LETTER XI.
TO E. HARTLEY.
New-York, April 15.
To describe the agony which my father's
silence produced, both to my mother and myself,
would be useless. Thanks to my God,
you are out of danger. I can now breathe
with freedom.
Tell me, beloved Edward, by your own
hand, or, if your weakness will not suffer it,
by that of your friend, that you forgive me.
O! that I were not at this unfriendly distance
from you! That I could pour out the tears
of my remorse, of my gratitude, of my love,
upon your hand. I am jealous of your lovely
nurse. She is performing those functions
which belong to me.
You are grateful for her services, are you
not? Not more so than I am. Give her my
fervent thanks....but stay, I will give them myself.
I will write to her immediately, tell her
of the obligations she has laid upon me, and
solicit her friendship. She is an angel, I am
sure.
Prithee, my friend, make haste and be
well; and fly to us. The arms of thy Clara
are open to receive thee. She is ready to
kneel to thee for pardon; to expiate her former
obduracy by years of gratitude and tenderness.
Lay on my past offences what penalty
thou wilt. The heavier it be the more cheerfully
shall I sustain it; the more adequate it
will be to my fault.
Mary....My heart droops when I think of
her. How imperfect are schemes of human
felicity. May Heaven assist me in driving
from my mind the secret conviction, that her
claim to your affection is still valid.
Alas! how fleeting is our confidence. Come
to me my friend. Exert all thy persuasive eloquence.
Convince me that I have erred in
resigning thy heart and hand to another; in
imagining the claim of Mary better than mine.
I call upon thy efforts to rescue me from
self-condemnation; but I call on thee without
hope. My reason cannot be deceived. The
sense of the injustice I have done her, will
poison every enjoyment which union with thee
can afford me.
Yet come. I repent not of my invitation.
I retract not my promise. Make me irrevocably
thine. I shall at least be happy while I
forget her, and I will labour to forget her.
Adieu.
