CHAPTER FIVE
THE SPIRIT OF '75
LETTERS OF A MINUTE MAN
In the Manner of Ring Lardner
Well Ethen you will be surprised O. K. to
hear I & the wife took a little trip down to
Boston last wk. to a T. party & I guess you
are thinking we will be getting the swelt hed
over being ast to a T. party. In Boston.
Well Ethen if you think that why you will
be a 100 mi. offen the track because Ethen
I and Prudence aint the kind that gets a swelt
hed over being ast any wares like some of are
naybers up here when they are ast any wares
so you see Ethen even if we had been ast any
wares we wouldnt of had no swelt hed. On
acct of being ast any wares.
Well last Thurs. I and Prudence drove old
Bessy down to Boston Bessy is are horse see
Ethen which is about 13 mi. from here Boston
I mean Ethen as the crow flys only no crow
would ever fly to Boston if he could help it
because all the crows that ever flew to Boston
was shot by them lousie taverin keepers to
make meals out of Ethen I never tast it
nothing so rotten in my life as the meals they
give us there & the priceis would knock your
I out. 3 shillings for a peace of stake about
as big as your I, and 4 pence for a cup of coffy.
The streets aint the only thing about Boston
thats crook it. Them taverin keepers is crook
it to I mean see Ethen.
After supper I & her was walking a round
giving the town the double O when we seen
that Fanny Ewell Hall was all lit up like
Charley Davis on Sat. night & I says to Prudence
lets go inside I think its free and she
says I bet you knowed it was free al right befor
you ast me & sure enough it was free only
I hadnt knowed it before only I guess that
Prudence knows that when I say a thing it is
generally O. K. Well Fanny Ewell Hall was
pack jam full of people & we couldnt see
nothing because there was a cockide stiff
standing right in front of us & jumping up
& down & yelling No T. No T. at the top of
his lunges & Prudence says well why dont you
take coffy or milk & for Gods sake stay offen
my foot & he turns to her & says maddam do
you want T. & slavery & she says no coffy & a
hot dog just kidding him see Ethen & he says
maddam no T. shall ever land & she says no
but my husbend will in a bout 1 min. & I was
just going to plank him 1 when the door behint
us bust open & a lot of indyans come in
yelling every body down to Grifins worf there
is going to be a T. party only Ethen they
wasnt indyans at all but jest wite men drest
up to look like indyans & I says to a fello those
aint indyans & he say no how did you guess it
& I says because I have seen real indyans
many a time & he says to a nother fello say
Bill here is a man who says them aint real
indyans & the other fello says gosh I dont
believe it & they laffed only the laff was on them
Ethen because they wasnt real indyans & that
is only tipical of how you cant tell these Boston
swelt heds nothing & I guess if they had
ever seen a real indyan they would of known
better than to laff. Well I and Prudence
follered the crowd down to Grifins worf & them
indyans which was only wite men drest up
clumb onto a ship there & begun throwing
the cargo into Boston harber & I says to a fello
what is in them boxes & he says T. & I says
well why are they throwing it away & he says
because they do not want to pay the tacks
which is about as sensable Ethen if I was to
rite a lot of letters & then as fast as I rote 1 I
would tare it up because I did not want to pay
for a stamp. Well I says somebody ought to
catch he—ll for this & he says are you a torie
& I seen he was trying to kid me & I says no I
am a congregationalis & a loyal subject of
king Geo. Rex & he says o I thought you was
a torie & a lot of fellos who was with him give
him the laff because he hadnt been abel to kid
me. Well after a whiles he says the indyans
seem to be about threw & I says yes only they
sent indyans & the laff was on him again & he
seen it wasnt no use to try & kid me &
Prudence says come on lets beat it & on the way
home I says I bet them Boston birds will feel
small when they find out that those wasnt
indyans at all & she act it like she was mad
about something & says well they cant blame
you for not trying to tell them & its a wonder
you didnt hire Fanny Ewell Hall while you
was about it & I says o is it & I might know
youd get sore because I was the 1st to find out
about the indyans being wite men in disgised
& she says yes I suppose if somebody was to
paint stripes on a cow you would make a
speech about it & say that you had discovered
that it wasnt no tiger & I wish I had been 1 of
them indyans tonight because I would of
loved to of beened you with a Tommy Hawk
& I says o you would would you & she seen it
wasnt no use to argue with me & anyway
Ethen nobody would be fool enough to paint
stripes on a cow unless maybe they was born
in Boston. Well Ethen thats the way it goes
& when you do put one over on the wife they
want to hit you with a Tommy Hawk with
No matter what a married man does in this
world he gets in wrong & I suppose if I was
to die tonight Prudence would bawl me out
for not having let her know I was going to do
it & just because I joined the minit men the
other eve. she has been acting like as if I had
joined the Baptis Church & I bet you are saying
what in the h—ll is a minit man. Well
Ethen I will tell you. The other night I says
to Prudence I think I will drive over to Lexington
to get Bessy shodd. Bessy is are horse
see Ethen. Well she says you will do nothing
of the kind because all you want to do in Lexington
is get a snoot ful & if you think I am
going to wate up all night while you get boiled
well you have got another guess coming. She
says the last time you had Bessy shodd the
naybers are talking about it yet & I says do
you mean because I & Charley Davis was
singing & having a little fun & she says no
because nobody wouldnt call that singing & do
you call it a little fun when you brought Bessy
up stares with you to show me how well she
had been shodd at 3 A. M. in the morning
answer me that which is only her way of
exagerating things Ethen because we didnt bring
Bessy only as far as the stares & I only did it
because Charley had been drinking a little to
much & I didnt want to iritate him because
the way to handel drunks is to not iritate them
they are only worse only you cant tell a woman
that & they think the way to handel drunks is
to look him in the eye & say arent you ashamed
of yourselves which only iritates him the
moar. Well I says I am not going to half no
horse of mine going a round ½ shodd al the
time & Prudence says well I am not going to
half no husband of mine going a round ½
shot al the time & I says I will not go near
Charley Davis this time because I have lernt
my lesson & she says al right if you will promise
to not go near Charley Davis you can go
& when I got to Lexington I thought I would
stop in the taverin a min. just to say hulloh to
the boys because if a fello doesnt stop in the
taverin to say hulloh to the boys who are just
as good as he is they are lible to say he has a
swelt hed & is to proud to stop in the taverin
to say hulloh to the boys. Who are just as
good as he is. Well I didnt have any i dear
that Charley Davis would be there because I
had told Prudence I wasnt going to go near
him & just because I said that I cant be expect
it to sneek into toun like as if I was a convick
can I Ethen. Well the taverin was crowd it
& they had all got a good start & the long &
the short of it was that the 1st person I seen
was Charley Davis & he says hulloh there pink
whiskers you are just in time to join the minit
men which is only a nicked name he has for
me because my whiskers are red brown. No
I says I cannot join anything tonight fellos
because I must go right back home & he says
if you dont join the minit men now some day
you wont have no home to go home to & I
says what do you mean I wont have no home
to go home to & he says because the Brittish
are going to burn down all the homes of we
farmers because we will not sell them any
food but first you had better have a drink.
Well Ethen a fello dont like to be a sissey
about taking 1 drink does he & then I says
now fellos I must go home & then a couple of
more fellos come in & they said Ed you wont
go home till we have brought you a drink &
elect it you to the minit men will you & I said
no but I must go home right after that. Well
then we got to singing & we was going pretty
good & after a while I said now fellos I must
go home & Charley Davis says to me Ed before
you go I want to have you shake hands
with my friend Tom Duffy who is here from
Boston & he will tell you all about the minit
men & you can join tonight but look out or he
will drink you under the tabel because he is
the worst fish in Boston & I says sure only I
have got to be going home soon because you
remember what hapend last time & I would
like to see any body from Boston drink me
under the tabel & bet. you & I Ethen if that
fellow is a fish then my grandmother is the
prince of whales & let me tell you what happend.
After we had drank about 4 or 5 I seen
he was getting sort of wite & I says well Boston
lets settle down now to some good steady
drinking & he says listen & I says what & he
says listen & I says what & he says do you know
my wife & I says no & he says listen & I says
what & he says shes the best little woman in
the world & I says sure & he says what did you
say & I says when & he says you have insult it
my wife the best little woman in the world &
he begun to cry & we had only had a bout 1
qt & wouldnt that knock you for a cockide
gool Ethen, only I guess you arent surprised
knowing how much I can holt without feeling
any affects. Well I was feeling pretty good
on acct. of drinking the pride of Boston under
the tabel & not feeling any affects only I was
feeling good like a fello naturely feels & the
fellos kind of made a lot of fuss on acct. me
drinking him under the tabel so I couldnt very
well of gone home then & after a while Charley
Davis made a speech & well comed me
into the minit men & so I am a minit man
Ethen but I cant exackly explain it to you
until I see Charley again because he didnt
make it very clear that night. Well after a
while we woke the Boston fish up & we all
went home & I was feeling pretty good on
acct. it being such a nice night & all the stars
being out & etc. & when I got home I said
Prudence guess what hapend & she says I can
guess & I says Prudence I have been elect it
a minit man & she says well go on up stares
& sleep it off & I says sleep what off & she
says stop talking so loud do you want the
naybers to wake up & I says whos talking loud &
she says o go to bed & I says I am talking in
conversational tones & she says well you must
be conversing with somebody in Boston & I
says o you mean that little blond on Beecon
St. & Ethen she went a 1,000,000 mi. up in the
air & I seen it wasnt no use to try & tell her
that the reason I was feeling good was on
acct. having drank a Boston swelt hed to sleep
without feeling any affects & I bet the next
time I get a chanct I am going to get snooted
right because a fello gets blamed just as much
if he doesnt feel the affects as if he was
brought home in a stuper & I was just kidding
her about that blond on Beecon St. Some
women dont know when they are well off
Ethen & I bet that guy from Bostons Tom
Duffy I mean wife wishes she was in Prudences
shoes instead of her having married a
man what cant holt no more than a qt. without
being brought home in a stuper.
Well Ethen this is a funny world & when
I joined the minit men last mo. how was I to
know that they called them minit men because
they was lible to get shot any minit. & here I
am riteing to you in a tent outside Boston &
any minit a canon ball is lible to knock me for
a continental loop & my house has been burnt
& Prudence is up in Conk Cord with her sister
the one who married that short skate dum
bell Collins who has owed me 2 lbs. for a
yr. & ½ well Ethen it never ranes but it pores
& you can be glad you are liveing in a nice
quiet place like Philly.
Well the other night I and Prudence was
sound asleep when I heard some body banging
at the frt. door & I stuck my head out the
up stares window & I says who are you & he
says I am Paul Revear & I says well this is a
h—ll of a time to be wakeing a peaceiful man
out of their bed what do you want & he says
the Brittish are comeing & I says o are they
well this is the 19 of April not the 1st & I was
going down stares to plank him 1 but he had
rode away tow wards Lexington before I had
a chanct & as it turned out after words the
joke was on me O. K. Well who is it says
Prudence Charley Davis again because you
might as well come back to bed if it is & I says
no it was some Boston smart alick trying to
be funny & I guess they are soar down there
on acct. what hapened to their prize fish
up here last mo. & are trying to get even
do you know a Paul Revear & she says
yes there was a boy at school named Paul
Revear who was crazy about me was he
dark well Ethen if all the fellos she says
has been crazy about her was layed end
to end they would circum navygate the globe
twicet & I says no he was yello & that had
her stopt so we went back to sleep only I
couldn't help laffing over the way I had slipt
it across. About Revear being yello. Well
along a bout A. M. there was a lot of gun
firing tow wards Lexington & Prudence
grabed me & says whets the shooting for & I
says probably that fello Revear who was so
crazy a bout you has got funny oncet to oft ten
& it will teach them Boston doodes a lesson.
Well Ethen I was wrong for oncet & the firing
kept getting worse & I hitcht up old Bessy &
drove over to Lexington Bessy is are horse &
Ethen there was the h—ll to pay there because
the g—d d—m Brittish redcotes had marcht
nup from Boston & had fired on the Lexington
fellos & Charley Davis had been shot dead &
a lot of the other fellos was wooned it & they
said you had better get your wife to the h—ll
out of your house because the g—d d—m Brittish
redcotes are coming back & they will burn
everything along the rode the — I guess
you know what word goes there Ethen & I
was so d—m mad at those g—d d—m Brittish
redcotes on acct. shooting Charley Davis dead
that I said give me a gun & show me the —
who done it & they says no you had better get
your wife to a safe place to go to & then you
can come back because the — will be
along this way again the —. Well I
drove as fast as I could back to the farm &
somebody had already told Prudence what
had hapend & as soon as I drove into the yd.
she come out with my muskit & hand it it to
me & says dont you worry about me but you
kill every d—m redcote you can see & I says
the —s has killed Charley Davis & she
says I know it & here is all the bullits I could
find. Well when I got back to Lexington the
redcotes was just coming along & Ethen I
guess they wont forget that march back to
Boston for a little whiles & I guess I wont
either because the —s burnt down my
house & barn & Prudence is gone to stay with
her sister in Conk Cord & here I am camping
in a tent with a lot of other minit men on the
out skirts of Boston & there is a roomer a
round camp that to morrow we are going to
move over to Bunker Hill which is a good
name for a Boston Hill Ill say & Ethen if you
was to of told me a mo. ago that I would be
fighting to get Boston away from the Brittish
I would of planked you 1 because they could
of had Boston for all I cared. Well Ethen I
must go out and drill some more now & probably
we will half to listen to some Boston bird
makeing a speech they are great fellos for
speeches about down with Brittish tirrany &
give me liberty or give me death but if you
was to ast me Ethen I would say give me
back that house & barn what those lousie redcotes
burnt & when this excitement is all over
what I want to know is Ethen where do I get
off at.