16. The Family Use Art; Which is Opposed with Still Greater.
WHATEVER might have been Sophia's sensations, the rest of the
family was easily consoled for Mr. Burchell's absence by the company
of our landlord, whose visits now became more frequent and longer.
Though he had been disappointed in procuring my daughters the
amusements of the town as he designed, he took every opportunity of
supplying them with those little recreations which our retirement would
admit of. He usually came in the morning, and while my son and I
followed our occupations abroad, he sat with the family at home, and
amused them by describing the town, with every part of which he was
particularly acquainted. He could repeat all the observations that were
retailed in the atmosphere of the play-houses, and had all the good things
of the high wits by rote long before they made their way into the
jest-books. The intervals between conversation were employed in teach
ing my daughters piquet, or sometimes in setting my two little ones to
box, to make them sharp, as he called
it: but the hopes of having him for a son-in-law in some
measure blinded us to all his imperfections. It must be owned that my
wife laid a thousand schemes to entrap him; or, to speak it more
tenderly, used every art to magnify the merit of her daughter. If the
cakes at tea ate short and crisp, they were made by Olivia; if the
gooseberry wine was well knit, the gooseberries were of her gathering; it
was her fingers which gave the pickles their peculiar green; and in the
composition of a pudding, it was her judgment that mixed the in
gredients. Then the poor woman would sometimes tell the 'Squire that
she thought him and Olivia extremely of a size, and would bid both stand
up to see which was the tallest. These instances of cunning, which she
thought impenetrable, yet which everybody saw through, were very
pleasing to our benefactor, who gave every day some new proofs of his
passion, which, though they had not arisen to proposals of marriage, yet
we thought fell but little short of it, and his slowness we attributed
sometimes to native bashfulness, and sometimes to his fear of offending
his uncle. An occurrence, however, which happened soon after, put it
beyond a doubt that he designed to become one of our family; my wife
even regarded it as an absolute promise.
My wife and daughters happening to return a visit to neighbor
Flamborough's, found that family had lately got their pictures drawn by
a limner, who travelled
the country and took likenesses for fifteen shillings a
head. As this family and ours had long a sort of
rivalry in point of taste, our spirit took the alarm at this stolen march
upon us, and notwithstanding all
I could say, and I said much, it was resolved that we
should have our pictures done too. Having, therefore, engaged the
limner-for what could I do?-our next deliberation was to show the
superiority of our taste in the attitudes. As for our neighbor's family,
there were seven of them, and they were drawn with seven oranges-a
thing quite out of taste, no variety in life, no composition in the world.
We desired to have something in a brighter style, and, after many
debates, at length came to a unanimous resolution of being drawn
together in one large historical family piece. This would be cheaper,
since one frame would serve for all, and it would be infinitely more
genteel; for all families of any taste were now drawn in the same
manner. As we did not immediately recollect a historical subject to hit
us, we were contented each with being drawn as independent historical
figures. My wife desired to be represented as Venus, and the painter
was desired not to be too frugal of his diamonds in her stomacher and
hair. Her two little ones were to be as Cupids by her side, while I, in
my gown and band, was to present her with my books on the Whistonian
controversy. Olivia would be drawn as an Amazon, sitting upon a
bank of flowers, dressed in a green Joseph, richly laced with gold, and a
whip in her hand. Sophia was to be a shepherdess, with as many sheep
as the painter could put in for nothing; and Moses was to be dressed out
with a hat and white feather, Our taste
so much pleased the 'Squire that he insisted on being
put in as one of the family in the character of Alexander the Great at
Olivia's feet. This was considered by us all as an indication of his
desire to be introduced into the family, nor could we refuse his request.
The painter was therefore set to work, and, as he wrought with assiduity
and expedition, in less than four days the whole was completed. The
piece was large, and it must be owned he did not spare his colors; for
which my wife gave him great encomiums. We were all perfectly
satisfied with his performance; but an unfortunate circumstance had not
occurred till the picture was finished, which now struck us with dismay.
It was so very large that we had no place in the house to fix it! How we
all came to disregard so material a point is inconceivable; but certain it
is, we had been all greatly remiss. The picture, therefore, instead of
gratifying our vanity, as we hoped, leaned in a most mortifying manner
against the kitchen wall, where the canvas was stretched and painted,
much too large to be got through any of the doors, and the jest of all our
neighbors. One compared it to Robinson Crusoe's long-boat, too large
to be removed; another thought it more resembled a reel in a bottle;
some wondered how it could be got out, but still more were amazed how
it ever got in.
But though it excited the ridicule of some, it effectually raised
more malicious suggestions in many, The 'Squire's portrait being found
united with ours, was an
honor too great to escape envy. Scandalous whispers
began to circulate at our expense, and our tranquillity was continually
disturbed by persons who came as friends to tell us what was said of us
by enemies. These reports we always resented with becoming spirit; but
scandal ever improves by opposition.
We once again, therefore, entered into a consultation upon
obviating the malice of our enemies, and at last came to a resolution
which had too much cunning to give me entire satisfaction.It was this: as
our principal object was to discover the honor of Mr. Thornhill's
addresses, my wife undertook to sound him, by pretending to ask his
advice in the choice of a husband for her eldest daughter. If this was not
found sufficient to induce him to a declaration, it was then resolved to
terrify him with a rival. To this last step, however, I would by no
means give my consent, till Olivia gave me the most solemn assurances
that she would marry the person provided to rival him upon this
occasion, if he did not prevent it by taking her himself. Such was the
scheme laid, which, though I did not strenuously oppose, I did not
entirely approve.
The next time, therefore that Mr. Thornhill came to see us, my
girls took care to be out of the way, in order to give their mamma an
opportunity of putting her scheme in execution; but they only retired to
the next room, whence they could overhear the whole conversation.
My wife artfully introduced it, by observing
that one of the Miss Flamboroughs was like to have a
good match of it in Mr. Spanker. To this the 'Squire assenting, she
proceeded to remark that they who had warm fortunes were always sure
of getting good husbands. "But Heaven help," continued she, "the
girls that have none! What signifies beauty, Mr. Thornhill? or what
signifies all the virtue, and all the qualifications in the world, in this
age of self-interest? It is not, what is she? but what has she? is all the
cry."
"Madam," returned he, "I highly approve the justice, as well as
the novelty of your remarks, and if I were a king it should be otherwise.
It should then indeed, be fine times with the girls without fortunes: our
two young ladies should be the first for whom I would provide."
"Ah, sir," returned my wife, "you are pleased to be facetious; but
I wish I were a queen, and then I know where my eldest daughter should
look for a husband. But now, that you have put it into my head,
seriously, Mr. Thornhill, can't you recommend me a proper husband
for her? She is now nineteen years old, well grown and well educated,
and, in my humble opinion, does not want for parts."
"Madam," replied he, "if I were to choose, I would find out a
person possessed of every accomplishment that can make an angel
happy. One with prudence, fortune, taste, and sincerity; such, madam,
would be, in my opinion, the proper husband."-"Ay, sir," said she,
"but do you know of any such person?"-"No, madam,"
returned he, "it is impossible to know any person that deserves to be her
husband: she's too great a treasure for one man's possession: she's a
goddess. Upon my soul, I speak what I think, she's an angel!""Ah,
Mr. Thornhill, you only flatter my poor girl; but we have been thinking
of marrying her to one of your tenants, whose mother is lately dead, and
who wants a manager; you know whom I mean, farmer Williams; a
warm man, Mr. Thornhill, able to give her good bread; and who has
several times made her proposals (which was actually the case) : but
sir," concluded she, "I should be glad to have your approbation of our
choice."-"How! madam," replied he, "my approbation! My approbation
of such a choice! Never! What! sacrifice so much beauty, and sense, and
goodness to a creature insensible of the blessing! Excuse me, I can never
approve of such a piece of injustice! And I have my reasons!"-"Indeed,
sir," cried Deborah, "if you have your reasons, that's another affair; but
I should be glad to know those reasons!"-"Excuse me, madam," returned
he, "they lie too deep for discovery" (laying his hand upon his bosom);
"they remain buried, riveted here."
After he was gone, upon general consultation, we could not tell
what to make of these fine sentiments. Olivia considered them as
instances of the most exalted passion; but I was not quite so sanguine. It
seemed to
me pretty plain, that they had more of love than matri
mony in them; yet, whatever they might portend, it was resolved to
prosecute the scheme of Farmer Williams, who, from my daughter's
first appearance in the country, had paid her his addresses.
