University of Virginia Library

SCENE IV.

—PRESENCE-CHAMBER IN THE KING'S PALACE.
Enter King Rumbustical, driving the Guards, Attendants, Court Physician, and the various Members of the Court, before him—They appeal to the King.
King.
Pooh! don't tell me—I'm in a rage outrageous!
I am Rumbustical, surnamed Rampageous;
My temper's bad—the slightest things upset it;
I want my way in everything, and get it,
There's not a man in all my wide dominions,
About my meaning can have two opinions;
Or, if he does, and daringly confesses it,
He'll rue the very moment he expresses it!
Groom of the Bedchamber, how was't—take warning—
[Groom advances, with tremulous knees.
My shaving-water didn't boil, this morning?
How dared you bring me lukewarm—look this way, sir—
Water, in which to dip my royal razor?
Confine the caitiff, fifty fathoms deep,
In lowest dungeon, 'neath the castle keep.
[Music—Groom borne off.
Where's the First Lord in Waiting?
[First Lord advances, nervously.
Sir, I found
My toast, this morning, blacked, instead of browned;
For this, until I hear of due repentance,
Twelve months in banishment shall be your sentence.
[Music—First Lord taken off.
There, having done what justice has required,
I feel as tranquil as could be desired.
SONG, King Rumbustical.—Air, ‘John Jones the Teetotaller.’
Where is my daughter? Don't you see I'm calm?
Where—I repeat, you needn't feel alarm—
[Raising voice.
Where is my daughter? why do you not reply?
Go off, or else your heads do, instantly.
Enter a grotesque Maid of Honour.
Oh! here is one, who, from her situation,
Ought to impart a little information.
Where is the Princess Amouretta? Pray, to her
State, that her father has a word to say to her.
[Exit Maid of Honour.
How quickly was that stern command obeyed,
And yet how mildly did it seem conveyed.
Her name will save each person I am rash on;
My little pet absorbs my greater passion.

[Music—Crash of glass without.
Enter Amouretta, with a Maid of Honour.
Amou.
There goes the glass—that either I or you did.
I'm always breaking something.

King.
[Advancing—Courtiers retire at bach.]
Hearts included.
Now, don't you think that it's a pity, rather,
My handsome child—how very like your father—
You should be—well, I'll mildly say—a dunce?

Amou.
As well, papa, have said a fool, at once.
You know I'm so like you!

King.
In face—for t'other,
I trace a great resemblance to your mother.

Amou.
That I am stupid, silly, I admit,
Unintellectual above a bit;
All this I own, yet hope that, by and bye,
I shall improve a little.

King.
So do I.
You drive away all suitors from the spot;
It's really time some husband that you got.
Can't you contrive to look a little wise?
Just shut your mouth, and open wide your eyes,
And something nice I think that I could send you.

Amou.
What's that, papa?

King.
A husband, who'd attend you
Where'er you go, yet never in the way;
Who all the bills that you run up, would pay;
Who would, with title, give you wealth and lands.
[Aside.]
And take a deal of trouble off my hands.

Amou.
What! let me have a nice new doll to play with,
Whose arms I might pull off and make away with!
Let me have sweetstuff, and not see me worried,
Because I can't spell cat or dog when hurried!
Nor bother me about the parts of speech,
Nor that twice two makes five would want to teach!

King.
That which you wish to do, will please your lover,
That which you can't do, leave him to discover.
Three more arrive, to seek your hand, to-day,
Even now, your suitors must be on the way.
Amongst the three, you'll have to make your choice.

Amou.
Please, pa, I think I've made it—it's a voice.

King.
A voice! whoever heard of such a thing?
A voice! whence came it? did it speak or sing?

Amou.
North, east, west, south, whence from? it puzzles me.

King.
A voice that had no compass I can see.
An echo, nothing more—if that we chase,
We start upon a neck o' nothing race.
How can mere sounds a woman's heart obtain?
Sounds, zounds! I am getting in a rage again.

Enter Herald, with Trumpet.
Herald.
Sire, I'm desired—

King.
You are, to quickly tell.

Herald.
Three princely suitors have arrived.

King.
'Tis well!
Admit them to our regal pleasure. Stay!
What ho! b'low there—trumpets, blow away.
[Exit Herald—vehement Flourish.
That ought to tell those waiting for admission,
Our country's in a flourishing condition.
[To Amouretta.]
Leave all the talking to your royal papa—
No word which shows the silly belle you are.

Music.—Herald and Guards usher in Prince Mannikin, a German Prince, short and stout, with Attendants, bearing presents—Change of Music to Oriental style, and enter Prince Gogmagog, a Tartar, very tall, with his suite, bearing presents—They range themselves on each side of the stage, King Rumbustical in the centre, having the Princess on his right—Attendants bring throne.
Mannikin.
From distant lands I come, oh King, to press
My suit, as suitor to the fair Princess.
The picture of her beauty, I must say,
Falls short of that which I behold to-day;
And, as the fair original does exceed
All that the painter painted her indeed,
So, just as much, my words will fail to show
How much more love I feel than she can know.

Gogmagog.
I also have beheld the lady's picture,
And in my heart have framed it as a fixture;
But, in few words, I say—'tis all I can—
If she requires a husband, I'm the man.

King.
Princes, you're welcome; my impartial eyes
Discern no difference 'twixt you, save in size.
But, tall and short, this problem here unriddling,
You don't inquire, but, thank you, I'm but middling.
I am anxious that my daughter should be married,
Ere, by some revolution, off I'm carried.
I have heard sometimes such things the people do,
Forswearing royalty in an Otho too;
And ere this crisis comes, I wish my daughter
To wed. [Aside, to Amouretta.]
Now, then, the tall one or the shorter.

Amou.
Didn't you say a third was coming, pa?

King.
Dear me! I'd quite forgot—Oh, here we are.
Expressive Music.—Prince Riquet is borne in by four Pages, in a Palanquin litter, the Curtains of which conceal him.
I wish my speech I'd kept until this minute,
Although there wasn't any great deal in it.
A royal speech is like that Palanquin,
What it conveys not easily is seen.
May I inquire, through curtains that have hid you all,
Your title, most illustrious individual?
Our royal courtesy should not be rebuffed!
Your name is—

[Riquet shows his face—Chord—General expression of horror.
Amou.
Ha!

Riquet.
[Emerging from Palanquin.]
Prince Riquet with the Tuft.

[Pantomime Music—Palanquin taken off—Riquet pays his respects to the Princess—After going round the stage, she shrinks from him.
King.
Well, I can't say, with truth to keep adherence,
A person prepossessing in appearance.

Amou.
The ugliest mortal that I ever saw.

Riquet.
I am here, King, to become your son-in-law.

King.
You may be come; but, up your merits summing,
We rather would have seen you more becoming.

Riquet.
I have brought few gifts, in wealth though not deficient.

King.
No doubt your presence will be quite sufficient.

Riquet.
[Giving a small Mirror.]
This faithful glass should win her young affection;
What thort of gift could equal her reflection?
[Presenting fancy Box.]
A box of curious perfume—

King.
[Aside.]
He presents
That, as he knows the girl has got no scents.

Riquet.
Made from the parchment of a Chancery suit;
It lasts for ever—hence its high repute.
Lastly, a flower permit me to deliver—
[Giving a Rose.
No value, saye what's set upon the giver.

Amou.
A fright, I must say, yet of manners good.

Riquet.
[In soft tone.]
Fair Princess!

Amou.
Ha! the voice heard in the wood!

[They come down.
Riquet.
The same; nor shall its accents now offend,
Breathing soft—

Amou.
Nonsense that I comprehend.
The owner of that voice I vowed to wed;
That he could make me sensible, he said.

Riquet.
He said it, and can do it! but decide,
To be—ere this can be—his be-auteous bride.

Amou.
That time will soon expire.

Riquet.
And so shall I,
If to this question, ‘Yes’ you don't reply.

King.
[Advancing.]
Your choice? this great affair at once to wind up.

Amou.
[Crossing to King.]
To-morrow, pa, I'll make my little mind up.
In the meantime, I'll go and have a skip.
[Going—returns.
Isn't it nice to have a pretty whip,
That's got a whistle at the end? You know,
When I want any of you, that I'll blow.
[Exit Amouretta.

King.
Nay, Princes, that is but her witty prattle.

Re-enter Amouretta.
Amou.
Oh! I say, didn't some one bring a rattle?
That's what I like—a swing, that's precious fun, too.

King.
Once her tongue starts, no knowing where 'twill run to.
Sweet child, good bye! leave all to your papa.
[Aside.]
Whipped, Miss, and sent to bed you shall be. Go!

Amou.
Ta! ta!
[Exit Amouretta.

King.
Her spirits carry her away—don't doubt it;
Farewell! to-morrow we'll say more about it.

[Music.—Princes take their departure—Exeunt all but King and Riquet.
King.
You seem to be in thought, Prince, that you tarry.

Riquet.
Men should be thoughtful when about to marry.
My figure may have shocked her; few can bear
The sight of this great tuft of reddish hair;
A form misshapen; back, if she's particular,
Slightly diverging from the perpendicular;
Legs parenthetical she might excuse;
But here's a lock that few would pick and choose.
Yet on her love my only chance depended,
Of this old structure being repaired and mended.

DUET, Prince Riquet and King.—Air, ‘Cheer up, Sam.’
King.
The matter with him I don't know,
He's troubled in his mind;
He has a load of care, and so,
P'raps carries it behind.
In looking at his face, so
Much ugliness I track;
But it wouldn't do to say so,
Of course, behind his back.

Riguet.
I really think that I've now
A hopeless chase begun,
For wooing here is rather queer,
For such an ugly one:
Oh! sad's my case, no grace, bad face,
In vain to break the spell;
I'm trying hard, but I'm not the card
To gallivant that gal.

[Dancing Duet, with King—Exeunt severally.