University of Virginia Library

THIRD TABLEAU.

March. Enter procession. First, two Pages, who place themselves on each side of the platform; then Rosencrantz and Ophelia; then Guildenstern and a Lady; then other Courtiers; then Polonius, backing before the King and Queen. The King sits, the Queen on his left, Ophelia on his right, Rosencrantz stands above her, Guildenstern and Polonius behind the King and Queen; the Courtiers right and left.
Q.
A fair good morrow to you, Rosencrantz.
How march the Royal revels?

Ros.

Lamely, madam, lamely, like a one-legged duck. The
Prince has discovered a strange play. He hath called it, “A
Right Reckoning Long Delayed.”

Cl.

And of what fashion is the Prince's play?

Ros.

'Tis an excellent poor tragedy, my lord—a thing of
shreds and patches welded into a form that hath mass without
consistency, like an ill-built villa.

Q.
But, sir, you should have used your best endeavours
To wean his phantasy from such a play.

Ros.

Madam, I did, and with some success, for he now seeth
the absurdity of its tragical catastrophes, and laughs at it as
freely as we do. So, albeit the poor author had hoped to have
drawn tears of sympathy, the Prince has resolved to present it
as a piece of pompous folly intended to excite no loftier emotion
than laughter and surprise. Here comes the Royal Tragedian
with his troop.

Enter Hamlet and Players.
Ham.

Good morrow, sir. This is our company of players.
They have come to town to do honour and add completeness
to our revels.

Cl.
Good sirs, we welcome you to Elsinore.
Prepare you now—we are agog to taste
The intellectual treat in store for us.

Ham.

We are ready, sir. But, before we begin, I would speak
a word to you who are to play this piece. I have chosen this
play in the face of sturdy opposition from my well-esteemed
friends, who were for playing a piece with less bombastick fury

and more frolick. (Addressing King.)
But I have thought this
a fit play to be presented by reason of that very pedantical
bombast and windy obtrusive rhetorick that they do rightly
despise. For I hold that there is no such antick fellow as your
bombastical hero who doth so earnestly spout forth his folly as
to make his hearers believe that he is unconscious of all incongruity;
whereas, he who doth so mark, label, and underscore
his antick speeches as to show that he is alive to their absurdity
seemeth to utter them under protest, and to take part with his
audience against himself. (Turning to Players.)
For which
reason, I pray you, let there be no huge red noses, nor extravagant
monstrous wigs, nor coarse men garbed as women, in this
comi-tragedy; for such things are as much as to say, “I am a
comick fellow—I pray you laugh at me, and hold what I say
to be cleverly ridiculous.” Such labelling of humour is an
impertinence to your audience, for it seemeth to imply that they
are unable to recognize a joke unless it be pointed out to them.
I pray you avoid it.

[Slight applause, which Hamlet acknowledges.
First Player.

Sir, we are beholden to you for your good
counsels. But we would urge upon your consideration that we
are accomplished players, who have spent many years in learning
our profession; and we would venture to suggest that it
would better befit your lordship to confine yourself to such
matters as your lordship may be likely to understand. We, on
our part, may have our own ideas as to the duties of heirs-apparent;
but it would ill become us to air them before your
lordship, who may be reasonably supposed to understand such
matters more perfectly than your very humble servants.

[All applaud vigorously. Hamlet about to explode in anger. King interrupts him. Hamlet thinks better of it, and angrily beckons Players to follow him. He and they exeunt.
Cl.
Come, let us take our places. Gather round
That all may see this fooling. Here's a chair
In which I shall find room to roll about
When laughter takes possession of my soul.
Now we are ready.

Enter on platform a Loving Couple. Applause.
She.
Shouldst thou prove faithless?

He.
If I do
Then let the world forget to woo (kneeling),

The mountaintops bow down in fears,
The midday sun dissolve in tears,
And outraged nature, pale and bent,
Fall prostrate in bewilderment!

[All titter through this—breaking into a laugh at the end, the King enjoying it more than any one.
Oph.

Truly, sir, I hope he will prove faithful, lest we should
all be involved in this catastrophe!

Cl.
(laughing).

Much, indeed, depends upon his constancy.
I am sure he hath all our prayers, gentlemen! [To Rosencrantz.)
Is this play well known?

Ros.
(advancing.)

It is not, my lord.

[Turns back to Ophelia.
Cl.
Ha! I seem to have met with these lines before.
Go on.

She.
Hark, dost thou hear those trumpets and those drums?
Thy hated rival, stern Gonzago, comes!

[Exeunt Loving Couple. Laughter, as before.
Q.

And wherefore cometh Gonzago?

Ros.

He cometh here to woo!

Q.

Cannot he woo without an orchestra at his elbow? A
fico for such a wooing, say I!

Cl.
(rather alarmed—aside to Rosencrantz).

Who is Gonzago?

Ros.

He's a mad Archbishop of Elsinore. 'Tis a most
ridiculous and mirthful character—and the more so for that the
poor author had hoped to have appalled you with his tragedical
end!

[Returns to Ophelia.
[During this the King has shown that he has recognized his tragedy. He is horrified at the discovery.
Enter Hamlet, as Archbishop, with a robe and mitre. All laugh and applaud except the King, who is miserable.
Ham.
Free from the cares of Church and State
I come to wreak my love and hate.
Love whirls me to the lofty skies—
Hate drags me where dark Pluto lies!

[All laugh except King.
Q.

Marry, but he must have a nice time of it between them!
Oh, sir, this passeth the bounds of ridicule, and to think that
these lines were to have drawn our tears!

Oph.

Truly mine eyes run with tears, but they are begotten
of laughter!

Ham.

Gently, gently. Spare your ridicule, lest you have
none left for the later scenes. The tragedy is full of such

windy fooling. You shall hear more anon. There are five
acts of this!

(All groan.)
(Resumes)

Ros.
(exhausted with laughter).

Oh, my lord—I pray you end
this, or I shall die with laughter!

Q.
(ditto).

Did mortal ever hear such metrical folly! Stop
it, my good lord, or I shall assuredly do myself some injury.

Oph.
(ditto).

Oh, sir—prythee have mercy on us—we have
laughed till we can laugh no more!

Ham.

The drollest scene is coming now. Listen.

Cl.
(rises).
Stop!
[All start.
Stop, I say—cast off those mummeries!
Come hither, Hamlet!

Ham.
(takes off robes).
Why, what ails you, sir?

Cl.
(with suppressed fury).
Know'st thou who wrote this play?

Ham.
Not I, indeed.
Nor do I care to know!

Cl.
I wrote this play—
To mention it is death, by Denmark's law!

Q.
(kneeling).
Oh, spare him, for he is thine only child!

Cl.
No—I have two (Queen horrified.)
—my son—my play—both worthless!
Both shall together perish!

[Draws dagger; Queen endeavours to restrain him.
Ham.
(on his knees).
Hold thine hand!
I can't bear death—I'm a philosopher!

Cl.
That's true. But how shall we dispose of him?

[All puzzled.
Oph.
(suddenly).
A thought!
There is a certain isle beyond the sea
Where dwell a cultured race—compared with whom
We are but poor brain-blind barbarians;
'Tis known as Engle-land. Oh, send him there!
If but the half I've heard of them be true
They will enshrine him on their great good hearts,
And men will rise or sink in good esteem
According as they worship him, or slight him!

Cl.
Well, we're dull dogs in Denmark. It may be
That we've misjudged him. If such race there be—
(There may be—I am not a well-read man)
They're welcome to his philosophic brain—
So, Hamlet, get thee gone—and don't come back again!

[Claudius crosses to R. Hamlet, who is delighted at the suggestion, crosses to Queen and embraces her. He then embraces Ophelia, who receives his kiss with marked coldness. Then he turns up on to platform, and strikes an attitude, exclaiming, “To Engle-land!” At the same moment Rosencrantz embraces Ophelia. Picture.