University of Virginia Library

Actus 4.

Scæna 1.

Enter Ricardo and 2 Suter at one dore, and Valeria, and 1 Suter at an other dore.
Ric.
It goes well hitherto, my sweet Protector.

2 Suter.
I, and shall still to th'end, to th'end my honey,
Wherefore have I enough, but to hav't goe well sir?

1 Suter.
My whole State on't; thou overthrowst him Widow.

Val.
I hope well still sir.

1 Suter.
Hope? be certain Wench:
I make no question now, but thou art mine,
As sure as if I had thee in thy night-geer.

Val.
By'r Lady, that I doubt Sir.

1 Suter.
Oh 'tis cleer wench
By one thing that I markt.

Val.
What's that good sweet sir?

1 Suter.
A thing that never faild me.

Val.
Good sir, what?

1 Suter.
I heard our Counsellour speak a word of comfort
Invita voluntate, hah, that's he wench,
The word of words, the precious chief y'faith.

Val.
Invita voluntate, what's the meaning sir?

1 Suter.
Nay there I leave you, but assure you thus much,
I never heard him speak that word i' my life,
But the cause went on's side, that I markt ever.

2 Suter.
Doe, doe, and spare not: thou wouldst talk with her.

Ric.
Yes, with your leave, and liking.

2 Suter.
Doe, my adoption,
My chosen child, and thou holdst so obedient
Sure thou wilt live, and cozen all my kindred.

Ric.
A Childs part in your love, that's my ambition sir.

2 Suter.
Goe, and deserve it then: please me well now;
I love wrangling a life Boy; ther's my delight,
I have no other venery but vexation,
That's all my honey now: smartly now to her,
I've enough and I will have my humour.

Ric.
This need not ha'been Widow.

Val.
You say right sir.
No, nor your treacherie, your close conspiracie
Against me for my wealth, need not ha' been neither.

Ric.
I had your fairly, I scorn treacherie
To your woman that I never ment to marry,
Much more to you whom I reserv'd for wife.

Val.
How, wife?

Ric.
I, Wife, Wife, Widow, be not ashamd on't,
It's the best calling ever woman came to,
And all your grace indeed, brag as you list.

2 Suter.
Ha, ha.

Val.
I grant you sir, But not to be your wife.

1 Suter.
Oh, oh.

Ric.
Not mine? I think 'tis the best bargain
That ere thou mad'st i'thy life, or ever shall agen,
When my heads laid: but that's not yet this threescore year,
Let's talk of neerer matters.

Val.
Y'ar as neer sir
As ere y'ar like to be, if Law can right me.

Ric.
Now before conscience, y'ar a wilfull housewife.

Val.
How?

Ric.
I, and I fear you spend my goods lavishly.

Val.
Your goods?

Ric.
I shall miss much I doubt me,
When I come to look over the Inventorie.

Val.
Ile give you my word you shall sir.

Ric.
Look too't Widow,
A night may come will call you to accompt for't.

Val.
Oh if you had me now sir in this heat
I doe but think how youl'd be reveng'd on me.

Ric.
I, may I perish else; if I would not get
Three Children at a birth, and I could o'thee.

1 Suter.
Take off your yongster there.

2 Suter.
Take off your Widow first,
He shall have the last word, I pay for't dearly;
To her agen sweet Boy, that sides the weaker.
I have enough, and I will have my humour.

[Enter Brandino and Martino.]
Val.
O Brother see I'm up to th'ears in law here;
Look, Copy upon Copie.

Bra.
'Twere grief enough if a man did but hear on't
But I'm in pain to see't.

Val.
What sore eys still Brother?

Bra.
Worse, and worse Sister; the old womans water
Do's me no good.

Val.
Why, t'as helpt many sir.

Bra.
It helps not me I'm sure—

Marti.
Oh, oh.

Val.
What ayls Martino too?

Mar.
Oh, oh, the tooth-ach, the tooth-ach.

Bra.
Ah poor worm, this he endures for me now.
There beats not a more mutuall pulse of passion,
In a kind husband when his wife breeds child,
Than in Martino; I ha' mark't it ever,
He breeds all my pains in's teeth still: and to quit me,
It is his eye-tooth too.

Mar.
I, I, I, I.

Val.
Where did I hear late of a skilfull fellow,
Good for all kind of Malladies? true, true sir,
His flag hangs out in town here, i'th' Cross Inn,
With admirable cures of all conditions,
It shews him a great travelling, and learnd Emperick.

Fra.
Wee'll both to him Martino.

Val.
Hark you Brother,
Perhaps you may prevail, as one indifferent.

1 Suter.
I, about that sweet Widow.

Val.
True; speak low sir.

Bra.
Well, what's the business, say, say.

Val.
Mary this Brother.
Call the young man aside, from the old Woolf there,
And whisper in his ear a thousand dollars
If he will vanish, and let fall the Sute,
And never put's to no more cost and trouble.

1 Suter.
Say me those words good sir, Ile make 'em worth
A chain of gold to you, at your Sisters wedding.

[Enter Violetta.]
Bra.
I shall doe much for that.

Val.
Welcome sweet heart,
Thou com'st most happily, I'm bold to send for thee
To make a purpose good.

Viol.
I take delight forsooth
In any such employment.

1 Suter.
'Good wench trust me

Ric.
How Sir, let fall the Sute? 'life Ile goe naked first.

Bra.
A thousand Dollars sir, think upon them.

Ric.
Why they'r but a thousand Dollars, when they'r thought on.

Bra.
A good round summe.

Ric.
A good round Widow's better,
There's meat and money too. I have been bought
Out of my lands, and yielded, but (sir) scorn
To be bought out of my affection.

Bra.
Why here's ev'n just my Universitie spirit,
I priz'd a piece of red Deer, above gold then.

Ric.
My Patron would be mad, and he should hear on't.

Mar.
I pray what's good Sir, for a wicked tooth?

Ric.
Hang'd, drawn, and quartring; is't a hollow one?

Mar.
I, 'tis a hollow one.

Ric.
Then take the powder
Of a burnt Warrant, mixt with oil of Felon.

Mar.
Why sure you mock me.

Ric.
'Troth I think I doe sir.

2. Suter.
Come hither honey; What's the news in whispers?

Bra.
He will not be bought out.

Val.
No? that's strange Brother.
Pray take a little pains about this project then,
And try what that effects.

Bra.
I like this better;
Look you sweet Gentles, see what I produce here
For amities sake, and peace, to end all controversie;
This Gentlewoman my charge left by her friends,
Whom for hir person, and hir portion,
I could bestow most richly, but in pittie
To her affection, which lyes bent at you sir,
I am content to yield to her desire.

Ric.
At me?

Bra.
But for this jar, 't had ne'r been offerd.
I bring you flesh, and money, a rich heir,
And a Maid too, and that's a thing worth thanks, sir:
Nay, one that has rid fifteen mile this morning
For your love onely.

2. Suter.
Honey, hearken after her;
Being rich, I can have all my money there:
Ease my purse well, aud never wage law further.
I have enough, yet I will have my humour.

Ric.
Doe you love me forsooth?

Viol.
Oh infinitely.

Ric.
I doe not ask thee, that I meant to have thee,
But only to know what came in thy head to love me.

Viol.
My time was come sir, that's all I can say.

Ric.
'Las poor soul, where didst thou love me first prethee?

Viol.
In happy hour be't spoke, out at a window sir.

Ric.
A window? prithee clap it too, and call it in agen:
What was I doing then should make thee love me?

Viol.

Twirling your band-string, which me thought became you
so generously well.

Ric.

'Twas a good quality to choose a husband for: That
love was likely to be ty'd in Matrimonie, that begun in a bandstring:
yet I ha' known asmuch come to passe ere now upon a
tassell. Fare you well Sister; I may be cozend in a Maid, I cannot
in a Widow.

2. Suter.
Art thou come home agen; stickst thou there still?
I will defend thee still then.

1. Suter.
Sir your malice
Will have enough on't.

2. Suter.
I will have my humour.

1. Sut.
Beggery will prove the spunge.

2. Sut.
Spunge i' thy gascoyns,
Thy gally-gascoyns there.

Ric.
Hah brave Protector.

Bra.
I thought 'twould come to open Wars agen,
Let 'em agree as they will; two testie Fopps,
Ile have a care of mine eyes.

Mar.
I, of my chops.

Exeunt.

Scæna 2.

Enter Latrocinio and Occulto, (a Banner of Cures and Diseases hung out.)
La.
Away, out with the Banner, send's good luck to day.

Occ.
I warrant you; your name's spread Sir, for an Emperick.
Theres an old Mason troubled with the Stone,
Has sent to you this morning for your counsell,
He would have ease fain.

La.
Mary I cannot blame him sir.
But how he will come by't, there lyes the question,

Occ.
You must do somewhat sir, for hee's swoln most piteously,
Has urine in him now was brew'd last March.

La.
'Twill be rich geer for Dyers.

Occ.
I would 'twere come to that sir.

La.
Le' me see, ile send him a whole Musket-charge of Gun-powder.

Occ.
Gun-powder? what sir, to break the stone?

La.
I by my faith sir,
It is the likeliest thing I know to do't,
I'm sure it breaks stone-walls, and Castles down,
I see no reason, but't should break the stone.

Occ.
Nay, use your pleasure sir.

La.
'Troth, if that doe not
I ha' nothing els that will.

Occ.
I know that too.

La.
Why then thou'rt a Coxcomb to make question on't.
Goe call in all the rest, I have employment for them.
When the high-wayes grow thin with Travellers,
And few Portmantues stirring, as all trades
Have their dead time wee see; Thee very, poor takings,
And Lecherie cold doings, and so forwards still;
Then doe I tak my Inn, and those Curmoogions,
Whose Purses I can never get abroad,
I take 'em at more ease here i' my chamber,
And make 'em come to me, it's more state-like too:
Hang him that has but one way to his trade,
Hee's like a mouth that eats but on one side,
And half cozens his belly, specially if he dine among Shavers,
Enter all the rest Silvio, Stratio, Fiducio.
And both-handed feeders? Stratio, Silvio, and Fiducio,
I will have none left out, there's parts for you.

Sil.
For us? pray let's have 'em.

La.
Change your selves
With all speed possible into severall shapes
Far from your own, as you a Farmer sir,
A Grazier you, and you may be a Miller.

Fid.
Oh no, a Miller comes too neer a Theef,
That may spoil all agen.

La.
Some Country Taylor, then.

Fid.
That's neer enough by'r lady, yet Ile venture that;
The Miller's a white Devill, he wears his theft
Like Innocence in badges most apparently
Upon his nose, sometimes between his lips;
The Tailor modestly between his legs.

La.
Why pray, do you present that modest thief then,
And hark you, for the purpose.

Sil.
'Twill improve you sir.

La.
'Twill get believers, believe that my Masters,
Repute and confidence, and make all things cleerer;
When you see any come, repair you to me
As samples of my skill; there are few arts
But have their shadows Sirs to set 'em off;
Then where the Art it self is but a shadow
What need is there my Friends? make hast away sirs.

Exeunt.
Occ.
Where are you Sir?

[Enter Occulto.]
La.
Not far man; What's the newes?

Occ.
The old Justice sir, whom we rob'd once by Moon-light,
And bound his man and he in haycock-time
With a rope made of horse-meat, and in pittie
Left their Mares by 'em, which I think ere midnight
Did eat their hay-bound Masters both at libertie,—

La.
'Life, what of him man?

Occ.
Hee's enquiring earnestly
For the great man of art; indeed for you sir:
Therefore withdraw sweet sir; make your self daintie now,
And that's three parts of any profession.

La.
I have enough on't.

Exit.
[Enter Ansaldo.]
Occ.
How now, what thing's this?
Now by this light, the second part o'th' Justice
Newly reviv'd, with never a hair on's face,
It should be the first rather by his smoothness,
But I ha' known the first part written last:
'Tis he, or let me perish, the young Gentleman
We robd, and stript, but I am far from knowledge now.

Ans.
One word I pray Sir.

Occ.
With me gentle Sir?

Ans.
Was there not lately seen about these parts sir
A knot of fellows, whose conditions
Are privily suspected?

Occ.
Why doe you ask Sir?

Ans.
There was a poor young gentleman rob'd last night.

Occ.
Robd?

Ans.
Stript of all y'faith.

Occ.
Oh beastly Rascals.
'Las what was he?

Ans.
Look o'me, and know him sir.

Occ.
Hard-hearted villains, strip? troth when I saw you
Methought those cloaths were never made for you sir.

Ans.
Want made me glad o'em.

Occ.
'Send you better fortunes sir:
That we may have about with you once agen.

Ans.
I thank you for your wish of love, kind sir.

Occ.
'Tis with my heart y'faith; now store of coyn
And better cloaths be with you.

Ans.
Reads.
[Enter Brandino and Martino.

Bra.
Martino, is not yond my hinder parts?

Mar.
Yes, and your fore parts too Sir.

Bra.
I tro so,
I never saw my hind parts in my life else,
No, nor my fore ones neither: what are you sir?
Are you a Justice pray?

Ans.
A Justice? no truly.

Bra.
How came this Suit to you then?

Ans.
How, this Suit?
Why must he needs be a Justice sir, that wears it?

Bra.
You'l find it so: 'twas made for no body else.
I pai'd for't.

Ans.
Oh strange fortune, I have undone
The charitable woman.

Bra.
Hee'l be gone.
Martino, hold him fast, Ile call for aid.

Ans.
Hold me? oh curss of fate!

Mar.
Oh Mr, Mr.

Bra.
What ayls Martino?

Mar.
In my conscience
Has beat out the wrong tooth, I feel it now,
Three degrees of.

Bra.
Oh slave, spoild a fine Penman.

Ans.
He lackd good manners though: lay hands o' me?
I scorn all the deserts, that belong to't.

[Enter Latrocinio.]
La.
Why how now? what's the broil?

Bra.
The man of art
I take you sir to be.

La.
I'm the professor
Of those slight cures you read of in the Banner.

Bra.
Our business was to you most skilfull sir,
But in the way to you, right worshipfull
I met a thief.

La.
A thief?

Bra.
With my cloaths on sir,
Let but the Hose be searcht, ile pawn my life
Ther's yet the Tailors bill in one o'th' pockets,
And a white thimble that I found i' moon light,
Thou sawst me when I put it in Martino.

Mar.
Oy, oy.

Bra.

Oh, has spoild the worthiest Clark that ere drew Warrant
here.

La.
Sir, y'ar a stranger, but I must deal plain with you,
That Suit of cloaths must needs come only to you.

Ans.
I dare not say which way, that's my affliction.

La.
Is not your worships name Signior Brandino sir?

Bra.
It has been so, these threescore year and upwards.

La.
I heard there was a robbery done last night
Neer to your house.

Ans.
You heard a truth then sir,
And I the man was rob'd.

La.
Ah that's too gross
Send him away for fear of farther mischief,
I doe not like him, he's a cunning knave.

Bra.
I want but aid.

[Ent. 2 or 3 Servants.]
La.
Within there.

Bra.
Ceize upon that impudent thief.

Ans.
Then here me speak.

Bra.
Away;
Ile neither hear thee speak, nor wear those cloaths agen,
To prison with the varlet.

Ans.
How am I punish'd?

Bra.
Ile make thee bring out all, before I leave thee.

[Ex. with Ansaldo.
La.

Y'have took an excellent course with this
bold villain sir.

Bra.

I am sworn for service to the Commonwealth
sir,

[Enter Stratio, Silvio and Fiducio.]
What are these, learned sir?

La.
Oh they'r my patients.
Good morrow, Gout, Rupture, and Palsie.

Stra.
'Tis farewell Gout almost, I thank your worship.

La.
What no you cannot part so soon, I hope?
You came but lately to me.

Stra.
But most happily,
I can goe neer to leap sir.

La.
What you cannot?
Away I say, take heed, be not to ventrous though,
I've had you but three daies, remember that.

Stra.
Those three are better than three hundred sir.

La.
Yet agen?

Stra.
Ease takes pleasure to be known sir.

La.
You with the rupture there hernia in scrotum.
Pray let me see your space this morning, walk sir,
Ile take your distance strait: 'twas F. O. yesterday:
Ah sirha, here's a simple alteration,
Secundo gradu, ye F. U. already,
Here's a most happy change; be of good comfort sir,
Your knees are come, within three inches now
Of one an other; by to morrow noon
Ile make 'em kiss, and justle.

Sil.
'Bless your worship.

Bra.
You have a hundred pray'rs in a morning sir.

La.
'Faith we have a few to pass away the day with:
Taylor, you had a stitch.

Fid.
Oh good your worship
I have had none since Easter: were I rid
But of this whorson Palsey, I were happy;
I cannot thred my needle.

La.
No, that's hard,
I never markt so much.

Fid.
It comes by fits sir.

La.
'Las poor man: what would your worship say now
To see me help this fellow at an instant?

Bra.
And make him firm from shaking?

La.
As a steeple,
From the disease on't.

Bra.
'Tis to me miraculous.

La.
You, with your whoremaster disease, come hither;
Here, take me this round glass, and hold it stedfast,
Yet more sir, yet I say; so.

Bra.
Admirable.

La.
Goe, live, and thred thy needle.

Bra.
Here Martino:
'Las poor Fool, his mouth is full of praises
And cannot utter 'em.

La.
No, what's the malady?

Bra.
The fury of a tooth.

La.
A tooth? ha, ha,
I thought 't had been some Gangrene, Fistula,
Canker, or Ramex.

Bra.
No, 'its enough as 'tis sir.

La.
My man shall ease that streight, sit you down there sir,
Take the tooth sirha, daintily, insensibly:
But what's your worships malady, that's for me sir?

Bra.
Marry pray look you sir: your worships Counsell
About mine eyes.

La.
Sore eyes? that's nothing too sir.

Bra.
By'r Lady I that feel it think it somewhat.

La.
Have you no Convulsions? pricking aches sir,
Rupture, or Apostemates?

Bra.
No by my faith sir,
Nor doe I desire to have 'em.

La.
Those are cures,
There doe I win my fame sir: quickly sirrah,
Reach me the eye-cup hither: doe you make water well sir?

Bra.
I'm all well there.

La.
You feel no grief i'th' kidney.

Bra.
Sound, sound, sound sir.

La.
Oh here's a breath sir, I must talk withall
One of these mornings.

Bra.
There I think y'faith,
I am to blame indeed, and my Wifes words
Are come to passe sir.

Mar.
Oh, oh, 'tis not that, 'tis not that
It is the next beyond it; there, there, there.

Occ.
The best have their mistakings: now Ile fit you sir.

Bra.
What's that sweet Sir, that comforts with his coolness?

La.
Oh sovereign goer: wink hard, and keep it in sir.

Mar.
Oh, oh, oh.

Occ.
Nay, here he goes, one twitch more, and he comes sir.

Mar.
Auh, ho.

Occ.
Spit out. I told you he was gone sir.

Bra.
How cheers Martino?

Mar.
Oh, I can answer you now Master,
I feel great ease sir.

Bra.
So doe I Martino.

Mar.
I'm rid of a sore burden, for my part Master
Of a scal'd little one.

La.
Please but your worship now
To take three drops of the rich water with you,
Ile undertake your man shall cure you sir
At twice i'your own Chamber.

Bra.
Shall he so sir?

La.
I will uphold him in't.

Mar.
Then will I do't sir.

La.
How lively your man's now?

Mar.
Oh I'm so light me thinks
Over I was.

Bra.
What is't contents your worship?

La.
Ev'n what your worship please. I am not mercenary.

Bra.
My purse is gone Martino.

La.
How, your purse sir?

Bra.
'Tis gon y'faith: I'ave been among some Rascalls.

Mar.
And that's a thing
I ever gave you warning of Master, you care not
What company you run into.

Bra.
Lend me some money: chide me anon I pre'thee.
A pox on 'em for vipers, they ha' suckt blood o'me.

Mar.
Oh Master.

Bra.
How now man?

Mar.
My purse is gon too.

Bra.

How? Ile never take warning more of thee while I live
then, thou art an Hypocrite, and art not fit to give good counsell
to thy Master, that canst not keep from ill company thy
self.

La.
This is most strange sir: both your purses gon.

Mar.
Sir, I'de my hand on mine, when I came in.

La.
Are you but sure of that; oh would you were.

Mar.
As I'm of ease.

La.
Then, they'r both gon one way, be that your comfort.

Bra.
I but what way's that sir?

La.
That close knave in your Clothes h'as got 'em both,
'Tis well y'have clapt him fast.

Bra.
Why that's impossible.

La.
Oh tell not me sir: I ha' known purses gon,
And the Theef stand, and look one full i'th' face,
As I may doe your Worship, and your man now.

Mar.
Nay, that's most certain Master.

Bra.
I will make
That Rascall in my clothes answer all this then,
And all the robberies that have been don
Since the Moon chang'd; get you home first Martino,
And know if any of my wives things are missing,
Or any more of mine: tell her hee's taken,
And by that token he has took both our purses.

Mar.
That's an ill token Master.

Bra.
That's all one sir,
She must have that or nothing, for I'm sure
The Rascall has left nothing els for a Token.
Begon, make hast agen; and meet me pass o'th' way.

Mar.
Ile hang the villain,
And 'twere for nothing but the Sowce he gave me.

Exit.
Bra.
Sir, I depart asham'd of my requitall,
And leave this seal ring with you as a pledge
Of further thankfulness.

La.
No, I beseech you sir.

Bra.
Indeed you shall sir.

La.
Oh, your worships word sir.

Bra.
You shall have my word too, for a rare gentleman
As ere I met withall.

Exit.
La.
Cleer sight be with you sir;
If Conduit-water, and my Hostesse Milk
That comes with the ninth child now, may afford it.
'Life, I fear'd none but thee, my villanous toothdrawer,

Occult.
There was no fear of me; I've often told you
I was bound Prentice to a Barber once,
But ran away i'th' second year.

La.
I marry,
That made thee give a pull at the wrong tooth.
And me afraid of thee: what have we there sirs?

Occ.
Some threescore Dollars i'the Masters purse,
And sixteen in the Clerks, a Silver seal,
Two or three Amber beads, and four blank Warrants.

La.
Warrants? where be they? the best news came yet.
'Masse here's his hand, and here's his Seal I thank him,
This comes most luckily: one of our fellows
Was took last night, wee'l set him first at libertie,
And other good Boyes after him: and if he
In th'old Justices Suit, whom he rob'd lately,
Will come off roundly, wee'l set him free too.

Occ.
That were a good deed 'faith, we may in pitty.

La.
There's nothing done meerly for pitty now adaies,
Money or Ware must help too.

Song, in parts by the Thieves.
Give me fortune, give me health,
Give me freedome, Ile get wealth.
Who complains his fate's amiss,
When he has the wide world his?
He that has the Devill in fee,
Can have but all, and so have wee.
Give us fortune, give us Health,
Give us freedome, wee'l get wealth.
In every Hamlet, Town and Cittie,
He has lands, that was born wittie.

Exeunt.