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 | The new mirror for travellers and guide to the
springs |  |
From this letter, which we assure our readers is of
the first authority, it will appear sufficiently apparent
that the elegant tourist should so arrange his pleasures,
for business he ought not to have any, as either to arrive
at New York after, or quit it before the first day of
May. Previous to his departure, it will be proper for
the traveller, if a gentleman, to furnish himself with the
following indispensable conveniences, viz.:
The New Mirror for Travellers, and Guide to the
Springs. N. B. Be careful to ask for the New Mirror.
Two shirts. N. B. Dickies, or collars, with ruffles,
will answer.
Plenty of cravats, which are the best apologies for
shirts in the world, except ruffles.
Six coats, including a surtout and box coat. N. B.
If you cant afford to pay for these, the tailor must suffer
—there is no help for him.
Forty pair of pantaloons, of all sorts. Ditto waistcoats.
Twelve pair of white kid gloves.
Twelve pair of boots. N. B. If you wear boots altogether,
economy is a blessed thing.
Twelve tooth brushes.
Twelve hair brushes.
Six clothes brushes—one for each coat.
A percussion gun and a pointer dog. N. B. No
matter whether you are a sportsman or not—it looks
well.
A pair of pistols, to shoot a friend now and then.
An umbrella, which you can borrow of a friend and
forget to return.
A portmanteau without any name or initials, so that
if you should happen to take some one's else, it may
pass for a mistake. N. B. Never make such mistakes,
unless there is some special reason for it.
A pocket book, well filled with bank notes. If you
cant raise the wind, with the genuine, you may buy a
few counterfeits cheap. Any money is good enough
for travelling, and if one wont take it another will.
Dont be discouraged at one refusal—try it again. If
you are well dressed, and have a gun and a pointer dog,
no one will suspect you. N. B. There are no police
officers in the steam boats.
There is one class of travellers deserving a whole
book by themselves, could we afford to write one for
their especial benefit. We mean the gentlemen who,
as the African negro said, “walk big way—write big
book;”—tourists by profession, who explore this country
for the pleasure of their readers, and their own profit,
and travel at the expense of the reputation of one country,
and the pockets of another; who pay for a dinner
steam boat, by retailing the information of the steward
or coxswain; to whom the sight of a porpoise at sea
affords matter for profitable speculation; who make
more out of a flying fish than a market woman does out
of a sheep's head; and dispose of a tolerable storm at
the price of a week's board. These are the travellers
for our money, being the only ones on record, except
the pedlars, who unite the profits of business with the
pleasures of travelling—a consummation which authors
have laboured at in vain, until the present happy age of
improvements, when sentimental young ladies wear spatter-dashes,
and stout young gentlemen white kid gloves;
when an opera singer receives a higher salary than an
archbishop, and travels about with letters of introduction
from kings!
Of all countries in the world, Old England, our kind,
gentle, considerate old mamma, sends forth the largest
portion of this species of literary “riders,” who sweep
up the materials for a book by the road side. They are
held of so much consequence as to be patronized by the
government, which expends large sums in sending them
to the North Pole, only to tell us in a “big book,” how
cold it is there; or to Africa, to distribute glass beads,
and repeat over and over the same things, through a
score of huge quartos. With these we do not concern
ourselves; but inasmuch as it hath been alleged, however
unjustly, that those who have from time to time
honoured this country with their notice, have been
guilty of divers sins of ignorance, prejudice, and malignity,
we here offer them a compendium of regulations,
avoid these offences, and construct a “big book,”
which shall give universal satisfaction.
Rules for gentlemen who “walk big way—make big
book.”
Never fail to seize every opportunity to lament, with
tears in your eyes, the deplorable state of religion
among “these republicans.” People will take it for
granted you are a very pious man.
Never lose an opportunity of canting about the sad
state of morals among these republicans. People will
give you credit for being very moral yourself.
Whenever you have occasion to mention the fourth of
July, the birth day of Washington, or any other great
national anniversary, dont forget to adduce it as proof
of the bitter hostility felt by these republicans towards
the English, and to lament these practices, as tending
to keep up the memory of the revolution, as well as to
foster national antipathies.
Be very particular in noticing stage drivers, waiters,
tavern keepers, and persons of importance, who, as it
were, represent the character of the people. Whenever
you want any deep and profound information, always
apply to them:—they are the best authority you
can have.
If you happen to fall in company with a public man
in the stage or steam boat, take the first opportunity of
pumping the driver or waiter. These fellows know
every thing, and can tell you all the lies that have ever
been uttered against him.
If you dine with a hospitable gentleman, dont fail to
repay him by dishing up himself, his wife, daughters, and
dinner in your book. If the little boys dont behave respectfully
towards you, and sneak into a corner with
their fingers in their mouths, cut them up handsomely
—father, mother, and all. Be sure you give their
names at full length; be particular in noting every dish
on the table, and dont forget pumping the waiter.
Tell all the old stories which the Yankees repeat of
their southern and western neighbours, and which the
latter have retorted upon them. Be sure not to forget the
gouging of the judge, the roasting of the negro, the
wooden nutmegs, the indigo coal; and above all, the
excellent story of the wooden bowls. Never inquire
whether they are true or not; they will make John Bull
twice as happy as he is at present.
Never write a line without having the fear of the
reviewers before your eyes, and remember how poor
Miss Wright got abused for praising these republicans
and sinners.
Never be deterred from telling a story to the discredit
of any people, especially republicans, on the score of
its improbability. John Bull, for whom you write, will
swallow any thing, from a pot of beer to a melo-drama.
He is even a believer in his own freedom.
Never be deterred from telling a story on account of
its having been told over and over again, by every
traveller since the discovery of America by the literati
of Europe. If the reader has seen it before, it is only
meeting an old friend; if he has not, it is making
a new acquaintance. But be sure you dont forget to
from another is to give him all the credit, and is almost
as bad as robbing your own house. There is nothing
makes a lie look so much like truth as frequent repetition.
If you know it to be false, dont let that deter
you; for as you did not invent it yourself, you cannot
be blamed.
Abuse all the women in mass, out of compliment to
your own country women. The days of chivalry are
past, and more honour comes of attacking, than defending
ladies in the present age of public improvements.
Besides all the world loves scandal, and a book filled
with the praises of one nation is an insult to the rest of
the world.
If the stage breaks down with you, give the roads no
quarter.
If you get an indifferent breakfast at an inn, cut up
the whole town where the enormity was committed,
pretty handsomely. If a bad dinner, deprive the whole
nation of its morals. If a sorry supper, take away the
reputation of the landlady, the cook, and the landlady's
daughters incontinently. And if they put you to sleep
in a two bedded room, although the other bed be empty,
it is sufficient provocation to set them all down for infidels,
thereby proving yourself a zealous Christian.
Never read any book written by natives of the country
you mean to describe. They are always partial;
and besides, a knowledge of the truth always fetters the
imagination, and circumscribes invention. It is fatal
to the composition of a romance.
Never suffer the hospitalities and kindness of these
enjoying them. You may eat their dinners and receive
their attentions; but never forget that if you praise the
Yankees, John Bull will condemn your book; and that
charity begins at home. The first duty of a literary
traveller is to make a book that will sell; the rest is between
him and his conscience, and is nobody's business.
Never mind what these republicans say of you or your
book. You never mean to come among them again;
or if you do, you can come incog. under a different
name. Let them abuse you as much as they please.
“Who reads an American book?” No Englishman
certainly, except with a view of borrowing its contents
without giving the author credit for them. Besides,
every true born Englishman knows, that the
shortest way of elevating his own country, is to depress
all others as much as possible.
Never fail to find fault with every thing, and grumble
without ceasing. People wont know you for an Englishman
else.
Never mind your geography, as you are addressing
yourself to people who dont know a wild turkey from
Turkey in Europe. Your book will sell just as well if
you place New York on the Mississippi, and New Orleans
on the Hudson. You will be kept in countenance
by a certain British secretary of foreign affairs, who is
said to have declared the right to navigate the St.
Lawrence inadmissible to the United States, because it
would give them a direct route to the Pacific.
You need not make any special inquiries into the
state of morals, because every body knows that republicans
body knows they tolerate all religions, and of course
can have none. Nor of their manners, because as there
is no distinction of ranks recognized in their constitution,
every body knows they must be all blackguards. The
person most completely qualified of any we ever met with
for a traveller, was a worthy Englishman, who being
very near sighted, and hard of hearing, was not led
astray by the villany of his five senses; and what was
very remarkable his book contained quite as much truth
as those of his more fortunate contemporaries who were
embarrassed by eyes and ears.
If the tourist belongs to the “last best work,” the
following articles are of the first necessity in a visit to
the springs.
Six fashionable hats, in bandboxes. N. B. The
steam boats are pretty capacious, and from Albany to
the springs, you can hire an extra.
Two lace veils to hide blushes. If you never blush,
there is no harm done.
An indispensable for miscellaneous matters. Beware
of pockets and pick pockets.
Two trunks of bareges, gros de Naples and silks.
Two trunks of miscellaneous finery.
A dressing case.
One large trunk containing several sets of curls well
baked, prepared by Monsieur Manuel.
The last Waverley.
Plenty of airs.
Ditto of graces.
Six beaux to amuse you on the journey. N. B. A
poodle will do as well.
A dozen pair of white satin shoes to ramble about in
the swamps at Saratoga and Ballston. Leather smells
vilely, and prunelle is quite vulgar.
Six dozen pair of silk hose, the thinnest that can be
had. There is nothing so beautiful as flesh colour with
open clocks.
A travelling chain, the largest and heaviest that can
be had, to wear round the neck. This will furnish the
beaux with a hint for saying clever things about chains,
darts, &c. and the poodle can sometimes play with it.
There is no occasion for a pocket book, as papa
(or his creditors) pays all, and young ladies ought never
to know any thing about the value of money, it sophisticates
the purity of their unadulterated sentiments.
These principal requisites being procured you take
the steam boat for Albany. If you are in a great hurry,
or not afraid of being drowned in going ashore at West
Point, or blown up by the way, take one of the fastest
boats you can find. But if you wish to travel pleasantly,
eat your meals in comfort, associate with genteel company,
sleep in quiet, and wake up alive, our advice is to
take one of the SAFETY BARGES, where all these advantages
are combined. It grieves us to the soul to see
these sumptuous aquatic palaces, which constitute the
very perfection of all earthly locomotion almost deserted,
by the ill advised traveller—and for what? that
he may get to Albany a few hours sooner, as if it were
not the distinguishing characteristic of a genteel man of
what to do with. Let merchants, and tradesmen, and
brokers, and handicraft people, and all those condemned
to the labour of hands, to whom time is as money,
patronize the swift boats; and let those who are running
away from justice affect these vehicles; but for the man
of leisure, whose sole business is to kill time pleasantly,
enjoy himself at his ease, and dine free from the infamous
proximity of hungry rogues, who devour with their
eyes what they cant reach with their hands, the safety
barges are preferable even to the chariot of the sun.
N. B. We dont mean to discourage people who may
cherish the harmless propensity to be blown up—every
one to their taste.
The following hints will be found serviceable to all
travellers in steam boats.
In the miscellaneous melange usually found in these
machines, the first duty of a man is to take care of himself—to
get the best seat at table, the best location on
deck; and when these are obtained to keep resolute
possession in spite of all the significant looks of the
ladies.
If your heart yearns for a particularly comfortable
seat which is occupied by a lady, all you have to do is to
keep your eye steadily upon it, and the moment she gets
up, dont wait to see if she is going to return, but take
possession without a moment's delay. If she comes
back again, be sure not to see her.
Keep a sharp look out for meals. An experienced
traveller can always tell when these amiable conveniences
on the part of the ladies, and a mysterious agitation
among the male species, who may be seen gradually
approximating towards the cabin doors. Whenever
you observe these symptoms, it is time to exert yourself
by pushing through the crowd to the place of flagons.
Never mind the sour looks, but elbow your way with
resolution and perseverance, remembering that a man
can eat but so many meals in his life, and that the loss
of one can never be retrieved.
The most prudent and infalliable arrangement, however,
is that generally pursued by your knowing English
travellers, which is as follows: As soon as you have seen
your baggage disposed of, and before the waiters have
had time to shut the cabin doors, preparatory to laying the
tables, station yourself in a proper situation for action
at one of them. The inside is the best, for there you
are not in the way of the servants. Resolutely maintain
your position in spite of the looks and hints of the
servants about, “Gentlemen being in the way,” and
“No chance to set the tables.” You can be reading a
book or a newspaper, and not hear them; or the best
way is to pretend to be asleep.
Keep a wary eye for a favourite dish, and if it happens
to be placed at a distance, or on another table, you
can take an opportunity to look hard at an open window,
as if there was too much air for you, shrug your shoulders,
and move opposite the dish aforesaid.
The moment the bell rings, fall to; you need not
wait for the rest of the company to be seated, or mind
the ladies, for there is no time to be lost on these occasions.
eyes moving about, from one end of the table to the
other, in order that if you see any thing you like, you
can send for it without losing time. Call as loudly and
as often as possible for the waiter; the louder you call,
the more consequence you will gain with the company.
If he dont mind you, dont hesitate to snatch whatever
he has got in his hands, if you happen to want it.
Be sure to have as many different things on your plate
at one time as possible, and to use your own knife in
cutting up all the dishes within your reach, and particularly
in helping yourself to butter, though there may be
knives on purpose. N. B. It is of no consequence
whether your knife is fishy or not.
Dont wait for the dessert to be laid, but the moment a
pudding or a pie is placed within your reach, fall to and
spare not. Get as much pudding, pie, nuts, apples,
raisins, &c. on your plate as it will hold, and eat all together.
Pay no attention to the ladies, who have or ought to
have friends to take care of them, or they have no business
to be travelling in steam boats.
The moment you have eaten every thing within your
reach, and are satisfied nothing more is forthcoming, get
up and make for the cabin door with a segar in your
hand. No matter if you are sitting at the middle of the
inner side of the table, and disturb a dozen or two of
people. They have no business to be in your way. If
it is supper time and the candles lighted, you had best
light your segar at one of them, and puff a little before
you proceed for fear it should go out. N. B. If
meals, the attendants, and the boat, in an audible tone,
as Englishmen do, it will serve to give people an idea
you have been used to better at home.
Never think of pulling off your hat on coming into
the cabin, though it happens to be full of ladies. It
looks anti-republican; and besides has the appearance
of not having been used to better company.
Never miss an opportunity of standing in the door
way, or on the stairs, or in narrow passages, and never
get out of the way to let people pass, particularly ladies.
If there happens to be a scarcity of seats, be sure to
stretch yourself at full length upon a sopha or a cushion,
and if any lady looks at you as if she thought you might
give her a place, give her another look as much as to
say, “I'll see you hanged first.”
If the weather is cold get directly before the stove,
turn your back, and open the skirts of your coat behind
as wide as possible, that the fire may have fair play.
If you happen to be better dressed than your neighbour,
look at him with an air of superiority; and dont hear
him if he has the impudence to speak to you. If it is
your ill fortune to be dressed not so well, employ a
tailor as soon as possible to remedy the inferiority.
Be sure to pay your passage, if you have any money.
If you have none, go to sleep in some out of the way
corner, and dont wake till the last trumpet blows.
Dont pay any attention to the notification that “no
smoking is allowed abaft the wheel;” but strut about
the quarter deck, and the upper gallery, among the
ladies with a segar on all occasions. There are so
that it will naturally be supposed you cant read, and
of course dont know of the prohibition. If you can
get to the windward of a lady or two, so much the
better.
Whenever you are on deck by day, be sure to have
this book in your hand, and instead of boring yourself
with the scenery, read the descriptions which will be
found infinitely superior to any of the clumsy productions
of nature.
N. B. These rules apply exclusively to gentlemen,
the ladies being allowed the liberty of doing as they
please, in all respects except six.
They are not permitted to eat beef steaks and mutton
chops at breakfast, unless they can prove themselves
past fifty.
They must not sit at table more than an hour, unless
they wish to be counted hungry, which no lady ought
ever to be.
They must not talk so loud as to drown the noise of
the engine, unless their voices are particularly sweet.
They must not enact the turtle dove before all the
company, unless they cant help it.
They must not jump overboard, at every little noise
of the machinery.
They must not be always laughing, except they have
very white teeth.
With these exceptions, they may say and do just what
they like, in spite of papa and mama, for this is a free
country.
| The new mirror for travellers and guide to the
springs | |