University of Virginia Library

Scene i

[Enter] MATTHEW, WELLBRED [and] BOBADILL
MATTHEW

Yes, faith, sir, we were at your lodging to seek you, too.

WELLBRED

Oh, I came not there tonight.

BOBADILL

Your brother delivered us as much.

WELLBRED

Who? My brother Downright?

BOBADILL

He. Master Wellbred, I know not in what kind you hold me, but let me say to you this: as sure as honour, I esteem it so much out of the sunshine of reputation to throw the least beam of regard upon such a-

WELLBRED

Sir, I must hear no ill words of my brother.

BOBADILL

I protest to you, as I have a thing to be saved about me, I never saw any gentleman-like part-

WELLBRED

Good Captain, faces about, to some other discourse.

BOBADILL

With your leave, sir, an' there were no more men living upon the face of the earth, I should not fancy him, by St. George.

MATTHEW

Troth, nor I, he is of a rustical cut, I know not how: he doth not carry himself like a gentleman of fashion

WELLBRED

Oh, Master Matthew, that's a grace peculiar but to a few; quos aequus amavit Jupiter.

MATTHEW

I understand you sir.

WELLBRED

No question, you do, or you do not, sir.

[EDWARD] enters [followed by STEPHEN]

Ned Knowell! By my soul welcome; how dost thou, sweet spirit, my genius. 'Slid I shall love Apollo and the mad Thespian girls the better, while I live, for this; my dear Fury: now I see there's some love in thee! Sirrah, these be the two I writ to thee of. Nay, what a drowsy humour is this now? Why dost thou not speak?

EDWARD

Oh, you are a fine gallant, you sent me a rare letter!

WELLBRED

Why, was't not rare?

EDWARD

Yes, I'll be sworn, I was ne'er guilty of reading the like: match it in all Pliny, or Symmachus' epistles, and I'll have my judgement burned in the ear for a rogue; make much of thy vein, for it is inimitable. But I mar'l what camel it was, that had the carriage of it? For doubtless, he was no ordinary beast that brought it!

WELLBRED

Why?

EDWARD

Why, sayst thou? Why dost thou think that any reasonable creature, especially in the morning (the sober time of the day too), could have mista'en my father for me?

WELLBRED

'Slid, you jest, I hope?

EDWARD

Indeed, the best use we can turn it to, is to make a jest on't, now; but I'll assure you, my father had the full view o' your flourishing style, some hour before I saw it.

WELLBRED

What a dull slave was this! But, sirrah, what said he to it, i' faith?

EDWARD

Nay, I know not what he said; but I have a shrewd guess what he thought.

WELLBRED

What? What?

EDWARD

Marry, that thou art some strange dissolute young fellow, and I a grain or two better, for keeping thee company.

WELLBRED

Tut, that thought is like the moon in her last quarter, 'twill change shortly; but, sirrah, I pray thee be acquainted with my two hang-bys here. Thou wilt take exceeding pleasure in 'em if thou hear'st 'em once go: my wind instruments. I'll wind 'em up but what strange piece of silence is this? The sign of the Dumb Man?

EDWARD

Oh, sir, a kinsman of mine, one that may make your music the fuller, an' he please: he has his humour, sir.

WELLBRED

Oh, what is't? What is't?

EDWARD

Nay, I'll neither do your judgement nor his folly that wrong, as to prepare your apprehension: I'll leave him to the mercy o' your search; if you can take him, so.

WELLBRED

Well, Captain Bobadill, Master Matthew, pray you know this gentleman here, he is a friend of mine, and one that will deserve your affection. [To STEPHEN]
I know not your name sir, but I shall be glad of any occasion to render me more familiar to you.

STEPHEN

My name is Master Stephen, sir, I am this gentleman's own cousin, sir, his father is mine uncle, sir, I am somewhat melancholy, but you shall command me, sir, in whatsoever is incident to a gentleman.

BOBADILL

[To EDWARD]
Sir, I must tell you this, I am no general man, but for Master Wellbred's sake (you may embrace it at what height of favour you please) I do communicate with you; and conceive you to be a gentleman of some parts; I love few words.

EDWARD

And I fewer, sir. I have scarce enow to thank you.

MATTHEW

[To STEPHEN]
But are you indeed, sir? So given to it?

STEPHEN

Aye, truly, sir, I am mightily given to melancholy.

MATTHEW

Oh, it's your only fine humour, sir, your true melancholy breeds your perfect fine wit, sir: I am melancholy myself divers times, sir, and then do I no more but take pen and paper presently, and overflow you half a score, or a dozen of sonnets, at a sitting.

EDWARD

[Aside]
Sure, he utters them then, by the gross.

STEPHEN

Truly, sir, and I love such things, out of measure.

EDWARD

[Aside]
I' faith, better than in measure, I'll undertake.

MATTHEW

Why, I pray you, sir, make use of my study, it's at your service.

STEPHEN

I thank you sir, I shall be bold, I warrant you; have you a stool there, to be melancholy upon?

MATTHEW

That I have, sir, and some papers there of mine own doing, at idle hours, that you'll say there's some sparks of wit in 'em, when you see them.

WELLBRED

[Aside]
Would the sparks would kindle once, and become a fire amongst 'em, I might see self-love burnt for her heresy.

STEPHEN

Cousin, is it well? Am I melancholy enough?

EDWARD

Oh, aye, excellent!

WELLBRED

Captain Bobadill: why muse you so?

EDWARD

He is melancholy, too.

BOBADILL

Faith, sir, I was thinking of a most honourable piece of service, was performed tomorrow, being St. Mark's day: shall be some ten years, now.

EDWARD

In what place, Captain?

BOBADILL

Why, at the beleag'ring of Strigonium, where, in less than two hours, seven hundred resolute gentlemen as any were in Europe lost their lives upon the breach. I'll tell you, gentlemen, it was the first, but the best leaguer, that ever I beheld, with these eyes, except the taking in of-what do you call it, last year, by the Genowayes?-but that (of all other) was the most fatal and dangerous exploit that ever I was ranged in, since I first bore arms before the face of the enemy, as I am a gentleman, and soldier.

STEPHEN

'So, I had as lief as an angel, I could swear as well as that gentleman!

EDWARD

Then, you were a servitor, at both it seems! At Strigonium? And what-do-you-call't?

BOBADILL

Oh Lord, sir! By St. George, I was the first man that entered the breach; and, had I not effected it with resolution, I had been slain, if I had had a million of lives.

EDWARD

'Twas pity you had not ten: a cat's, and your own, i' faith. But, was it possible?

MATTHEW

[Aside To STEPHEN]
'Pray you, mark this discourse, sir.

STEPHEN

[Aside ToMATTHEW]
So I do.

BOBADILL

I assure you (upon my reputation) 'tis true, and yourself shall confess.

EDWARD

You must bring me to the rack first.

BOBADILL

Observe me judicially, sweet sir: they had planted me three demi-culverins, just in the mouth of the breach; now, sir (as we were to give on), their master-gunner (a man of no mean skill and mark, you must think) confronts me with his linstock, ready to give fire; I, spying his intendment, discharged my petrionel in his bosom, and with these single arms, my poor rapier, ran violently upon the Moors that guarded the ordnance, and put 'em pell-mell to the sword.

WELLBRED

To the sword? To the rapier, Captain.

EDWARD

Oh, it was a good figure observed, sir! But did you all this, Captain, without hurting your blade?

BOBADILL

Without any impeach, o' the earth: you shall perceive sir. It is the most fortunate weapon that ever rid on poor gentleman's thigh: shall I tell you, sir? You talk of Morglay, Excalibur, Durindana, or so? Tut, I lend no credit to that is fabled of 'em, I know the virtue of mine own, and therefore I dare the boldlier maintain it.

STEPHEN

I mar'l whether it be a Toledo, or no?

BOBADILL

A most perfect Toledo, I assure you, sir.

STEPHEN

I have a countryman of his, here.

MATTHEW

Pray you, let's see, sir: yes, faith, it is!

BOBADILL

This a Toledo? Pish.

STEPHEN

Why do you pish, Captain?

BOBADILL

A Fleming, by heaven, I'll buy them for a guilder apiece, an' I would have a thousand of them.

EDWARD

How say you, cousin? I told you thus much?

WELLBRED

Where bought you it, Master Stephen?

STEPHEN

Of a scurvy rogue soldier (a hundred of lice go with him), he swore it was a Toledo.

BOBADILL

A poor provant rapier, no better.

MATTHEW

Mass, I think it be, indeed, now I look on't better.

EDWARD

Nay, the longer you look on't, the worse. Put it up, put it up.

STEPHEN

Well, I will put it up, but by (I ha' forgot the Captain's oath, I thought to ha' sworn by it)-an' e'er I meet him

WELLBRED

Oh, it is past help now, sir, you must have patience.

STEPHEN

Whoreson coney-catching rascal! I could eat the very hilts for anger!

EDWARD

A sign of good digestion! You have an ostrich stomach, cousin.

STEPHEN

A stomach? Would I had him here, you should see an' I had a stomach.

WELLBRED

It's better as 'tis; come, gentlemen, shall we go?

[Enter] BRAINWORM [still disguised]

EDWARD

A miracle, cousin, look here! Look here!

STEPHEN

Oh, God's lid, by your leave, do you know me, sir?

BRAINWORM

Aye sir, I know you, by sight.

STEPHEN

You sold me a rapier, did you not?

BRAINWORM

Yes, marry, did I, sir.

STEPHEN

You said it was a Toledo, ha?

BRAINWORM

True, I did so.

STEPHEN

But it is none?

BRAINWORM

No, sir, I confess it, it is none.

STEPHEN

Do you confess it? Gentlemen, bear witness, he has confessed it. By God's will, an' you had not confessed it-

EDWARD

Oh cousin, forbear, forbear.

STEPHEN

Nay, I have done, cousin.

WELLBRED

Why, you have done like a gentleman, he has confessed it, what would you more?

STEPHEN

Yet, by his leave, he is a rascal, under his favour, do you see?

EDWARD

Aye, by his leave, he is, and under favour: a pretty piece of civility! [To WELLBRED]
Sirrah, how dost thou like him?

WELLBRED

Oh, it's a most precious fool, make much on him; I can compare him to nothing more happily than a drum: for everyone may play upon him.

EDWARD

No, no, a child's whistle were far the fitter.

BRAINWORM

Sir, shall I entreat a word with you.

EDWARD

With me, sir? You have not another Toledo to sell, ha' you?

BRAINWORM

You are conceited, sir, [TakesEDWARD aside]
your name is Master Knowell, as I take it?

EDWARD

You are i' the right; you mean not to proceed in the catechism, do you?

BRAINWORM

No, sir, I am none of that coat.

EDWARD

Of as bare a coat, though; well, say sir.

BRAINWORM

Faith, sir, I am but servant to the drum extraordinary, and indeed (this smoky varnish being washed off, and three or four patches removed) I appear your worship's in reversion, after the decease of your good father: Brainworm.

EDWARD

Brainworm! 'Slight, what breath of a conjurer hath blown thee hither in this shape?

BRAINWORM

The breath o' your letter, sir, this morning: the same that blew you to the Windmill, and your father after you.

EDWARD

My father?

BRAINWORM

Nay, never start, 'tis true, he has followed you over the fields, by the foot, as you would do a hare i' the snow.

EDWARD

Sirrah, Wellbred, what shall we do, sirrah? My father is come over, after me.

WELLBRED

Thy father? Where is he?

BRAINWORM

At Justice Clement's house here in Coleman Street, where he but stays my return; and then

WELLBRED

Who's this? Brainworm?

BRAINWORM

The same, sir.

WELLBRED

Why how, i' the name of wit, com'st thou transmuted thus?

BRAINWORM

Faith, a device, a device; nay, for the love of reason, gentlemen, and avoiding the danger, stand not here, withdraw, and I'll tell you all.

WELLBRED

But, art thou sure he will stay thy return?

BRAINWORM

Do I live, sir? What a question is that?

WELLBRED

We'll prorogue his expectation, then, a little: Brainworm, thou shalt go with us. Come on, gentlemen, nay, I pray thee, sweet Ned, droop not: 'heart, an' our wits be so wretchedly dull that one old plodding brain can outstrip us all, would we were e'en pressed to make porters of; and serve out the remnant of our days in Thames Street, or at Custom House quay, in a civil war against the carmen.

BRAINWORM

Amen, amen, amen, say I.

[Exeunt]