LETTER V.
TO MISS HOWARD.
Philadelphia, March 28.
Clara, thou hast conquered me. I see
the folly of my last letter, and deplore it. It,
indeed, merited the indignation and the scorn
which it has received. Never shall you again
be grieved and provoked by the like folly. I
am now master of my actions and my thoughts,
and will steadily direct them to a single purpose,
the pursuit of the poor Mary, and the
promotion of her happiness.
How inconsistent and capricious is man.
To-day, his resolution and motives are as adverse
to those of yesterday, as those of one
man, can be, at any time and in any situation, to
those of another. Yesterday! Heaven preserve
me from a repetition of the same thoughts!
I shudder on looking back upon the gulf on the
brink of which I was tottering. How could I
so utterly forget my own interest; the regard
due to the woman who truly loves me; to my
sisters and my noble friend?
But the humiliation is now past. I think
it is: I am sure it is. I am serene, resolute,
and happy. The remorse my errors have produced
is now at an end. Better thoughts,
resolutions worthy of your pupil and your friend
have succeeded. Not that my past feelings
have been, perhaps, quite as culpable as you
describe them. My repinings were drawn from
fallacious sources, but they were not wholly
selfish. I imagined you loved me; that my
alliance with another, however sanctioned by
your judgment, would produce some regret.
Believing your judgment misinformed; believing
these regrets to be needless, I was not
willing to create them. I need not say that
this was all my reluctance. That would be
false; but, as they partly originated hence, my
feelings were not wholly selfish, and if I may
judge of my own emotions, surely you wrong
me in calling my passion by the odious name
of sensual.
But these things are past. You have not
done me justice; and in return, I have imputed
to you, feelings of which you knew nothing.
Henceforth, my conduct shall convince you
that I cannot stoop to solicit that boon from
your pity, which is refused by your love. Conjugal
claims and enjoyments are mutual. The
happiness received is always proportioned to
that conferred. A wretch, worthy of eternal
abhorrence, must he be, and endowed with
tyger-like ferocity, who seeks and is contented
with the person, while the heart is averse or
indifferent. Such an one, believe me, Clara,
am not I.
On Tuesday, I expect to dispatch all my
concerns in this city, and to proceed southward.
Adieu.
