TO MASTER HUMPHREY.
“SIR,
“Before you proceed any further in your account of your
friends and what you say and do when you meet together, excuse me
if I proffer my claim to be elected to one of the vacant chairs in
that old room of yours. Don't reject me without full
consideration; for if you do, you will be sorry for it afterwards —
you will, upon my life.
“I enclose my card, sir, in this letter. I never was ashamed of my
name, and I never shall be. I am considered a devilish gentlemanly
fellow, and I act up to the character. If you want a reference,
ask any of the men at our club. Ask any fellow who goes there to
write his letters, what sort of conversation mine is. Ask him if
he thinks I have the sort of voice that will suit your deaf friend
and make him hear, if he can hear anything at all. Ask the
servants what they think of me. There's not a rascal among 'em,
sir, but will tremble to hear my name. That reminds me — don't you
say too much about that housekeeper of yours; it's a low subject,
damned low.
“I tell you what, sir. If you vote me into one of those empty
chairs, you'll have among you a man with a fund of gentlemanly
information that'll rather astonish you. I can let you into a few
anecdotes about some fine women of title, that are quite high life,
sir — the tiptop sort of thing. I know the name of every man who
has been out on an affair of honour within the last five-and-twenty
years; I know the private particulars of every cross and squabble
that has taken place upon the turf, at the gaming-table, or
elsewhere, during the whole of that time. I have been called the
gentlemanly chronicle. You may consider yourself a lucky dog; upon
my soul, you may congratulate yourself, though I say so.
“It's an uncommon good notion that of yours, not letting anybody
know where you live. I have tried it, but there has always been an
anxiety respecting me, which has found me out. Your deaf friend is
a cunning fellow to keep his name so close. I have tried that too,
but have always failed. I shall be proud to make his acquaintance
-tell him so, with my compliments.
“You must have been a queer fellow when you were a child,
confounded queer. It's odd, all that about the picture in your
first paper, — prosy, but told in a devilish gentlemanly sort of
way. In places like that I could come in with great effect with a
touch of life — Don't you feel that?
“I am anxiously waiting for your next paper to know whether your
friends live upon the premises, and at your expense, which I take
it for granted is the case. If I am right in this impression, I
know a charming fellow (an excellent companion and most delightful
company) who will be proud to join you. Some years ago he seconded
a great many prize-fighters, and once fought an amateur match
himself; since then he has driven several mails, broken at
different periods all the lamps on the right-hand side of Oxford-street, and six times carried away every bell-handle in Bloomsbury-square, besides turning off the gas in various thoroughfares. In
point of gentlemanliness he is unrivalled, and I should say that
next to myself he is of all men the best suited to your purpose.
“Expecting your reply,
“I am,
“ &c. &c.”
