University of Virginia Library

OVID TRAVESTIE. Epist. V. Penelope to Ulysses.

These Pen: present's with many kisses,
To be left for Goodman Ulysses.
Look all about, till at some neighbour's
You've found him, else you'l loose your labours,
The Wake at Troy, and Cudgell Play
Is done sure, then what makes you stay?
Since all our Parish are return'd!
Would Lord and Lady both were burn'd.
For keeping you so, to my sorrow:
Pray, who shall do your work tomorrow?
We shall be all undone; O heavens!
How all things lye at six and sevens!
Would our Nell had been hang'd for gadding
To be their Lady, with a fadding.
She with a Pox, made all this work
Made Greek and Trojans fight like Turk.
If she had stai'd and done what's fitting
Minded her carding and her knitting:
I should not need like doleful elf
To sit at home and spin my self:
And go at last a lone to bed,
No man can tell, alive or dead.
What is become of you you Rascall.
Yet like an honest wife I ask all.
I could not tell but that at Cud
Gels, you might draw some Trojan blood,
From broken Pate, or batter'd Shin,
And so the quarrel might begin.
Or for foul play, by vexed rabble,
Be knock'd at head and kill'd ith squabble.
There is a Plaguy rogue one Hector,
(Would he froms shoulders had his neck tore
Or from his body his arms broke off)
I can't abide to hear him spoke off.
They say he crack'd Ralph Doughty's noddle
As quickly as you'd sup up Caudle.
And threw Rob. Hood at Cornish hug;
As easily, as you'd drink jug:
Although he did Jack's doublet put on;
Because his own had nere a Button.
These Troians had no cause to brag
At last though, far you made 'em wag.
And though North threw us out so fast,
I'm sure West got the day at last.
And old great Barn, that many years
Had been Lord's house, was pull'd 'bout ears
But now all's done, and every body
Is come home, pretty sound and hoddy.
They've bust their Wives, and not to wrong 'em
There's not 'bove two crackt pates among 'em.
They kept us up last night awake
Long time, to hear what news from Wake.
They spit and spawl and in their drivell
Th'whole manner of the Pastimes reveal.
Here with his Thumb one draws the Green.
There once the Barn was to be seen.
Just there stood your goodman Ulysses
Here Hector such a man as this is.
Then with his finger draws out such
A bulky fellow men call Dutch.
Here comes me up a surly Trojan
Breaks poor Greek's pate, how pray, just so Jan
Says nimble Gossip; and as soon
With bended knuckle crack's knav's Crown
Here sits another with Lass prating:
And tells long story o'th' Bull-baiting.
How Dogs came on as fierce as Lion
And nose of Bull or eyes did flye on.
But strait were tost by crooked horn,
And on backs of spectators born.
And then how people do nought but shout
Although poor Cur has squelcht his guts out
Old Gransire grey-beard yclepy'd Nester
Told our boy Thomas all the rest, or
Else we hadn't known it; who came creeping
To Rhesus as he lay a sleeping:
And with quick hand, while none did spy,
Pick't both his pockets dextrously.
How dar'd you? had he wak't from sleep
You might perhaps have felt the whip
At tail of Cart, or had the story
O'th' Crime pinn'd o're you in Pillory.
In vain have you pull'd Barn to Ground,
If you are no where to be found.
'Tis to no purpose that wak's over,
If I must still be without Lover.
There's a Creature comes this road
But I enquire of your abode.
And if you clothes and victu'lls need.
Then send a line with care and speed,
To be deliver'd as aforesaid,
For what's once said, need's be no more said
We've sent to all towns hereabout
The Dee'l a bit we find you out.
Would Barn had still stood fast at Troy:
I should know where to have thee Boy.
Thou wouldst have been there with wench dancing:
Or else 'pon Doghorse on Green prancing.
And had they play'd still, as at first
At Cudgles, then I'd known the worst.
A Broken pate or bruised ancle
Is all they get, when most they wrangle.
Now to my sorrow, thou alass!
Art faln in Love with Country Lass.
Perhaps, who in best clothes and Hat
Came there to see she knew not what.
And hand in hand are gone to Ale-house
With other Wentches and their Fellows.
And there wilt spend thy time and money
Nere thinking on poor Pen. thy honny.
My Dad, if there's no way to cure it,
Say's I'm a fool if I'le endure it.
And, that he'll hang on the next bough
If there be not more men enow,
That would have Pen. with all their heart.
But we I hope shall never part,
I'le never leave Master Ulysses
No one has such a face as his is.
Here's all the neighbours hereabout
Come in and drink the strong Beer out.
I'me sure I cannot name 'em all
That dust it daily in our Hall.
There's not a Begger that we here of
But comes and sokes his jug of Beer oft
And among all this ragged rout
Will. Goatheard trowls the Bowl about.
I dare not these mad pranks oppose
For fear they'l have me by the nose:
And old Laertes fears as much
They'l come and take away his Crutch:
And then with nere a staff in hand Sir,
Down to the ground comes grey-beard Grand-sire
Then Tom. to quarrel is not fit
For he's a little simple Chit.
Were he but old enough no question
He'd box'em as well as the best on
Us all: He is of courage stout
But knows not how to lay about.
You must come teach him play at Cudgells
I'me sure to fight, he'l never budge else.
Old Daddy is so sleepy yonder
He scarce can hold eye-lyds a sunder.
Prithee come home let's go to bed
For sleep we all are almost dead
Since you went I have been so mouzell'd
Tumbled about, and toss'd and touzeled
That though my neighbours know me rich,
They say I look like ugly Witch.
If you come not soon, I may then chance
To fetch you homewards with a vengeance
For I your abscence do much resent,
And so I have no more at present.