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Visions—A Phantasy


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[notes]

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17. XVII.

THE next morning I had a headache so severe that I could hardly stir, yet my bodily pain was the lightest; regret and vexation gnawed at me.

I was extremely annoyed at myself. "Fainthearted!" I ceaselessly repeated. "Yes, Ellis was right. Why did I fear? How could I let the chance slip by un-used? I might have seen Cæsar himself—and was half dead with fright—must need screech and hide my face like a child afraid of a whipping. Stenka Rasin—that was a different matter. As a nobleman and a landholder—but even here was it worth while to be so panicstricken? O fainthearted! fainthearted!

"Is it possible that I have only dreamed all this?" I queried at last. I called my housekeeper.

"Marfa, when did I go to bed last night, do you remember?"

"But who can tell that, gracious master? It must have been late enough. At twilight you left the house and after midnight you were running round your chamber. Decidedly it must have been near morning; yes, decidedly. And so the night before last. Ah! some care must lie heavy on you?"

"Lo!" I thought. "No doubt about the expedition then. Well, how do I look to-day?" I added aloud.

"How do you look? Na, let us see. But weak. And you are pale, gracious little master, not the smallest trace of color in your cheeks."

I shrank a little and sent Marfa away.

"This will certainly bring a man to suicide or to madness," I said to myself, sitting at my window. "I must drive it all out of my head. The experiment is too dangerous. And now I can feel that my heart is beating in a very unusual way. And I remember that while I am flying it seems as if some one were sucking the blood out of it, something trickling out of it, as in spring the sap runs out of a fir tree that is cut. It is a pity. And then Ellis—she plays with me as a cat does with a mouse—it is beyond a question that she is evilly inclined. I will trust myself to her for the last time, will see my fill and then—. But suppose that she really sucks my blood? That is a horrible idea! Besides it is impossible that motion so rapid should not be hurtful. I have heard that in England it is forbidden by statute to travel more than one hundred and twenty versts an hour on the railways."

And so forth. I reasoned with myself all day, and at nine o'clock I stood waiting at the oak.

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