honest Hodge,
Goe thou and summon all my Creditors,
Leave not a man to whom I owe, uncall'd,
And pay them to the utmost they demand;
Be so farre from bating of the Principall,
As pay them all arrerages; 'tis our will
And doe thou see't perform'd.
Rog.
From whence came this sir?
Sl.
What's that to thee? have we not here to doe't?
Those Debts that reckoned were meere desperate
First see discharg'd, unlesse some certaine Morgage tyed to a day.
Usu.
What Schreich-owles voice was that?
Sl.
Monsieur Damnation? what, are you so neere?
I know you sir, a Thousand pounds and th'use,
Tender the summe, there's gold, and bring me backe
The Morgage of my Mannour.
Usu.
I'me undone then: no hast good
Master Slightall, why to morrow,
Or the next day will serve, some fortnight hence,
Nay, were't a moneth, I could forbeare the money.
Quindecem Michaelis, you remember that,
I prethee see this man first satisfied,
And doe't without delay: if he deny
The tender of't Ile have it done in Court;
With such we must not dally quicke, good Hodge:
That once dispach'd, affaires of greater consequence
Attend thy trust and care.
Rog.
Come, will you walke sir?
Usu.
If needs I will, we Usurers are like women
Who conceive with great pleasure, and are delivered
With great paine; so we get our wealth with infinite joy.
And part with the least of it with infinite torment.
Sl.
To any man that can but shew my hand,
Or witnesse where I have but pass'd my word,
Pay ready downe, about it, and returne.
Rog.
And have we liv'd to see the golden age once more?
Now Geffrey, if I meete you I dare affront you boldly.
Exeunt. Manet Slightall.
Sl.
How want dejects, and plenty cherishes?
What a new change perceive I in my selfe?
Yet not so much in habite as in heart!
The sight of gold hath shooke off all those dumps,
Whose Leaden weights were hung upon my soule,
To keepe it downe from mounting; and I now
Finde in my selfe a free and dexterous spirit,
Uncapeable of cloudy Melancholy.
Ent. Lo. Treatwell, & Geffery.
Lo.
I must, as did my Mistris late enjoyne,
Passe in the search of this sad Gentleman, and to
His low dejected poverty cast some few peeces.
Tre.
If his pockets lining suite but to the out-side
Of his Cloaths, he hath small need of them.
Gef.
What, growne so brave? he hath sure lighted on some cheate?
Lo.
'Twas her injunction, and doubtlesse
Ile accost him; save you sir.
Sl.
I would be so, but 'tis not you can doe't.
Lo.
I understood that you were late in want?
Sl.
Not of a Wife; but for your Lord ships curtesie
I had had one too many, thanke you for it.
Lo.
I came to seeke you.
Sl.
For another? no,
Now much good doe't you with the thing you have,
Lo.
Leaving that; I understand you are a Gentleman
Nobly derived; but withall, y'are poore.
Sl.
You will not sell your Lordship?
Lo.
Who should buy't?
Sl.
Why he that askes the question, I, my Lord;
If you will walke by Land I'me your first man,
Ile bid as faire as any.
Lo.
He's mad still, leave him.
Gef.
A Bankerupt idle fellow brave your Lordship?
Beate him to's wits, or let me kicke him for you.
Sl.
Ha, what's that? who, Geffery Codpeice, Iohn Boe Peepe,
Is't you that prate so freely? my young Iudas,
Have you conspir'd against me?
Gef.
Endure this?
Lo.
Stay, first we will debate in friendly tearmes,
Before you grow to out-rage.
Sl.
Done most Lordly; your tongue will grace you
Better than your Sword, 'tis the most Noble fashion.
Lo.
I'le be briefe, I understood your state was much
Decay'd, which in my honour I commiserating,
My purpose was in some sort to relieve you;
And would you better understand your selfe,
It might appeare a noble courtesie,
Because it came so free and uncompell'd
Sl.
Such as one Neighbour to another doth
To get his wife with Child, a courtesie, and so it fitly may
Be call'd because it brings him to his Knees.
Tre.
Still, still misprision; might I advise you, proffer
What you purpose, and if refus'd, so leave him.
Lo.
Counsail'd well: there's twenty pieces for you.
Sl.
For a wife? Her Ladyship is yours for nought already,
And should I sell her twice?
Lo.
This saucy fellow usurpes upon our patience,
Which we'le punish be our strong hand.
Sl.
A punisher, my Lord? what beg the Beadles Office?
Gef.
Dash out's braines.
Sl.
I doubt his Lordships warrant is not currant, therefore Ile not obey.
As they strive to oppresse him, Ent. Rog. They 2. beate of the other 3.
Rog.
Sir, all's dispatcht, but by my faith I lye,
Here's something here to doe.
Why Godamercy Master, I perceive
Sl.
Thankes to thy Sword, or I had bin oppress'd else.
Rog.
But how differ'd you? to be assail'd by such a shamefull odds.
Sl.
They scoff'd at my supposed poverty,
And my great Lord forsooth, as I had begg'd,
Would have bestowed his guerdon on my want,
Which taking in foule scorne, the valiant sir
Assail'd me at these base advantages:
But hast thou done as I enjoyn'd?
Rog.
Most carefully; all's to the full dispatch'd.
Sl.
If with the Divell. I could dispence as well,
I should have ease within.
Rog.
Ha, sirra Geffrey, I
Thinke you plaid at leape Frog?
Di.
You are sad sir?
Enter the Divell, and claps Slightall on the shoulder.
Sl.
Doe not demand thy debt before the day;
Thy forfeit is not due yet.
Di.
No such thing; the businesse that I come to treat with thee
Is of another nature.
Rog.
Sir, what's he?
Sl.
To hot for thy acquaintance, doe not aske,
Attend me to my Chamber, whether anon, I will not faile to come.
Rog.
Too hot, and why? he may be honest, but he hath the
Countenance of an old subtle knave; well, Ile attend you.
Ex.
Sl.
Now what to me?
Di.
Have I not kept my word?
Sl.
Thou hast.
Di.
Stor'd thee with all the suppliments
Mans use can aske.
Sl.
It cannot be deny'd.
Di.
Nay, was not I assistant in this quarrell, prompting thy
Man to come to thy release, just at the instant danger:
Sl.
His approach was fortunate and happy.
Di.
Then speake freely,
Did'st ever in thy life time meete a friend,
Whose word, assured trust, and constancy
Could ranke with mine in all things?
Sl.
Never any; but what may this inferre?
Di.
Proofe of thy gratitude, or to be term'd unthankefull.
Sl.
Speake wherein.
Di.
Wilt thou in meere
Requitall of so many, doe to me one faire Office?
Sl.
First propose it, and then expect an answer.
Di.
There's a house haunted with a she spirit, one of my
Servants, and Kitchin maides in Hell, employ'd by me
For some knowne causes, who hath play'd such prankes there
This bed would I have thee to undertake.
Sl.
To send me to Hell before my day? your plot is too apparant.
Di.
Still amisse; have not I power o're al my creatures there
To limit and command them? art not thou
One of our house by Indenture? though to them
Shee appear'd gastly, horrid, and deform'd,
To thee she shall seeme faire and beautifull,
No whit inferiour to that Græcian Queene,
That launcht 12000. Ships from Aulis Gulfe,
And brought them to the fatall siege of Troy.
Sl.
Make but this good, Ile do't.
Di.
And so confirme thee
A Minyon to the mighty Belzebub,
And great in our blacke Kingdome.
Exeunt.
| A Pleasant and VVitty Comedy : Called, A New Tricke to Cheat the Divell | |