 | CHAPTER VI. The monikins |  |
6. CHAPTER VI.
Better and better—More law and more justice—Tails and
heads; the importance of keeping each in its proper
place.
Noah was incontinently transferred to the place
of execution, where I promised to meet him in time
to receive his parting sigh, curiosity inducing me
first to learn the issue on the appeal. The Brigadier
told me in confidence, as we went to the other
hall, that the affair was now getting to be one of
great interest; that hitherto it had been mere boys'
play, but it would in future require counsel of great
reading and research to handle the arguments, and
that he flattered himself there was a good occasion
monikin reason really was.
The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and
altogether they presented a formidable array of
intellectual development. As the cause of Noah
was admitted to be one of more than common urgency,
after hearing only three or four other short
applications on behalf of the crown, whose rights
always have precedence on such occasions, the
Attorney-General of the King was desired to open
his case.
The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the
objections of both his adversaries, beginning with
those of my brother Downright. Forthwith, he contended,
might be at any period of the twenty-four
hours, according to the actual time of using the
term. Thus, forthwith of a morning, would mean
in the morning; forthwith at noon, would mean at
noon; and so on to the close of the legal day. Moreover,
in a legal signification, forthwith must mean
between sunrise and sunset, the statute commanding
that all executions shall take place by the light of
the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified
and confirmed each other, instead of conveying a
contradiction, or of neutralizing each other, as would
most probably be contended by the opposite counsel.
To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on
such occasions, objected pretty much the converse.
He maintained that all light proceeded from the
sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only
mean that there should be no executions during
eclipses, a period when the whole monikin race
ought to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith, moreover,
did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith
meant immediately; and “between sunrise
and sunset” meant between sunrise and sunset;
which might be immediately, or might not.
On this point the twelve Judges decided, firstly,
that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, that forthwith
had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was
illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a
wrong legal purpose; and, fifthly, that the objection
was of no avail, as respected the case of No. 1, sea-water-color.
Ordered, therefore, that the criminal
lose his tail forthwith.
The objection to the other sentence met with
no better fate. Men and monikins did not differ
more than some men differed from other men, or
some monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered,
that the sentence be confirmed with costs.
I thought this decision the soundest of the two; for
I had often had occasion to observe, that there
were very startling points of resemblance between
monkeys and our own species.
The contest now commenced between the two
Attorneys-General in earnest; and, as the point at
issue was a question of mere rank, it excited a
lively—I may say an engrossing—interest in all the
hearers. It was settled, however, after a vigorous
discussion, in favor of the King, whose royal dignity
the twelve Judges were unanimously of opinion
was entitled to precedency over that of the Queen.
To my great surprise, my brother Downright volunteered
an argument on this intricate point, making
an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the King's
dignity, as was admitted by every one who heard
it. It rested chiefly on the point that the ashes of
the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into
the culprit's face. It is true this might be done
physically after decapitation, but it could not be
done morally. This part of the punishment was
designed for a moral effect; and to produce that effect,
consciousness and shame were both necessary.
Therefore, the moral act of throwing the ashes into
he was living, and capable of being ashamed.
Meditation, Chief-Justice, delivered the opinion
of the bench. It contained the usual amount of
legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemed as very
eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred
and inviolable character of the royal prerogatives,
(prerogativæ, as he termed them,) and was so
lucid in pointing out the general inferiority of the
Queen-consort, that I felt happy her Majesty was
not present to hear herself and sex undervalued.
As might have been expected, it allowed great
weight to the distinction taken by the Brigadier.
The decision was in the following words, viz.—
“Rex et Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color: Ordered,
that the officers of justice shall proceed forthwith
to decaudisate the defendant before they decapitate
him; provided he has not been forthwith
decapitated before he can be decaudisated.”
The moment this mandamus was put into the
hands of the proper officer, Brigadier Downright
caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall
of justice, as if both our lives depended on our expedition.
I was about to reproach him for having
volunteered to aid the King's Attorney-General,
when, seizing me by the root of the tail, for the
want of a button-hole, he said, with evident satisfaction,—
“Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John!
I do not remember to have been employed, for some
years, in a more interesting litigation. Now this
cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a
close, has just reached its pivot, or turning point;
and I see every prospect of extricating our client
with great credit to myself.”
“How! my brother Downright!” I interrupted;
“the accused is finally sentenced, if not actually
executed!”
“Not so fast, my good Sir John—not so fast, by
any means. Nothing is final in law, while there is
a farthing to meet the costs, or the criminal can
yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent
way; much better than I have deemed it at any
time since the accused was arraigned.”
Surprise left me no other power than that which
was necessary to demand an explanation.
“All depends on the single fact, dear sir,” continued
my brother Downright, “whether the head is
still on the body of the accused or not. Do you
proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution;
and, should our client still have a head, keep
up his spirits by a proper religious discourse, always
preparing him for the worst, for this is no more
than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated
from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprize
me of the fact. I ask but two things of you—
speed in coming with the news, and perfect certainty
that the tail is not yet attached to the rest of
the frame, by even a hair.—A hair often turns the
scales of justice!”
“The case seems desperate—would it not be as
well for me to run down to the palace, at once;
demand an audience of their Majesties, throw myself
on my knees before the royal pair, and implore
a pardon?”
“Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient
reasons: firstly, there is not time; secondly, you
would not be admitted without a special appointment;
thirdly, there is neither a King nor a Queen.”
“No King in Leaphigh!”
“I have said it.”
“Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall
be obliged to refute what you say, by the evidence
of my own senses.”
“Your senses will prove to be false witnesses
then. Formerly there was a King in Leaphigh;
the nobles and grandees of the country, deeming
it indecent to trouble His Majesty with affairs of
state any longer, took upon themselves all the trouble
of governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole
duty of reigning. This was done in a way to save
his feelings, under the pretence of setting up a barrier
to the physical force and abuses of the mass.
After a time, it was found inconvenient and expensive
to feed and otherwise support the royal family,
and all its members were privately shipped to a
distant region, which had not yet got to be so far
advanced in civilization, as to know how to keep
up a monarchy without a monarch.”
“And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this
prodigy?”
“Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations
and decaudisations enough, even greater exploits
may be performed.”
“But am I to understand literally, brother Downright,
there is no such thing as a monarch in this
country?”
“Literally.”
“And the presentations?”
“Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy.”
“And the crimson curtains?—”
“Conceal empty seats.”
“Why not, then, dispense with so much costly
representation?”
“In what way could the grandees cry out that
the throne is in danger, if there were no throne?
It is one thing to have no monarch, and another to
have no throne. But all this time our client is in
great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particular
to act as I have just instructed you.”
I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was
flying towards the centre of the square. It was easy
enough to perceive the tail of my friend waving
already rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at
the first glance, I did not recognize his head. He
was, however, still in the body; for, luckily for
himself, and more especially for the success of his
principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had
rendered unusual preparations necessary for the
execution. As the mandate of the court had not
yet arrived—justice being as prompt in Leaphigh
as her ministers are dilatory—two blocks were
prepared, and the culprit was about to get down on
his hands and knees between them, just as I forced
my way through the crowd to his side.
“Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!”
exclaimed the rebuked Noah; “a ra'ally awful
situation for a human Christian to have his enemies
lying athwart both bows and starn!”
“While there is life there is hope; but it is always
best to be prepared for the worst—he who is thus
prepared never can meet with a disagreeable surprise.
Messrs. Executioners,”—for there were two,
that of the King and that of the Queen, or one at
each end of the unhappy criminal—“Messrs. Executioners,
I pray you to give the culprit a moment
to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his last
requests in behalf of his distant family and friends!”
To this reasonable petition neither of the high
functionaries of the law made any objection, although
both insisted if they did not forthwith bring
the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they
might lose their places. They did not see, however,
but a man might pause for a moment on the brink
of the grave. It would seem that there had been
a little misunderstanding between the executioners
themselves on the point of precedency, which had
been one cause of the delay, and which had been
disposed of by an arrangement that both should
down to his hands and knees, “moored head and
starn,” as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was
in the crowd, expressed it, between the two blocks,
his neck lying on one and his tail on the other.
While in this edifying attitude, I was permitted to
address him.
“It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my
dear Captain,” I said; “for, to speak truth, these
axes have a very prompt and sanguinary appearance.”
“I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead
you, I will own that I have been repenting
with all my might, ever since that first vardict.
That affair of the Lord High Admiral, in particular,
has given me a good deal of consarn; and I
now humbly ask your pardon for being led away
by such a miserable deception, which is all owing
to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who I hope will yet
meet with his desarts. I forgive everybody, and
hope everybody will forgive me. As for Miss
Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether
past expecting another consort, and she must be
satisfied to be a relic the rest of her days.”
“Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah—repentance
is the one thing needful, for a man in your
extremity.”
“I do—I do, Sir John, body and soul—I repent,
from the bottom of my heart, ever having come on
this v'y'ge,—nay, I don't know but I repent ever
having come outside of Montauk Point. I might,
at this moment, have been a schoolmaster or a
tavern-keeper in Stunin'tun; and they are both
good wholesome births, particularly the last. Lord
love you! Sir John, if repentance would do any
good, I should be pardoned on the spot.”
Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in
the crowd, and he asked of the executioners, as a
near, that he might take an affectionate leave of
him. This reasonable request was complied with,
in despite of poor Bob's struggles; and the youngster
had quite as good reasons for hearty repentance
as the culprit himself. Just at this trying
moment, the mandate for the order of the punishments
arrived, and the officials seriously declared
that the condemned must prepare to meet his fate.
The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke
submitted to the mortal process of decaudisation,
extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathy
in, every monikin present. Having satisfied myself
that the tail was actually separated from the body,
I ran, as fast as legs could carry me, towards the
hall of the twelve Judges. My brother Downright,
who was impatiently expecting my appearance,
instantly arose and moved the bench to issue a
mandamus for a stay of execution, in the case of—
“Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color.
By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and
Flirtilla, it was enacted, my Lords,” put in the Brigadier,
“that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer
loss of life, or limb, while it can be established that
he is non compos mentis. This is also a rule, my
Lords, of common law—but being common sense
and common monikinity, it has been thought prudent
to enforce it by an especial enactment. I presume
Mr. Attorney-General for the Queen will
scarcely dispute the law of the case—”
“Not at all, my Lords—though I have some
doubts as to the fact. The fact remains to be established,”
answered the other, taking snuff.
“The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil.
In the case of Rex versus Noah Poke, the court
ordered the punishment of decaudisation to take precedence
of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina
versus the same. Process had been issued from the
lost his cauda, and with it his reason; a creature
without reason has always been held to be non
compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not
liable to the punishments of life or limb.”
“Your law is plausible, my brother Downright,”
observed my Lord Chief Justice, “but it remains
for the bench to be put in possession of the facts.
At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared—”
“I pray you, my Lord, to remember that this is
a case which will not admit of three months' delay.”
“We can decide the principle a year hence, as
well as to-day; and we have now sat longer in
banco,” looking at his watch, “than is either usual,
agreeable, or expedient.”
“But, my Lords, the proof is at hand. Here is
a witness to establish that the cauda of Noah Poke,
the defendant of record, has actually been separated
from his body—”
“Nay—nay—my brother Downright, a barrister
of your experience must know that the twelve can
only take evidence on affidavit. If you had an
affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to
hear it, before we adjourn,—as it is, the affair must
lie over to another sitting.”
I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly
scent the peculiar odor of the burning tail; the
ashes of which being fairly thrown into Noah's face,
there remained no further obstacle to the process of
decapitation,—the sentence, it will be remembered,
having kept his countenance on his shoulders,
expressly for that object. My brother Downright,
however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so
simple a stumbling-block.—Seizing a paper that was
already written over in a good legal hand, which
happened to be lying before him, he read it, without
pause or hesitation, in the following manner:—
“Regina versus Noah Poke.
Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, }
this fourth day of the Moon. }
Personally appeared
before me, Meditation, Lord Chief Justice
of the Court of King's Bench, John Goldencalf,
Baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who,
being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., That
he, the said deponent, was present at, and did witness
the decaudisation of the defendant in this suit,
and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1,
sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated
from his body.—And further this deponent
sayeth not. Signature, &c.”
Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing
affidavit, (which existed only in his own brain,)
my brother Downright desired the court to take my
deposition to its truth.
“John Goldencalf, Baronet,” said the Chief Justice,
“you have heard what has just been read; do
you swear to its truth?”
“I do.”
Here, the affidavit was signed by both my Lord
Chief Justice and myself, and it was duly put on
file. I afterwards learned that the paper used by
my brother Downright on this memorable occasion,
was no other than the notes which the Chief Justice
himself had taken on one of the arguments in
the case in question, and, that seeing the names and
title of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter
to read his own writing, that high officer of the
crown had, very naturally, supposed that all was
right. As to the rest of the bench, they were in
too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read
affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of,
by the following decision.
“Regina versus Noah Poke, &c. Ordered, That
the culprit be considered non compos mentis, and
the peace for the remainder of his natural life.”
An officer was instantly dispatched to the great
square with this reprieve, and the court rose. I
delayed a little in order to enter into the necessary
recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up, at the
same time, the bonds given the previous night, for
his appearance to answer to the indictments. These
forms being duly complied with, my brother Downright
and myself repaired to the place of execution,
in order to congratulate our client,—the former
justly elated with his success, which he assured me
was not a little to the credit of his own education.
We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation
from the hands of the Philistines; nor was
he at all backward in expressing his satisfaction at
the unexpected turn things had taken. According
to his account of the matter, he did not set a higher
value on his head than another; still, it was convenient
to have one; had it been necessary to
part with it, he made no doubt he should have
submitted to do so like a man, referring to the fortitude
with which he had borne the amputation of
his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for his part,
he should take very good care how he accused any
one with having a memory, or any thing else, again,
and he now saw the excellence of those wise provisions
of the laws, which cut up a criminal in
order to prevent the repetition of his offences; he
did not intend to stay much longer on shore, believing
he should be less in the way of temptation on
board the Walrus than among the monikins; and,
as for his own people, he was sure of soon catching
them on board again, for they had now been
off their pork twenty-four hours, and nuts were
but poor grub for fore-mast hands, after all; philosophers
might say what they pleased about governments,
but, in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant
to have had a struggle with his belly—and he had
a thousand—that the belly didn't get the better;
that it would be awkward to lay down the title of
Lord High Admiral, but it was easier to lay down
that than to lay down his head; that as for a cauda,
though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion,
he could do very well without one, and when
he got back to Stunnin'tun, should the worst come
to the worst, there was a certain saddler in the
place, who could give him as good a fit as the one
he had lost; that Miss Poke would have been greatly
scandalized, however, had he come home after
decapitation; that it might be well to sail for Leaplow,
as soon as convenient, for in that country he
understood bobs were in fashion, and he admitted
that he should not like to cruise about Leaphigh,
for any great length of time, unless he could look
as other people look; for his part, he bore no one
a grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but Bob,
out of whom, the Lord willing, he proposed to have
full satisfaction, before the ship should be twenty-four
hours at sea, &c. &c. &c.
Such was the general tendency of the remarks
of Captain Poke, as we proceeded towards the port,
where he embarked and went on board the Walrus,
with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals
and post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the
calls of nature, and had all gone to their duty, swearing
they would rather be fore-mast Jacks in a well-victualled
ship, than the King of Leaphigh upon nuts.
The Captain had no sooner entered the boat,
taking his head with him, than I began to make my
acknowledgments to my brother Downright, for the
able manner in which he had defended my fellow
human being; paying, at the same time, some well-merited
compliments to the ingenious and truly philosophical
jurisprudence.
“Spare your thanks and your commendations, I
beg of you, good Sir John,” returned the Brigadier,
as we walked back towards my lodgings. “We
did as well as circumstances would allow; though
our whole defence would have been upset, had not
the Chief Justice very luckily been unable to read
his own handwriting. As for the principles and
forms of the monikin law,—for in these particulars
Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh,—as you have
seen them displayed in these two suits, why, they
are such as we have. I do not pretend that they
are faultless; on the contrary, I could point out
improvements myself—but we get on with them as
well as we can: no doubt, among men, you have
codes that will better bear examination.”
| CHAPTER VI. The monikins | |