University of Virginia Library

6. CHAPTER VI.

"YES, so it is; and that went farther and
farther with all sorts of variations. My God!
when I remember all my cowardly acts and bad
deeds, I am frightened. And I remember that
'me' who, during that period, was still the butt
of his comrades' ridicule on account of his inno-
cence.

"And when I hear people talk of the gilded
youth, of the officers, of the Parisians, and all
these gentlemen, and myself, living wild lives at
the age of thirty, and who have on our con-
sciences hundreds of crimes toward women, ter-
rible and varied, when we enter a parlor or
a ball-room, washed, shaven, and perfumed, with
very white linen, in dress coats or in uniform,
as emblems of purity, oh, the disgust! There
will surely come a time, an epoch, when all these
lives and all this cowardice will be unveiled!

"So, nevertheless, I lived, until the age of

thirty, without abandoning for a minute my in-
tention of marrying, and building an elevated
conjugal life; and with this in view I watched
all young girls who might suit me. I was buried
in rottenness, and at the same time I looked for
virgins, whose purity was worthy of me! Many
of them were rejected: they did not seem to me
pure enough!

"Finally I found one that I considered on a
level with myself. She was one of two daugh-
ters of a landed proprietor of Penza, formerly
very rich and since ruined. To tell the truth,
without false modesty, they pursued me and
finally captured me. The mother (the father
was away) laid all sorts of traps, and one of
these, a trip in a boat, decided my future.

"I made up my mind at the end of the afore-
said trip one night, by moonlight, on our way
home, while I was sitting beside her. I admired
her slender body, whose charming shape was
moulded by a jersey, and her curling hair, and I
suddenly concluded that
this was she
. It seemed
to me on that beautiful evening that she under-
stood all that I thought and felt, and I thought
and felt the most elevating things.

"Really, it was only the jersey that was so be-
coming to her, and her curly hair, and also the
fact that I had spent the day beside her, and that
I desired a more intimate relation.

"I returned home enthusiastic, and I persuad-
ed myself that she realized the highest perfec-
tion, and that for that reason she was worthy to
be my wife, and the next day I made to her a
proposal of marriage.

"No, say what you will, we live in such an
abyss of falsehood, that, unless some event
strikes us a blow on the head, as in my case, we
cannot awaken. What confusion! Out of the
thousands of men who marry, not only among
us, but also among the people, scarcely will you
find a single one who has not previously married
at least ten times. (It is true that there now
exist, at least so I have heard, pure young peo-
ple who feel and know that this is not a joke,
but a serious matter. May God come to their
aid! But in my time there was not to be found
one such in a thousand.)

"And all know it, and pretend not to know it.

In all the novels are described down to the
smallest details the feelings of the characters,

the lakes and brambles around which they walk;
but, when it comes to describing their
great

love, not a word is breathed of what
He
, the in-
teresting character, has previously done, not a
word about his frequenting of disreputable
houses, or his association with nursery-maids,
cooks, and the wives of others.

"And if anything is said of these things, such

improper
novels are not allowed in the hands of
young girls. All men have the air of believing,
in presence of maidens, that these corrupt pleas-
ures, in which
everybody
takes part, do not ex-
ist, or exist only to a very small extent. They
pretend it so carefully that they succeed in con-
vincing themselves of it. As for the poor young
girls, they believe it quite seriously, just as my
poor wife believed it.

"I remember that, being already engaged, I
showed her my 'memoirs,' from which she could
learn more or less of my past, and especially my
last
liaison
, which she might perhaps have dis-
covered through the gossip of some third party.

It was for this last reason, for that matter, that
I felt the necessity of communicating these me-
moirs to her. I can still see her fright, her de-

spair, her bewilderment, when she had learned
and understood it. She was on the point of
breaking the engagement. What a lucky thing
it would have been for both of us!"

Posdnicheff was silent for a moment, and
then resumed:—

"After all, no! It is better that things hap-
pened as they did, better!" he cried. "It was a
good thing for me. Besides, it makes no differ-
ence. I was saying that in these cases it is the
poor young girls who are deceived. As for the
mothers, the mothers especially, informed by
their husbands, they know all, and, while pre-
tending to believe in the purity of the young
man, they act as if they did not believe in it.

"They know what bait must be held out to
people for themselves and their daughters. We
men sin through ignorance, and a determination
not to learn. As for the women, they know very
well that the noblest and most poetic love, as we
call it, depends, not on moral qualities, but on
the physical intimacy, and also on the manner
of doing the hair, and the color and shape.

"Ask an experienced coquette, who has under-
taken to seduce a man, which she would prefer,

—to be convicted, in presence of the man whom
she is engaged in conquering, of falsehood, per-
versity, cruelty, or to appear before him in an
ill-fitting dress, or a dress of an unbecoming
color. She will prefer the first alternative. She
knows very well that we simply lie when we talk
of our elevated sentiments, that we seek only the
possession of her body, and that because of that
we will forgive her every sort of baseness, but
will not forgive her a costume of an ugly shade,
without taste or fit.

"And these things she knows by reason,
where as the maiden knows them only by in-
stinct, like the animal. Hence these abominable
jerseys, these artificial humps on the back, these
bare shoulders, arms, and throats.

"Women, especially those who have passed
through the school of marriage, know very well
that conversations upon elevated subjects are
only conversations, and that man seeks and de-
sires the body and all that ornaments the body.

Consequently, they act accordingly? If we re-
ject conventional explanations, and view the life
of our upper and lower classes as it is, with all
its shamelessness, it is only a vast perversity.

You do not share this opinion? Permit me, I
am going to prove it to you (said he, interrupt-
ing me).

"You say that the women of our society live
for a different interest from that which actuates
fallen women. And I say no, and I am going
to prove it to you. If beings differ from one
another according to the purpose of their life,
according to their
inner life
, this will necessarily
be reflected also in their
outer life
, and their ex-
terior will be very different. Well, then, com-
pare the wretched, the despised, with the women
of the highest society: the same dresses, the
same fashions, the same perfumeries, the same
passion for jewelry, for brilliant and very ex-
pensive articles, the same amusements, dances,
music, and songs. The former attract by all
possible means; so do the latter. No difference,
none whatever!

"Yes, and I, too, was captivated by jerseys,
bustles, and curly hair.