University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

Scene First.

—Hall of Audience in the Palace of the Emperor Matapa—Large gates—The Emperor discovered seated on his Throne, attended by his Court, Chamberlain, Officers, and Guard—The Princess Volante and her attendant Ladies.
Emp.
Daughter, we're dull—we've got the devils blue!
Dance and amuse us, as you ought to do!
(Volante dances)
Enough, we're sleepy—sing, and let your numbers
Wrap our imperial soul in gentle slumbers!

Chorus—“Away with Melancholy”—(only a few bars) sung discordantly, which are interrupted by Emperor.
Emp.
Silence—odds bobs, unless you'll all be swinging.

Cham.
Great sir—you bade us sing—

Emp.
D'ye call that singing?
It may be for the million!—hurly-burling!
I wouldn't hear it for a million sterling!
So peace! or by the hangman's shears bereft
You shall not have an ear for music left.

Cham.
Great sir, your servants tremble and obey.

Emp.
They'd better!
Enter Officer.
Well, what have you got to say?

Off.
Most mighty Emperor—King Alfourite—

Emp.
Ha! what of him? Does he again shew fight?

Off.
An envoy from his court has just arrived,
Who craves an audience.

Emp.
Is the fool nine-lived,
That thus he ventures into our dominions?

Cham.
Perhaps—

Emp.
Perhaps!—who asked for your opinions?
Go, hang the fellow instantly—
(Officer going)
No—stay!
(Officer returns)
We fain would hear what he has got to say,
Which, if we hang him first, he cannot tell.
Let him approach!—after will do as well.
Music—Enter Fortunio with his seven Servants.
Now speak, young shaver—what's the news with thee?

For.
Thus, after greeting, speaks my King by me—
To you, who've borrow'd all his treasure—

Emp.
Borrow'd!

Cham.
A strange beginning!

Emp.
Don't you be so forrard!
Go on, young gentleman, you shall be heard.
Borrow'd, I think you said.

For.
That was my word.
I thought it not polite to use a stronger.
His Majesty can't do without it longer,
And therefore sends me, in a civil way,
To tell you he must have it back to-day!

Emp.
What follows if we disallow of this?

For.
His Majesty will take it much amiss.

Emp.
On this fool's errand have you come alone?

For.
I've seven servants with me, of my own.

(all the Servants bow)
Emp.
You are a pleasant man for a small party!
Our wrath is smothered by our laughter hearty.
General laugh—Emperor checks them; laughs—they again echo him.
My Lord Ambassador, you've had your jest,
'Tis now our turn—we grant your small request,
On one condition—find, within this hour,
A man who, for his breakfast, shall devour
All the new bread baked in this town to-day.

For.
Agreed. (aside)
Here's luck!

Emp.
Do you know what you say?

For.
Most perfectly.

Emp.
Oh, very well, we'll see.
Take heed; if but a crumb uneaten be,
Into a red-hot oven I will thrust ye,
And bake ye all, alive!

For.
How very crusty!

Emp.
(to Officer)
Go, pile the bread up in the Palace-court;
Here, from our throne, we will behold the sport.

(Exit Officer with some Guards—the Emperor retires up, with his suite)
For.
Well, I am pretty easy on this head.
Gormand (Gormand advances)
, I hope you haven't breakfasted.

Gor.
Why, sir, I ate a round of beef at ten,
But haven't made a meal I don't know when.

For.
Can you eat all the new bread in this city?

Gor.
Lord! If I couldn't, sir, 'twould be a pity—
And all the stale besides, just to complete it.
The job's to get one's bread, sir, not to eat it.

For.
You're sure?

Gor.
Don't be alarmed, sir, it's all right;
A round of beef just whets my appetite.

For.
I joy to hear you say so. I declare
Bread's rising very fast in yonder square.

Gor.
'Twill fall much faster, sir, when I fall on it.

For.
I hope so, for our lives depend upon it.
(looking out)
They're bringing rolls and twists—all smoking hot.

Gor.
They can't bring such a twist as I have got.

(the Chamberlain advances)
The celebrated Duet, “Tell me where is Fancy Bread.”
Arranged for Three Voices, by an Irish Composer.
Fortunio, Chamberlain, and Gormand.
Cham., For.
Tell me, tell me,
Tell me, tell me,
New, dy'e fancy bread?
Smoking hot, from oven red—
Or prefer you stale instead?
Reply, reply, reply.

Gor.
'Tis all the same, sir, in my eye—
On both I've fed, and fancy size
In the loaf is all I prize.

Cham., For.
'Tis all the same, sir, in his eye, &c.

All.
Let them bring all the stale as well,
I'll/He'll Go at it, ding, dong, bell!

The gates at the back are opened, and several enormous piles of loaves are seen in the court-yard, on a large table or platform.
Emp.
There is the bread—now where's your man?

For.
He's here.

Emp.
Why, fellow, can you all that table clear?

Gor.
I'll do my best your Majesty to please,
But if you would just add—

Emp.
Ha!

Gor.
A little cheese.

Emp.
Dost mock us, villain? Eat all that, or die!

Gor.
Oh, sir, it's quite a pleasure to comply.

(music—Gormand devours the bread)
Chorus—Emperor and Courtiers—(Corelli)

Fortunio and Servants
.
Down he crams 'em, smoking hot,
What a famous twist he's got!

(During this chorus Gormand demolishes all the heaps of bread)
Off.
There's not a crumb left! will you please examine?

Emp.
Confound the cormorant, he'd breed a famine.

For.
Bravo, dear Gormand, well may it be said
That you have proved yourself a thorough-bred!

Gor.
I should have had the cheese, sir, I declare;
The last batch was light-weight—and that's not fair.

For.
Now, great Matapa, I your promise claim—
Restore the treasure—

Emp.
No!

For. and Servants.
Oh fie, for shame!
A monarch pledge his word—and not stick to it?

Emp.
Why, who the deuce had dreamed that he could do it!

For.
Yet you'd have baked us had he chanced to fail;
Oh, sir, your Justice bears a sliding scale!

Emp.
I was but joking—

For.
Sir, a bet's a bet,
I'll ask the Jockey Club—

Emp.
One moment yet—
Find me a man can drink up all the water,
And one who in a race can beat my daughter;
And to restore your royal master's treasure,
We'll make a point—of full imperial measure!
We swear!

For.
By what?

Emp.
The Great Bear—whose relation
We have the honour to be.

For.
A declaration
No one can doubt who knows your Majesty;
You are as like a great bear as can be!

Emp.
By our celestial brother, Ursa Major,
We swear this time that if we lose our wager,
We'll pay!

For.
Be witness all, then; 'tis a bet!
Tippler!— (Tippler advances)
—Your whistle if you'd like to wet,
There's a canal, five fountains, and a tank
To drain—

Tip.
With pleasure, sir; but when I've drank
The water, I shall finish with the wine.

Emp.
(aside)
Eh, zounds! if that's the case, he'll finish mine!
My choice old port!—my fine Duff Gordon sherry!
An awkward customer this fellow—very!
(Tippler going)
(aloud)
Hold! this condition we will not exact.
We had forgotten an important fact!
Our doctors here, despising drug and pill,
Cure by cold water every mortal ill!
And should this man possess such powers of suction,
His faculty would doom ours to destruction!
Therefore, my Lord Ambassador, we think
We'd better drop this question of the drink;
And 'stead of losing all the running water,
Just stand to win upon our running daughter!

For.
Content—will't please you name the time and place.

Emp.
The Orange Walk—in half-an-hour—

For.
The race—
P.P.?

Emp.
Of course, P.P.

For.
Sweepstakes—off-sweeping
All the King's plates and gold cups in your keeping.

Flourish and march—Exeunt Emperor and Fortunio, with their trains.

Scene Second.

—Another Apartment in the Palace.
Enter Fortunio and his seven Servants.
For.
Lightfoot, I need not tell you 'tis your part
To beat the Princess.

Light.
Give me a fair start—
I'll beat the arrow from friend Marksman's bow.

For.
You'll want a proper dress to run in though.
(stamps—the trunk rises—giving him the key)
Look in the trunk,—you'll find one, I dare say.

Light.
The very thing. (pulling out a scarlet jacket and hose)
Your lordship's colours, pray—

For.
Go hence and dress, for you've no time to waste.

Light.
Sir, if I can make anything, 'tis haste.

(Exit)
Fine.
Sir, may we crave a word?

For.
I'm all attention.

Boist.
Lightfoot has hit upon a rare invention.

For.
What is't?

Fine.
A flying steam coach!

For.
Ha!—indeed!

Strong.
Built on a principle that must succeed.

Marks.
Just like a bird—with body, wings, and tail.

Tip.
Or like a fish—

For.
Aye—very like a whale.

Marks.
You think we're joking, sir.

For.
In truth I do.

Gor.
Sir, it's in print—

For.
Oh—then it must be true,
Or else I should have said, with all humility,
'Twas flying in the face of probability.

Strong.
We've formed a joint-stock company.

For.
So, so.

Strong.
Boisterer can puff off anything, you know.

Boist.
And Strongback carries on the whole affair,
And all the onus will with pleasure bear.

Fine.
Marksman will see the way clear through the sky.

Marks.
And Fine-ear tell folks when the coach is nigh.

For.
Gormand and Tippler?

Strong.
Why, sir, we all think,
As they can nothing do but eat and drink,
They ought to be directors, and together
Meet upon board days, and discuss the weather.

For.
I fear your scheme will end in smoke.

Fine.
Aye, so
I heard them say of gas some years ago.

For.
Song—Fortunio—Air—“March, March.”

(Exeunt)

Scene Third.

—A Long Walk lined with orange-trees—The winning post and the Judge's chair, with a bell above it— A set piece crosses the stage, over which the runners pass and descend out of view; beyond, the course is continued in perspective, and the figures pass rapidly along grooves up and down.
Enter the Emperor, leading the Princess Volante, attired for the race, and followed by the Emperor's Court, Lord Chamberlain, Officers, Guards, &c.—Fortunio, with Lightfoot, attired for the race, and followed by the other six Servants.
Emp.
This is the spot, the centre of the grove,
Here stands the winning post. In yon alcove
The judge's chair, where seated I shall be.
The daughter to Matapa here you see,
Fresh as a four-year old—of matchless speed.

For.
Her make and beauty nothing can exceed.

Vol.
Yonder is my antagonist no doubt.

For.
Fortunio names Lightfoot.

Vol.
Trot him out!
(Lightfoot advances and bows)
A scarlet runner, by his legs—

Light.
Alack,
Red legs are rarer on the turf than black.

Emp.
Come! clear the course.
(bell rings)
Fair daughter, what d'ye say
To some of our imperial Tokay
Before you start?

Vol.
A glass I'll not decline,
To run a race nought helps like racy wine!

Emp.
Some Tokay for her Highness.

Light.
And for me.

Emp.
For thee!

Vol.
It is but fair.

Emp.
So let it be!
Give him a bumper! Harkye!

To Page and whispers—Page bows and goes out—returns with goblet which he hands to Lightfoot.
For.
I misdoubt!
They'll doctor him! (to Lightfoot)
Take care what you're about.

Emp.
Our Chamberlain shall start you when you're ready.

Vol.
Come on then—

Light.
(aside)
Well that stuff is rather heady!
(aloud)
Where do we start from?

Vol.
Yonder in the hollow.

Light.
Then lead the way.

Vol.
And keep it?

Light.
That don't follow!

For.
Now, Lightfoot, mind you run for your existence!

Emp.
Once round the course, remember, and a distance.

Music—The Emperor takes his seat in the Judge's chair— Bell rings—Chamberlain stands on the ridge and drops a flag—Volante and Lightfoot ascend the slope at the back of the stage and disappear behind it.
All.
They're off! they're off!

Off.
I'll bet a thousand to one
'Gainst Lightfoot.

For.
Sir, I take you.

Off.
Done, sir.

For.
Done.

Volante and Lightfoot re-appear running, Volante rather in advance.
Cham.
The Princess makes the running.

Emp.
All my own is.

Cham.
Six to four on her Highness.

For.
Done, in ponies.

(Exeunt Volante and Lightfoot)
Marks.
Lightfoot is holding in.

Tip.
A pretty race!

All.
Lightfoot is beaten!

Cham.
He can't live the pace.

For.
They're out of sight.

Emp.
And will be so, until
They reach the walk a-top of yonder hill;
But as my daughter runs five miles a minute,
It won't be long before you see her in it.

Bell rings as the figure of Princess is seen at the top of the hill.
Off.
And there she is—

For.
Alone, as I'm a sinner!

Emp.
Hurrah! I'll bet my crown I'll name the winner.

Cham.
No takers.

The figure descends the hill rapidly, and disappears behind the rise of the stage.
For.
Where on earth can Lightfoot be?
Listen, good Fine-ear; Marksman, haste and see.

Fine.
Where'er he is, he's fast asleep, for I
Can hear him snore.

Marks.
Ha! there the rogue I spy,
Stretched out beneath a tree, full three miles off.

For.
Of all the empire I shall be the scoff!
Our lives are forfeit, too! Asleep! plague take him!

Marks.
Nay, don't despair, good master, this shall wake him. (lets fly an arrow)


For.
What have you done?

Marks.
(looking out)
Just touched his ear, I vow.
He's up and off.

The figure of Lightfoot appears at the top of the hill, and descends with incredible swiftness, disappearing behind the rise in the stage.
For.
He comes! He'll beat her now!

Princess appears on the ridge of the stage, closely followed by Lightfoot.
Courtiers.
Blue! Blue wins easy!

For. and his Men.
(as Lightfoot appears)
Scarlet, go it, Scarlet!

Emp.
Volante!

Lightfoot bounds by Princess and passes the post.
For. and his Men.
Lightfoot! Lightfoot!

Emp.
(coming out of the chair)
Curse the varlet!

For.
Won in a canter.

Emp.
Scarlet?—I'm done brown!

For.
Take care again, sir, how you bet your crown.

Gor.
The knowing ones are done this time, I say.

Tip.
There'll be long faces upon settling day.

For.
O Lightfoot, what a time to sleep you chose!

Light.
I felt so drowsy, I laid down to doze,
Thinking by sleep refreshed to run the quicker!
I ne'er was overtaken, save by liquor!

For.
It was a narrow 'scape for me, 'tis clear.

Light.
Mine was an arrow 'scape, sir! just look here.

(shews Marksman's arrow sticking in his ear)
For.
Your Majesty no longer can refuse.

Emp.
Our Majesty can do whate'er we choose.
But 'tis a debt of honour, we admit;
And therefore we to pay it do think fit.
But in our Court no longer shall you tarry;
So as much treasure as one man can carry
We do permit you from our stores to bear.

For.
One man?

Emp.
We've said it. Take more if you dare!

For.
I humbly take my leave.

Emp.
You shew your sense.

For.
Strongback, you hear the Emperor's order.

Emp.
Hence!
(to Chamberlain)
You, sir, look after them and see it done.

Strong
(to Fortunio)
I'll carry, sir, enough for any one.

(music—Exeunt Fortunio and Attendants, with Chamberlain)
Vol.
I'm so provoked, papa, that I could cry;
At Tattersall's the favourite was I.

Emp.
I'm so enraged, Volante, I could roar!
I never knew you be behind before.

Vol.
Beneath a tree, asleep I left him, fast;
How could he manage to be first at last?

Enter Chamberlain, hastily.
Cham.
Where is the Emperor? Oh, sire, sire, sire!

Emp.
Now what's the matter? Is the town on fire?

Cham.
No, sire, but all your palace sacked and plundered
Of gold and silver statues full five hundred—
The costly mirrors and the massive plate—
The jewelled harness and the coach of state—
Treasure untold, in bullion, bars, and cash—
All by one man are carried off—slap-dash!

Emp.
All by one man? Impossible! No, no!

Cham.
Let me endure your wrath if 'tis not so.
I saw him move the goods.

Emp.
If thou dost lie,
Upon the next tree shall thou hang as high
As they can swing thee. If the truth it be,
I care not if, instead, they tuck up me.
Is this a time to stand and stare about?
You rogues and vagabonds—arm—arm, and out!
If this which he avouches doth appear,
We may write up “Unfurnished lodgings here.”
Ring the alarum bell until it crack!
At least we'll have our coach and harness back.

(Exeunt Emperor, Princess, Chamberlain, &c.—alarum bell, &c.)

Scene Fourth.

—The Banks of a River.
Music—Enter Strongback, carrying an enormous pile of treasure of every description on his shoulders, followed by Fortunio and his other Servants.
For.
Run, Strongback; we're pursued—'tis my belief.

Fine.
Yes, master, I can hear them call “Stop thief.”

For.
Now is the time your aerial coach to try.

Light.
It's built—we've only got to make it fly!

For.
A trifle merely—yet I almost doubt
If we can wait whilst that is brought about.

Mar.
Here comes the Emperor with all his guard!

For.
What's to be done?

Boist.
I'll breathe a little hard;
And they'll be so completely blown,—I doubt
Their running an inch further on this route.

For.
Dear friend, to you we'll owe our preservation,
And wait your coming at the railway station!

Music—Exeunt Fortunio and all but Boisterer.
Enter Emperor and Guards.
Emp.
Upon them!—charge!
(Boisterer blows, and they are all whirled off stage)
Oh, here's a precious breeze!

(as he goes)
Boist.
That is the “puff direct,” sir, if you please.

(Exit)

Scene Fifth.

—Interior of King Alfourite's Palace, as in the First Act.
Enter King and Minister.
King.
Song—King—Air—“I love her, how I love her.”

Enter Lightfoot.
Light.
Hail to your Majesty.

King.
You come to use
Your tongue—your office quickly—what's your news?

Light.
Great news, great King. My Lord Fortunio's near,
With all your treasure!

Enter Princess.
Prin.
What is this I hear?

King.
With all my treasure!

Light.
Sire, the truth to tell,
You'll find some of the Emperor's as well.
We hadn't time to pick and choose, in fact;
So took it as it came.

King.
Judicious act!

Prin.
(aside)
What, of my vengeance am I baulked again?

King.
How is he coming?

Light.
By a special train.
I saw him start, and then ran on before
To give you notice. (shouts without)
Hark, he's at the door!

King.
Conduct him to our presence—quickly—fly!

(Exeunt Minister and Lightfoot)
Prin.
(aside)
I'll crush him yet, or know the reason why.

King.
He comes! he comes! With shouts the people greet him!
Don't stand there, sister, let us haste to meet him.

Prin.
It is not meet we should; he wants your crown,
So pull him up before he pulls you down.

King.
Fortunio false! then never man was true!
Some wicked wag has sure been hoaxing you.

Prin.
I tell you, brother, I can prove his guilt.

King.
He was a gentleman on whom I built
An absolute trust.

Prin.
And so did I until
He dared propose your Majesty to kill,
And marry me!

King.
And marry you! Alack,
He must, then, be a monomaniac!

Prin.
Brother!

King.
I mean that such prodigious vanity
Is the best proof of the young man's insanity.

Prin.
I tell you he's a foe you must beware of.

King.
Let him be taken, pray, the greatest care of;
For though he might not run his sovereign through,
He may be mad enough to marry you.
But wherefore spoke you not of this before?

Prin.
I was in hopes he would return no more;
But he's come back, laden with fame and treasure,
And all the people's heads he'll turn with pleasure,
And they'll dethrone you and crown him instead,
Unless you puzzle them to find his head.

King.
Ah, me! I haven't got the heart to do it.

Prin.
Then leave the whole to me—I'll pull you through it.

(Exeunt)

Scene Sixth.

—The Royal Gardens—Night—The recovered treasure is pitched at the back of the stage, and occupies the whole centre of the scene—Strongback and the other Servants discovered—Enter Fortunio.
Strong.
There, sir, I've pitched the whole load in the garden,
For there's no other place will hold it.

For.
Pardon
Me, friend, but I am full of grief and care;
I cannot find my Comrade anywhere.

Strong.
Your horse?—is he not in the stable?

For.
No.
And I am on the rack! My Comrade, ho!
Answer! you can, unless you are a corse.
“My horse! my horse! a kingdom for my horse!”
Enter King and Princess attended by Minister, and followed by two Guards.
The Princess!

Prin.
Aye, you tremble, and with reason.
Sir, I accuse Fortunio of high treason.
Arrest him, gentlemen.

(the Guards seize him)
For.
Arrest! pray stay;
At Court it seems, this is a collar day.
'Tis shameful, sire—

Prin.
Almost as bad, young mister,
As kill a king and marry with his sister.

For.
As kill a king?

Prin.
Aye, traitor! 'twas my word.

For.
And marry with his sister?—how absurd!
Since it has come to this, I must speak out.
Madam, pray tell me, for I almost doubt—
Are you a lady?

Prin.
Do you hear him, brother?

For.
Because, if you are one,—why I'm another.

All.
A lady!

For.
Yes, a female woman, daughter
Of Baron Dunover.

King.
I always thought her
Too pretty for a man—unless 'twas me—
“The fair, the chaste, the inexpressive she!”

Prin.
Exposed—defeated! I shall burst with spite!
Oh! (falls in Minister's arms)


Min.
Sire!—She's choking!

King.
Verdict—Serve her right.
(Minister carries out Princess)
(to Fortunio)
A crown you merit.

For.
Half a one, I'd rather.

King.
Will you share mine?

For.
Sir, you must ask my father.

King.
Oh, let us fly to seek him!

Voice.
(without)
There's no need.

Music—the pile of treasure gradually opens, and discovers a magnificent Fairy Chariot, drawn by twenty-four sheep with golden fleeces, in which is the Fairy—In front of the chariot is Comrade.
Fairy.
He to your union has with joy agreed;
And I have hastened, in my own post-carriage,
To give consent and lustre to your marriage.

King.
(aside)
A carriage drawn by four-and-twenty sheep
With golden fleeces!—That's the flock to keep!

Fairy.
They shall be yours—the dower of your bride.

King.
(aside)
She heard me. (aloud)
Madam, I'm quite horrified.

Fairy.
Oh, no apologies! They're ewes and rams,
And will breed millions.

King.
Oh, the precious lambs!

Fairy.
(to Fortunio)
Had you not helped me, all this had been marr'd.
But kindly actions ever meet reward.

Finale—Air—“Here's to the maiden.”
For.
Here then our curtain we hasten to drop,—
Our folly indulgently view, sirs;
Don't for a moment to criticise stop,
For that would be folly in you, sirs.
Let the piece pass,
One of its class
At Easter may find an excuse with the mass.

Chorus.
Let the piece pass, &c.