University of Virginia Library

CHAPTER V.
THE MARRIAGE QUESTION.

Herbert Spencer's Definition of Love; What Constitutes a Suitable Husband; Best Age for Marriage; Shall Cousins Marry? Contraindications to Marriage; Do Reformed Profligates Make Good Husbands? the Proper Length of Time for the Engagement; the Right Time of the Year to Marry; the Selection of the Wedding Day.

Herbert Spencer's Definition of Love.--"Love is habitually spoken of as though it were a simple feeling, whereas it is the most compound, and therefore the most powerful, of all the feelings. Added to the purely physical elements of it, are first to be noticed those highly complex impressions produced by physical beauty; around which are aggregated a variety of pleasurable ideas, not themselves amatory, but which have an organized relation to the amatory feelings. With this there is united the complex sentiment we term affection--a sentiment which, as it can exist between those of the same sex, must be regarded as an independent sentiment, but one which is here greatly

exalted. Then there is the sentiment of admiration, respect, reverence, in itself one of considerable power, and which in this relation becomes in a high degree active. There comes next the feeling called the love of approbation. To be preferred above all the world, and that by the one admired above all others, is to have the love of approbation gratified in a degree passing every other experience, especially as there is added that indirect gratification of it which results from the preference being witnessed by others. Further, the allied emotion of self-esteem comes into play. To have succeeded in gaining such attachment from and sway over another is a proof of power which cannot fail to agreeably excite amour propre. Yet again, the proprietary feeling has its share in the general activity. There is the pleasure of possession, the two belonging to each other. Once more, the relation allows of an extended liberty of action. Toward each other a strained behavior is requisite. Around each there is a suitable boundary that may not be crossed; an individuality on which none may trespass. But in this case the barriers are thrown down, and the love of unrestrained activity is gratified. Finally, there is an exaltation of sympathies, egotistic pleasures of all kinds are doubled by another's sympathetic participation, and the pleasures of another are added to the egotistic pleasures. Thus around the physical feeling forming the nucleus of the whole, are gathered the feelings produced by personal beauty that constitutes simple attachments, of self-esteem, of property, of love of freedom, of sympathy. These, all greatly exalted and severally tending to reflect their excitements on one another, unite to form the mental state we call love. And as each of them is comprehensive of multidinous states of consciousness, we may say that this passion fans into immense aggregate most of the elementary excitations of which we are capable; and that hence results its irresistible power."

What Constitutes a Suitable Husband.--It is desirable that the husband shall be a few years older than the wife. Man is later in coming to maturity, and also retains his sexual powers considerably longer than woman; so that for these functions to cease about the same time, the wife must be younger than the husband. A difference of from two to five years is best; if the parties are young, it is not essential that the husband should be much the wife's senior, as it is later in life. The husband may be ten years older, but a greater disparity of age than this is rarely compatible with congeniality of tastes and dispositions, so essential to a happy married life. The woman who risks her happiness with a man many years younger than herself violates a precept of nature.

The average stature of the man is about three inches greater than that of the woman, and in the physiologic marriage any great deviation from this should be avoided.

The essentials for a happy marriage may be summed

up as follows: that the parties shall be of suitable age; that they shall be physically well mated and in full sympathy with each other's views of life, of the same social position, and of equal education.

The Best Age for Marriage.--The reproductive life begins with puberty, but maturity is not reached before the age of twenty-one. It is only then that the standard of development is reached that is most compatible with the successful bearing of the grave responsibilities of wifehood and motherhood. The too early exercise of the reproductive functions leads to increased suffering on the part of the mother, depresses her vitality, and increases her liability to disease. Statistics show that the mortality is very much greater where girls marry under twenty years of age.

The offspring are apt to be small and ill developed, and die in large numbers in early life; only a small percentage live long and robust lives. In France it has been observed that where the fear of conscription has caused many young people to marry the offspring were lacking in vigor. Among the offspring of immature parents there is a larger proportion of idiots, cripples, criminals, scrofulous, insane, and tubercular than among the children of nubile parents.

In our climate women are best fitted to become wives and mothers between the ages of twenty-four and twenty-eight years. Before this age neither their self-knowledge, their knowledge of the world, nor their experience is sufficiently mature to fit them to wisely

make the choice of a companion for life, or to become mothers. After forty, most women cannot hope for children. Men had better wait until between the ages of twenty-seven and thirty years, before they undertake the responsibilities of parenthood.

Shall Cousins Marry?--They might if both families were perfectly healthy; but as few families are without some lurking predisposition to disease, it is not well, as a rule, to run the risk of developing this by too repeated unions.

Contraindications to Marriage.--Young women in whose family there is a distinct history of such hereditary diseases as cancer, tuberculosis, or insanity for two generations back, should not marry at all. Not only is this a fearful legacy to hand down to their children, but pregnancy and child-bearing very decidedly favor the development of these diseases.

Syphilis in either sex is a distinct bar to marriage; first, the party married is sure to contract the disease, even though it may have been supposed to have been cured. Fortunately, the children of such marriages are generally still-born; still, they do sometimes live, and are most pitiable and sickly objects. For any one to marry under these conditions is a crime against society, against the State, and against posterity.

Women who have serious forms of heart disease, tuberculosis, or Bright's disease would, by becoming pregnant, run a serious risk of losing their lives toward the close of the pregnancy or at the time of their confinement.

In case of heart disease, the pulmonary congestion that accompanies pregnancy, together with the encroachment of the pregnant uterus on the cavity of the chest, would greatly add to the embarrassment of the heart's action.

In normal pregnancy there is some congestion of the kidneys; where there is actual disease of the kidneys prior to the pregnancy, this congestion is apt to become so severe as to threaten the woman's life. These organic diseases are not to be confounded with functional diseases which are dependent on some other cause; as palpitation of the heart due to indigestion, or heart murmurs dependent on the thin state of the blood, or congestion of the kidneys due to exposure to cold;--all of which may be cured by proper treatment.

Should a woman with a fibroid tumor marry, she would run a great risk to her life; she should have the tumor removed, or, if this is not possible, she should give up all thoughts of marriage, since the increased irritation and congestion consequent upon the marital relations would tend to favor its growth. Should pregnancy ensue, delivery might be attended with serious complications, as very difficult labor, postpartum hemorrhage, or, as these tumors have but little vitality, and the pressure to which they are subjected during labor is liable to cause their death, disorganization, sloughing, and, as a result, puerperal septicemia.

Sometimes there is such a lack of development of the

genital organs as to prevent the woman from having children.

Two persons with even a slight tendency to the same disease, either inherited or acquired, should not intermarry, even if they are in comparatively good health at the time. Their offspring would be quite sure to inherit their diseased tendencies.

Persons whose constitutions have been somewhat injured, but who are not tainted with actual disease, may rear children much healthier than themselves, provided their own lives are wisely regulated. If they are growing better all the time, and are not too much broken in constitution, it may be safe for them to marry.

Among the Jews the physician is frequently consulted before matrimonial alliances are contracted. This custom could not but be of universal benefit; many local or general diseases would be eradicated before marriage, and in this way much suffering and unhappiness would be spared; or, in other cases, the patient would be advised of the inadvisability of marriage.

Do Reformed Profligates Make Good Husbands?--The manner of life that has been led by this class of men is such as to undermine their health, if not to have rendered them physical wrecks. There is the overindulgence in alcoholic beverages, and perhaps, added to this, some drug habit. In addition to this, these men early in their career are apt to become infected with some of the venereal diseases, or perhaps with all of them--

gonorrhea, syphilis, and so forth; and these diseases have the horrible characteristics of becoming latent. A man who contracts this kind of a disease can never be really sure that he is cured. All venereal diseases are highly contagious.

It is now a well-established fact that gonnorrheal infection is not only one of the most common causes of pelvic inflammations in women, but that these same inflammations are of the most virulent types, unless they are recognized and treated in the early stages. It is also a well-known fact that a large percentage of married women suffer from this disease. Sterility almost always results.

In the case of a syphilitic parent, one or two children may be born, but the offspring is generally sickly and diseased. Inebriety as well as sexual excesses are both well recognized as distinct forms of disease accompanied by degeneracy of brain tissue. It is nothing less than criminal for such men to have children, since these children would at least inherit the tendency to the same diseases, if they did not actually have them; there is also a strong probability of such children being born idiots or imbeciles.

It is therefore self-evident that, instead of a reformed profligate making a good husband, he must make a very diseased one. It has therefore been suggested that the parents of the prospective bride should demand from the intended groom a certificate of freedom from all venereal diseases by a physician of their own selection.

Also that there should be legislation upon the subject, and that before a man is granted a license of marriage, he should have a certificate from the health officer of freedom from syphilis, gonorrhea, and tuberculosis.

The Proper Length of Time for the Engagement.--A period not shorter than three months, nor longer than one year, should elapse between the engagement and the marriage.

There are strong physiologic reasons against long engagements: they keep the affections and the passions in an excited and unnatural condition, which after a time tends to weaken the nervous system and undermine the health. These evil consequences are common to both sexes. It is far better that the subject of marriage should not be entertained at all unless the circumstances are such that the union might with propriety be effected at once.

The Right Time of the Year to Marry.--When woman marries she enters upon a new life, and a very trying one. Extreme heat and extreme cold are both very taxing to the human economy. Midsummer and midwinter are therefore both objectionable, but especially the former.

The Selection of the Wedding-day.--This is by common consent left to the bride. She should select a time about ten or fifteen days after the end of one of her menstrual periods, as this is the time of comparative sterility, and it is most desirable that the first sexual relations should be fruitless.