 | Every Man in his Humour |  |
Act IV, Scene i
[Enter] DOWNRIGHT [and] DAME KITELYDOWNRIGHT
Well, sister, I tell you true; and you'll find it so, in the end.
DAME KITELY
Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot help it: you see, my brother brings 'em in here, they are his friends.
DOWNRIGHT
His friends? His fiends. 'Slud, they do nothing but haunt him, up and down, like a sort of unlucky sprites, and tempt him to all manner of villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a little thing would make me play the devil with some of 'em; an't were not more for your husband's sake than anything else, I'd make the house too hot for the best on 'em: they should say, and swear, hell were broken loose ere they went hence. But, by God's will, 'tis nobody's fault but yours: for, an' you had done as you might have done, they should have been parboiled, and baked too, every mother's son, ere they should ha' come in, e'er a one of 'em.
DAME KITELY
God's my life! Did you ever hear the like? What a strange man is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should put myself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd mad the patient'st body in the world, to hear you talk so, without any sense or reason!
[Enter] MISTRESS BRIDGET, MASTER MATTHEW, [and] BOBADILL, [followed by] WELLBRED, STEPHEN, EDWARD [and] BRAINWORM
BRIDGET
Of your wit's treasure, thus to pour it forth
Upon so mean a subject as my worth.
MATTHEW
You say well, mistress; and I mean as well.
Hoy-day, here is stuff!
WELLBRED
Oh, now stand close; pray heaven she can get him to read; he should do it of his own natural impudency.
BRIDGET
Servant, what is this same, I pray you?
MATTHEW
Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy--
DOWNRIGHT
To mock an ape withal. Oh, I could sew up his mouth now.
DAME KITELY
Sister, I pray you let's hear it.
DOWNRIGHT
Are you rhyme-given, too?
MATTHEW
Mistress, I'll read it, if you please.
BRIDGET
Pray you do, servant.
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, here's no foppery! Death, I can endure the stocks better.
[Exit]
EDWARD
What ails thy brother? Can he not hold his water at reading of a ballad?
WELLBRED
Oh, no: a rhyme to him is worse than cheese or a bagpipe. But, mark, you lose the protestation.
MATTHEW
Faith, I did it in an humour: I know not how it is; but, please you come near, sir. This gentleman has judgement, he knows how to censure of a--pray you sir, you can judge.
STEPHEN
Not I, sir: upon my reputation, and by the foot of Pharaoh.
WELLBRED
Oh, chide your cousin for swearing.
EDWARD
Not I, so long as he does not forswear himself.
BOBADILL
Master Matthew, you abuse the expectation of your dear mistress, and her fair sister: fie, while you live, avoid this prolixity.
MATTHEW
I shall, sir: well, Incipere dulce.
EDWARD
How! Insipere dulce? A sweet thing to be a fool, indeed.
WELLBRED
What, do you take Incipere in that sense?
EDWARD
You do not? You? This was your villainy, to gull him with a mot.
WELLBRED
Oh, the benchers' phrase: pauca verba, pauca verba.
MATTHEW
Would God my rude words had the influence,
To rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine,
Then should'st thou be his prisoner, who is thine.
EDWARD
This is in Hero and Leander?
WELLBRED
Oh, ay! Peace, we shall have more of this.
MATTHEW
Is of behaviour boisterous, and rough.
WELLBRED
How like you that, sir?
MASTER STEPHEN answers with shaking his head
EDWARD
'Slight, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel and there be any brain in it!
MATTHEW
And I in duty will exceed all other,
As you in beauty do excel love's mother.
EDWARD
Well, I'll have him free of the wit-brokers, for he utters nothing but stol'n remnants.
Oh, forgive it him.
EDWARD
A filching rogue? Hang him. And from the dead? It's worse than sacrilege.
WELLBRED
Sister, what ha' you here? Verses? Pray you, let's see. Who made these verses? They are excellent good!
MATTHEW
Oh, Master Wellbred, 'tis your disposition to say so sir. They were good i' the morning, I made 'em, extempore, this morning.
WELLBRED
How? Extempore?
MATTHEW
I would I might be hanged else; ask Captain Bobadill. He saw me write them, at the--(pox on it) the Star, yonder.
BRAINWORM
Can he find, in his heart, to curse the stars so?
EDWARD
Faith, his are even with him: they ha' cursed him enough already.
STEPHEN
Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses?
EDWARD
Oh, admirable! The best that ever I heard, coz!
STEPHEN
Body o' Caesar! They are admirable! The best that ever I heard, as I am a soldier.
[Enter DOWNRIGHT]
DOWNRIGHT
I am vexed, I can hold ne'er a bone of me still! Heart! I think they mean to build and breed here!
WELLBRED
Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns your beauty with such encomions, and devices; you may see what it is to be the mistress of a wit that can make your perfections so transparent that every blear eye may look through them, and see him drowned over head and ears, in the deep well of desire. Sister Kitely, I marvel you get you not a servant that can rhyme and do tricks, too.
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, monster! Impudence itself! Tricks?
DAME KITELY
Tricks, brother? What tricks?
BRIDGET
Nay, speak, I pray you, what tricks?
DAME KITELY
Aye, never spare anybody here; but say, what tricks?
BRIDGET
Passion of my heart! Do tricks?
WELLBRED
'Slight, here's a trick vied, and revied! Why, you monkeys, you! What a caterwauling do you keep? Has he not given you rhymes, and verses, and tricks?
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, the fiend!
WELLBRED
Nay, you, lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff so! Come and cherish this tame 'poetical fury' in your servant, you'll be begged else, shortly, for a concealment: go to, reward his muse. You cannot give him less than a shilling, in conscience, for the book he had it out of cost him a teston, at least. How now, gallants? Master Matthew? Captain? What? All sons of silence? No spirit?
DOWNRIGHT
Come, you might practice your ruffian-tricks somewhere else, and not here, I wuss: this is no tavern, nor drinking-school, to vent your exploits in.
WELLBRED
How now! Whose cow has calved?
Marry, that has mine, sir. Nay, boy, never look askance at me for the matter; I'll tell you of it, aye, sir, you, and your companions, mend yourselves, when I ha' done.
WELLBRED
My companions?
DOWNRIGHT
Yes sir, your companions, so I say, I am not afraid of you, nor them neither: your hang-bys here. You must have your poets, and your potlings, your soldados, and foolados, to follow you up and down the city, and here they must come to domineer, and swagger. [To MATTHEW and BOBADILL] Sirrah, you, ballad-singer, and slops, your fellow there, get you out: get you home; or, by this steel, I'll cut off your ears, and that presently.
WELLBRED
'Slight, stay, let's see what he dare do: cut off his ears? Cut a whetstone. You are an ass, do you see? Touch any man here, and by this hand, I'll run my rapier to the hilts in you.
DOWNRIGHT
Yea, that would I fain see, boy. They all draw, and they of the house make out to part them
DAME KITELY
Oh Jesu! Murder! Thomas, Gaspar!
[Enter CASH]
BRIDGET
Help, help, Thomas.
EDWARD
Gentlemen, forebear, I pray you.
BOBADILL
Well, sirrah, you, Holofernes: by my hand, I will pink your flesh full of holes with my rapier for this; I will, by this good heaven. They offer to fight again, and are parted Nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen, by the body of St. George, I'll not kill him.
CASH
Hold, hold, good gentlemen.
DOWNRIGHT
You whoreson, bragging coistril.
[Enter] KITELY
KITELY
Whence springs this quarrel? Thomas! Where is he?
Put up your weapons, and put off this rage.
My wife and sister, they are the cause of this--
What, Thomas? Where is this knave?
CASH
Here, sir.
WELLBRED
Come, let's go: this is one of my brother's ancient humours, this.
STEPHEN
I am glad nobody was hurt by his ancient humour.
[Exeunt WELLBRED, STEPHEN, EDWARD, MATTHEW, BOBADILL and BRAINWORM]
KITELY
Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl?
DOWNRIGHT
A sort of lewd rakehells, that care neither for God, nor the devil! And they must come here to read ballads, and roguery, and trash! I'll mar the knot of 'em ere I sleep, perhaps; especially Bob, there: he that's all manner of shapes! And 'Songs and Sonnets', his fellow.
BRIDGET
Too sudden, in your humour; and you know
Any reproof, chiefly in such a presence,
Where every slight disgrace he should receive
Might wound him in opinion and respect.
DOWNRIGHT
As ha' nor spark of manhood, nor good manners?
'Sdeynes, I am ashamed to hear you! Respect?
[Exit]
BRIDGET
And very worthily demeaned himself!
KITELY
BRIDGET
You'd pay my portion sooner than you think for.
DAME KITELY
Indeed, he seemed to be a gentleman of an exceeding fair disposition, and of very excellent good parts!
[Exeunt DAME KITELY and BRIDGET]
KITELY
Fair disposition? Excellent good parts?
Death, these phrases are intolerable!
Good parts? How should she know his parts?
His parts? Well, well, well, well, well, well!
It is too plain, too clear. Thomas, come hither.
What, are they gone?
CASH
My mistress, and your sister--
KITELY
CASH
KITELY
CASH
KITELY
What gentleman was that they praised so, Thomas?
CASH
One, they call him Master Knowell, a handsome young gentleman, sir.
KITELY
I'll die but they have hid him i' the house,
Somewhere; I'll go and search. Go with me, Thomas.
Be true to me, and thou shalt find me a master.
[Exeunt]
| Every Man in his Humour | |