University of Virginia Library

5. CHAP. V.

I Shall not stop to record the minute incidents
that took place in the course of
this day's travel; or that of the two following
days; or relate the particulars of the
conversation of the Captain with Duncan,
or of Duncan with any other person. What
I have related, was chiefly with a view to
give some idea of the new valet's character
and manners.

I think it was the fourth day after leaving
the city, that the Captain casting up
his eyes at a place where there was a considerable
length of straightroad before him,
saw a person trudging on foot, who by his
make and gait, appeared to him to resemthe
new revenue officer, the quondam bog-trotter.
Duncan, said the Captain, if that
man was not on foot, that is before us, I
should take him for Teague O'Regan, the
waiting man that was in my service, and
who gave place to you; having obtained
a

a commission in the revenue, and become
an excise officer. But as I had equipped him
with a horse, it is not probable that he
could be without one already, and have
taken to his trotters, after being advanced
to be a limb of the government. It would
be a degradation to the dignity of office.

I dinna think, quoth Duncan, there is
muckle dignity in the office. What is he
but a gauger? that is of na more estimation
in our kintra than a hangman. There is na
ane that can live in an honest way without
it, will take the commission. Duncan, said
the Captain, it is not so in this country,
where the government is a republic; and
all taxes being laid by people, the collection
of every species is a sacred duty, and equally
honourable.

Honour! quoth Duncan. Do you talk
of honour in a gauger? If that be the way
of thinking in this kintra, I wish it were
back in Scotland. Every thing seems to
be orsa versa here; the wrang side uppermost.
I am but a simple waiting man to a
gentlemen like yoursel, and I wad na
take the office o' gauger upon me, for a'
Philadelphia, which is amaist as big as
Perth.

By this time they were within a small
dif

distance of the traveller, whom the Captain
reconnoitering more perfectly, discovered
absolutely to be Teague. The revenue
officer, turning round, he recognized
the Captain, and accosted him: “By
my shoul, and there he is, his honour himself;
the Captain, and a new sharvant that
he has trotting on foot, as I myself used to
do.” And as you seem to do yet, Teague, said
the Captain. What is become of the horse
I furnished you? Has he been stolen, or
has he strayed away from some pasture in
the course of your progress? By my shoul,
said the officer, neither the one nor the
oder of dese happened; but I met wid a
good affer on de road, and I took it. I
swaped him for a watch dat I have in my
pocket here. Bless de sweet little shoul of
it: It tells de hour of de day, and what
time of de clock it is, slapeing or waking;
and in de night time you have but just to
look at the face of it, and de sweet pretty
figures dat are dare, and you will know how
long it is before the morning come. Not
like de dumb beast, that could not answer
you a word in the night nor in the day;
but hold his tongue like a shape, and say
nothing; while dis little watch, as de call
it, can speak like a Christian creature, and
keep
keep company along de road like a living
person. It was for dat reason dat I took
it from a country man dat I met wid last
night at the tavern; and am now going on
by myself, and have no horse to take care
of, and plague me on de road, and give
me falls over his tail, and over his mane,
up hill and down hill, so dat I almost broke
my neck, and thought it safest to ride upon
my foot. Dat is truth, master Captain.
But who is dis son of a whore dat you have
wid you trotting in my place? Does he take
good care of your creature at night, and
clean your boots. I would be after bidding
him smell dis cudgel here dat I walk wid,
if he neglect a good master, as your honour
is.

The blood of Duncan was up at the idea
of being cudgelled by an excise officer;
and stepping up to Teague he lifted a cudgel
on his part. “Ye cudgel me, sirrah!
said the Caledonian. If it was na for his
honour's presence, I wad lay this rung on
your hurdies; or gie ye a rap upon the
crown; to talk sik language to your betters.
I should make ye ken what it is to
raise the blood of a Scotchman. You ca'
yourself a revenue officer. But what is
that but a guager? which is the next to a
hang

hangman in our kintra. Captain, will ye
stand by and see fair play, till I gie him his
paikes for his impertinence. My lug for
it, I sal make this rung rattle about the
bones o' his head to some tune.

With that Duncan was making his advance,
having raised his cudgel, and puting
himself in the attitude of a person accustomed
to the back sword; which Teague
on the other hand observing, accosted
him with softer words; not disposed to
risk an engagement with an unknown adversary.
Love your shoul, said he, if I was
after affronting you more than his honour
my master; burn me, if I don't love you,
just because you are my master's sharvant,
and takes care of his baste. I was only
jokeing. It is just the way I would spake
to my own dear cousin Dermot, if he were
here; for in Ireland we always spake backwards.
Put up your stick, dear honey, I
am sure the Captain knows that I was always
good-natured, and not given to quarrels;
though I could fight a good stick too
upon a pinch; but it never came into my
head to wrangle with my master's sharvant,
especially such a tight good looking fellow
as yourshelf, dat has a good shelalah in your
hand

hand, and is fitter to beat than to be beaten,
by shaint Patrick.

Duncan, said the Captain, you have
heard the explanation of the hasty words
the revenue officer at first used; and it
would seem to me, that, consistently with
the reputation of courage, and good
breeding both, you ought to be satisfied.

I dinna ken, quoth Duncan; it was a
vera great provocation to talk o' cudgeling;
and it may be the custom o' a friendly
salutation in Ireland, but no in our kintra.
While I ha a drop o' the blood o' St.
Andrew in me, I wad na gae up to sik civilities.

Said the Captain, as far as I can have
understood, St. Patrick and St. Andrew
were cousins, and you his descendants or
disciples ought to be on terms of amity.

St. Andrew a cousin to St. Patrick!
said Duncan. I canna acknowledge that,
Captain. St. Andrew was a guid Protestant,
and a Covenanter, but St. Patrick
was a Papist, o' the kirk o' Rome; and
did na keep the second commandment, but
worshipped graven images, and pictures o'
saints; and tuke the sacrament wie a wafer.
I shall never gie up that, Captain,
that St. Patrick was o' kin to St. Andrew.
They

They might be i' the ministry at the same
time; but there is a great difference in their
doctrine. Did ye e'er ready any o' the works
o' John Knox, Captain? Dinna ye ken,
that the church of Rome is the whore o'
Babylon? If ye had lived in the time o' the
persecution, ye wad na hae compared a
Scotch saint wie a Irish priest.

Said the Captain, I have no particular
acquaintance with the distinguishing renets
of the two Evangelists; nor do I know any
thing of them, save just to have understood
that the one had planted Christianity
in Scotland and the other in Ireland. But
this is not a point so material to us individually,
as that we cultivate peace, and
have no difference. I must therefore enjoin
it on you, Duncan, that you drop
your stick, and keep the peace towards the
revenue officer on the high way, that he
may not be delayed in going forward to enter
on the functions of his office. Said
Duncan, Since your honour says the word,
I shall lay down my stick; for I ken the
law better than to stand out against the civil
authority.

But Teague, said the Captain, how can
you distinguish the figures of your watch,
so as to tell the hours of the day; you that
do

do not understand figures? By my shoul,
said Teague, and I never tought of dat.
Will not the figures spake for demselves,
when I look at dem. I am sure, I saw the
son of a whore dat I got her from, look
at her, and tell the hour o' de day, like a
pracher at his books; and I am sure and
certain, dat such an ill-luking teef as he
was, could neither read nor write. But by
my shoul, if dat is de way, dat I have to
read de marks myself, I will swap her back
for a horse or a cow, on de road; or for
something else, dat will plase your honour
better; so dere is no harm done, plase
your honour, while we are in a christian
country, and can meet wad good paple to
spake to, and take a watch or a colt off
our hands, when we mane to part wid it,
plase your honour.

Such was the conversation at the first
interview of the Captain's family, to use
a military stile; and may be considered as
a sample of that which took place in the
sequel of this day's travel, as they proceeded
together until noon; when they
came to dine at a public house, and umbrage
was taken by Duncan, because the
Captain had permitted Teague to sit at table
with himself; which he did in respect
to

to the office which he held, and in order
to support its dignity. Captain, said Duncan,
coming to the hall door, and looking
in, d'ye permit an excise officer to sit
at the table wie your honour. For sik
profanation I never heard o' in a' my
born days; if it were in Scotland, it
wad cause a sight to the whole neighbourhood.
Does your honour ken that he is
an excise officer? Duncan, said the Captain,
it is a principle of good citizenship,
especially in a republican government, to
pay respect to the laws, and maintain the
honour of its officers. It is for this reason,
that I make it a point to honour one who
was lately my bog-trotter; not that I discern
in him any remarkable improvement
in talents or manners; but simply because
the government has discovered something;
and has seen fit to give him a commission
in the revenue. Who knows but
it may be your own fortune, at no distant
day to obtain an office, and will you not
think it reasonable then, that it should be
forgotten that you were once in the capacity
of a waiting man; and that you should
receive the respect and the precedence due
to your new dignity? it is not with us as
in monarchies, where the advance is gradual
dual
in most cases; though even there, an
individual through the favour of the
prince, or of the queen, or of a lady or
gentleman of the court, may have a sudden
promotion: but in a free state, what
hinders that the lowest of the people should
be taken up, and made magistrates, or put
into commissions in the revenue? I must
insist, Duncan, that you retire to the kitchen,
and take your dinner, and make
no disturbance in the house at this time;
you will come to understand better the
nature of offices in these commonwealths
in due time. Duncan retired; but in soliloquy
expressing his chagrin, at the strange
reversion of affairs in America, from what
they were in Scotland; and his mortification
at finding himself in the service of a
master, that could degrade himself by dining
with an excise officer.

Teague, on the other hand, though he
was silent in the hearing of Duncan, broke
out as soon as he had shut the door; Captain,
said he, plase your honour, where did
you pick up dat teef-luking son o'd a
whore, dat has no more manners, dan a
shape-stealer in Ireland; or a merchant
dat sells yarn at a fair. By saint Patrick,
if your honour had given me leave in de
road

road, I would have knocked his teet down
his troat; and if your honour will excuse
de table, I will go out and take him by
de troat, and make him talk to himself
like a frog in de wet swamps; de son of
a whore, to spake to your honour wid a
brogue upon his tongue, in such words
as defe.

By the brogue, Teague meant the Scottish
dialect, which Duncan used.

Teague, said the Captain, the prejudices
of education must be tolerated, until
time and experience of the world, has
lessened or removed them. He is an honest
fellow, and I have more confidence in
him, than I ever had in you, though his
talents have not appeared equal; at least
if I am to judge from the estimate made
of you, by these who have a better right
to judge than I have. However, I am unwilling
to have any disturbance between
you, and therefore, must insist that you
leave him to the reprimands which I myself
have occasionally given him, and shall
continue to give him, until he attains a
better knowledge of the nature of things
in this new hemisphere, so different from
those to which he has been accustomed.

This put an end to any altercation between
tween

the two, the revenue officer and the
waiting man, for the remaining part of
that day, as they trudged together, until
they came to the inn at night, and having
supped, were about to go to bed. It was
what in some places is called an Ordinary;
that is, an indifferent tavern, of but
mean accommodations. The house was
small, and there was but two beds for the
reception of strangers; one of these so indifferent,
as to appear fit only for the servant
of a gentleman, who might happen to
travel the road, though large enough to
contain two, or three persons. What it
wanted in quality of neatness, and perhaps
cleanliness, was made up in dimensions.
This bed therefore seemed naturally to invite
the reception of two of the company.

Teague, said the Captain, when about
to go to bed, I think Duncan and you, being
the younger men, may pig in together
in that large bed, and leave the other to
me who am an older man, and am apt to
tumble and toss a little, from weariness in
my ride; and may perhaps disturb you in
your sleep.

Guid deliver me, said Duncan, frae
sik a profanation o' the name o' Ferguson,
as to sleep wi' an excise officer. I
am

am na o' a great family, but I am come o' a
guid family; and it shall never be said that
I came to America to disgrace my lineage,
by sik contact as that. Gae to bed wi' an
excise officer! I wad sooner gae to bed out
o' doors; or i' the stable amang the horses.

The revenue officer was affronted at
this; and gave way to his indignation.
The devil burn me, said he, if I will be
after slapeing wid you, you son of a whore,
you teef luking vagabon; wid de itch upon
your back; I am sure all your country
has de itch; and keep scratching and
scratching, as if de ware in hell, and could
get brimstone for noting; you son o'd a
whore.

The youke! said Duncan. Do you impeach
me wi' the youke?

You impatche yourself, said the revenue
officer. Did not I see you scratching
as you came along de road; and do you
tink, you teef, dat I with to get de leprosy,
or de scurvy, and have to sleep in a
bag o' brimstone two or tree weeks, before
I be fit to travel wid his honour the
Captain again?

The deel damn me, said Duncan, if I
can bear that.

What, swear, Duncan? said the Captain,

or curse rather; you that are a Covenanter,
and have religious books in your
wallet, the Confession of Faith and the
Catechisms!

How can I help it, man, said Duncan.
The deel rive his saul, but I man be at
him.

Duncan had by this time seized his
walking staff, and put himself in an attitude
to attack his adversary, who on the
other hand had, instinctively, ensconced
himself behind the Captain, and opposed
him as a rampart to the fury of the Scot.

Duncan, said the Captain, you are in the
wrong on this occasion, you gave the asfront,
and ought to excuse the revenue officer
for what he has said, which, by the
bye, was not justifiable, on any other
ground but that of provocation. For national
reflections are at all times reprehensible.
But in order to compose this matter,
and that we may have no further disturbance,
I will take the large, though more
humble bed my self, and sleep with the
excise officer, for the reputation of the
government who has thought proper to
appoint him to this trust.

The deel take me if ye shall do that,
Captain, said Duncan; I wad rather take
the

the stain upon mysel, than let my liege be
disgraced; for it wad come a' to the same
thing in the end, that I had been the waiting
man o' ane that had been the bed fellow
o'a gauger. O! guid keep us, how that
would found in Scotland. What wad my
relation Willy Ferguson, that is professor
i' the high college o' E'nburgh, say to
that? But rather than your honour shou'd
take the stain upon you, I sal put up wie
it for a night; though if the landlady
has a pickle strae, and a blanket, I wad
rather lie by the fire side, than contaminate
mysel, beding wi' sik a bog-trotting
loon as he is, that wad gae into sik an
office for the sake o' filthy lucre, and to
make a living; when there are many honest
means to get a support other ways.

The landlady gave it to be understood
that she could furnish him with a bag of
straw and a blanket.

This adjusted the difficulty, and saved
the delicacy of the Scotchman, and embarrassment
of the Captain, in keeping peace
between the bog-trotters; as in reality they
both were, though the one had obtained
a commission, and the other remained a
private person.CHAP