University of Virginia Library

Scene Sixth.

—Hall in Ogre's Castle.
The Ogre discovered seated in his great chair of state—He is very fat and gouty.
Ogre.
The devil fly away now with the gout,
For making both my legs so mighty stout.
Fatter I grow each day instead of thinner,
Although I eat one baby less for dinner.
But that's my doctor's fault;—he can't be right,
To baulk so elegant an appetite;
I've a great mind to tear him limb from limb,
And with some salt and pepper swallow him;
Eat him, by way of proving to the elf
How he'd the starving system like himself;
Thus giving of my quality a sample,
To doctors all a terrible example!
(scratch at door)
There's some one scratching yonder like a cat.
Come in, you brute!—Come in, I say. Who's that?

Enter Puss.
Puss.
(remaining close to the door)
It's only me.

Ogre.
And who is me, say I?

Puss.
A person come for the cook's place to try.

Ogre.
Approach, and don't be frighten'd at my look;
I like my meals too well to eat my cook.
Besides, if I had been inclined to eat one,
Make yourself asy, I'd have ate my late one!

Puss.
Was he the worst, sir, that you ever had?

Ogre.
Why very nearly almost quite as bad.
Don't be alarmed.

Puss.
I'm not, sir, in the least.
(aside)
He frightens me to death, the nasty beast.

Ogre.
Approach! and don't be in a flutter, man,
Who told you of my place?

Puss.
The butter-man.

Ogre.
In the first place, how long, in your last place,
Were you allowed to shew your ugly face?

Puss.
Born in the house, I left it not till master
Died and left me,—an unforseen disaster.

Ogre.
That sounds well. Can you stand the kitchen fire?

Puss.
I've sat before it, sir, for days entire.

Ogre.
Can you dress children?

Puss.
That is not my trade;
A man-cook cannot be a nursery-maid.

Ogre.
Out, you spalpeen!—I don't mean wash and beat 'em!
Ar'n't you aware, you devil! that I eat 'em?
What kind of school have you been brought up at?
“The Child's Own Book” would teach as much as that;
But people's grown such wonderful big gabies,
They doesn't know that ogres feeds on babies.

Puss.
I beg your pardon, sir,—I quite mistook you;
You may eat safely—all that I shall cook you.

Ogre.
You'll find your tea and sugar, mind, young man.

Puss.
(aside)
Yes, and my milk, as usual,—where I can.

Ogre.
I give no wages, so they're never due;
The doctor's lowered me,—I'll hire you!
And now, before you take yourself away.
I'll tell you what to send me up to-day:
You'll find a negro in the safe;—go, take him,
Into an illigant black pudding make him.
I've lived too much, they say, on white meats lately,
And need a change of diet very greatly.
What are you staring at, you thief you—fly!

Puss.
That ring, 'sir.

Ogre.
It's a beautiful cat's eye!
You never see'd the likes on't, I'll be bound.

Puss.
My little brother, sir, had two, that's drown'd.

Ogre.
Drowned!

Puss.
Yes, in a pail—they let the water drop on him,
And then the cruel creatures put a mop on him.

Ogre.
Your brother never had two rings like that—
It's scarcer than a tortoise-shell Tom-cat.
This ring can change me, with the greatest ease,
To any sort of animal I please;—
A lion, for example.

Puss.
Oh! a lion
Must be a fearful brute to cast one's eye on.
(aside)
If he'd just turn himself into a mouse,
I'd pretty quickly be about his house.

Ogre.
Stand clear, now, and I'll shew you just for fun,
A lion shall astound your mother's son;
(Music—The Ogre disappears and a lion is seen on table)
Ar'n't you astounded?

Puss.
No—not in the least,
To see you as you now are—a great beast;
But that a mouse or anything so small,
You can become, I can't believe at all.

Ogre.
You can't, you fool!
Music—The lion disappears, and a mouse is seen in its place on the table.
What think you of me now, sir?

Puss.
I think that you're a mouse—but I am a mouser!

Leaps upon mouse, and then catches it up in his mouth and shakes it—Music gong—The Fairy Felina appears upon Ogre's chair, Puss carries the mouse to her, and drops it dead at her feet.
Fairy.
There's a good puss. You've done a glorious deed!
'Tis a great catch, and shews your famous breed.
The ring which on this mouse's leg you see,
(taking up and shewing mouse)
Was pilfered by a hostile sprite from me.
Complete your service to Felina's friend,
And on her aid and gratitude depend.

(Music—Fairy vanishes through chair)
Puss.
Here's luck! Now, master, I my word can keep!
What, ho! ye varlets! are you all asleep?
(Enter four Servants, six Pages, and Cook)
Rejoice! The Ogre's dead! and his young heir
Arrives to take possession! Quick, prepare
A ball and banquet, which shall all surpass,
To welcome home the Marquis Carabas!—
The King comes with him.
(trumpets without)
Trumpets They approach!
Run quick! ye knaves! and meet the royal coach.
(Music—they run out)
O glorious move! By this I check stern Fate,
Castle the King, and give my lord a mate!

Enter Marquis.
Marq.
What may this mean?

Puss.

The Marquis of Carabas is right welcome to his
castle.

Marq.

My castle! How have you managed it?

Puss.

I can't stop to tell you now, sir. I'm going to invite
his Majesty, the Princess Rosebud, and the whole court, to
a ball and supper.

(Exit Puss)

Marq.
I'm all astonishment!
When first I came before this castle fine,
I little dreamed it would so soon be mine;
The frowning turrets to my anxious sight
Appear'd to say, “You don't lodge here to-night.”
Suspicious, willingly, I would not be,
Yet fear this cat makes a cat's-paw of me.

(Exit)
Music—Re-enter Puss, in a rich robe, and with a white wand, ushering in King, Princess, Ralph, Baron, Maids of Honour, &c. All bow.
King.
Marquis, of your vast wealth no more a doubter,
We own your castle is an out-and-outer.

Marq.
Proud of your praise, my liege;—but pray be seated;
After your ride I fear you must be heated.

(Puss ushers King to chair of state)
King.
Lord Carabas, of Justice we've the bump,
And freely own that you're a slap-up trump.
(rising)
Now be it known to all men that we burn
To make this nobleman some great return
For having (for it's no use words to mince)
Invited and received us like a prince;
So as he seems to love our daughter here—
(aside to Princess)
And to be richer far than us, my dear—
The match is equal, and we are content
To let him wring from us our slow consent.
She knows we always let her have her way,
When it agrees with ours; so, child, what say
You to his plea, to which we don't demur?

Prin.
I shall in all my best obey you, sir.
(to Marquis, and giving her hand)
The breath of duty fans the torch of love;
So, Marquis, pray accept my hand—

Marq.
(taking it)
And glove!
Yet, hold! although Joy's cup is at my lip,
Justice must set it down before I sip:
Your kindness to a simple unknown youth
Touches my heart, and makes me own the truth.
I'm wealthy, Sire, but neither Marquis nor
At all the kind of man you take me for.
This morning, sir, I scarce was worth a rag.

Puss.
(aside to him)
Pray, sir, don't let the cat out of the bag!

King.
No whispering. There's treason in this mystery!
Speak out! This instant let us have your history!
Tremble!—to hoax us, if you've been so bold.

Marq.
My humble story in two lines is told:—
A jolly miller once had nephews three,
The youngest of them you behold in me.
These lands are mine, though not by public sale;
My cat knows all—but thereby hangs a talc.

King.
A miller and his cat! With rage I burst!

Marq.
I've told you all, sir—now you know the worst.

King.
The worst, indeed! Why, here's a pretty scrape!
We've had a most miraculous escape!

Marq.
It rends my soul to part with so much beauty;
But mends the hole, to think I've done my duty.

King.
Would'st catch a princess as you would a mouse?
Away! We turn ourselves out of your house.

Marq.
As, without her, I ne'er could live at ease,
I'd rather turn myself out, if you please.

King.
'Twere better so!

Prin.
Oh, father! call him back!
Though he's a miller, don't give him the sack!
Spare your poor daughter's heart this cruel shock;
He's proved himself the flower of the flock!
Sweet miller, I am yours!

(Throws herself into his arms)
Marq.
Ah! say you so?
Then thus will I defend you 'gainst each foe!

(drawing his sword)
King.
Ho, knaves there!—part them! What are you all at?
Arrest this Marquis, and hang up his cat!

The Guards and Courtiers seize and separate Marquis, &c.—Thunder and lightning—The back of the scene opens, and discovers the Fairy Felina on a large cat.
Fairy.
Hang Puss in Boots! Thou pompous fool, forbear!
Puss is my subject—touch him if you dare!
Forgive them, too—or, by this magic ring,
Thou shalt remain a goose, but not a king!

King.
I'm not the goose, ma'am, that would run contrary,
In an affair that's managed by a Fairy.
So let the old line end a tale of laughter—
(to Princess and Marquis)
Be married, and live happy ever after!

Finale—“The girl I left behind me.”
Marq.

King.

Puss.

Marq.

Chorus.