University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

A country landscape. A large inn, L., with practicable balcony. Above balcony a small window. The entrance to a cellar in view of the audience. Pipo, Pipa, Pipetta, with four male and four female cooks discovered preparing a feast.
Fal.
(taking off his beggar's dress)

Seize that fellow and hold him tight.

Car.
(seizing Pip.)

All right, Falscappa, I've got him!

Fal.

Now my man, answer my questions. I believe you expect,
shortly, the escort sent by our august sovereign, the Duke of Mantua, to
conduct his bride, the Princess of Grenada to the Ducal Palace?

Pip.

Quite true, sir—

Fal.

And moreover, you also expect the Princess and her suite, who
will pass the night at your inn. In short, the Princess and her escort are
to meet here?

Pip.

He knows all about it!

Fal.
(to brigands)

Take this person and shut him up with his wife and
daughter and servants in that cellar. (two brigands lead him away).

Now, gentlemen, you see my scheme. We shall assume the characters of
the Princess and her escort, and in twenty-four hours we shall be in the
Ducal Palace. The three millions will be handed over to us as a matter
of course.

Car.

There ought to be good pickings at the palace, besides snuff-boxes,
watches, pocket handkerchiefs!

Fal.

Ah! Now let us understand one another. Once for all, I won't
have anything of the kind. We shall be there in the capacities of
courtiers and men of rank, and if we are caught picking pockets, it will
be noticed.

Pie.

I see—to steal anything under three millions would be derogatory
to our position as gentlemen of rank.

Fal.

Exactly. Always rob according to your position in society. My
daughter will assist us, and she will thus atone for her weakness in
having allowed that young man to escape yesterday. Is that understood?

Fio.

Yes—on one condition—that if we are successful, I am allowed
to marry Fragoletto immediately.

Fal.

The first notary we come across shall draw up the contract.

Fra.

Good! mind, the very first! I'll manage it— (to Pie.)
you're
the notary—this is what we'll say to him.

Duett.—Fra. & Fio.
Ho, la! ho, la! good notary
Ah, pray you stop—a single moment stay.
However short your time may be,
A contract, please, you must draw up to-day!
Oh stay a single minute—
My purse has money in it.
Sit down and pray begin it—
Tarry here I pray!
Prit! prit! prit!
“Why, I pray, should I stay?
If I stay me, will you pay me?”
Sir, the pay, I should say,
Will content you anyway!
Prit! prit!

Cho.
Come, begin—on my life,
Nothing is so irritating
As to be kept long a-waiting
When about to take a wife!
The pay, sir—the pay, I should say,
Will content you, anyway.
Prit! Prit!

Fra. & Fio.
Write away, do, we both are quite ready,
Begin, begin, why make all this to do?
You'll find my/his back a table steady,
Begin—you've got your cue!
While you are busy writing,
Department uninviting,
This is what we'll do.
[noise of kisses.
Come, I say—quick, obey—
Why delay in beginning.
Come, I say—quick, obey—
Come, quick, make us happy to-day!

[noise of kisses.
The four Girls.
Begin, you've got your cue, &c.

Fra. & Fio.
Should he expect us to be paying,
(Which, I'm told, is the way of his race,
Little we'll heed what he is saying,
Loudly and gaily we'll laugh in his face.
If he wants to escape with an unimpaired noddle,
He'll waste no more time, but away he will toddle.
Ha! ha!

Cho.
Begin, you've got your cue, &c.

Fal.

Now then, to business. Fragoletto, go and see the innkeeper
and his servants in the cellar, and bring us their costumes.

Fra.

I go.

[exit into cellar.
Fal.

Carmagnola, post yourself on the road to Mantua, and let us
know when you see the people who are to escort the princess. You, Barbavano,
post yourself on the road to Grenada, and as soon as you see the
Princess and her retinue, let us know.

Car. & Bar.

We go!

[exeunt R. and L.
Cho.
We'll take care,
We'll beware,
We'll be sure to obey you—
We will work in the way you
May think proper to declare.

[Fio. and Brigands enter the inn.
Fal.
(to Pie.)

Why, what's the matter? you seem out of spirits.

Pie.

I was thinking of the good old days when robbery was an honest,
straightforward profession; when we contented ourselves with stopping
mail coaches and robbing the passengers. No low cunning about that;
all straightforward and above-board—but now that robbery is reduced to
a science, its altogether beyond me—I don't understand it.

Fal.

What are you referring to?

Pie.

This business you were speaking of—this dressing yourselves up
as somebody else, and passing yourself off as other people—its tricky—
its very tricky.

Fal.

Not at all, its the simplest thing in the world. In the first
place, we assume the character of these hotel people, in order to receive
the escort from Mantua. Having effected this, we confine them in their
tavern, and, assuming their characters, we receive the Princess and her
party, from Grenada. Lastly, we confine the Princess and her party, and
in their capacities we make the best of our way to Mantua, and collar
the three millions. Simplest thing in the world.

Pie.

Simplest thing in the world! (aside)
I don't know what he
means.

Enter Fragoletto from inn, with cook's dresses.
Fra.

The innkeeper and his people are in the wine-cellar, and our
comrades are dressing themselves in their clothes. Here are three
costumes for ourselves.

Fal.
(taking them.)

Good! Pietro, here's one for you— (to Fra.)
one
for you—and one for me. Now then—the white jacket—all at once.
Ready?

All.

Ready!

Fal.

One, two, three—go! (they all put on their jackets.)
Good!
Now, the aprons. (Fra. puts on his apron)
One, two, three—Go! (Fal. and Pie. put on the aprons—they then see that Fra. has been too quick for them.)

Come, I say, gentlemen, time, gentlemen, time! Now, the
nightcaps! Now, do, please, try and keep time with the night-caps.
One, two, three—go! Done; now all we want is a customer—I should
go up to him and I should say—

Song.
[Fal.]
Walk in—walk in—walk in, I pray you!
Walk in—walk in, your dinner we'll prepare!
We all are anxious to obey you,
Come read our bill—ample bill of fare.
And should our customer
Be of the female gender,
Why, then we'll welcome her
With accents low and tender.
Speaking thus,
All of us—
“Walk in, my pretty lady, do—
What madam, can we do for you?
What can we do?
What can we do?
What? what?”
“I seek an agreeable diet,
My strength to renew—
I want to lie down and be quiet,
An hour or two!”

Fra.
Pray walk you in—
Pray walk you in—
Your little meal you can begin.

All.
Pray walk you in, &c.

Pie.
Your favours we would gladly win—
So pray walk in—so pray walk in!
Our beds are of the softest feather—
If any body says to you
“Their cutlets are made of leather,”
On my word it is not true!

All.
It is not true!

Fal.
Madam if you doubt our cooking—

All.
Doubt our cooking
Critically at us looking
Will at once solve any doubt!

All.
Any doubt!
Any doubt!
Madam, if you doubt our cooking,
You don't—you don't know what you talk about

Fra.
Pray walk in and take your ease,
We will try to serve your ends
Pray walk in, and if you please,
Recommend us to your friends!

Pie.
'Tis I do the chopping—

Fra.
And I the carving

Fal.
Yes—and I and, the killing and halving!

All.
Madam, if you doubt our cooking,
Critically at us looking,
Will at once solve any doubt—
If you're wise—if your wise,
Try our stews and try our fries—
Try our lovely apple pies—
Try our apple pies!

Enter Carmagnola running, L. U. E.
Car.

Captain—the escort is in sight—they'll be here directly!

Fal.

What does it consist of?

Car.

There's a little fat nobleman—

Fal.

I know him—the minister of foreign affairs.

Car.

There's the captain of the carbineers—

Fal.

I know him—he's a very old acquaintance.

Car.

And six of his men, with two buglers.

Fal.

Good—here they come! Quick, Fragoletto, see if our men are
ready.

Fra.
, calling to people in the inn.
Prepare—prepare—
Get ready, there!
Ensemble.
Prepare—prepare—
Get ready there!

Enter from inn, Domino, Zerlina, Fiametta, Bianca, Cicinella, and Brigands, all dressed as cooks.
Cho.
Behold us here,
So have no fear—
Ourselves we've been preparing—
Observe, observe our bearing
And have no fear

Fal.

Very good—very good, indeed! Here comes the escort. Now, do
you remember that you are cooks. Don't forget that, for once in your
lives, you've a character to sustain.

Enter the Baron Campotasso, the Captain of Carbineers, Carbineers and two pages.
Bri.
Keep up the game—keep up the game—
Pray be cooks in deed as in name!

Compotasso
(looking at brigands).
For men, whose province is cooking,
They're most peculiar looking—
Pray tell me when, if you please,
Did you see such cooks as these?

Bri.
Keep up the game, &c.

Cam.
We are lords of the court—no less!
We were commanded by his highness,
“Go and receive my fair princess,
Better to overcome her shyness.”

Cap.
(proudly).
Commanded by his highness!

Cam.
Said the Prince to us two—us two—
“Baron,” said he, “you'll greatly charm me,
If you will kindly take with you
Some one to represent the army!

Cap.
(proudly).
I represent the army!

Fra.
He is the army!

Cam. & Cap.
Now you all know, from me—from me—
How our Prince pays his addresses,
How he despatched an embassy
To meet the fairest of princesses!

Cam.
Embassy such as this he's wise
To entrust to our commanding—
Wishing at once to please her eyes
And appeal to her understanding!

Cap.
And appeal to her understanding!

Cam.
“Show her,” said he, “my court, 'tis fit,
That she should know how grand its tone is—
So I will send a man of wit—
Backing him up with an Adonis!”

Cap.
I, sir, am the Adonis!

Cam.
He, sir, is the Adonis!

All.
What an Adonis!

Cam. & Cap.
Now you all know from me, &c.

Cho.
Now we all know from ye, &c.

Fal.
(to Cam.)

I presume, sir, that I have the honour of addressing—

Cam.

His Excellency Baron Campotasso? You have. And you are
Pipo?

Pie.

I am Pipo.

Brig.
(laughing)

Oh! yes; he's Pipo, sure enough.

Fal.
(to Cam.)

Make your mind easy on that score. Most certainly
he is Pipo.

Cap.

Oh! There seems to be no doubt about his identity.

Cam.

These are queer looking cooks. Are these culinary implements?
(pointing to daggers and pistols in their belts.)

Fal.

Yes; we use them in cooking geese. Besides, they say that
Falsacappa is in the neighbourhood.

Cap.

Falsacappa, indeed! Why, I cut him in two, last night.

Fal.

Eh?

Cap.

Fact; right across here!

Fal.

But are you sure you're not mistaken? because he was seen in
the neighbourhood this very morning.

Cap.

Mistaken? Well, of course, we're all liable to that. Of course,
when I say I cut him in two, I speak figuratively—I mean that, in my
mind's eye, cut him in two.

Fal.

Across here?

Cap.

Yes, just there.

Enter Barbavano.
Bar.
(aside to Fal.)

The Princess and suite are in sight, and will be
here in a few minutes.

Fal.

Oh, very good (to Cam.)
Here, you get in there.

Cam.
(indignant)

Sir!

Fal.

Get along in—no nonsense—come—

Cam.

This language, sir, is—

Fal.

I know, it's not the thing—but we've no time to stand on ceremony
—come, in you go.

Chorus of Brigands.
In you go,
Come, bustle, you know,
Don't be all day—don't be all day.

The Escort.
Come, I say,
Come, I say,
Do not push us, pray!

Brigands.
That's the way,

Escort.
Don't push us, pray.

Brigands.
Do not be all day!

[the Brigands push them into hotel and follow them.
Enter, R. U. E., Gloria Cassis, the Preceptor, the Princess of Grenada, her page Adolphe, four Lords, four Ladies, and four pages.—All have tambourines and castanets, with which they accompany themselves as they sing and dance.
Cho.
Grenada, Spain's most favoured city,
Oh, town of sad intriguing ways,
Since last we saw thee (more's the pity),
There have elapsed just fourteen days.

[dance,
Ado.
(to Prin.)
Though for a while we here together tarry,
To-morrow morning we must part.

Prin.
Yes, for a Royal Highness I must marry
Whom I detest with all my heart.

[dance.
Cho.
Grenada, Spain's most favoured, &c.

Glo.
(to Prin.)
Though, I own, by the course before you,
Another new country you gain,
Remember, I humbly implore you,
Your ancestors' country is Spain,
Though they'll teach you to love the new one,
(Well, well, of that I don't complain),
Don't forget, my brave and true one,
That the land of your birth is Spain!
Ah!
There are some who are Spaniards by birth,
There are some who are not Spaniards by birth,
We are all genuine Spaniards by birth,
Unlike people who are not Spaniards by birth.

Cho.
There are some, &c.

[dance.
Glo.
And, oh, when unexampled power,
In the course of events you gain,
Pray devote ev'ry single hour
To the good of your country, Spain.
Oh, give all the important places
To your countrymen, free from guile,
And if Mantua makes wry faces,
Why, Grenada will sweetly smile.
Ah!
There are some, &c.

Cho.
There are some, &c.

[dance.
Prin.

It was here, I believe that we were to have been received?

Glo.

Certainly, your highness.

Prin.

But the place seems deserted. This is impertinent neglect.

Ado.

It is simply infamous.

Pre.
(shouting)

Hi! within there! Is anybody at home?

Fal.
(within)

One moment, sir—one moment—

(Window is opened and Fal. appears on the balcony in the act of dressing himself. He wears the coat and cuirass of the Captain.
Fal.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to see you. What can I
do for you? But stop—perhaps you are the Grenada lot?

Prin.

The Grenada lot!

Glo.

This is the Princess of Granada, and we are her suite. And
you, I presume are one of the escort sent to conduct the Princess to the
Duke.

Fal.

Exactly, I am the Captain of the Duke of Mantua's Carbineers.
There is a lot of us, too. There are all my men, and there's the baron—
the baron—dear me, I always forget that baron's name.

Glo.

The Baron Campotasso.

Fal.

That's it and all his little pages—it's a beautiful sight (calling)

Hi, Baron—Baron— (to Glo.)
I beg your pardon—I never can remember
that Baron's name?

Glo.

Campotasso.

Fal.

Of course—much obliged (calls)
Campotasso!

[Window opens over balcony, Pie. appears dressing himself
Pie.

Now then—I'm Campotasso—what's the matter?

Fal.

Here's the Grenada lot—

Pie.

Nonsense!

Fal.

It is, honour!

Pie.

Indeed! I beg your pardon, Princess, I'll be down in one
moment.

[they both disappear
Pri.

This treatment is infamous.

Glo.

It's all of a piece, your highness. You've been sold like a bale
of goods, and you must expect to be treated like one. Two millions—
that was your price. But there are three millions still due, and they are
to be paid over to me, and if they fail—

Enter Falsacappa as Captain of Carbineers to the waist, below, as a brigand—his cuirass is wrong side before, and he has only one epaulette.
Fal.

Here I am, Princess!

Glo.

Why, what's this?

Fal.

Captain of the Duke of Mantua's Carbineers. I'll call my men.
Hi! fall in!

Enter the Brigands grotesquely dressed as Carbineers—all the uniforms are incomplete, and all wear breeches and stockings of brigands except Carmagnole, who has a jack-boot on his left leg.
Fal.

Neat turn out, isn't it?

Glo.

I dont agree with you—your uniforms are very incomplete.

Fal.

Light marching order, Princess. They are magnificent soldiers.
Should you like to see them execute a few movements? Now do.

Pri.

No, we should be sorry to trouble you.

Fal.

No trouble, ma'am. You shall see. Attention! (he draws his sword)

Draw swords!

[The Carbineers' swords are enormous. Car. and Bar. succeed with difficulty in drawing theirs. Dom., who is small, fails altogether.
Glo.

The little beggar can't do it.

Fal.

He's nervous—besides, he never can. Now then, if you'd like
to inspect us.

Prin.

Oh dear no—not at all.

Fal.

Attention! come—trot!

[The Carbineers, led by Fal., trot in single file round the Spaniards
Fal.

Halt! there—they shall do that again if you like.

Glo.

No—that will do.

Enter Pietro dressed in Compotassa's clothes to the waist
Fal.

Come, Baron, we've been waiting for you.

Pie.

Coming, sir, coming! What can I get for you—soup, fish,
steaks, filet de bœuf—

Fal.
(aside to Pie.)

You ass, what are you talking about?

Pie.

Why, if I'm a waiter I must talk like a waiter!

Fal.

But you're not a waiter now—that's all over.

Pie.

What the devil am I, then?

Fal.

Why, you're the Baron—the Baron— (to Glo.)
I forget this
Baron's name again.

Glo.

Campotasso.

Fal.

Of course. (to Pie.)
You're the Baron Campotasso, come to
escort the Princess.

Pie.

To be sure—how dull I am! (to Glo.)
I really beg your pardon
—but one moment I'm a cook, and the next I'm a baron—and I got
confused.

Prin.

A cook?

Fal.

Its a joke of his—about cabinet pudding—you understand—he's
a minister—in the cabinet—cabinet pudding. Don't mind him—its his
only one—he always lets it off. It won't occur again.

Prin.
(pityingly)

Poor fellow.

Glo.
(to Pie.)

Allow me to introduce the Princess's suite. I am the
Count Gloria Cassis, Grandee of Spain; this is Pablo, the Princess's
Preceptor; four lords, who are nobody in particular; Adolphe, of
Valladolid—

Prin.

My favourite page. He never leaves me.

Ado.

Never.

Prin. & Ado.
(together)

Never.

Pie.

Never?

Prin.

Never. Do you object?

Pie.

I? Bless your heart, my dear, it's no concern of mine!

Enter Fragoletto as inkeeper, Fiorella as Pipa, and four women as servants.
Fio.

Princess, your rooms are ready.

Prin.

Well, thank goodness, here are people who look like human
beings at last. Are you the master of this hotel?

Fra.

I am—and this is my intended. We are going to be married.

Prin.

How interesting—tell me all about it.

Song—Fio.
Indeed, I cannot tell you clearly
How in my bosom he found a place,
I felt that I loved him sincerely
When I set eyes on his dear little face.
Ah, well, people say, love is full of sweet surprises!
How can one say how love arises?
I loved, and I loved beyond measure—
Gazed on his face, and I thought, with a sigh,
Unless I could marry my treasure,
Life had no charm—I should certainly die.
Ah, well, &c.

Fal.

Princess, allow me to remind you that your rooms are ready.

Prin.

Very good—I hear you.

Fal.

I repeat, madam, they are ready.

Prin.

And I repeat that I hear you.

Fal.

Quite ready. Perhaps you would like to retire to rest?

Prin.

Certainly not—it is barely two o'clock. Who ever heard of
such a thing?

Fal.

I beg your pardon, I must obey my instructions, which say that
you are to go to bed as soon as you arrive, and in accordance with my
instructions, to bed you go.

Prin.

What audacity!

Glo., Ado.

Allow me to remind you, sir—/Upon my word, sir—

Fal.

Now, look here—once for all—trot—all of you—come!

Prin.

But—

Fal.
(to Brigands)

In with them, quick. Can't stand shilly-shallying
here all day.

Chorus of Brigands.
In you go,
Come, bustle, you know,
Don't be all day—don't be all day.

Spaniards.
Come, I say,
Come, I say,
Do not push us, pray.

Brigands.
That's the way.

Escort.
Don't push us, pray.

Brigands.
Do not be all day.

[the Brigands thrust them into the inn with violence.
Fal.

There, that's tact—that's all tact. In an hour they will be fast
asleep. Then, we lock their doors, having first removed their clothes,
and then—

Ensemble.

We, without pomp or martial show
Off to the Mantuan Court will go;
No trumpet sounding—no, nor drum.
We will receive, with humble thanks,
Something like three million francs.

Fal.
Pietro, mind the preceptor thou shalt be.

Pie.
Yes, to be sure!

Fal.
Yes, to be sure!
And you, my brave companions, the three lords,
The three lords supernumerary.

Car., Dom. & Bar.
Yes, to be sure!

Fal.
Yes, to be sure!

Car., Dom. & Bar.
We'll be particularly wary!

Fio.
And I?

Fal.
Of course, her Royal Highness.

Fra.
And I?

Fal.
Her pretty page in waiting!

Car., Dom. & Bar.
In waiting!

Fio.
I am her Royal Highness!

Fra.
And I'm her page in waiting!

Fio.
Pretty page in waiting!

Fra.
Princess, captivating!

Fio.
With a burning love—

Fra.
With a burning love—

Fio.
You must love me now.

Fra.
I will love thee now!

Car., Bar., Pie., Dom. & Fal.
How well they act!
How well they act!
We're losing time, and that's a fact.

All.
That's a fact,

Cho.
We, without pomp, &c.

[trumpets heard in the cellar, and hurrahs.
Fal.
(spoken)
The carbineers—I forgot all about them!

Glo.
(appearing at balcony)
What are these shouts rending the air?
What is the matter, pray, in there?

Pie.
Nothing, sir—only cheers—

Glo.
That, I know—for I have ears.

Pipo, in shirt sleeves, rushes from the cellar.
Pip.
Oh, help! oh, help! I sink with fear!

Fal.
(aside)
The devil take him—Pipo here!

Pip.
It is Falsacappa, oh, dear!

Glo.
(on balcony)
Falsacappa! Falsacappa!

[disappears.
Bar., Car. & Dom.
(to Pip.)
You'll be shot, my friend, if you're not mum!

Pip.
I'm dumb! I'm dumb! I'm dumb! I'm dumb!

Princess, Adolphe, Gloria, Preceptor and Spaniards come from the inn.
Span.
Falsacappa!
Who mentioned that terrible name? ha, ha!

Fal.
Your highness, why leave your room, so pleasant and charming?
Why leave—why leave your room to come out here?

Prin.
This terrible noise, it's alarming,
There's something wrong in there, I fear.

Span.
Somebody said “Falsacappa!”

Glo.
Say, have you seen Falsacappa?”

Fal.
Whoever said “Falsacappa?”

All.
Whoever said “Falsacappa?”

Fal.
Who mentioned him—pray show him.
Falsacappa! don't know him!
Don't know him at all,

Bri.
Don't know him at all!

Fal.
We don't know him at all, not at all, not at all, not at all.

Campotasso, half undressed, appears on the balcony.
Cam.
(indicating Fal.—spoken
There he is—I know him. Seize him!
He is the brigand chief!

Brigands enter from all sides, carrying carbines, with which Falsacappa and the others arm themselves. The Brigands are L., the Spaniards, R., Pipo is in the hands of the Brigands.
Fal.
(to Cam. on balcony)
I much prefer always to treat my pris'nors gently,
But as they kick, why evidently,
I must disarm them violently.
Yes, you've heard—yes, in truth you've heard my name!
Falsacappa, the same!
I'm Ernesto Falsacappa!
Collar those men—collar them, ha!

[Cam. disappears.
All.
Falsacappa!

[Spaniards kneel.
Fi.
Detain them prisoner,
So says Falsacappa—
And we will start upon
Our way to Mantua!

Bri.
Detain them, &c.

Fal.
Beware—beware!
Tremble, for my band I assemble,
Tremble!
Struggle and kick if you dare—

All.
Beware, &c.

Cam.
(re-appearing on balcony)
Tremble no more at this treacherous dealing,
For I have found, in the cellar concealing,
Soldiers whose trade is to fight such a foe,
And they will come to your succour I know.

Fal.
Then will we fight them here, ha! ha!
So take care! so take care!

All.
Then will we fight, &c.
Long live—long live Falsacappa?

Cam. comes from the inn with the carbineers, who are all drunk. They hold bottles in their hands.
Cam.
Here they are—here they are—here they are—here they are

[The Carbineers fraternise with the brigands.
Carbineers.
Yes, we are brave carbineers,
We'll finish your evil careers.

All.
(Brigands gaily, Spaniards sadly).
But it is most unfortunate,
That though you come to calm our/their fears,
Yet strange to state,
Yet strange to state,
Somehow you're always just too late.

Fal.
When they are tipsy, as you see,
They are as friendly as can be.

Bri.
Beware—beware,
Tremble, for in crowds we assemble, &c.

Span.
Beware—beware,
Tremble, for in crowds they assemble.

[Spaniards kneel—Tableau.