The Comedy of Those Extraordinary Twins | ||
THE SUPPRESSED FARCE.
1. CHAPTER I.
THE conglomerate twins were brought on the stage in Chapter I. of the original extravaganza. Aunt Patsy Cooper has received their letter applying for board and lodging, and Rowena, her daughter, insane with joy, is begging for a hearing of it:
" Well, set down then, and be quiet a minute and don't fly around so; it fairly makes me tired to see you. It starts off so: 'HONORED MADAM—'"
"I like that, ma, don't you? It shows they're high-bred."
"Yes, I noticed that when I first read it. ' My brother and I have seen your advertisement,
"It 's so beautiful and smooth, ma—don't you think so?"
"Yes, seems so to me—'and beg leave to take the room you offer. We are twenty-four years of age, and twins —' "
"Twins ! How sweet ! I do hope they are handsome, and I just know they are ! Don't you hope they are, ma? "
"Land, I ain't particular. 'We are Italians by birth— "
"It's so romantic! Just think-there 's never been one in this town, and everybody will want to see them, and they 're all ours! Think of that!"
"—'but have lived long in the various countries of Europe, and several years in the United States.'"
"Oh, just think what wonders they 've seen, ma! Won't it be good to hear them talk?"
"I reckon so; yes, I reckon so. Our names are Luigi and Angelo Capello— '"
"Beautiful, perfectly beautiful ! Not like Jones and Robinson and those horrible names."
" You desire but one guest, but dear madam, if you will allow us to pay for two we will not discommode you. We will sleep together in the same bed. We have always been used to this, and prefer it.' And then he goes on to say they will be down Thursday."
"And this is Tuesday—I don't know how I 'm ever going to wait, ma! The time does drag along so, and I 'm so dying to see them ! Which of them do you reckon is the tallest, ma?"
"How do you s'pose I can tell, child? Mostly they are the same size—twins are."
"Well then, which do you reckon is the best looking? "
"Goodness knows—I don't."
"I think Angelo is; it 's the prettiest name, anyway. Don't you think it's a sweet name, ma?"
"Yes, it 's well enough. I 'd like both of them better if I knew the way to pronounce them—the Eyetalian way, I mean. The Missouri way and the Eyetalian way is different I judge."
"Maybe-yes. It's Luigi that writes the
"Why, how can I tell? What 's the difference who writes it, so long as it 's done?"
"Oh, I hope it wasn't because he is sick! You don't think he is sick, do you, ma?"
"Sick your granny; what 's to make him sick?"
"Oh, there 's never any telling. These foreigners with that kind of names are so delicate, and of course that kind of names are not suited to our climate—you wouldn't expect it."
[And so-on and so-on, no end. The time drags along; Thursday comes; the boat arrives in a pouring storm toward midnight.]
At last there was a knock at the door and the anxious family jumped to open it. Two negro men entered, each carrying a trunk, and proceeded up-stairs toward the guest-room. Then followed a stupefying apparition—a double-headed human creature with four arms, one body, and a single pair of legs!
It—or they, as you please—bowed with
"I crave the honor, madam and miss, to introduce to you my brother, Count Luigi Capello," (the other head bowed) "and my-self—Count Angelo; and at the same time offer sincere apologies for the lateness of our coming, which was unavoidable," and both heads bowed again.
The poor old lady was in a whirl of amazement and confusion, but she managed to stammer out:
"I' m sure I' m glad to make your acquaintance, sir—I mean, gentlemen. As for the delay, it is nothing, don't mention it. This
But to the old lady's relief they courteously excused themselves, saying it would be wrong to keep the family out of their beds longer; then each head bowed in turn and uttered a friendly good-night, and the singular figure moved away in the wake of Rowena's small brothers, who bore candles, and disappeared up the stairs.
The widow tottered into the parlor and sank into a chair with a gasp, and Rowena followed, tongue-tied and dazed. The two sat silent in the throbbing summer heat unconscious of the million-voiced music of the mosquitoes, unconscious of the roaring gale, the lashing and thrashing of the rain along the windows and the roof, the white glare of the lightning, the tumultuous booming and bellowing of the thunder; conscious of nothing but that prodigy, that uncanny apparition that had come and gone so suddenly—that weird strange thing
"Ugh, it was awful-just the mere look of that phillipene!"
Rowena did not answer. Her faculties were still caked, she had not yet found her voice. Presently the widow said, a little resentfully:
"Always been used to sleeping together-in fact, prefer it. And I was thinking it was to accommodate me. I thought it was very good of them, whereas a person situated as that young man is—"
"Ma, you oughtn't to begin by getting up a prejudice against him. I'm sure he is goodhearted and means well. Both of his faces show it."
"I'm not so certain about that. The one on the left—I mean the one on it's left—hasn't near as good a face, in my opinion, as its brother."
"That's Luigi."
"Yes, Luigi; anyway it's the dark-skinned one; the one that was west of his brother when they stood in the door. Up to all kinds of mischief and disobedience when he was a boy, I '11 be bound. I lay his mother had trouble to lay her hand on him when she wanted him. But the one on the right is as good as gold, I can see that."
"that 's Angelo."
"Yes, Angelo, I reckon, though I can't tell t' other from which by their names, yet awhile. But it 's the right-hand one-the blonde one. He has such kind blue eyes, and curly copper hair and fresh complexion —"
"And such a noble face ! —oh, it is a noble face, ma, just royal, you may say! And beautiful—deary me, how beautiful! But both are that; the dark one 's as beautiful as a picture. There 's no such wonderful faces and handsome heads in this town—none that even begin. And such hands—especially Angelo's—so shapely and—"
"Stuff, how could you tell which they belonged to?—they had gloves on."
Why, didn't I see them take off their hats? "
"That don't signify. They might have taken off each other's hats. Nobody could tell. There was just a wormy squirming of arms in the air—seemed to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it just made me dizzy to see them go."
"Why, ma, I hadn't any difficulty. There's two arms on each shoulder—"
"There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures, don't it? For a person to have two arms on one shoulder wouldn't do him any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder. Now then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They don't know, themselves—they just work whichever arm comes handy. Of course they do; especially if they are in a hurry and can't stop to think which belongs to which."
The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter abandoned the struggle. Presently the widow rose with a yawn and said:
"Poor thing, I hope it won't catch cold; it was powerful wet, just drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its boots outside, so they can be dried." Then she gave a little start, and looked perplexed. "Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after seven—I think it was the one on the left —no, it was the one to the east of the other one—but I did n't hear the other one say anything. I wonder if he wants to be called too. Do you reckon it 's too late to ask? "
"Why, ma, it 's not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets up, the other's got to."
"Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can get some sleep, but I don't know, I 'm so shook up with what we 've been through."
The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of talk as they were getting to bed. Henry, the gentle, the humane, said:
"I feel ever so sorry for it, don't you, Joe? "
But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a theatrical side to him:
"Sorry? Why, how you talk ! It can't stir a step without attracting attention. It 's just grand ! "
Henry said, reproachfully:
"Instead of pitying it, Joe, you talk as if—"
"Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so I can eat for two and only have to stub toes for one, I ain't going to fool away no such chance just for sentiment."
The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress without any preliminary remarks. The abundance of sleeves made the partnership—coat hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came at last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then the brothers stood up before the glass, and each took off his own cravat and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up under the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the fashion of the day. The cravats were as broad as a bank bill, with fringed ends which stood far out to right and
"I wish you would n't wear such tight boots, they hurt my feet."
Lulgi answered with indifference: '' My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel according to my own convenience, as I have remarked more than several times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you please."
Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle reproach in his voice, but not anger when he replied:
"Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When I am in com-mand I treat you as a guest; I try to make you feel at home; when you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me feel unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can see that people notice it and comment on it."
"Oh, damn the people," responded the brother languidly, and with the air of one who is tired of the subject.
A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the conversation ceased. Each buttoned his own share of the night-shirt in silence; then Luigi, with Paine's "Age of Reason" in his hand, sat down in one chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo took his " Whole Duty of Man," and both began to read. Angelo presently began to cough; his cough-ing increased and became mixed with gaspings for breath, and he was finally obliged to make an appeal to his brother's humanity:
"Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I could learn not to
"Angelo. I would n't be such a baby; I have learned to smoke in a week, and the trouble is already over with me; if you would try, you could learn too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with youreverlasting complaints."
"Ah, brother, that is a strong word—everlasting—and is n't quite fair. I only complain when I suffocate; you know I don't complain when we are in the open air."
"Well, anyway, you could learn to smoke yourself."
"But my principles, Lulgi, you forget my principles. You would not have me do a thing which I regard as a sin? "
"Oh, bosh!"
The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and strangling; but after some time he closed his book and asked Luigi to sing "From Greenland's Icy Mountains" with him, but he would not, and when he tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown his plaintive tenor with a rude and
After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy. Before blowing the light out Luigi swallowed half a tumbler of whiskey, and Angelo, whose sensitive or-ganization could not endure intoxicants of any kind, took a pill to keep it from giving him the headache.
2. CHAPTER II.
THE family sat in the breakfast-room waiting for the twins to come down. The widow was quiet, the daughter was all alive with happy excitement. She said:
"Ah, they 're a boon, ma, just a boon ! don't you think so? "
"Laws, I hope so, I don't know."
Why, ma, yes you do. They 're so fine and handsome, and high-bred and polite, so every way superior to our gawks here in this village; why, they'll make life different from what it was—so humdrum and commonplace, you know—oh, you may be sure they 're full of accomplishments, and knowledge of the world, and all that, that will be an immense advantage to society here. Don't you think so, ma?"
"Mercy on me, how shonld I know, and
"Noise? Why, ma, they were singing ! And it was beautiful, too."
"Oh, it was well enough, but too mixed-up, seemed to me."
"Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear 'Greenland's Icy Mountains ' sung sweeter—now did you?"
"If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I don't deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with 'Old Bob Ridley ' for, I can't make out. Why, they don't go together, at all. They are not of the same nature. 'Bob Ridley' is a common rackety slam-bang secular song, one of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is. I am no judge of music, and I don't claim it, but in my opinion nobody can make those two songs go together right."
"Why, ma, I thought—"
"It don't make any difference what you thought, it can't be done. They tried it, and to my mind it was a failure. I never heard
"Well, I don't think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the nature of cats that any sound that is unusual—"
"Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets every night, I do hope they will both sing the same tune at the same time, for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is a mistake; especially when the tunes ain't any kin to one another, that way."
"But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too, and the best way, because they have had every opportunity to know what is right, and it don't stand to reason that with their education they would do anything but what the highest musical authorities have sanctioned. You can't help but admit that, ma."
The argument was formidably strong;
"There—he 's coming !"
"They, ma—you ought to say they—it 's nearer right."
The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome, stepped with courtly carriage into the trim little breakfast-room and put out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocket-knives with a multi-plicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant and hearty that all embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery feeling of friendliness and comradeship took its place. He—or preferably they —were asked to occupy the seat of honor at the foot of the table. They consented with
"Will you have coffee, gentlemen, or tea? "
"Coffee for Luigi, if you please, madam, tea for me."
"Cream and sugar? "
"For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee black. Our natures differ a good deal from each other, and our tastes also."
The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two heads turned in opposite directions and both talking at once, then saw the commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the other at the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a faintness that came over her; but after that she held her grip and was able to wait on the table with fair cour-age.
Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little jerky, at first, because none of the family could get smoothly through a sentence without a wobble in it here and a break there, caused by some new
"Now that hand is going to take that coffee to—no, it's gone to the other mouth; I can't understand it; and now, here is the dark complected hand with a potato on its fork, I'll see what goes with it—there, the light complected head 's got it, as sure as I live!" Finally Rowena said:
"Ma, what is the matter with you? Are you dreaming about something? "
The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the first random thing that came into her mind: " I saw Mr. Angelo take up Mr. Luigi's coffee, and I thought maybe he—sha' n't I give you a cup, Mr. Angelo? "
"Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as I would like to. You did see me take up Luigi's cup, it is true, but if you noticed, I didn't carry it to my mouth, but to his."
"Y—es, I thought you did. Did you mean to? "
"How?"
The widow was a little embarrassed again. She said:
"I don't know but what I'm foolish, and you must n't mind; but you see, he got the coffee I was expecting to see you drink, and you got a potato that I thougllt he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake all around, and everybody getting what was n't intended for him."
Both twins laughed and Luigi said:
"Dear madam, there was n't any mistake. We are always helping each other that way. It is a great economy for us both; it saves time and labor. We have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the sign and Angelo furnishes it to me; and you saw that when he needed a potato I delivered it."
"How convenient ! "
" Yes, and often of the extremest value. Take the Mississippi boats, for instance. They are always over-crowded. There is table-room for only half of the passengers, therefore they have to set a second table for the second half. The stewards rush both parties, they give them no time to eat a satisfying meal, both divisions leave the table hungry. It is n't so with us. Angelo books himself for the one table, I book myself for the other. Neither of us eats anything at the other's table, but just simply works-works. Thus, you see there are four hands to feed Angelo, and the
The old lady was dazed with admiration, and kept saying, "It is perferfectly wonderful, perfectly wonderful ! " and the boy Joe licked his chops enviously, but said nothing—at least aloud.
"Yes," continued Luigi, "our construction may have its disadvantages—in fact, has—but it also has its compensations of one sort and another. Take travel, for instance. Travel is enormously expensive, in all countries; we have been obliged to do a vast deal of it—come, Angelo, don't put any more sugar in your tea, I 'm just over one indigestion and don't want another right away—been obliged to do a deal of it, as I was saying. Well, we always travel as one person, since we occupy but one seat; so we save half the fare."
"How romantic ! " interjected Rowena, with effusion.
"Yes, my dear young lady, and how practical too, and economical. In Europe, beds in the hotels are not charged with the board, but separately—another saving, for we stood to
"No, they didn't," said Angelo. "They did it only twice, and in both cases it was a double bed—a rare thing in Europe—and the double bed gave them some excuse. Be fair to the landlords; twice does n't constitute 'often.'"
"Well, that depends—that depends. I knew a man who fell down a well twice. He said he didn't mind the first time, but he thought the second time was once too often. Have I misused that word, Mrs. Cooper? "
"To tell the truth, I was afraid you had, but it seems to look, now, like you had n't." She stopped, and was evidently struggling with the difficult problem a moment, then she added in the tone of one who is convinced without being converted, "It seems so, but I can't somehow tell why."
Rowena thought Lulgi's retort was wonder-fullyquick and bright, and she remarked to herself with satisfaction that there was n't any young native of Dawson's Landing that could have risen to the occasion like that. Luigi
"Both of us get a bath for one ticket, theater seat for one ticket, pew-rent is on the same basis, but at peep-shows we pay double."
"We have much to be thankful for," said Angelo, impressively, with a reverent light in his eye and a reminiscent tone in his voice, "we have been greatly blessed. As a rule, what one of us has lacked, the other, by the bounty of Providence, has been able to supply. My brother is hardy, I am not; he isvery masculine, assertive, aggressive; I am much less so. I am subject to illness, he is never ill. I cannot abide medicines, and cannot take them, but he has no prejudice against them, and—"
"Why, goodness gracious," interrupted the widow, `' when you are sick, does he take the medicine for you?"
"Always, madam."
"Why, I never heard such a thing in my life! I think it 's beautiful of you."
"Oh, madam, it's nothing, don't mention it, it 's really nothing at all."
"But I say it 's beautiful, and I stick to it !" cried the widow, with a speaking moisture in her eye. "A well brother to take the medicine for his poor sick brother—I wish I had such a son," and she glanced reproachfully at her boys." I declare I '11 never rest till I've shook you by the hand," and she scrambled out of her chair in a fever of generous enthuiasm, and made for the twins, blind with her ears, and began to shake. The boy Joe corrected her:
"You 're shaking the wrong one, ma."
This flurried her, but she made a swift hange and went on shaking.
''Got the wrong one again ma," said the boy.
"Oh, shut up, can't you ! " said the widow, embarrassed and irritated. "Give me all our hands, I want to shake them all; for I now you are both just as good as you can be."
It was a victorious thought, a master-stroke of diplomacy, though, that never occurred to her and she cared nothing for diplomacy. She shook the four hands in turn cordially, and went back to her place in a state of high and fine exaltation that made her look young and handsome.
"Indeed I owe everything to Luigi," said Angelo, affectionately. "But for him I could not have survived our boyhood days, when we were friendless and poor—ah, so poor! We lived from hand to mouth—lived on the coarse fare of unwilling charity, and for weeks and weeks together not a morsel of food passed my lips, for its character revolted me and I could not eat it. But for Luigi I should have died. He ate for us both."
"How noble ! " sighed Rowena.
"Do you hear that?" said the widow, severely, to her boys. "Let it be an example to you—I mean you, Joe."
Joe gave his head a barely perceptible disparaging toss and said: "Et for both. It ain't anything—I 'd a done it."
"Hush, if you have n't got any better manners
" I don't care-it was food, and I 'd 'a et it if it was rotten."
'' Shame ! Such language ! Can't you understand? They were starving—actually starving —and he ate for both, and— "
"Shucks! you gimme a chance and I'll—"
"There, now—close your head ! and don't you open it again till you're asked."
[Angelo goes on and tells how his parents the Count and Countess had to fly from Florence for political reasons"' and died poor in Berlin bereft of their great property by confiscation; and how he and Luigi had to travel with a freak-allow during two years and suffer semi-starvation.]
" that hateful black-bread! but I seldom ate anything during that time; that was poor Luigi's affair— "
" I 'll never Mister him again ! " cried the widow, with strong emotion, " he 's Luigi to me, from this out ! "
"Thank you a thousand times, madam, a thousand times! Though in truth I don't deserve it."
"Ah, Luigi is always the fortunate one
"Call you Angelo? Why, certainly I will; what are you thinking of ! In the case of twins, why—"
"But, ma, you're breaking up the story— do let him go on."
"You keep still, Rowena Cooper, and he can go on all the better, I reckon. One interruption don't hurt, it's two that makes the trouble."
"But you 've added one, now, and that is three."
"Rowena! I will not allow you to talk back at me when you have got nothing rational to say."
3. CHAPTER III.
[After breakfast the whole village crowded in, and there was a grand reception in honor of the twins and at the close of it the gifted "freak " captured everybody's admiration by sitting down at the piano and knocking out a classic four-handed piece in great style. Then the Judge took it—or them—driving in his buggy and showed off his village.]
ALL along the streets the people crowded the windows and stared at the amazing twins. Troops of small boys flocked after the buggy, excited and yelling. At first the dogs showed no interest. They thought they merely saw three men in a buggy—a matter of no consequence; but when they found out the facts of the case, they altered their opinion pretty, radically, and joined the boys, expressing their minds as they came. Other dogs got interested; indeed all the dogs. It was a spirited sight to see them come leaping fences, tearing around corners, swarming out of every by-street
[It was a long and lively drive. Angelo was a Methodist, Luigi was a Freethinker. The Judge was very proud of his Freethinker Society, which was flourishing along in a most prosperous way and already had two members—himself and the obscure and neglected Pudd'nhead Wilson. It was to meet that evening, and he invited Luigi to join; a thing which Luigi was glad to do, partly because it would please himself, and partly be-cause it would gravel Angelo.]
They had now arrived at the widow's gate, and the excursion was ended. The twins politely expressed their obligations for the pleasant
"For you also, dear sir," he added hastily, turning to Angelo and bowing. "In addressing myself particularly to your brother, I was not meaning to leave you out. It was an unintentional rudeness, I assure you, and due wholly to accident—accident and preoccupation. I beg you to forgive me."
His quick eye had seen the sensitive blood mount into Angelo's face, betraying the wound that had been inflicted. The sting of the slight had gone deep, but the apology was so prompt, and so evidently sincere, that the hurt was almost immediately healed, and a forgiving smile testified to the kindly Judge that all was well again.
Concealed behind Angelo's modest and unassuming exterior, and unsuspected by any but his intimates, was a lofty pride, a pride of almost abnormal proportions indeed, and this rendered him ever the prey of slights; and
This was of course natural; to have felt otherwise would have been unnatural. He had known no life but a combined one; he had been familiar with it from his birth; he was not able to conceive of any other as be-ing agreeable, or even bearable. To him, in the privacy of his secret thoughts, all other men were monsters, deformities; and during three-fourths of his life their aspect had filled him with what promised to be an unconquerable aversion. But at eighteen his eye began to take note of female beauty; and little by little, undefined longings grew up in his heart, under whose softening influences the old stubborn aversion gradually diminished, and finally disappeared. Men were still monstrosities to him, still deformities, and in his sober moments he had no desire to be like them,
This had been a hard day for him, physically and mentally. He had been called in the morning before he had quite slept off the effects of the liquor which Lulgi had drunk; and so, for the first half hour had had the seedy feeling, and languor, the brooding depression, the cobwebby mouth and druggy taste that come of dissipation and are so ill a preparation for bodily or intellectual activities; the long violent strain of the reception had followed; and this had been followed, in turn, by the dreary sight-seeing, the Judge's wearying explanations and laudations of the sights, and the stupefying clamor of the dogs. As a congrous conclusion, a fitting end, his feelings had been hurt, a slight had been put upon him. He would have been glad to forego dinner and betake himself to rest and sleep, but he held his peace and said no word, for he knew his brother, Luigi, was fresh. unweary, full of life, spirit, energy; he would have scoffed at the idea of wasting valuable time on a bed or a sofa, and would have refused permission.
4. CHAPTER IV.
ROWENA was dining out, Joe and Harry were belated at play, there were but three chairs and four persons that noon at the home dinner-table—the twins, the widow, and her chum, Aunt Betsey Hale. The widow soon perceived that Angelo's spirits were as low as Luigi's were high, and also that he had a jaded look. Her motherly solicitude was aroused, and she tried to get him interested in the talk and with him to a happier frame of mind, but the cloud of sadness remained on his countenance. Luigi lent his help, too. He used a form and a phrase which he was always accustomed to employ in these circumstances. He gave his brother an affectionate slap on the shoulder and said, encouragingly:
"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come !"
But this did no good. It never did. If anything it made the matter worse, as a rule, because it irritated Angelo. This made it a favorite with Luigi. By and by the widow said:
"Angelo, you are tired, you 've overdone yourself; you go right to bed, after dinner, and get a good nap and a rest, then you 'll be all right."
"Indeed I would give anything if I could do that, madam."
"And what 's to hender, I 'd like to know? Land, the room 's yours to do what you please with ! The idea that you can't do what you like with your own ! "
"But you see, there 's one prime essential —an essential of the very first importance— which is n't my own."
" What is that? "
" My body."
The old ladies looked puzzled, and Aunt Betsy Hale said:
" Why bless your heart, how is that?"
" It 's my brother's."
" Your brother's ! I don't quite understand,
"So it does. But not to both at the same time."
" That is mighty curious; I don't see how it can be. I should n't think it could be managed that way."
"Oh, it 's a good enough arrangement, and goes very well; in fact it would n't do to have it otherwise. I find that the teetotalers and the anti-teetotalers hire the use of the same hall for their meetings. Both parties don't use it at the same time, do they?"
" You bet they don't !" said both old ladies in a breath.
"And moreover," said Aunt Betsy, "the Freethinkers and the Baptist Bible-class use the same room over the Market-house, but you can take my word for it they don't mush up together and use it at the same time."
" Very well," said Angelo, " you understand it now. And it stands to reason that the arrangement could n't be improved. I 'll prove it to you. If our legs tried to obey two wills, how could we ever get anywhere?
"As sure as you are born ! Now ain't that wonderful! A body would never have thought of it."
"We should always be arguing and fussing and disputing over the merest trifles. We should lose worlds of time, for we could n't go down-stairs or up, could n't go to bed, could n't rise, could n't wash, could n't dress, could n't stand up, could n't sit down, could n't even cross our legs, without calling a meeting first and explaining the case and passing resolutions, and getting consent. It would n't ever do— now would it?"
"Do? Why, it would wear a person out in a week! Did you ever hear anything like it, Patsy Cooper? "
"Oh, you '11 find there 's more than one thing about them that ain't commonplace," said the widow, with the complacent air of a person with a property-right in a novelty that is under admiring scrutiny.
"Well now, how ever do you manage it? I don't mind saying I 'm suffering to know."
"He who made us," said Angelo reverently, "and with us this difficulty, also provided a way out of it. By a mysterious law of our being, each of us has utter and indisputable command of our body a week at a time, turn and turn about."
"Well, I never ! Now ain't that beautiful !"
"Yes, it is beautiful and infinitely wise and just. The week ends every Saturday at midnight to the minute, to the second, to the last shade of a fraction of a second, infallibly, unerringly, and in that instant the one brother's power over the body vanishes and the other brother takes possession, asleep or awake."
"How marvelous are His ways, and past finding out!"
Luigi said: " So exactly to the instant does the change come, that during our stay in many of the great cities of the world, the public clocks were regulated by it; and as hundreds of thousands of private clocks and watches were set and corrected in accordance with the public clocks, we really furnished the standard time for the entire city."
"Don't tell me that He don't do miracles
any more! Blowing down the walls of Jer-icho with rams' horns we' n't as difficult, in my opinion."
"And that is not all," said Angelo. "A thing that is even more marvelous, perhaps, is the fact that the change takes note of longitude and fits itself to the meridian we are on. Luigi is in command this week. Now, if on Saturday night at a moment before midnight we could fly in an instant to a point fifteen degrees west of here, he would hold possession of the power another hour, for the change observes local time and no other."
Betsy Hale was deeply impressed, and said with solemnity:
"Patsy Cooper, for detail it lays over the Passage of the Red Sea."
"Now, I should n't go as far as that," said Aunt Patsy, " but if you 've a mind to say Sodom and Gomorrah, I am with you, Betsy Hale."
"I am agreeable, then, though I do think I was right, and I believe Parson Maltby would say the same. Well now, there's another thing. Suppose one of you wants to borrow
"Yes, but we hardly ever do that. There were disagreeable results, several times, and so we very seldom ask or grant the privilege, nowdays, and we never even think of such a thing unless the case is extremely urgent. Besides, a week's possession at a time seems so little that we can't bear to spare a minute of it. People who have the use of their legs all the time never think of what a blessing it is, of course. It never occurs to them; it's just their natural ordinary condition, and so it does not excite them at all. But when I wake up, on Sunday morning, and it's my week and I feel the power all through me, oh, such a wave of exultation and thanksgiving goes surging over me, and I want to shout I can walk ! I can walk ! ' Madam, do you ever, at your uprising want to shout ' I can walk ! I can walk '? "
"No, you poor unfortunate cretur', but I '1l never get out of my bed again without doing it! Laws, to think I've had this unspeakable blessing all my long life and never had
Tears stood in the eyes of both the old ladies and the widow said, softly:
"Betsy Hale, we have learned something, you and me."
The conversation now drifted wide, but by and by floated back once more to that admired detail, the rigid and beautiful impartiality with which the possession of power had been distributed between the twins. Aunt Betsy saw in it a far finer justice than human law exhibits in related cases. She said:
"In my opinion it ain't right now, and never has been right, the way a twin born a quarter of a minute sooner than the other one gets all the land and grandeurs and nobilities in the old countries and his brother has to go bare and be a nobody. Which of you was born first? "
Angelo's head was resting against Luigi's; weariness had overcome him, and for the past five minutes he had been peacefully sleeping. The old ladies had dropped their voices to a lulling drone, to help him steal the rest his
"We were both born at the same time, but I am six months older than he is."
"For the land's sake ! "
" Sh ! don't wake him up; he would n't like my telling this. It has always been kept secret till now."
"But how in the world can it be? If you were both born at the same time, how can one of you be older than the other?"
"It is very simple, and I assure you it is true. I was born with a full crop of hair, he was as bald as an egg for six months. I could walk six months before he could make a step. I finished teething six months ahead of him. I began to take solids six months before he left the breast. I began to talk six months before he could say a word. Last, and absolutely unassailable proof, the sutures in my skull closed six months ahead of his. Always just that six months difference to a day. Was that accident? Nobody is going to claim that, I 'm sure. It was ordained—it
The two old ladies were stunned, paralyzed —petrified, one may almost say—and could only sit and gaze vacantly at each other for some moments; then Aunt Betsy Hale said immpressively:
"There 's no getting around proof like that. I do believe it's the most amazing thing I ever heard of." She sat silent a moment or two and breathing hard with excitement, then she looked up and surveyed the strangers steadfastly a little while, and added: " Well, it does beat me, but I would have took you for twins anywhere."
"So would I, so would I," said Aunt Patsy with the emphasis of a certainty that is not impaired by any shade of doubt.
"Anybody would-anybody in the world, I don't care who he is," said Aunt Betsy with decision.
"You won't tell," said Luigi, appealingly.
"Oh, dear no!" answered both ladies promptly, "you can trust us, don't you be afraid."
"That is good of you, and kind. Never let on; treat us always as if we were twins."
"You can depend on us," said Aunt Betsy, "but it won't be easy, because now that I know you ain't, you don't seem so."
Luigi muttered to himself with satisfaction: " that swindle has gone through without change of cars."
It was not very kind of him to load the poor things up with a secret like that, which would be always flying to their tongues' ends every time they heard any one speak of the strangers as twins, and would become harder and harder to hang on to with every recurrence of the temptation to tell it, while the torture of retaining it would increase with every new strain that was applied; but he never thought of that, and probably would not have worried much about it if he had.
"How does things come on between Roweny and Tom Driscoll? "
"Well, about the same. He writes tolerable often, and she answers tolerable seldom."
"Where is he? "
"In St. Louis, I believe, though he's such a gad-about that a body can't be very certain of him, I reckon."
"Don't Roweny know? "
"Oh, yes, like enough. I have n't asked her lately."
"Do you know how him and the Judge are getting along now? "
"First-rate, I believe. Mrs. Pratt says so; and being right in the house; and sister to the one and aunt to t' other, of course she ought to know. She says the Judge is real fond of
"Tom 's rusher harum-scarum, but there ain't anything bad in him, I guess."
"Oh no, he's just young, that's all. Still, twenty-three is old, in one way. A young man ought to be earning his living by that time. If Tom were doing that, or was even trying to do it, the Judge would be a heap better satisfied with him. Tom's always going to begin, but somehow he can't seem to find just the opening he likes."
"Well now, it 's partly the Judge's own fault. Promising the boy his property was n't the way to set him to earning a fortune of his own. But what do you think—is Roweny beginning to lean any towards him, or ain't she?"
Aunt Patsy had a secret in her bosom; she wanted to keep it there, but nature was too strong for her. She drew Aunt Betsy aside, and said in her most confidential and mysterious manner:
"Don't you breathe a syllable to a soul— I'm going to tell you something. In my opinion Tom Driscoll's chances were considerable better yesterday than they are today."
" Patsy Cooper, what do you mean?"
"It 's so, as sure as you 're born. I wish you could 'a' been at breakfast and seen for yourself."
"You don't mean it ! "
" Well, if I 'm any judge, there 's a leaning —there's a leaning, sure."
" My land ! Which one of 'em is it? "
"I can't say for certain, but I think it's the youngest one—Anjy."
Then there were handshakings, and congratulations, and hopes, and so on, and the old ladies parted, perfectly happy—the one in knowing something which the rest of the town did n't, and the other in having been the sole person able to furnish that knowledge.
The visitor who had called to see the twins was the Rev. Mr. Hotchkiss, pastor of the Baptist church. At the reception Angelo had told him he had lately experienced a change
5. CHAPTER V.
[A long and vigorous quarrel follows, between the twins. And there is plenty to quarrel about, for Angelo was always seeking truth, and this obliged him to change and improve his religion with frequency, which wearied Luigi, and annoyed him too; for he had to be present at each new enlistment—which placed hitn in the false position of seedming to indorse and approve his brother's fickleness; moreover, he had to go to Angelo's prohibition meetings, and he hated them. On the other hand, when it was his week to command the legs he gave Angelo just cause of complaint, for he took him to circuses and horse-races and fandangoes, exposing him to all sorts of censure and criticism; and he drank, too; and whatever he drank went to Angelo's head instead of his own and made him act disgracefully. When the evening was come, the two attended the Freethinkers' meeting, where Angelo was sad and silent; then came the Bible-class and looked upon him coldly, finding him in such company. Then they went to Wilson's house, and Chapter XI. of "Pudd'nhead Wilson " follows, which tells of the girl seen in Tom Driscoll's room; and closes with the kicking of Tom by Luigi at the anti-temperance mass meeting of the Sons of Liberty; with the addition of some account of Roxy's adventures as a chambermaid on a Mississippi boat. Her exchange of the children had been flippantly and farcically described in an earlier chapter.]
Next morning all the town was a-buzz with great news; Pudd'nhead Wilson had a law-ase! The public astonishment was so great and the public curiosity so intense, that when the justice of the peace opened his court, the place was packed with people, and even the windows were full. Everybody was flushed and perspiring, the summer heat was almost unendurable.
Tom Driscoll had brought a charge of asault and battery against the twins. Robert Allen was retained by Driscoll, David Wilson by the defense. Tom, his native cheerfulness unannihilated by his back-breaking and bone-bruising passage across the massed heads of the Sons of Liberty the previous night, laughed his little customary laugh, and said to Wilson:
"I 've kept my promise, you see: I 'm throwing my business your way. Sooner than l was expecting, too."
"It 's very good of you-particularly if you nean to keep it up."
" Well, I can't tell about that, yet. But we'll see. If I find you deserve it I 'll take you
" I 'll try to deserve it, Tom."
A jury was sworn in; then Mr. Allen said:
"We will detain your honor but a moment with this ease. It is not one where any doubt of the fact of the assault can enter in. These gentlemen—the accused—kicked my client at the Market Hall last night; they kicked him with violence; with extraodinary violence; with even unprecedented violence, I may say; insomuch that he was lifted entirely off his feet and discharged into the midst of the audience. We can prove this by four hundred witnesses—we shall call but three. Mr. Harkness will take the stand."
Mr. Harkness being sworn, testified that he was chairman upon the occasion mentioned; that he was close at hand and saw the defendants in this action kick the plaintiff into the air and saw him descend among the audience.
"Take the witness," said Allen.
"Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, "you say you saw these gentlemen, my clients, kick the plaintiff. Are you sure—and please remember
A bewildered look began to spread itself over the witness's face. He hesitated, stammered, but got out nothing. His eyes wandered to the twins and fixed themselves there with a vacant gaze.
"Please answer, Mr. Harkness, you are keeping the court waiting It is a very simple question."
Counsel for the prosecution broke in with impatience:
"Your honor, the question is an irrelevant triviality. Necessarily they both kicked him, for they have but the one pair of legs, and both are responsible for them."
Wilson said, sarcastically:
"Will your honor permit this new witness to be sworn? He seems to possess knowledge which can be of the utmost value just at this moment-knowledge which would at once dispose of what every one must see is a very difficult question in this case. Brother Allen, will you take the stand? "
"Go on with your case !" said Allen, petulantly. The audience laughed, and got a warning from the court.
'Now, Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, insinuatingly, "we shall have to insist upon an answer to that question."
"I—er—well, of course I do not absolutely know, but in my opinion—"
" Never mind your opinion, sir—answer the question."
"I—why, I can't answer it."
"That will do, Mr. Harkness. Stand down."
The audience tittered, and the discomfited witness retired in a state of great embarrassment.
Mr. Wakeman took the stand and swore that he saw the twins kick the plaintiff off the platform. The defence took the witness.
" Mr. Wakeman, you have sworn that you saw these gentlemen kick the plaintiff. Do I understand you to swear that you saw them both do it?"
"Yes, sir,"—with decision.
" How do you know that both did it?"
"Because I saw them do it."
The audience laughed, and got another warning from the court.
"But by what means do you know that both, and not one, did it?"
"Well, in the first place, the insult was given to both of them equally, for they were called a pair of scissors. Of course they would both want to resent it, and so—"
"Wait ! You are theorizing now. Stick to facts—counsel will attend to the arguments. Go on."
"Well, they both went over there—that I saw."
" Very good. Go on."
"And they both kicked him—I swear to it. "
"Mr. Wakeman, was Count Luigi, here, willing to join the Sons of Liberty last night? "
"Yes, sir, he was. He did join, too, and drank a glass or two of whisky, like a man.'
"Was his brother willing to join?"
"No, sir, he was n't. He is a teetotaler, and was elected through a mistake."
"Was he given a glass of whisky? "
"Yes, sir, but of course that was another mistake, and not intentional. He would n't drink it. He set it down." A slight pause, then he added, casually and quite simply: "The plaintiff reached for it and hogged it."
There was a fine outburst of laughter, but as the justice was caught out himself, his reprimand was not very vigorous.
Mr. Allen jumped up and exclaimed:
"protest against these foolish irrelevancies. What have they to do with the case?"
Wilson said: "Calm yourself, brother, it was only an experiment. Now, Mr. Wakemanr if one of these gentlemen chooses to join an association and the other does n't; and if one of them enjoys whisky and the other does n't, but sets it aside and leaves it unprotected" (titter from the audience), " it seems to show that they have independent minds and tastes and preferences, and that one of them is able to approve of a thing at the very moment that the other is heartily disapproving of it. Does n't it seem so to you?"
"Certainly it does. It's perfectly plain."
"Now then, it might be—I only say it
"Of course it is. It 's more than possible. I don't believe the blonde one would kick anybody. It was the other one that—"
"Silence ! " shouted the plaintiff's counsel, and went on with an angry sentence which was lost in the wave of laughter that swept the house.
"That will do, Mr. Wakeman," said Wilson, " you may stand down."
The third witness was called. He had seen the twins kick the plaintiff. Mr. Wilson took the witness.
"Mr. Rogers, you say you saw these accused gentlemen kick the plaintiff?"
" Yes, sir."
" Both of them?"
"Yes, sir."
" Which of them kicked him first? "
" Why—they—they both kicked him at the same time."
"Are you perfectly sure of that? "
"Yes, sir."
"What makes you sure of it? "
"Why, I stood right behind them, and saw them do it."
"How many kicks were delivered? "
"Only one."
"If two men kick, the result should be two kicks, should n't it? "
"Why—why—yes, as a rule."
"Then what do you think went with the other kick? "
"I—well—the fact is, I was n't thinking of two being necessary, this time."
"What do you think now? "
"Well, I-I 'm sure I don't quite know what to think, but I reckon that one of them did half of the kick and the other one did the other half."
Somebody in the crowd sung out: "It's the first sane thing that any of them has said."
The audience applauded. The judge said:
"Silence! or I will clear the court."
Mr. Allen looked pleased, but Wilson did not seem disturbed. He said:
"Mr. Rogers, you have favored us with what you think and what you reckon, but as thinking and reckoning are not evidence, I will now give you a chance to come out with something positive, one way or the other, and shall require you to produce it. I will ask the accused to stand up and repeat the phenomenal kick of last night." The twins stood up. " Now, Mr. Rogers, please stand behind them."
A Voice: " No, stand in front ! " (Laugh-ter. Silenced by the court.) Another Voice:
"No, give Tommy another highst! " (Laugh-ter. Sharply rebuked by the court.)
"Now then, Mr. Rogers, two kicks shall be delivered, one after the other, and I give you my word that at least one of the two shall be delivered by one of the twins alone, without the slightest assistance from his brother. Watch sharply, for you have got to render a decision without any if's and and's in it." Rogers bent himself behind the twins with his palms just above his knees, in the modern at-titude of the catcher at a base-ball match, and riveted his eyes on the pair of legs in front of him. " Are you ready, Mr. Rogers? "
"Ready, sir."
"Kick! "
The kick was launched.
"Have you got that one classified, Mr. Rogers? "
"Let me study a minute, sir."
"Take as much time as you please. Let me know when you are ready."
For as much as a minute Rogers pondered, with all eyes and a breathless interest fastened upon him. Then he gave the word: "Ready, sir."
"Kick !"
The kick that followed was an exact duplicate of the first one.
"Now then, Mr. Rogers, one of those kicks was an individual kick, not a mutual one. You will now state positively which was the mutual one."
The witness said, with a crestfallen look:
" I've got to give it up. There ain't any man in the world that could tell t'other from which, sir."
" Do you still assert that last night's kick was a mutual kick?"
"Indeed I don't, sir."
"That will do, Mr. Rogers. If my brother Allen desires to address the court, your honor, very well; but as far as I am concerned I am ready to let the case be at once delivered into the hands of this intelligent jury without comment. "
Mr. Justice Robinson had been in office only two months, and in that short time had not had many cases to try, of course. He had no knowledge of laws and courts except what he had picked up since he came into office. He was a sore trouble to the lawyers, for his rulings were pretty eccentric sometimes, and he stood by them with Roman simplicity and fortitude; but the people were well satisfied with him, for they saw that his intentions were always right, that he was entirely impartial, and that he usually made up in good sense what he lacked in technique, so to speak. He now perceived that there was likely to be a miscarriage of justice here, and he rose to the occaslon.
"Wait a moment, gentlemen," he said, "it is plain that an assault has been committed—
" But, your honor! " said Wilson, interrupting him, earnestly but respectfully, " you are deciding the case yourself, whereas the jury—,
" Never mind the jury, Mr. Wilson; the jury will have a chance when there is a reasonable doubt for them to take hold of—which there is n't, so far. There is no doubt whatever that an assault has been committed. The attempt to show that both of the accused committed it has failed. Are they both to escape justice on that account? Not in this court, if I can pre-vent it. It appears to have been a mistake to bring the charge against them as a corporation; c ach should have been charged in his capacity as an individual, and —"
"But your honor! " said Wilson, " in fair-ness to my clients I must insist that inasmuch as the prosecution did not separate the—"
" No wrong will be done your clients, sir— they will be protected; also the public and the offended laws. Mr. Allen, you will amend
Wilson broke in: " But your honor! this is wholly unprecedented! To imperil an accused person by arbitrarily altering and widening the charge against him in order to compass his conviction when the charge as originally brought promises to fail to convict, is a thing unheard of before."
"Unheard of where? "
"In the courts of this or any other State."
The judge said with dignity: " I am not aquainted with the customs of other courts, and am not concerned to know what they are. I am responsible for this court, and I cannot conscientiously allow my judgment to be warped and my judicial liberty hampered by trying to conform to the caprices of other courts, be they—"
" But, your honor, the oldest and highest courts in Europe— "
"This court is not run on the European plan, Mr. Wilson; it is not run on any plan but its own. It has a plan of its own; and that plan is, to find justice for both State and accused,
Allen was not at his ease. However, after whispering a moment with his client and with one or two other people, he rose and said:
"Your honor, I find it to be reported and believed that the accused are able to act independently in many ways, but that this independence does not extend to their legs, authority over their legs being vested exclusively in the one brother during a specific
"Never mind about that, Mr. Allen. It may not all be hearsay. We shall see. It may at least help to put us on the right track. Call the witnesses."
"Then I will call Mr. John Buckstone, who is now present, and I beg that Mrs. Patsy Cooper may be sent for. Take the stand, Mr Buckstone."
Buckstone took the oath, and then testified that on the previous evening the Count Angelo Cappello had protested against going to the hall, and had called all present to witness that he was going by compulsion and would not go if he could help himself. Also
"Now we are getting at the kernel of the thing," observed the judge, with grave and earnest satisfaction. `' It looks as if the Count Luigi was in possession of the battery at the time of the assault."
Nothing further was elicited from Mr. Buckstone on direct examination. Mr. Wilson took the witness.
"Mr. Buckstone, about what time was it that that conversation took place?"
"Toward nine yesterday evening, sir."
"Did you then proceed directly to the hall?
"Yes, sir."
"How long did it take you to go there? "
"Well, we walked; and as it was from the extreme edge of the town, and there was no
"about what hour was the kick delivered?"
"At thirteen minutes and a half to ten."
"Admirable! You are a pattern witness, Mr. Buckstone. How did you happen to look at your watch at that particular moment? "
"I always do it when I see an assault. It 's likely I shall be called as a witness, and it's a good point to have."
"It would be well if others were as thoughtful. Was anything said, between the conversation at my house and the assault, upon the detail which we are now examining into?"
"No, sir."
"If power over the mutual legs was in the possession of one brother at nine, and passed into the possession of the other one during the next thirty or forty minutes, do you think you could have detected the change?"
" By no means !"
"That is all, Mr. Buckstone."
Mrs. Patsy Cooper was called. The crowd made way for her, and she came smiling and bowing through the narrow human lane, with Betsy Hale, as escort and support, smiling and bowing in her wake, the audience breaking into welcoming cheers as the old favorites filed along. The judge did not check this kindly demonstration of homage and affection, but let it run its course unrebuked.
The old ladies stopped and shook hands with the twins with effusion, then gave the judge a friendly nod, and bustled into the seats provided for them. They immediately began to deliver a volley of eager questions at the friends around them: " What is this thing for? " " What is that thing for? " " Who is that young man that 's writing at the desk? Why, I declare, it's Jack Bunce! I thought he was sick." " Which is the jury? Why, is that the jury? Billy Price and Job Turner, and Jack Lounsbury, and— well, I never!" " Now who would ever a' thought— "
But they were gently called to order at this point, and asked not to talk in court.
Their tongues fell silent, but the radiant interest in their faces remained, and their gratitude for the blessing of a new sensation and a novel experience still beamed undimmed from their eyes. Aunt Patsy stood up and took the oath, and Mr. Allen explained the point in issue, and asked her to go on, now, in her own way, and throw as much light upon it as she could. She toyed with her reticule a moment or two, as if considering where to begin, then she said:
" Well, the way of it is this. They are Luigi's legs a week at a time, and then they are Angelo's, and he can do whatever he wants to with them."
"You are making a mistake, Aunt Patsy Cooper," said the judge. " You should n't state that as a fact, because you don't know it to be a fact."
"What 's the reason I don't?" said Aunt Patsy, bridling a little.
"What is the reason that you do know it? "
"The best in the world—because they told me."
"That is n't a reason."
"Well, for the land's sake! Betsy Hale, do you hear that?"
"Hear it? I should think so," said Aunt Betsy, rising and facing the court. " Why, Judge, I was there and heard it myself. Luigi says to Angelo-no, it was Angelo said it to—"
"Come, come, Mrs. Hale, pray sit down, and—"
"Certainly, it 's all right, I 'm going to sit down presently, but not until I 've—"
"But you must sit down!"
" Must ! Well, upon my word if things ain't getting to a pretty pass when—"
The house broke into laughter, but was promptly brought to order, and meantime Mr. Allen persuaded the old lady to take her seat. Aunt Patsy continued:
"Yes, they told me that, and I know it 's true. They 're Luigi's legs this week, but—"
"Ah, they told you that, did they?" said the justice, with interest.
"Well no, I don't know that they told me, but that's neither here nor there. I know, without that, that at dinner yesterday, Angelo
"Did he ask for them?"
"Let me see-it seems to me somehow, that—that—Aunt Betsy, do you remember whether he— "
"Never mind about what Aunt Betsy remembers—she is not a witness; we only want to know what you remember, yourself," said the judge.
"Well, it does seem to me that you are Most cantankerously particular about a little thing, Sim Robinson. Why, when I can't remember a thing myself, I always "
"Ah, please go on! "
"Now how can she when you keep fussing at her all the time? " said Aunt Betsy. " Why, with a person pecking at me that way, I should get that fuzzled and fuddled that— "
She was on her feet again, but Allen coaxed her into her seat once more, while the court squelched the mirth of the house. Then the judge said:
"Madam. do vou know —do you absolutely
"Regularly? Bless your heart, regularly ain't any name for the exactness of it! All the big cities in Europe used to set clocks by it." (Laughter, supressed by the court.)
"How do you know? That is the question. Please answer it plainly and squarely."
"Don't you talk to me like that, Sim Robinson—I won't have it. How do I know, indeed! How do you know what you know? Because somebody told you. You did n't invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these twins are the truthfulest people in the world; and I don't think it becomes you to sit up there and throw slurs at them when they have n't been doing anything to you. And they are orphans besides—both of them. All—"
But Aunt Betsy was up again, now, and both old ladies were talking at once and with all their might; but as the house was weltering in a storm of laughter, and the judge was
"Let the ladies retire."
"But, your honor, I have the right, in the interest of my clients, to cross examin—" "You'll not need to excercise it, Mr. Wilson—the evidence is thrown out."
"Thrown out! Said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; "and what's it thrown out for, I'd like to know."
"And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these poor persecuted strangers, it is our bounded duty to stand up here and talk for them till—"
"There, there, there, do sit down!"
It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into their seats at last. The trial was soon ended, now. The twins themselves became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon oath, that the leg-power passed from one to the other every Saturday night at twelve o'clock, sharp. But the cross-examination their counsel
" We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged; 2, that it was com-mitted by one of the persons accused, he having been seen to do it by several credible witnesses: 3, but that his identity is so merged in his brother's that we have not been able to tell which was him. We cannot convict both, for only one is guilty. We cannot acquit both, for only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been defeated by the dispensation of God, and ask to be dis-charged from further duty."
This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause. The old ladies made a spring at the twins, to shake and
The Judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silver-bowed spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his fingers, and said, with dignity and solemnity, and even with a certain pathos:
"In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen Justice bow her head in shame in this court until this day. You little realize what far-reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of law. Imitation is the bane of courts—I thank God that this one is free from the contamination of that vice —and in no long time you will see the fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate so-called guardians of justice in all the wide circumstance of this planet and perpetuated in their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this iniquity. I would have compelled these culprits to expose their guilt, but support failed me where I had most right to expect aid and encouragement. And I was confronted by a law made in the interest of
"Prisoners at the bar, stand up. Through suppression of evidence, a jury of your—our —countrymen have been obliged to deliver a verdict concerning your case which stinks to heaven with the rankness of its injustice. By its terms you, the guilty one, go free with the innocent. Depart in peace, and come no more! The costs devolve upon the outraged
Almost everybody crowded forward to overwhelm the twins and their counsel with congratulations; but presently the two old aunties dug the duplicates out and bore them away in triumph through the hurrahing crowd, while lots of new friends carried Pudd'nhead Wilson off tavern-wards to feast him and "wet down" his great and victorious entry into the legal arena. To Wilson, so long familiar with neglect and depreciation, this strange new incense of popularity and admiration was as a fragrance blown from the fields of paradise. A happy man was Wilson.
6. CHAPTER VI.
A DEPUTATION came in the evening and conferred upon Wilson the welcome honor of a nomination for mayor; for the village has just been converted into a city by charter. Tom skulks out of challenging the twins. Judge Driscoll thereupon challenges Angelo, (accused by Tom of doing the kicking ;) he declines, but Luigi accepts in his place against Angelo's timid protest.
IT was late Saturday night—nearing eleven. The Judge and his second found the rest of the war party at the further end of the vacant ground, near the haunted house. Pudd'nhead Wilson advanced to meet them, and said anxiously—
" I must say a word in behalf of my principal's proxy, Count Luigi, to whom you have kindly granted the privilege of fighting my principal's battle for him. It is growing late, and Count Luigi is in great trouble lest midnight shall strike before the finish."
"It is another testimony," said Howard,
Wilson said—
"There is also another reason—a consideration, in fact, which deeply concerns Count Luigi himself. These twins have command of their mutual legs turn about. Count Lulgi is in command, now; but at midnight, possession will pass to my principal, Count Angelo, and well, you can foresee what will happen. He will march straight off the field, and carry Luigi with him."
"Why ! sure enough ! " cried the Judge, "we have heard something about that extraodinary law of their being, already—nothing very definite, it is true, as regards dates and durations of the power, but I see it is definite enough as regards to-night. Of course we must give Luigi every chance. Omit all the ceremonial possible, gentlemen, and place us in position."
The seconds now stepped at once to their posts, half way between the combatants, one
"O, please take me away from here, I can't stay, I know I can't! "
"What in the world are you doing? Straighten up! What 's the matter with you? —you're in no danger—nobody's going to shoot at you. Straighten up, I tell you ! "
Angelo obeyed, just in time to hear—
"One—!"
"Bang!" Just one report, and a little tuft of white hair floated slowly to the Judge's feet in the moonlight. The Judge did not swerve; he still stood erect and motionless, like a statue, with his pistol-arm hanging straight down at his side. He was reserving his fire.
" Two—! "
" Three—! "
" Fire—! "
Up came the pistol-arm instantly—Angelo dodged with the report. He said "Ouch !" and fainted again.
The doctor examined and bandaged the wound. It was of no consequence, he said—bullet through fleshy part of arm—no bones broken—the gentleman was still able to fight —let the duel proceed.
Next time Angelo jumped just as Luigi fired, which disordered his aim and caused him to cut a chip out of Howard's ear. The Judge took his time again, and when he fired Angelo jumped and got a knuckle skinned. The doctor inspected and dressed the wounds. Angelo now spoke out and said he was content with the satisfaction he had got, and if the Judge—but Luigi shut him roughly up, and asked him not to make an ass of himself; adding—
"And I want you to stop dodging. You take a great deal too prominent a part in this thing for a person who has got nothing to do with it. You should remember that you are
Angelo saw the reasonableness of what his brother had said, and he did try to reform, but it was of no use; both pistols went off at the same instant, and he jumped once more; I he got a sharp scrape along his cheek from, the Judge's bullet, and so deflected Luigi's aim that his ball went wide and chipped a flake of skin from Pudd'nhead Wilson's chin. The doctor attended to the wounded.
By the terms, the duel was over. But Luigi was entirely out of patience, and begged for one more exchange of shots, insisting that
"Count Luigi's request for another exchange is another proof that he is a brave and chivalrous gentleman, and I beg that the courtesy he asks may be accorded him."
I thank you most sincerely for this generosity, Judge Driscoll," said Luigi, with a polite bow, and moving to his place. Then he added—to Angelo, " Now hold your grip, hold your grip, I tell you, and I '11 land him, sure ! "
The men stood erect, their pistol-arms at their sides, the two seconds stood at their
"Boom ! "—the first stroke of midnight swung up out of the distance: Angelo was off like a deer !
"Oh, you unspeakable traitor ! " wailed his brother, as they went soaring over the fence.
The others stood astonished and gazing; and so stood, watching that strange spectacle until distance dissolved it and swept it from their view. Then they rubbed their eyes like people waking out of a dream.
"Well, I ve never seen anything like that before ! " said the J udge. "Wilson, I am going to confess, now, that I was n't quite able to believe in that leg-business, and had a suspicion that it was a put-up convenience between those twins: and when Count Angelo
"There is n't any doubt about that," said Howard, and added in a grieved tone, "but what an unworthy sort of Christian that Angelo is—I hope and believe there are not many like him. It is not right to engage in a duel on the Sabbath—I could not approve of that myself; but to finish one that has been begun—that is a duty, let the day be what it may."
They strolled along, still wondering, still talking.
"It is a curious circumstance," remarked the surgeon, halting Wilson a moment to paste some more court plaster on his chin, which had gone to leaking blood again, " that in this duel neither of the parties who handled the pistols lost blood, while nearly all the
"Yes," said the Judge, "it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time. In the case of Angelo it made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned, though not officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised, and yet I knew no way to mend the matter."
"There was no way to mend it," said Howard, whose ear was being readjusted now by the doctor; " the code fixes our place, and it would not have been lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your side, or behind you, or in front of you, it— but it would not have been legitimate and the other parties would have had a just right to complain of our trying to protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code are certainly not permissible in any case whatever."
Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little place here for
He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the Judge accepted, but the doctor said he would have to go and see how Angelo's principal wound was getting on.
[It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received into the Baptist communion by immersion —a doubtful prospect, tile doctor feared.]
7. CHAPTER VII.
WHEN the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the lights going and everybody up and dressed and in a great state of solicitude and excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the sitting-room, Aunt Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying around under her commands, the two young boys were trying to keep out of the way and always getting in it, in order to see and wonder, Rowena stood apart, helpless with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was growling in unappeasable fury over Angelo's shameful flight.
As has been reported before, the doctor was a fool—a kindhearted and well-meaning one, but with no tact; and as he was by long odds the most learned physician in the town,
He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for once; but Aunt Patsy was so anxious and so pressing that he allowed his caution to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with scientific relish—
"Without going too much into detail, madam—for you would probably not understand it anyway—I concede that great care is going to be necessary here; otherwise exudation of the aesophagus is nearly sure to ensue, and this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the maxillaris superioris, which must decompose the granular surfaces of the great infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated sorosis of the valvular tissues, and ending unavoidably in the dispersion and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the
A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of despair invaded her face, she was not able to speak; poor Rowena wrung her hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness of her young grief, "There is no hope—it is plain there is no hope;" the good-hearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to chocolate, then to orange, then to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, " Po' thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' cat;" small Henry choked up, and turned his head away to hide his rising tears, and his brother Joe said to himself, with a sense of loss, "The baptizing's busted, that's sure." Luigi was the only person who had any heart to speak. He said, a little bit sharply, to the doctor—
"Well, well, there 's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time: give him a barrel of pills—I'll take them for him."
"You? " asked the doctor.
"Yes. Did you suppose he was going to take them himself?"
"Why, of course."
"Well, it's a mistake. He never took a dose of medicine in his life. He can't."
" Well, upon my word, it 's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of ! "
"Oh," said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being admired and wondered at, " you'll find that there's more about them that's wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the rest of His creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you," and she wagged her complacent head like one who could reveal marvelous things if she chose.
The boy Joe began—
" Why, ma, they ain't made in the im— "
"You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I want help. Are you looking for something, Doctor?" The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would write a prescription; which he did. It was one of Galen's; in fact, it was Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand years. Galen used it for everything, applied it to
"Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half; of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, gum tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, celtic, nerd, spignel, hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes, rheum ponticum, alipta moschata, castor,
"There," he said, " that will fix the patient; give his brother a dipperful every three-quarters of an hour— "
—"while he survives," muttered Luigi—
—" and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and windows
"That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned," said Luigi, "but what am I to eat?"
"I do not see that there is anything the matter with you," the doctor answered, " you may of course eat what you please."
"And also drink what I please, I suppose? "
"Oh, certainly-at present. When the violent and continuous perspiring has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of course, and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile. "He turned to Aunt Patsy and said: "He must be put to bed, and sat up with, and tended
"For one, I 'm sacredly thankful for that," said Lulgi, "it postpones the funeral—I 'm not to be drowned to-day, anyhow."
Angelo said quietly to the doctor:
"I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two o'clock this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be confined to the house during that intermediate hour."
" Why, may I ask? "
"Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to be baptized in the river at that hour."
"Oh, insanity !—it cannot be allowed ! "
Angelo answered with placid firmness—
"Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive."
"Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal."
A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke forth in a tone of joyous fervency—
"Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause—it would be martydom!"
"But your brother-consider your brother; you would be risking his life, too."
"He risked mine an hour ago," responded Angelo, gloomily; "did he consider me?" A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder." If I had not run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath day, and my soul would have been lost—lost."
"Oh, don't fret, it was n't in any danger," said Lulgi, irritably; "they would n't waste it for a little thing like that; there 's a glass case all ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with."
Aunt Patsy was shocked, and said—
" Looy, Looy !—don't talk so, dear ! "
Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she murmured to herself, "Oh, if I but had the dear privilege of protecting and defending him with my weak voice! —but alas, this sweet boon is denied me by the cruel conventions of social intercourse."
"Get their bed ready," said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, " and shut up the windows and doors, and light their candles, and see that you drive all the mosquitoes out of their bar, and make
— "and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his neck, and some gum shoes for his ears," Luigi interrupted, with temper; and added, to himself, " Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just know it !"
"Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body would think you did n't care for your brother."
"I don't—to that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was postponed a minute ago, but I'm not, now. No, that is all gone by: I want to be drowned."
"You '11 bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you go on like that. Why, I never heard the beat of it. Now, there,—there! you've said enough. Not another word out of you,—I won't have it!"
"But, Aunt Patsy— "
"Luigi ! Did n't you hear what I told you?"
"But, Aunt Patsy, I—why, I 'm not going to set my heart and lungs afloat in that pail of
"Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell you, like a dear," and she tapped his cheek affectionately with her finger. "Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up the things and lay them out for me. I 'l1 sit up with my patient the rest of the night, Doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she could n't make Luigi take the medicine. Of course you'll drop in again during the day. Have you got any more directions?"
"No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I '11 be along by early candlelight, anyway. Meantime, don't allow him to get out of his bed."
Angelo said, with calm determination—
"I shall be baptized at two o'clock. Nothing but death shall prevent me.
The doctor said nothing aloud, but to himself he said:
"Why, this chap s got a manly side, after all! Physically he 's a coward, but morally he's a lion. I '11 go and tell the others about
Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage in the moral field es she was of Luigi's in the field of honor.
The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and gratefully, " We 're all hunky, after all; and no postponement on account of the weather."
8. CHAPTER VIII.
BY nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel, and there were but two opinions about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in the field was most praiseworthy and Angelo's flight most scandalous; the other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake was as fine and creditable as was Luigi's in holding the field in the face of the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the other one was maintained by the other half. The division was clean and exact, and it made two parties, an Angelo party and a Luigi party. The twins had suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, and haloed with a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel all the way to Sunday-school, their elders talked it all the
By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo, in spite of his wound and all warnings and supplications, was resolute in his determination to be baptised at the hour appointed. This swept the town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusism of the Angelo faction, who said, "If any doubted that it was moral courage that took him from the field, what have they to say now! "
Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countrywards, toward all points of the compass; so, whereas before only the farmers and their wives were intending to come end witness the remarkable baptism, a general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and negroes admitted to the privileges of the occasion. All the farms for ten miles around were vacated, all the converging roads emptied long processions of wagons, horses and yeomanry into the town. The pack and cram of people vastly exceeded any that had ever
The great invasion massed itself on the river bank and waited hungrily for the immense event. Waited, and wondered if it would really happen, or if the twin who was not a "professor " would stand out and prevent it.
But they were not to be disappointed. Angelo was as good as his word. He came attended by an escort of honor composed of several hundred of the best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was finished they escorted him back home; and would even have carried him on their shoulders, but that people might think they were carrying Lulgi.
Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the strangely-mated pair of incidents that had distinguished
At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed him, it had merely made him wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he had got only brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every three-quarters of an hour—and Annt Betsy Hale was there to see that he did it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with him, and said in a low voice:
"No—no, that won't do; you must n't talk, and you must n't retch and gag that way, either—you '11 wake up your poor brother."
"Well, what of it, Aunt Betsy, he "
"Sh-h ! Don't make a noise, dear. You
"Sick, is he? Well, I wish I—"
"Sh-h-h ! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of it-don't keep me holding the dipper all night. I declare if you have n't left a good fourth of it in the bottom ! Come-that's a good boy."
"Aunt Betsy, don't make me ! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do, indeed. Do let me rest a little-just a little; I can't take any more of the devilish stuff, now."
"Luigi ! Using such language here, and him just baptised ! Do you want the roof to fall on you?"
"I wish to goodness it would ! "
"Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion to—let that blanket alone; do you want your brother to catch his death? "
"Aunt Betsy, I 've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody could stand it— you could n't, yourself."
"Now, then, you 're sneezing again—I just expected it. "
"Because I 've caught a cold in my head.
"Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they could n't baptise him dry. I should think you would be willing to undergo a little inconvenience for your brother's sake."
"Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as anything to getting drowned—you saw that, yourself; and do you call this inconvenience?—the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for sleep and no chance to get any on account of this infamous medicine that that assassin prescri—"
"There, you 're sneezing again. I 'm going down and mix some more of this truck for you, dear."
9. CHAPTER IX.
DURING Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but then the doctor was summoned south to attend his mother's funeral and they got well in forty-eight hours. They appeared on the street on Friday, and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new-born parties, the Luigi and Angelo factions. The Luigi faction carried its strength into the Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination with the Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city government, and the Whigs put up Angelo against him. The Democrats nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in this glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists against such a formidable opponent. No politician had scored
The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm fashion, and waxed hotter every week. Luigi's whole heart was in it, and even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interest—which was natural, because he was not merely representing Whigism, a matter of no consequence to him, but he was representing something immensely finer and greater—to wit, Reform. In him was centred the hopes of the whole reform element of the town; he was the chosen and admired champion of every clique that had a pet reform of any sort or kind at heart. He was president of the great Teetotaller's Union, its chiefest prophet and mouthpiece.
But as the canvass went on, troubles began to spring up all around—troubles for the twins, and through them for all the parties and segments and fractions of parties. Whenever Luigi had possession of the legs, he carried Angelo to balls, rum shops, Sons of Liberty parades, horse races, campaign riots, and everywhere else that could damage him with his party and the church; and when it
Luigi had the final chance. The legs were his for the closing week of the canvas. He led his brother a fearful dance.
But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election. There was to be a grand turn-out of the Teetotaller's Union that day, and Angelo was to march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration afterward. Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whiskey—which steadied his nerves and clarified his mind, but made Angelo drunk. Everybody who saw the march, saw that the Champion of the Teetotallers was half seas over, and noted also that his brother, who made no hypocritical protensions to extra temperance virtues, was dignified and sober. This eloquent fact could not be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass. At the
This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way. It destroyed his chances with Rowena. Those chances had been growing, right along, for two months. Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him, but wanted time to consider. Now the tender dream was ended, and she told him so, the moment he was sober enough to understand. She said she would never marry a man who drank.
"But I don't drink," he pleaded.
"That is nothing to the point," she said, coldly, "you get drunk, and that is worse."
[There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here, which ended as reported in a previous note.]
10. CHAPTER X.
DAWSON S LANDING had a week of repose, after the election, and it needed it, for the frantic and variegated nightmare which had tormented it all through the preceding week had left it limp, haggard and exhausted at the end. It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs, and was in too subdued a condition to want to go out and mingle with an irritated community that had come to distrust and detest him because there was such a lack of harmony between his morals, which were confessedly excellent, and his methods of illustrating them, which were distinctly damnable.
The new city officers were sworn in on the following Monday—at least all but Luigi. There was a complication in his case. His election was conceded, but he could not sit
"Pudd'nhead was right, at the start—we ought to have hired the official half of that human phillipene to resign; but it's too late, now; some of us have n't got anything left to hire him with."
"Yes, we have," said another citizen, "we've got this "—and he produced a halter.
Many shouted, "That's the ticket." But others said, " No-Count Angelo is innocent; we must n't hang him."
"Who said anything about hanging him? We are only going to hang the other one."
"Then that is all right—there is no objection to that."
So they hanged Luigi. And so ends the history of "Those Extraordinary Twins."
The Comedy of Those Extraordinary Twins | ||