University of Virginia Library

Scene I.

Banqueting-hall in the Palace of King Arthur, Pendragon Castle. The Round Table in foreground, with dessert, wine, &c. King Arthur in C., surrounded by his Knights. Sir Tristram at table O.P.; Sir Lionel on couch P.S. Servitors in attendance with goblets, &c. The whole scene as lively, picturesque, and convivial as possible.

Opening Chorus: Air, “Who's for Calais?”
Who's for a bumper? the glasses are ready now,
Fill to the brim with the liquor divine;
The table, that feels on its legs so unsteady now,
Still, like the king, can stand plenty of wine.
Laughing and chaffing and copiously quaffing,
From pleasures like these who on earth would refrain?
For Cupid's sad heartache that we from his dart take
There is not a balm like a glass of champagne.

[Rattle of applause on table.
King A.
Forsooth, a pleasant ditty!—Pale or red?
The pale, I think, Sir Lionel, you said.

[Sends round sherry by Page.
Sir L.
I rather think you knights are getting “fast;”
To this complexion I shall come at last.

[Page fills his goblet.
King A.
Come, gentlemen, get on—nay, never spare it;
I've in my cellar got some famous claret.
[Aloud]
John, Thomas, here—against all France I bet it—
We want some claret, [aside to Page]
but you needn't get it.
In the mean time here's port—just from the wood.

Sir L.
A “log” before it “makes its title good.”

King A.
Come, come, Sir Lionel, won't you join our sports?

Sir L.
I'm out of what's denominated “sorts.”
You really must excuse me—strange, but true—
I'm quite fatigued through having naught to do.

Sir T.
To cure ennui we on adventures go.

Sir L.
But peradventure there should be none—no!
The great art now, as modern statesmen view it,
Is, when there's aught to do, how not to do it.
I've seen enough of wonders, and want leisure.

King A.
Then perhaps you'll tell us what you've seen?

Sir L.
With pleasure!

[Sir Lionel advances to the front. The rest gather in groups around him.
Song: Air, “Unfortunate Miss Bailey.”
Sir. L.
Let others sing of heroes bold in war who have been victorious,
Of heroes who each year rose up till they were heroes glorious;
Of wondrous stories they had heard they gave you superfluities;
Now I'll sing of what I've seen myself, and then you'll know how true it is.

Chorus.
O, Sir Lionel! wonderful Sir Lionel!
No one ever wonders saw like wonderful Sir Lionel!

Sir L.
I've seen a man, though for the act no doubt he soon was sorrowing,
Who actually returned a new umbrella he'd been borrowing.
And once I saw a chap who thought our palace parliamentary
Would be completed—fancy that!—within the present century.

[Chorus:
O, Sir Lionel, &c.


I've seen a lady shopping, who—I stake my honour on it, sir—
Resisted all temptation in the shape of a new bonnet, sir;
And found a draper's shopman who of conscience had a particle,
And served without inquiring, “Now, marm, what is the next article?”

[Chorus:
O, Sir Lionel, &c.


Now, though it seems incredible, it's truth what I declare to ye—
I've seen the cabman who would charge no more than was his fare to ye;
I've had a house by contract built that wasn't very tottery,
And got the prize I raffled for once in a Margate lottery.

[Chorus:
O, Sir Lionel, &c.


Now this—the last that I shall tell—may make the city teachable—
I've seen a country gentleman whose word is unimpeachable,
Who says when in a hurry that he takes a cab incessantly
From Ludgate-hill to London-bridge, and gets along quite pleasantly.

[Chorus:
O, Sir Lionel, &c.

King A.
Remarkable indeed! Each verse so pat,
What shall we say, Sir Lionel, after that?

Sir L.
Than our old toast I cannot give a betterer—
Here's “May the present moment be—” et cetera.

King A.
Here's may the present moment—
[Enter Bruno.
Ha, you guffin!
You've spoilt our toast, you wretched rag o'muffin!

Bruno.
Pardon, my liege—my master waits without;
I pledge my word—

King A.
Enough! you needn't spout.

[Bruno ushers in Sir Agrovaine melodramatically mournful.
Sir T.
[aside]
Ha, Agrovaine! He here? This grows romantic.

Sir A.
Your pardon, friends—excuse my being frantic.

King A.
O, on no ceremony stand a bit.

Sir A.
I won't; so with your gracious leave I'll sit.
Just hear my story, and then judge my woe.
[Chairs arranged melodramatically in front.
It must be nearly eighteen years ago
Since first my child, to comfort future years,
Burst like a sunbeam on this vale of tears—

Sir L.
[aside]
He grows poetical—a fearful sign.

Sir A.
I need not say that sunbeam bright was mine.
I watched her infant form grow day by day—

Sir L.
[aside]
And whipped it very often, I dare say.

Sir A.
Saw with delight her youth to beauty grow—

Sir L.
Your story's plain enough. Of course we know
You had her photographed by some one who did
“This style—one shilling—frame and glass included.”

Sir A.
Alas, some villain, backed by wizard's strength,
Went in a “bust,” and took the whole full length;
And here I am to ask some cunning file
To free La Belle Isonde from durance vile.

Sir L.
[aside]
La Belle Isonde, who turned my head with glee.

Sir T.
[aside]
La Belle Isonde, on whom I turned the key.

Sir L.
[aside]
Whom I adore beyond all words can tell.

Sir T.
[aside]
On whom a door I bolted too as well.
I must conceal the interest I take.

Sir L.
[aside]
Upon this hint at rest my head I'll make.

King A.
Yours is a case, my friend, that's hard indeed;
Your long account of settling stands in need.
I don't fight now myself, that's very true;
But then I know some gentlemen who do.

Sir L.
Nay, seek no farther, but behold one here
In love and war alike a volunteer.

King A.
'Tis bravely said.

Sir L.
And shall be bravely done.
I like the fair, and don't dislike the fun.
No door shall keep her, if her dress but lies
Within the modern fashionable size.

Sir A.
It must be nearly eighteen years ago
Since first my child—

Sir L.
Of course, you told us so.
But where's the lady?

Sir A.
Fenced by magic spells,
Within the Castle Dolorous she dwells.

King A.
That castle's well known in this principality.

Sir L.
I hope they are not improving that locality;
For places with new streets and building-ground
Are not just now so easy to be found.

Sir A.
It must be nearly—

King A.
Ah, yes, that's about it.

Sir A.
Eighteen years ago.

Sir L.
I do not doubt it.
I shall astonish him as he deserves.

Sir T.
[aside]
Perhaps he won't astonish your weak nerves.

Sir L.
By laws of chivalry his head is forfeit.

Sir T.
[aside]
You first have got to take his body off it.

Sir L.
I'll dress his joints with sauce piquant.

Sir T.
Pshaw! Sirrah,
You may find sauce, but I'll supply a sorcerer.

Quartette and Chorus: Air, “Off she goes.”
Sir L.
Think no more of the danger run,
Consider it just the same as done;
In me you behold what some folks call
A nice young man for a party small.

King A.
I really don't like you to go at the price.

Sir T.
Here's an alarming sacrifice!

Sir L.
I'm warranted fast!

Sir T.
But the colours have ran
With all who've encountered this terrible man.

Chorus.
Off to the castle away he goes;
He can't mistake, if he follows his nose;
But only think of the danger ran,
With such a remarkably terrible man!

King A.
The thought of such valour expands my heart;
Take a bit of cold something before you start.

Sir T.
A taste of cold steel he will have if he go.

King A.
Wouldn't you rather? Don't say no.

Sir L.
As for your daughter, fear me not.

Sir A.
It must be nearly—

Sir L.
Never mind what.
The monster shall find that at last he's matched.

Sir T.
Don't reckon your chickens before they are hatched.

[Chorus:
Off to the castle, &c.

[At the termination of chorus King Arthur, Sir Lionel, and Sir Agrovaine retire up stage with the other Knights, whilst Sir Tristram goes off at side menacingly, when scene closes in upon group.