 | III The Tale of a Tightwad |  |
3. III
"Wiggins was standin' right here by the counter, talkin' to me, when he first laid eyes on Lily Martin. As he watched her walk across the lobby to the elevator his eyes bulged out till they looked like a couple of blue glass marbles that was just about to fall an' break.
"`What a lovely girl!' he says. `I wish I could meet her.'
"I laugh.
"`Lay off!' I says to him. `Lily Martin an' her mother haven't got any too much money of their own,' I says; `but there's a whole flock of money goats blatting with sorrow because Lily won't take all they've got — an' them, too! Men,' I says to him, `fight for the chance to spend regular money on her, an' only the lucky ones get it. You,' I says, `don't spend enough on clothes in a year to buy her flowers for a week. She ain't accustomed to tightwads,' I says to him.
"`But I want to meet her,' he says. `I want to!'
"I seen he meant it, an' it struck me funny. I could see him spendin' the evenin' with Lily Martin, an' askin' her to take a walk around the block or have a stick of gum; so I told him I'd fix it for him, an' then I got in touch with Bert Edgeley.
"Bert was a fine scout. Money was the only desirable thing he didn't have. He was a young mining-engineer, an' he was doin' fine, both with his profession and with Lily Martin. He was all there with her that spring. Her mother was a little sour on him because he didn't have a check-book like some, but what he lacked with the mother he made up with Lily, buh-lieve me! So I got hold of Bert an' gave him the straight dope about Wiggins.
"`He's got a crush on Miss Martin,' I tell him. `If he gets a chance to meet her, he'll probably buy a new fifty-cent tie to make an impression. After he's kicked in with the price of an ice-cream soda, he'll think he's got some kind of a claim on her, an' say things fit to laugh at,' I says. `Put Miss Martin wise first,' I says, `an' then make this human astringent known to her. There's some comedy in it,' I says to Bert.
"An' he fell for it. I introduce him to Wiggins, an' Bert promises to take him to call on Miss Martin that night. It was a laugh from the start. Wiggins was as excited as if somebody was goin' to pay him a dollar he hadn't expected to get. While he was still talkin' to me about how glad he was to get the chance to meet her, she come out of the elevator an' crossed the lobby to the desk. Wiggins squared off an' took a good, keen, Yankee squint. When she'd gone out, he turned to me, an' he says:
"`That's the prettiest girl I ever saw in my life,' he says. `I want her!' he says. `I want her more than I ever yet wanted anything, and I know,' he says, I that once I get acquainted with her, I'll want her a darn sight more than I do now. You think I'm a tightwad,' he says. `Now I'll show you that I'm not. I've seen what I want,' he says, `and I've got the money to help me get it. You'll see!'
"I'll say one thing for the simp — he didn't waste no time. I'd never seen
"An' you know what? He wasn't bad-lookin' when he was dressed decent. No, he wasn't. I'd come to think of him as a kind of a slob, seein' him togged out cheap, as I always had; but with regular clothes on he was kind of handsome in a lean, hungry, serious sort of way. He looked real striking.
"Well, he met Lily Martin according, to schedule, but what come after the meeting come different than anything I'd planned. Say, man! The dead one come to life — honest he did. An' such a life! Dinners an' dances an' parties an' theaters an' flowers! All for Miss Martin, all paid for by Tightwad Wiggins that had never so much as paid for havin' his shoes shined up to then.
"An' he made people think he liked to part with his dough. That was the weird part of it. He ponied up with a smile; an' if the smile was forced, it didn't show to the naked eye. He put up a campaign of entertainment that made Lily Martin an' her mother dizzy with the speed of it. He paid for it, an' made 'em think it come natural to him. Oh, he was an actor! I got to give him credit.
"Bert Edgeley had gone an' primed Miss Martin for a funny hick that would give them all a good laugh if she would agree to take a few minutes off an' meet him; an' instead o' that, Wiggins give her the time of her young life. How was she to know that Henry had switched the cut on Bert? It seemed to her that Edgeley had gone an' slandered a lovely gentleman. He only made it all the worse by tryin' to explain to her that Wiggins was really funny; that the money he was spendin' on her was the biggest joke of all, an' all that. No chance! She was off Bert, who was no gentleman to speak ill of such a splendid fellow as Henry Wiggins, an' Henry had the inside track.
"`You're a fine tipster!' Bert says to me. `I thought you told me this Wiggins was a kind of something that ought to be in vaudeville! Didn't you say he spent his time alone because he was too stingy to share with a friend? What? He's in and I'm out. I've tried to laugh, but there's nothing funny about it. It's getting serious!'
"`It won't last,' I tell him.
"`No,' he says. `Life won't last — not forever. That's no helpful hint. You touted me into this; can't you tout me out?'
"`Don't worry,' I says. `The man's a habitual tightwad. He's playin' a part, an' playin' it fine,' I says, `but he'll make a mistake. He smiles while he's spendin' all this dough,' I says; `but the smile hurts, buh-lieve me! He'll forget an' groan some o' these days, an' she'll get a chance to see him as be is. Don't worry!'
| III The Tale of a Tightwad | |